(For the photo of the rash caused by the Piz Buin, please click HERE)

So I had a fairly awesome weekend of sunning it, except for Sunday night where the backs of my ears started getting itchy. On Monday (Yesterday) I had a rash everywhere I had applied Piz Buin In Sun SPF 15, and today (Tuesday) I’m probably going to kick the bucket! My eyes are swollen, my ears are swollen and there was quite a little belter in the pharmacy who would not stop staring at me…for all the wrong reasons. It honestly looks like I’ve been chilling in the boxing ring with Manny Pacquiao.

That’s me on the left, and Piz Buin SPF 15 In Sun Lotion on the right

So I’m not saying don’t buy Piz Buin, but actually…wait…I am. I used the Piz Buin SPF 15 In Sun Lotion last summer and it was fine, and I even used the Piz Buin SPF 30 Active Lotion two weeks ago with no problems. But the SPF 15 In Sun Lotion makes me look like I’ve been sleeping around and doing drugs.

The bottle that slayed a Greek God in Cape Town

I find hooking up with the opposite sex difficult enough as it is, and now we need to complicate things with a rash.

“What’s that rash?” Girl says

“Oh no just some sunscreen I used”

“Yeah whatever, I bet you do loads of drugs and sleep around”

You see where this leaves me Piz Buin? Summer has just kicked in on the Cape Town side, and now I’ve been sidelined from the action for God knows how long? A week? Two weeks? A month? From the other peoples concerns, it looks like I could be out of the pants party for a month. I mean, come on! Sort your stuff out, this is a joke. And you say your products are dermatologically tested? Whatever!

I’ve never had a rash from sunscreen and now this hits me…

Oh and I e-mailed you guys earlier, I trust you will be replying with a free holiday trip, or something or other to make up for the major inconvenience this is causing on my life.

Thanks! Spending summer indoors is really what I dreamed of!

Seriously though, the reviews from the latest batch of Piz Buin products are terrible, as seen on Review Centre. Let’s have a look at what some others said (There are loads of these reviews, all with the same problems):

“I returned from a 2 week holiday on 14th August, the last week being totally spolit by a nasty red and extremely itchy rash plus swelling around my neck and eyes from piz buin. I visited the local doctor and was given a steriod injection plus anti histamine tablets. One week later I am still suffering. Having read the other reviews of Piz Buin I am now sure that this was the cause of the problem. Like other reviewers I have used Piz Buin for many years, as has my husband, who also had a much milder reaction to this product. I will be taking this up with Piz Buin and urge others to do the same.”

And another review:

“I too have suffered a severe allergic reaction to the Piz Buin 1 day long lotion as described by others on this site, needing treatment with steroids and antihistamines. The itching is still a problem after 3 weeks but is now improving. I have used this product for the last 2 years and found it great but the problem seems to be that they have now added oxybenzone (look it up – its not nice!)to the product. The packaging gives you no reason to think the product has changed. I have contacted Johnsons who seem to have a team dealing with this problem. They will send out a questionnaire and have offered to refund the cost of the lotion. I would urge everyone who has suffered this reaction to contact them in the hope that this will make them reconsider using these chemicals, after all the product was great before! I would consider this product unsafe to use at the moment.”

Click here to read the rest of the stories.

I’ll keep you updated as to when I can leave the house again.

UPDATE: The new Piz Buin formulations use oxybenzone, commonly known to cause skin reactions, wow that’s very clever to add that to your formulations! This from the Island Tribe website:

“The most famous sunscreen is PABA (para amino benzoic acid). PABA became so well known because a significant number of people turned out to be allergic to it. Most products are now “PABA Free” but many people still have problems with one or another of the organic sunscreens. For example, Benzophenone (Oxybenzone) is an organic sunscreen that is commonly used. It is probably the one most associated with adverse reactions.”

So are SLXS looking at an Island Tribe sponsorship for the Cape Town Summer 2009/2010 season? I think that’s the direction we’re heading in.

