I have always seen South African humour as quite a great thing and it is not only limited to the normal people but to the people who run the country as well. I think it’s good that we have a sense of humour about us because it would be seriously boring if we had someone like the Queen running this shindig. We would never laugh!

But luckily I live in South Africa and we do get some quality comedians coming through the ranks.

First up is our Minerals and Energy Minister Buyelwa Sonjica. This chick is hilarious! Wednesday this week came round and she was speaking to parliament. Naturally parliament has politicians in it and when it gets to the middle of the week, their blood sugar levels are shot from eating pies and drinking Coke and they need something to be perked up.

Which is where our girl Buyelwa comes in to lighten up everyones day. Speaking on the energy crisis and how to save electricity, Buyelwa came up with something that I would have thought would have come from the mouth of a 1st grader. I thought she was stupid but then I realised that her tongue was firmly in her cheek! I mean, it’s QUITE obvious that she is having us on here. I’m sure when she said this many of the politicians that were asleep would have woken up to look for hidden microphones and cameras.

Alas I don’t think there were any, but Buyelwa was just having a little private joke with herself, and in the process had me amused. So to save electricity, and I quote her first sentence:

“Go to sleep earlier so that you can grow and be cleverer.”

No. No it’s not possible. Are you serious?

Whhhooooooooooooooooo hoooooooooooo hooooooooooooo! Heeeeeeee ha ha ha!

Buyelwa, you are in the same league as Ricky Gervais, you are an absolute cracker! What a corker of a joke! Honestly, if we are on some sort of hidden camera show, that is TOP quality coming from South Africa. I’m so used to the budget humour found on Laugh Out Loud! that this is truly something to behold.

Ricky Gervais- Inspiring South Africa

I salute you my girl, and this weeks SLXS Top Humour Award goes to you darling. Keep up the good work but you might want to look at a career change. Comedy is your forte.

“grow and be cleverer”

Classic!

Source:

Buyelwa the joke maker- NEWS 24

Someone who is sharing the award this week is the South African Football Association vice president Chief Mwelo Nonkonyana.

Mwelo has obviously taken a leaf out of Jake Whites book and gone for the whole vibe of showing supreme confidence in his team. However Mwelo, Jake actually had a plan and he knew it could work. Jake was a mastermind. You however, are an absolute fool!

And to quote Mwelo on why he is not that intelligent:

“I believe South Africa will win the World Cup in 2010″

OH

MY

GREATNESS!

Mwelo, I don’t quite know how to ask this, but did Ricky Gervais adopt you when you were younger, because you are OFF THE HOOK! You are hysterical buddy! I just phoned my gran to tell her this and I heard her falling off her zimmer frame. At first I thought she had hurt herself but then I heard her laughing! She can’t even talk, she said she will call back later in the day.

Mwelo you are an absolute class act and for that I salute you.

I can imagine how boring it must be sitting in your position, watching Bafana getting thrashed day in and day out. So little comments like this are used by yourself to amuse the masses. I think it’s great! I used to amuse myself in school by telling people that I actually had a girlfriend and that she was model. I mean, if you can’t have it, you can always dream it, right?

There were other times I would pretend to win the lottery and once I even fixed global warming. Oh Mwelo just to throw some comments out there to boost the worlds confidence:

“The world will not run out of oil, and the new batch of oil bubbling up will not cause greenhouse gases but will rather give off water as a by-product”

You know, while we are boosting South Africas confidence, we might as well boost the confidence of the entire planet. Oh and we will walk on the sun. In boardshorts.

No look it’s entirely possible.

Source:

Buyelwa son of Ricky Gervais- IOL

That did lighten my week up a whole lot, what with all the economic recession and global warming and all that rubbish.

But I mean let’s be serious, there is NO global warming and the US economy is FINE!

Honestly…really…it’s cool.

Let’s leave it at that.