With sunglasses, a book and a tea light candle for size perspective (That’s what she said)

You know how when you see a sale in a shop, and you don’t really have money, but the stuff is on sale so you buy it anyway, even if on credit? Well the new iPod shuffle is going to become one of those buys. At only R599 for a 2GB shuffle that holds around 500 songs, it’s one of those purchases that just needs to happen, especially when you see the new shuffle.

Firstly, there are no controls on the body of the iPod, it’s simply a little casing, and the controls are located on the earphone cable. Very clever on Apples part, because now you need to buy replacement cables from Apple. Very smart! So one the cable there is this little button, as seen above.

Press the top piece to increase the volume, the bottom to decrease it. Click the centre once to pause, twice to go to the next song and three times to go to the previous song. It’s insane! At first I thought this new cable control was going to be a huge mission, but it’s actually better than the previous shuffle.

Another awesome new feature is the voice over so it can tell you what song is playing, but more importantly you can turn the shuffle off and then on quickly again and a voice tells you how much battery power is left. Genius! It’s half the size of my “F U” finger, holds 500 songs, costs R599 and is simply stunning to look at!

I’ve previously owned regular iPods which are great, but for sports the iPod Shuffle is a winner. It’s small and hassle free, and the cool thing is if you break it/lose it it doesn’t cost a fortune. Obviously regular iPods are cool for taking loads of music everywhere and organising sick playlists and storing dirty photos and things, but the iPod shuffle is awesome.

Thumbs Up:

Affordable for everyone.

Small, easy to carry.

New buttons on the earphone cable make things really simple, especially during exercise.

It’s from Apple!

Thumbs Down:

You can only buy new earphones from Apple.

With it’s size, it’s easy to leave in a pocket that will end up in the wash…

An all round quality buy though, it keeps me happy. In my pants.

I run a fair amount at the moment, and one thing I hate more a drunk chick vomiting on me are those ridiculous outfits that runners wear, namely those dental floss vests and “polly shorts”, the shorts that show your nutsack to the world. I actually have a pair of CapeStorm running shorts which are short, but offer a good length. The only problem is this story:

I’m running two weeks ago, and I was getting hideous stares from people which was weird because I wasn’t running with a hard on. Kids were skeefing me out, moms were pulling their kids out of my way and chicks were laughing (Oh my GOD he’s huge) I honestly had no idea why I was getting weird vibes, because I was throwing out happy vibes.

I then realised that with every step…there is no other way to say this…my machine was bouncing up and down and everyone could see.

*Naughty giggle*

So that’s pretty messed up. Eight year old kids saw my Ron Jeremy. Not ideal.

Anyway I walked home after that pretending I had pulled a hammie. Then I remembered that chick from 91 and nearly busted a wood, so luckily my shorts had a waist band. But then it’s a pity the wind was blowing into me. Too embarrassing to even think of again.

So I drove straight to Lillywhites in the V&A Waterfront and bought a pair of Nike Pro compression shorts. They’re essentially like cycling shorts, without the padding and are fantastic for wearing under regular shorts for running. Because you can’t wear regular boxers or underwear, because you’ll chafe like a mo-fo. The Nike Pro Compression Shorts are a super comfortable fit with no chafing seams, they’re made of Nike’s Dri-Fit material and they look awesome. Dri-Fit dries quickly which is essential because this keeps the skin dry and prevents chafing and uncomfortable skin.

That’s me modeling them

The Nike Pro Compression Shorts are perfect if you like to wear baggier shorts for running, but need a comfortable under garment. I run 10km’s in these with no problems. I’m also wearing other Nike running shorts, which we will speak about next time. And they will be cool to wear as underwear to the beach, with just a hint of the words “Nike Pro” showing, which let’s chicks know you’re fit and able. TO BANG!

Get Nike Pro Compression Shorts at all major sports stores in Cape Town, mine are from Lillywhites at the V&A Waterfront. Also check out the new Nike Store at Canal Walk in Cape Town. And this is some skin to show you what the Nike Pro compression shorts look like on me, to increase the female readership:

Ja I use OMO hey

What? Nike Pro Compression shorts

Where? Lilywhites, V&A Waterfrint, Cape Town.

Price? R260 (Don’t worry, the recession is a hoax)

Sean Lloyd

Editor 

One of the best things you can do for your body, is never to use a store bought soap again, such as Lux and all those soaps. I haven’t used them for ages as they continually gave me poroblems due to their inferior quality. I discovered hand crafted, pure soaps and have never looked back!

This time around I came across the African Bliss range of soaps and they are truly amazing! (As we switch to FULL metrosexual mode!)

Next time you shower (Sooner rather than later) just have a look at the ingredients on your shower gel, or on your soap wrapper. There will be loads of things, virtually all of them unrecognisable names. These are all inferior ingredients that you don’t need on your skin, you don’t need to absorb them into your body and they don’t need to be washed down our drains.

My bar of African Bliss Honey Beeswax soap has ingredients that are simple, and I can pronounce them. And there are very few ingredients, but they are of the highest quality. The ingredients on the Honey Beeswax soap are as follows:

100% pure oils (Olive oil, coconut oil, beeswax, vegetabe shortening)

Honey

Essential oils – Benzoin

And that’s it! I can honestly attest to this soaps attributes of being suitable for even the most sensitive skin. I would normally need to use a moisturiser after showering, but with the African Bliss Honey Beeswax soap this is not necessary as my skin is no longer dry after showering. So while it may cost more than regular soaps, it is a truly worthwhile purchase.

If you have skin problems from regular store bought soaps, the African Bliss range is truly a treat. It’s hand made by a family in the Kouga mountains and is one of the best soaps currently available on the market, in my opinion.

A highly recommended product.

It is available at selected health stores, and also available online by clicking HERE.

Also click HERE for the African Bliss blog.

Sean Lloyd

Editor 

A new addition (I believe) to the Body Shop For Men range is the Maca Root range of body products.

The Body Shop don’t have the purest products around (Compared to those available at Faithful To Nature), and they also tend to be brought in from around the world. The Maca Root Face Scrub uses Peruvian Maca Root and is produced in Hungary, and then imported to South Africa so it’s carbon footprint would probably be larger than something produced here in South Africa.

However, compared to other brands, The Body Shop does have some good things about it. They are against animal testing and support community trade  which provides valuable income to communities around the world.

Onto the product.

We all know that you (Yes, guys as well as girls) should be using a face scrub 1-2 times a week to give your skin a deeper clean than a regular face scrub would. It’s vital to do this in order to keep your skin in great condition and the Body Shops Maca Root Face Scrub is a treat.

Currently using, and enjoying the Maca Root Face Scrub

It’s made with Peruvian Maca Root and creatine which help boost the vitality of the skin, as well as firming and soothing the skin. The exfoliation comes in the form of crushed rice particles which do the heavy cleaning. Remember when using a face scrub, to let the scrub do the work. Rub it in gently, as harsh rubbing is damaging to the skin, especially those with sensitive skin.

It also contains Community Trade sesame oil which is a great moisturiser.

The Body Shop Maca Root Face Scrub is creamy in texture, roughened by the rice particles but all in all it is very soothing scrub to use and does not feel harsh at all. If anything, the creaminess of the scrub moisturises your skin while exfoliating it. It’s unlike regular store bought products that feel as if they are completely stripping your skin (The Nive For Men face scrub comes to mind, which I previously used) This Maca Root Face Scrub actually adds oils back into your skin and doesn’t leave it feeling tight and dry (Like Paris Hilton. Minus the tight I suppose)

I’ve used it twice after buying it last week and it really is a great product and has worked very effectively for me, applying the Trevarno Men’s Organic Moisturiser afterwards (Click HERE for that review)

The feel of it is natural and it has a very neutral smell which is fantastic. There is nothing worse than a face scrub that smells artificial.

At R90 for 125ml’s, it really is a great addittion to your weekly grooming routine. Considering that face scrubs last such a long time, R90 is very little at all, even in this recession!

The Body Shop For Men Maca Root Face Scrub comes highly recommended, and personally tested right here at SLXS.

Chicks dig guys with good skin, so it’s worth it.

There are other products in the Maca Root range For Men and available at The Body Shop. These products include the Maca Root Balancing Face Protector,  Maca Root Deodorant Stick,  Maca Root Energetic Face Protector, Maca Root Eye Serum, Maca Root Face Wash, Maca Root Razor Relief and the Maca Root Shave Cream.