Sean Lloyd

Editor

Obviously in todays world the word “Coke” is sometimes more commonly used to describe cocaine rather than Coca Cola. So with the My Coke Fest coming up, I naturally thought “Kate Moss!” However, much to my dissappointment, Kate Moss is apparently not attending this years My Coke Fest. Which is a pity because she is that crazy, wide eyed, coke snorting, orgy type of person which always has amusing results.

To be honest, sleeping with Kate Moss used to be a prized thing. Like when Johnny Depp had Kate back in the day I was a plane ticket away from flying overseas and shooting him from the grassy knoll with my 9. Because in those days Kate Moss was innocent and I’m sure her bodywork was in pretty decent nic. However these days she seems to be fond of coke and orgies. I suppose it’s only natural to go on a downward spiral after losing Johnny Depp because if I had to hook up with Gisele Bundchen and then stuff it up I would probably also go into a coke fuelled rage of sex and smut.

I think we all would.

Kate Moss- Schnarfing Columbia this year but not attending My Coke Fest

But I really do dig Kates vibe and if she is willing to fly over here I WILL organise her a ticket. She can sleep in my bed as well with absolutely no worries about me trying to take advantage of her.

Honestly I just want to cuddle. No really…She can just nibble my ear. I would watch her fall asleep and then quietly move myself into the spare room to sleep alone. Like I do most nights.

God I’m joking I would go crazy!

But sleeping with Kate Moss is exactly the same as death because it’s going to happen. Death that is. And sleeping with Kate Moss.

You see the chances of you hooking up with Kate Moss are the same as the chances of you waking up tomorrow. To those people kicking the bucket tomorrow, sorry for YOU! To the rest of you who will be living tomorrow- HIGH FIVE! Sexy time with Kate Moss ahead!

Hooking up with Kate Moss is also the same as death because you will probably die after hooking up with her. You will either die from some STD that ravages at your body or you will die from the coke residue in her house. Or she will go into a coke fuelled rage of carnage and just kill you.

But it would be quite a funway to go.

“Stick insect on coke kills famed Cape Town editor”

No that would not be the headline of the next days newspapers, it would be written on my tombstone!

What? Where am I? WHO am I? Why am I behind a computer? Or am I in FRONT of the computer? When we are on a computer, we are not actually on it. And when we are in front of a computer or behind it, they both mean the same thing.

I’m scared today. I’m lonely today.

What did I write this post for?

Sean Lloyd

Editor

I’m not going to go into any detail about the My Coke Fest at the moment because it’s still a little while away. However, I took the liberty to browse their site and never even got into looking at anything before I noticed they were using Google Adsense.

Google Adsense works by picking up keywords on a page and then customising adverts to what it thinks is appropriate. Obviously this is not entirely accurate all the time as we can see on the web page of My Coke Fest. I saw an ad and I tried to make a screenshot but without iBob around I nearly reformatted my hard drive instead. Anyway the ad said something like “Soda and kidney disease” I took the liberty of clicking in the advert and it took me HERE. The other ad that also appears is ” 10 rules to cut belly fat”

It’s like amateur hour on that website! Here Coke are trying to promote a festival, using the Coke name, and the adverts are going against Coke whole heartedly!

No it’s cool go to the My Coke Fest and drink Coke. Obviously just watch out for kidney disease. Oh yeah and you are going to get fat.

Maybe next time they should think things through before they go throwing adverts on. Let’s be honest, it’s not like Coke really need any more money. And I’m sure they will make enough money on the festival itself.

Do they really need me to tell them that they are playing in the junior league at amateur hour?

Sean Lloyd

Editor

Ja well no fine!

I’m about to give you a link to my latest article that I have written.

To be truly honest I don’t even remember writing it. I probably wrote it in the hours after the J&B Met, when I was in full blackout mode. Writing something like that is very taxing on this fragile body that normally only accepts things that fit under the “leisure and pleasure” format.

Have you ever listened to Eric Clapton on a DVD? It’s good. I won’t lie to you, it’s really good.

It’s nice weather today.

I’m useless today.

HERE is the link.

No problem.

Sean Lloyd

Editor

I must confess this is NOT a food website and it might never be. However if the money is right I will take my kit off and do some naked cheffing to earn the paychecks that Jamie Oliver does. Then I too can put on loads of weight and try promote healthy eating in schools.

I’m chilling in Woolworths today thinking how bizarre it is that most of the things in our lives are from overseas, which makes our carbon footprints massive. It’s all very well flying or shipping things in one way, but to make something cruise all the way round the world and back is bizarre. Which is why Woolworths have had me greatly amused with their Baby Spinach. I bought it at the Woolworths in Belvedere Road today(That part is either Claremont or Rondebosch. Not very bright today)

The Spinach was sold at Woolworths in Cape Town, but was under the Marks & Spencer brand name, which is basically the overseas Woolworths. But the spinach itself was grown in Kenya. So if I’m correct here, the spinach has been grown in Kenya. Fair enough. Then it has been packaged for Marks & Spencer which is in the UK. I take it that it has been flown there or shipped there or whatever they do.

Bizarre!

Then Woolworths in South Africa have decided to import it back to Africa to sell in Cape Town.

Is this not a tad irresponsible, considering that the world is fast running out of oil? According to Royal Dutch Shell( I read this in the Business Times, January 27 2008, page 7), world demand for oil and gas will outstrip supply within 7 years. That’s pretty crazy. And here we are flying things across the world when we don’t really need to.

So that’s a bit of a schoolboy error on Woolworths part. No doubt!

It’s quite excessive nonetheless, but in a bad way.

Sean Lloyd

Editor

I won’t even lie to you, anyone living in Cape Town and not taking full advantage of the outdoor lifestyle would be a complete fool. Another thing as foolish as this would be letting go of Gisele Bundchen, like our boy Leonardo Di Caprio did a while back. That is in the same league of foolishness. So I take it that you took my advice and have spent some time this summer in Cape Town enjoying the mountain biking. Oh you haven’t? That’s naughty! Well then click HERE and see how you can go about it.

I have been mountain biking for some 8 years now and have never felt that comfortable wearing a helmet because I always look like the biggest loser on earth(Insert joke here about how I am the biggest loser on earth) For years I cycled with those R200 helmets and always felt like I looked like a clown.

Then last year I decided to start looking for something a little more rock star and visited our guys at Olympic Cycles. Being a bit of a Lance Armstrong fan I looked through the selection of Giro Helmets and tested the Giro Pneumo and the Giro Atmos. However, for their price I did not find them comfortable at all. I then started chatting with Mac and Jason at Olympic Cycles and they recommended that I try the Bell Sweep helmet.

Teenage desire is built INTO the Bell Sweep R

I had seen the Bell Sweep being used in the Tour de France but had never really considered Bell as a choice in helmet.

Lances view of me on Mont Ventoux

I slammed the Bell Sweep on and immediately it just felt right. It did not move around on my head and was the best fit I have ever tried. To date it is still the best helmet I have ever used. The adjustment system on the back is child’s play(As in simple, Michael Jackson) and in seconds the helmet is fitted with the help of the harness on the back which stabilises the helmet. Mountain bikers generally use helmets with visors but I have never seen the point in these as they don’t offer much sun protection. Besides I wear my Dragon Rake riding sunglasses so I don’t need a visor.

I also prefer the cleaner look of a helmet without a visor as it makes you look much sleaker and faster. Obviously when trying on a helmet you need to find one in your price range, but sometimes it is well worth going out of your price range for something that can save your life. Always try on the helmet at a shop manned by qualified staff such as those at Olympic Cycles. They can help you select the ones with the best fit and as each manufacturer will have a slightly different casting shape, it’s worth having a look at different manufacturers. I have never found Met or Giro helmets comfortable but found my match with the Bell Sweep helmet.