There are Body Shop stores throughout Cape Town, inclusing ones at Cavendish Square, Canal Walk, V&A Waterfront and Constantia.

Click HERE for The Body Shop website in South Africa.

And remember, for R75 you can get your Body Shop card, which entitles you to 10% off every purchase for a year.

Sean Lloyd

Editor 

It’s a well known fact that I like to keep my youthful looks through a debaucherous drinking regime healthy diet and the right skincare products. Seriously, I’m not really afraid to admit things and I have probably been using moisturiser since standard 7. Hey, the ridicule I would have received! It seems I was way ahead of my time in that respect. Back in the D everyone would have laughed had I told them I actually used a face wash that did not contain soap, and that I put cream on my face, like a chick!

For me it’s been necessary as I have always had very dry skin, even after supplementing with flaxseeds and fish oil supplements. And that’s one of the reasons for my silky smooth skin, I have always spent some decent money on it. Obviously now I don’t buy things anymore because they get sent to me for free! Well…not exactly.

But in this case, Faithful to Nature have been kind enough to send me one of their top men’s products, in the form of the Trevarno Organic Men’s Facial Moisturiser. Being organic, you will not find anything unnatural in this face cream, and it really does do your skin wonders. I have been using it in place of my normal cream for the past couple of days, and it’s an absolute treat!

On my face

What I love about it is that it does not smell of a moisturiser that is artificial. I used the Aramis Lab Series Lift Off Plus moisturiser a couple of years ago, and I couldn’t get over the smell of it. All day it would make me feel ill.

Coming in at R203 for 30ml’s, the Trevarno moisturiser is not as cheap as something like, say a Nivea moisturiser. But that’s not what we are about…we are about giving you the best in lifestyle choices! I would never recommend something inferior and this Trevarno moisturiser is the absolute best.

The moisturiser contains oils of Jojoba, Olive with Calendula, Sesame and Carrot Oil and Grapefruit Seed Extract. Those of you in the know in health circles (Like I am…cough cough…) will know that a supplement called Procydin is made from grape seed extract. Grape seed extract is a powerful anti-oxidant, so should help to protect your skin from oxidative stress caused by smoke, pollution and the sun (I kid you not…that line was not copied and pasted, that’s from memory, I’m a God!)

Furthermore it is enriched with Vitamin E, well known in aiding healthy skin.

FURTHERmore it is blended with antibacterial Teatree, Lemongrass and Rosewood essential oils so you are not going to be breaking out like you do with that cheap cream you have been using from Pick ‘n Pay.

Using a moisturiser such as the Trevarno Men’s Organic Moisturiser is one of the best things you can do to keep a hold of your youthful skin, and the earlier you start using it the better. Look we all want to be like Bear Grylls and tell people we don’t use moisturiser, but lets be honest here. I see all my friends, drinking beer, smoking, going to outdoor festivals, but secretly they keep loads of moisturiser in their bathroom cabinets! I’ve seen it guys! Don’t be shy…Look at me…I’m letting the whole of Cape Town know.

In my personal opinion this is one of the finest moisturisers for men out there. I think it’s probably just as comfortable sitting in your bathroom cabinet as it is next to a bottle of whisky. The black tub with the silver lid almost hides the fact that it’s a moisturiser…and it’s organic. The smell of this cream is absolutely stunning and cannot be compared to anything else you have ever tried. The container can also be recycled easily as it’s glass which is a bonus.

Guys trust me I know all the moisturisers and this is the one you want. I cannot even describe the smell but it’s just very natural and does not clog up your nose with some overpowering fragrance all day. The fragrance is courtesy of the natural blend of ingredients and is quite calming to the senses!

I have quite dry skin if I don’t use cream, and this keeps my skin soft all day and yet it it’s not greasy. It also doesn’t feel like you’re wearing a mask, as I sometimes find some creams feels thick and heavy on your face. It’s light yet moisturising, absorbs quickly and is easy to apply. It’s the perfect men’s moisturiser and the packaging even makes it look Chuck Norris!