Wearing a helmet is a must and while people have often joked that I have no information in my head anyway(Failed standard grade maths in matric. Parties got the better of me) it is quite necessary that I wear a helmet in order to keep writing the things I do.

So have a look around for some helmets, because it’s up to your preferences and the best helmets are from Giro and Bell.You are looking at spending at least R1000 on some decent protection for the knowledge inside your head. Pump it up to R1500 though to be safe. Then cycle safe in the knowledge that the best scientists are living ON your head, protecting it for when you fall.

Pay Olympic Cycles a visit at:

67 Lansdowne Road

Claremont

Cape Town

South Africa

Or e-mail: sales@olympiccycles.co.za

Alternatively give them a call on: 021 671 5008

Speak to Mac or Jason, I always do.

Sean Lloyd

Editor

PLEASE NOTE: Obviously as you know I would never attend a prestigious Cape Town event such as the 2008 J&B Met. Therefore I was not there this year and therefore am in no way responsible for the actions of the characters described in this fictional piece. I have obviously made the entire story up and have been furnished with photos from the event by my many connections. Thank you.

The 2008 J&B Met

So here is what probably would have happened. We would have all met up at the house of Lloyd in 3rd Avenue in Harfield Village which is very close to the Kenilworth Race Course. Naturally a champagne breakfast would be had, with everyone consuming a bottle of champagne each, followed by chasers of vodka and orange juice. We might have heard a story from a guy called Shaun whose domestic worker got pregnant. She might have phoned him to say the child had been born and he would have asked whether it was a boy or a girl.

She would say it was a boy. He’d ask what it’s name was.

“It’s name is Shaun!”

Quality.

Girls would arrive, I would stare, I would drink more.We would be in the sun until approximately 1:42 after which we would take the 5 minute walk down to the race course for the 2008 J&B Met. Somebody would walk to the furthest point of the gate possible and throw a 2 litre box of wine over the wall to be collected later. We would all pack our Red Herrings in order to deceive the security guards. After gaining entry we would have walked to the 2 litre “papsak” and put it in one of the angels handbags.

Entrance would be a spectacle as we were hounded by the photogs, all wanting a piece of us. There would literally be more beautiful people there than you have ever seen in your life. Taking a wild guess Schalk Burger would be in attendance and he would be getting asked for photos. He would oblige with the classic Schalk Burger smile.

Racing would start and once again we would be so out of our trees that we would miss every single race and not even bet on any horses because the stumble to the betting totes would be halted by our complete inability to walk. Our bodies would have basic functions on the day of the 2008 J&B Met such as mumbling, staring and drinking.

It would have been a hot day

Later on, tired of standing on the sun with all the plebbs we would totally abuse the SLXS good name to gain access into areas that we realise are forbidden to anyone other than the top brass of government. We would marvel at the food and drink on display and totally go wild. Asked what the hell we were doing there by some people we would reply “Listen, sit down before I have you escorted out of here” This was not us speaking though, it was the champagne breakfast.

A place like Mavericks would probably have kitted out a motorbike with a naked women, who from a distance would look like a real women. The excitement would be indescribable until on closer inspection it would be a fake bird and dreams would be shattered.

Ride it hard

We would only take about four photos during the day because we would be so engrossed with the talent criss crossing the lush green lawn at the Kenilworth race course. Speaking would turn out to be a problem later as we would be playing in a different league. Breast enhancements would totally distract the conversation as we would mutter and mumble our way through conversations, grossly inflating our importance in the world and saying nothing about our work other than to quietly mention that we are “moguls”

We would completely miss every horse race and would not even see the race course for the better part of the day as the tents served up snacks and drinks at a rate to make a gunnery sergeant proud. Numbers would be taken of people, and we would later see these numbers in our phones and not have a clue as to who the faces were behind these numbers.

We would miss some people during the day.