I’ve just washed my face this morning and applied the Trevarno Organic Men’s moisturiser and just look a the results! My skin is glowing!

Glowing!

So if you want to look youthful, if you want chicks to touch you, if you want to make more money, feel more confident, have healthier and smoother skin then Trevarno moisturiser is the answer!

Another great thing about using a face cream is that you keep your tan longer, and even in the middle of winter, you just look healthier. I’m often asked in winter why I look so tanned, and I don’t do the fake tan thing, so I have to put this down to my diet, drinking lot’s of filtered water (In between binges of alcohol) and also using the very best moisturisers.

So do the right thing and click HERE to buy the same Trevarno moisturiser I have on my face right now.

And for the ladies…there is obviously the rest of the stunning Trevarno range for you, and there is a 20% discount when you buy the cleanser, toner and moisturiser. Click HERE to get it!

Also look out for the great ranges from Esse , Garden Route Organics and The Victorian Garden which is a luxurious yet very cost effective range.Three fabulous brands (All local I believe. And yes, I can and will use the word “fabulous”)

UPDATE: CRISIS that’s a big photo of my face!

Sean Lloyd

Editor

I rarely, if ever, mention books on my website as I’m not much of a book fan, although as you will know I am quite well read!

But I really do enjoy biographies and autobiographies. My favourite two books have to be from Richard Branson, entitled Losing My Virginity and his short read book entitled Screw It, Let’s Do It.

From the editors personal collection, from his office that has many leather bound books and smells of rich mahogany

As you may have noticed, I do things a little differently in life. I take the work I want to do, if I want a drink during work hours I will have one, I work on projects that I’m passionate about and that I believe in. I have never been good at doing things or participating in things that I’m not 100% confident in. And I think a little bit differently…I’m not into the 9-5, suit wearing, following the crowd working in an office vibe. I hate that. I also don’t like lives that are perfectly planned out. People who tell me their 5 year plan, and their 10 year plan drive me mad.

It’s good to plan ahead a little, but, and I know it’s a cliche, you need to live for today. Do what you want, have fun, and in the process make money. When you are passionate about something you work harder at it and eventually the money comes because people believe that you believe in the product or line of work you are in.

Ok…getting a little deep there!

Anyway, the first book that you should read is Losing My Virginity by Richard Branson. It’s basically his life story and it’s a very interesting life indeed.

The thing I enjoy about the book is that it’s not one of those books that says “Retire young and retire rich” or “How to become a millionaire”

I often think that with books like these they are telling you things that you might not be interested in, or things that don’t suit your personality type. Not everyone is going to want to learn how to make money in the property market, or learn how to trade shares…traditional things these books tell you to do.

But I’m a firm believer in doing what you really want to do, and Richard Branson gives you the inspiration to do this. His is not a book telling you to do anything specific, or in any industry, rather it is about giving you the motivation to do what you really want to do.

The book offers no definitive answers, but after reading it you are inspired to do the things you really want to do in life.

And I think the younger you are when read this book, the better off you are. Sometimes I come up with crazy ideas, and the older people I know say they won’t work. But that’s because they were brought up in the days when everyone followed their parents careers and when free crazy thinking was frowned upon.

It’s probably one of the best books I have ever read, and I regularly page through it when I’m looking for inspiration for something. It’s especially a good book for those not interested in following the status quo, and doing their own thing. Click HERE to buy it.

The second book by Richard Branson is Screw It, Let’s Do It, one that I always keep at hand. If you have read Losing My Virginity, this book will pretty much repeat what has been said there, but it’s fantastic to keep at hand, or keep on you when traveling.

It’s the ultimate book to keep handy when you are needing a bit of inspiration, whether it’s at work, or just wondering whether to open up your own business and go it alone.

Screw It, Let’s Do It is something that Richard Branson definitely taught me from this book. Who cares what other people think, if you believe in something, just do it. It’s quite liberating really, doing what you really want to do.

The perfect book to read on the road, or just to keep in the car or bag. Click HERE to buy it.

Those truly are two brilliant books that I highly recommend and I have personally read both of them ,and live my life in the same way. It’s the way to do things.

Who’s keen for beers? I know I am!