Nobody would know what Connect Couture meant and some guy and his girlfriend would come dressed in a leather bondage outfit, pretty much like a gimp. Unable to control my laughter I would laugh at them as they walked past and I would feel bad about it realising that they are just like any normal people. Except with a fetish for leather and pain.

The day would be completely lost on me as I realise that I have been standing in the sun for hours and hours. I would take a look around and realise that I am all on my own and I would wonder how long I have been by myself for, standing with a drink in my hand. I would have forgotten all the conversations I had. People would not respond to my phone calls as they would have realised that I was speaking Japanese at this stage of the day. I would have an ill look on my face and try walk back to the house by myself at about 7pm.

Getting lost I would walk all the way to the bottom of 2nd Avenue and then only realise I’m supposed to be at the top of Third Avenue. I would walk aimlessly for about 20 minutes. Entering the house I would set the alarm off and completely forget the code. I would wait another twenty minutes before calling to find out the alarm code. The cops would arrive and I would have to explain that I’m not trying to steal the house. I would realise that they now know I’m drunk because you cannot in fact steal a house.

Falling on the couch, the day of standing in the sun drinking would finally hit me and I would be dizzy. Closing my eyes I would feel as if the world was getting bigger and I was in some sort of a time warp. I would feel as if I was out of my body, looking down on myself. The dizziness would be too hectic for words and sleeping would be unbearable.

I would fall asleep on the couch alone with Dire Straits playing the “Walk of Life”

Sweet dreams Sean. Sleep tight Sean.

The End.

Ahhhh it’s a pity I was not at The J&B Met!

Sean Lloyd

Editor

According to Wikipedia, a Red Herring is a plot device “intended to distract the reader from a more important event in the plot”

And because I’m not that interested in literature, and more interested in real life things that can help you live through the Cape Town lifestyle, I have a better use for the Red Herring.

It goes like this: Let’s say that you were going to an event where they do not allow alcohol, but you know that you need alcohol to get through this event. Hypothetically speaking we could use this at the J&B Met. So you go in with a bag and you know security are going to check the bag.

So you have stored an Energade bottle full of whisky in an empty Pringles box. This is the booze to use. It’s like the horse on the course. It’s there for victory.

The Red Herring here would be your open bottle of orange juice( 2 litre) which would have enough cane in it so that the security guards would smell it. They see the orange juice is open and they decide to check it. They smell the alcohol and say you cannot bring it in. You say “Ahhhh you caught me!” and they let you in. You look sad.

You walk in, open the Pringles and you have an entire days alcohol with you in the Energade bottle.

The Red Herring is a classic trick and can be used anywhere really. It’s used as deception and always proves to be a winner.

Now you know the Red Herring.

Now you can use and abuse it.

Sean Lloyd

Editor 

It’s interesting that I wrote in my James Blunt/ Celine Dion post that many people will cry when listening to their music. It’s only natural that you have a good cry from time to time, but there are times when you want to cry, or even want to fake a cry, and you should not be doing it. To help you along in life I compiled this little list of when it is appropriate to cry and when it is not ideal to cry. Obviously as the list grows we will write new pieces on this. I continue to amaze:

WHEN TO CRY:

When you win the lottery:

This is worth a cry, because it will be your last cry. Trust me. Try crying when you are surrounded by chicks, drinking champagne in the jacuzzi on the balcony of your Bantry Bay house after which you will dry yourself off with R500 notes. It’s impossible to cry in this situation, so when you win the lottery just let the tears flow. Then wipe your eyes and know that that is the last time you will ever cry. Great! Bliss!

When her dog dies:

For the love of everything peaceful in this world, show some sympathy when a girls dog dies. Everyone gets upset when their animals die, but not all guys go so far as to cry even if they really do miss their dog and it was the only thing on earth that they could trust.