Enjoy them!

Sean Lloyd

Editor

I do have a little bit of a taste for the finer things in life i.e alcohol.

Due to my connections in the alcohol, mainly wine industry, I’m often given various things to put inside my body. Free of charge. It’s an occupational hazard/ benefit.

And I can tell you right now that I have just put the most delicious bottle of wine inside my body. INSIDE! Can you believe it, all that money is in me right now.

And by George, it feels good!

I know absolutely nothing about wine and all the tastings but I can tell you that this is quite possibly the finest wine I have tasted in my life.

Normally a bottle down of the cheap stuff, and it starts to get bitter and I don’t feel so well. However at the end of this bottle I was still swirling it around in my mouth and it kept getting smoother. I can confidently say that I wanted to cry drinking this, such is its absolute beauty.

I’m not joking when I say it gave me a feeling unlike anything else I have felt before. I cannot even describe this wine to you, it’s amazing. Phenomenal. Stunning.

You will see that I am quite important by the bottle I have. It’s the Cape Winemakers Guild bottle, and is a sample bottle, not for resale.

That’s how I do things, only the best and most exclusive.

What I want you to do though is go to a quality bottle store right now and buy this! Ask for it.

Kumkani Cradle Hill Cabernet Sauvignon 2005, phenomenal.

It’s the finer things in life such as this beautiful wine that make life so much more enjoyable. I cannot for a second begin to think of how boring life would be without all this alcohol.

I like to live this Ronnie Wood lifestyle in the evenings.

I will probably trash a hotel room soon.

Motley Crue, YEAH!

You won’t regret paying decent cash for this bottle, if anything, you will be praising me for letting you know about this wine. It’s a pleasure.

Sean Lloyd

Editor 

I’ve always had quite the temperamental skin and if you look in my vanity cupboard you will notice that I carry an assortment of moisturisers for this delicate hide of mine (Mostly organic moisturisers, I can’t be stuffing around with this body as it’s the money maker)

Then the other day my lip ice ran out and I was pretty sure I was going to be pulling some random that night, and my lips needed to be in good nic. They were pretty trashed and so I strolled into The Wellness Warehouse to get some balm for my smackers. I knew with this fabulous weather coming up that I would need something hardcore because the sun is rough out on Clifton 4th and Llandudno.

I settled on this stuff called Lipsano and LET ME TELL YOU DOLL!

It’s amazing stuff, plus it has an SPF of 35 so you won’t be burning your lips (Facial. Ladies…mind out the gutter…tisk tisk. You’re not Elsa Benitez, are you?)

It is made of lanolin (Like…like sheep’s wool?) beeswax, shea butter, cocoa butter and vitamin E. Plus it has menthol and camphor in the mix which gives a nice cooling effect on your sun stroked lips. I use the old school tub, and am not afraid to look like a chick applying it. It’s kind of taking it back to the old school, especially when I apply it in the company of the ladies. They all end up using it anyway. They don’t worry that I have put my fingers in it.

They don’t know where my fingers have been.

They don’t know what me and the cats and dogs get up to in the evenings. And mornings.

Jokes. Seriously though, it’s R18 for the 7 gram jar which is very cheap. I mean, how much do you pay for your 7 grams of coke?

And crack cocaine gives you chapped, cocaine covered lips which is not a good look. Ask Rick James:

Yes it is

So go out and get it. To prove to you that it’s good all the girls I have kissed in the last three days have said I have the softest lips they have ever kissed.

That’s a lie I’m hitting a bit of bad form lately and have kissed no one. But when I do (Don’t wait up) I will report back on what the minxes have to say.

Check my lips out, so smooth!

My parents will also be pleased to know that…yes MOM AND DAD…open the champagne…that is a bit of stubble! It’s not much but it’s something! I knew this day would come. I knew I would make you proud! It took 23 years but by George it was worth the wait!

My voice has also gone from a high pitched shrill to a deeper purr. Think Barry White after a cigarette and whisky binge. Oh yeah!

They might be less interested to know that I just get first hair on ball.

Sean Lloyd

Editor

You will by now surely have noticed a certain them on this website, a mixture of utter rubbish and also more thoughtful posts, ones that might make you think, or might make you laugh. Or ones that might educate you (Few and far between) You will also realise that I get paid to mention certain companies, and others I mention because I just really like them.

So I’m going to put this out there right now, I’m not getting paid for this piece. If money was offered, sure I would normally take it, but in this instance I’m not sure if I would have taken the money if it was offered.

Because I would basically be paying myself for a hand job then. Imagine paying yourself to give yourself a handski! What would my parents think of me?

The product in question here is the Tenga Masturbator (Jesus…I can’t believe I agreed to this) After writing on Mantality a little while back, I was offered to review this product by the team at Mantality. Naturally I wouldn’t have to pay for the product, it would be sent free of charge (I don’t quite know how to put this…but in Cape Town…I’m kind of a big deal. People know me…)

So I agreed and about a week later, I had a jacking off machine in my PO Box, waiting to be abused. It’s actually called a Deep Throat Cup, and if you think Deep Throat refers to William Mark Felt Sr, then you are an idiot. A complete idiot. Go play with your Pokemon collection.

It’s basically like getting great head without all the hassles, but then it also comes without all the real life benefits, like an actual person. With the Tenga Deep Throat Cup, there are no teeth, so you don’t have any of the hassles of a “biter” Because that hurts. Also, it’s not warm like a mouth, so it might take a few tugs to get it warm. Also, sometimes at house parties, it’s nice to sit back,get a mouthski and use your one hand to eat a bag of chips and the other to drink your vodka and Coke. Unfortunately, when you are using the Tenga to basically give yourself a mouthski/ handski, you only have one hand. So you can’t relax and eat chips and a Coke, you have to do one or the other.

I mean, you could admit to sitting on your hand until it goes numb, and then having a wank so it feels like someone else is doing it. What? Forget I said that. Nothing important. Never tried it.

The great thing about the Tenga is that you don’t have some bird (Or guy, we need to appeal to a wide audience here) coming up afterwards and, with a mouth full, saying “Baby tell me you love me?”

Because as good as it feels at the time, using the L word is extremely difficult to use! Especially at my age. I just want to booze it up with my mates and have a kick ass time, no time for settling down (I’m sure I will receive some hate mail here, go ahead, send it along)

But to make this review as real as possible, I decided that some seduction techniques needed to be used. As there was no actual woman involved, I decided that seducing myself was in order.

I closed the curtains.

Barry White crooned over the stereo.

I looked at myself.

Touched myself.

You like that Sean?

I DO like that Sean!

I threw a couple of pick up lines at myself:

“You come here often?”

“Maybe?”

“Don’t tease me!”

“Do you wanna go halvies on a baby?”

Wait, that’s the one I used on that chick last week at Tiger. It doesn’t quite work on myself.

I was quite nervous around myself, as I’m quite a sexual being. I literally touch myself and sparks fly.

So I decided that I needed to be boozed, because let’s be honest, it’s much easier to chat yourself/ someone else up after a few boozers.

Because Mantality had paid for the product, I thought I had to at least chip in some money to this review so I ambled over to my wine fridge and yanked (Not wanked) out a bottle of Chateau Beychevelle Saint Julien Grand Vin 1995. I can’t remember what I paid for it all those years back, but it’s quite a decent wine and I was saving it for a special occasion. Whether giving yourself a handski is a special occasion or not is yet to be debated (Never maths debated) I also drank a bottle of High Constantia Clos Andre, Cuvee Brut, Methode Cap Classique and I am positively shit faced as I write this.

Absolutely trashed

You like that?

The Tenga has this silicon inside that is SO soft it’s unbelievable. Obviously just putting your cock into a dry piece of silicon would be like shagging Paris Hilton, all dried up from overuse and stuff like that.

So you need lube, which I happened to have lying around. I’m going with the story that it was for a STD 6 (Standard…not sexually transmitted disease) science project.

And it’s quite easy really, you don’t have to be nice to the Tenga for it to go down on you. You don’t have to complement it on it’s lovely hair, or it’s beautiful eyes. You quite simple slam your piece into it without even letting it know.