But when a girls animal dies, just CRY! Seriously, no questions asked, just do it. I’m sure there have been many times when I have been called an insensitive bastard who deserves to die just because some tears did not appear from my eyes when an animal passed away. I think I have even been told that I have no feelings, a heart of stone and that I am colder than dry ice. And that I deserve to die lonely. And also that I deserve to die. Lonely. Lonely. Die. Die. Lonely.

Seriously, that’s how bad it will get if you don’t cry and you don’t want to experience it. Take my wise words and you will not regret it.

When Leo dies in Titanic:

It’s universally accepted that everyone cries in this scene. You probably cried the whole movie, knowing that Leo will die! Also, if you are with your other half and you don’t cry, she will think that you have no feelings and that you are just in the relationship for action, and that in health you will be with her, but in sickness you will leave her. You might also be called an insensitive bastard who deserves to die lonely. True story.

Cry in The Notebook:

Any movie like this deserves a few tears to be shed. If you don’t you get the usual crap about being insensitive and that you are cold and that you deserve to die. So shed a couple of tears for the sake of not getting kicked in the head later. And possibly losing your girlfriend.

When you get kicked in the jewels:

If you don’t cry here there will forever be speculation that you are a girl. You don’t want that. Even if you splash some Energade (Even if it’s blue) on your eyes, make sure some sort of water exits your eyes. Although this should not be necessary. Although most times when people kick me there(Often), they break their entire leg. You see mine is gold because I lost it in an unfortunate shmelting accident when I was the PA to Austin Powers Fajer! They end up crying. I just laugh. Then go for a 10km run. And eat a steak. Bloody. Off the animal.

WHEN NOT TO CRY:

When your plane is going down:

You see, when your airplane is going to crash you never really know if it will make contact with the ground as pilots have been known to do some miraculous things, such as landing planes with one engine like our Nationwide boys. If you start crying in order to try hook up with the girl next to you before you die, you are making a mistake.

Girls are not going to join The Mile High Club with some sobbing little girly man sitting next to them. They want to know that their last time was with a real adventurer, a real tough guy. Like Chuck Norris or McGuyver. They don’t want their last time to be with someone who resembles a 4 year old girl whose Barbie doll has just been eaten by the dog.

If you keep your cool, you will definitely score. Girls dig a guy that can look death in the eye, laugh at it and then get his game on as the plane is about to crash. Plus, the chances are the pilot will do some sort of acrobatic maneuver and save everyone anyway. Trust me, the LAST thing you want in your life is for you to not to die, because then those tears will be a real waste. The girl won’t even give you a second look as she exits the plane and walks into the distance, leaving you with fake tears in your eyes.

If you don’t cry though you will be hopping into a chauffeur driven BMW 750i while the driver(Whose name will be Barton) leaves you two in peace while the champagne spills everywhere.

When you are with the brandy and coke crew:

These guys do not cry, even if Tom Cruise pays their house a call. Tom Cruise is enough to make me an utter wreck because he is so bizarre, but not these guys. Don’t show any feeling around these guys because you will probably be kicked. HARD. In the head. Don’t even look at your watch to check the time. These guys are not interested in time. If I had to wear my gold and silver watch around these guys, I would be kicked. In the head. HARD.

Crying would almost certainly result in death via boot. To the head. HARD.

When a lady beetle drowns in the dogs water bowl:

Enough said.

When Joost and Amor appear on the cover of YOU magazine:

If you had to cry everytime this happened, you would dehydrate. No jokes.

When Jack Bauer DESTROYS someone:

Once again, dehydration would kill you after one episode.

I know this is a very short list, but it’s a start. Everything starts with something small. Look at SLXS when we started. Look at us now. Look at YOU now! Damn it you look good!

Wow that’s nice. Shoo…Is that La Senza? Did I buy that for you? Rad.

Sean Lloyd

Editor

We are playing around with the logos so you should see a change later today. We just need some time. Going on a savage journey to the heart of the Cape Town dream is not as easy as it seems.

It takes planning, preparation…and Eric Clapton.

It’s all good though…

Sean Lloyd

Editor