(Say this to the effect of Horation Cane in CSI)— I think…I’m getting…a boner…YEAH!

I have never done this in real life, that chick at that standard 7 after party asked me to surprise her, and I did. Don’t cry over a sneaky pole in the mouth.

Good grief that’s good! It’s weird because I happened to test it out on a rugby test match day and I declined all the invites to watch the rugby at the pub. It was kind of strange because the one moment you have this picture of Gisele in your mind and it’s all cool, and the next moment you are having a great time by yourself and you are watching Percival Montgomery and thinking “I wonder if he uses EAS or USN? Canterbury or Nike?”

Ooooooooooooooh oooooooohhhhhhhh tik tik tik aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!

And then you blow your load at Percy, it’s quite weird really. To give you the exact thoughts in my head at the time, I was wondering what shampoo and conditioner he uses. I know…quite odd.

I’m obviously making this up as I’m quite drunk right now thanks to that bottle of High Constantia sparkling wine and three USN Spikes and one Red Bull. A couple of Phedra Cuts and I would be flying.

Shit, it feels good though. It’s so soft, and if you wank it fast enough it sounds like it’s choking on your main chap! Jesus, it’s hilarous! It can’t open up wider though so the chances of tea bagging it are pretty much zero. Also, in real life, it’s fun to blow your load in and around the mouth (The money shot) but I wouldn’t quite blow my load into this thing, for re-use purposes. It is re-usable though and I won’t admit to re-using it 17 times today. My piece looks like a piece of biltong, BUT…I’m doing this for work. Imagine spending en ENTIRE Monday wanking.

I suppose I don’t have the worst job in the world…

Another RAD feature is that it has a one way valve (Not vulva) that creates suction, just like real life! It’s amazing looking at this white piece of plastic, and to think that the job it does, is the exact same job all the Bishopscourt mommies do to drive nice cars and live in nice houses. It’s quite mind blowing, that blowing will get you all those lifestyle accessories.

Naturally I went the whole nine yards for this review, including dressing myself in the whipped cream bikini and smearing my balls with peanut butter and getting the dogs to lick it off. WHAT? It’s MY dog ok! I can tease you a bit though with the peanut butter nipple:

Yum Yum

To be quite honest, it is kind of weird telling people that you own a masturbator, but it’s also like telling people that you have a GHD, or that you spend 30 minutes on your hair in the morning. It’s something that makes you happy, but you wouldn’t quite admit it.

I wouldn’t normally go down into the pub and talk about my wanking device, but I did. Cape Town is going to know now anyway, so I casually told a couple of mates down at Forries the other day. I can get away with it because it’s my job.

The problem with my lifestyle is that everyone knows what I do all the time, so I’m sure they will laugh. But then they will in all likelihood click HERE and buy a Tenga Deep Throat Cup.

I’m not going to lie to you, it’s a shit load of fun! Play some Barry White, get drunk, seduce yourself…and then try jizz 5 metres onto your dog lying on the floor.

I lie, I wouldn’t do that.

It’s weird that the dog is pregnant though.

Strange.

Anyway, looking over the Tenga Deep Throat Cup, it’s quite a cool thing for those lazy days when you can’t get some, and is definitely something that is quite a laugh to have. You know you won’t admit to owning one, but you will admit to wanking over Elsa Benitez (Ummm…NSFW). So whether you use your own hand, or the Tenga, I don’t think it makes much difference.

And to be honest, if you are single, people know you are a wanker anyway! So just come to terms with it, and with online ordering from Mantality, you don’t have to walk into a shop blushing and pick it up. Mantality deliver straight to your door! Brilliant!

It’s no longer embarrassing, like it was buying those condoms in school from the petrol station at Bishops.

Hey? Oh nothing…just mumbling to myself.

You can even order lube at Mantality over HERE. Unfortunately they don’t sell condoms yet, but I’m sure I can have a word with them and see what’s possible. For the product I tested, click HERE.

NOTE: The reviewing time of this product was 47.3 seconds.

YEAH!

A new record!

I’m just going to have a quick smoke and I’ll be back…

UPDATE: Apparently, if you click here, I killed 17 kittens on Monday.

Sean Lloyd

Editor