Look I’m not going to go too much into it, or into it at all because I’m going to get smashed this weekend! Lies…I’m having tea with my grandmother this evening, then going to bed early. Then I’ll wake up and centre my chi with some pilates early Saturday morning and have a nice fruit smoothie at 9am. Then I’ll probably do some humanitarian work and…go out and pull some school girls! Um…I mean…girls my age.

Anyway the Virgin Festival in South Africa has been postponed until early 2009 in order to get some more international acts to make the concert coolererer and bettererer. Or something like that.

Anyway click HERE to read about it, I just need to go and see a man about a horse.

Sean Lloyd

Editor 

Buzz Aldrin has recently said in the press that the first astronauts sent to mars should be prepared to spend the rest of their lives there(Click here for the full article on the website…I can’t believe it exists…Mars Daily. Must be loads of daily news from that planet what with it’s stock exchange and vast settlement of humans). A quote from Buzz “Smoking crack in the church yard” Aldrin:

“It’s easier to subsist, to provide the support needed for people there than on the moon”

On the moon? ON THE MOON? What difference does it make if it’s easier to live on the moon? Buzz, my young son, we don’t live on the moon! That’s like saying it’s easier for a human to engage in oral sex with a monkey than with a wombat. It’s like choosing herpes of syphilis, you don’t want either of them!

There is also the small factor of mars being between 55 million kilometres and 400 million kilometres away from earth. I think even if we had to drive a Prius to mars, we can all agree that it would be a hefty petrol bill. Apparently a round trip there would take about a year and a half in a space shuttle type thing.

“Um Dave we forgot the toilet paper”

“Just…um…just hold it, we will head back now, we should have TP by next year. What? You can’t hold it? Stop being such a girl Jim!”

Also, let’s take a quick look at mars:

A tropical rainforest on Mars, with vegetable patch and chicken pen in the background (Look closely)

Ok, cool, let’s just go plant some vegetables. Apparently the weather on mars is ideal for planting vegetables and sustaining life. Ranging from minus 140 degrees celsius in winter to a SWELTERING 20 degrees celsius (Wikipedia) in summer, I couldn’t think of a better place to live. We should also take some blow up pools to cool off. We can just turn on the taps that are conveniently installed on mars. Oh no, thats’ earth. Oh wait, there is no water on mars, it’s only ice. GREAT!

I don’t quite know why no one is questioning Buzz’zz’zz little statement that he made. Look, he is American though and Americans believe anything.

Buzz: High as hell again

“Mr President why are we going to Iraq?”

“Well…we’re…we’re…going to shoot a new season of CSI, “H’s one liner mash up”, and at the same time aid in the upliftment of the area by bombing the people to dust. We are not…and I repeat not…oil thirsty”

“Ahhhh Mr President you’re such a humanitarian! Good on you!”

Crowd chant’s “USA!USA!USA!”

So with Buzz being American it’s quite clear as to why people believe him. He should be in the South African government telling people that garlic will cure AIDS. Well…if AIDS existed in the first place! You know, because obviously it’s a hoax.

A few things come to mind here, when questioning Buzz’s’s’z’s’z, reasons for making such a foolish statement.

• He’s been smoking crack down in the church yard with Rick James, bitch.
• He’s attached his mouth to the extractor fan in a tik factory.

It’s pretty sweet at the moment in South Africa I won’t lie. Yeah, the government is a little bit messed up, but South Africans deal with it. Just because JZ looks set to become our next president does not necessarily mean that we all believe in him. Unlike in America, where they believe anything the president says. We also don’t rely on the government for answers and solutions, we make solutions ourselves which is why the entrepreneurial spirit is so high in South Africa. If there is a problem we will find a solution, whether our government supports us or not.

Hey that’s heavy writing for a Wednesday. Prost!

Sean Lloyd

Editor

Just in time for that perfect Christmas present, kalahari.net are offering the Playstation 3 40GB console plus a 2nd controller for R3899.

That is pretty much giving it away!

Click HERE to own it. In fact, buy two, so you can eat one and have it INSIDE you.

I know this is all quite a lot to handle on a Tuesday but just stay with me and hold my hand tight.

Look you could go for the 80GB Playstation 3 console + Unreal Tournament + GT5 Prologue by clicking here.

It’s up to you.

Sean Lloyd

Editor

I’ve been known to have the odd drink from time to time, and nothing compares to a little whisky on the rocks and some Xanax! Ummmm…I mean….leave the Xanax out, I don’t know what I’m talking about.

The FNB Whisky Live Festival takes place on the 5th of November 2008 in Cape Town and it is an absolute pearler. I was there last year and the promotion girls are nothing short of spectacular. The whisky is a treat as well and while I can’t go into the peat flavours and all that rubbish, I will tell you that drinking is fun. Being drunk is fun.

You haven’t tried this new sport called “drinking”? It’s a rigorous liver and kidney workout, what other sport works your liver and kidneys? Exactly! It’s a unique sport. Also, if you drink a lot, you get to work your stomach muscles over the toilet bowl.

No I don’t recommend drinking in excess, but for those of you partial to drinking in excess…

The one thing I don’t enjoy about the FNB Live Whisky Festival is that no one wants to drive, and it always sucks for the guy who has to drive. But never fear…just call a Rikkis! Just click HERE to be directed to the Rikkis website, and you can get home absolutely trashed, but safe.

I can’t guarantee the wife will be impressed when you arrive home mumbling and pissing in the garden, but it will be a good night out.

What? FNB Whisky Live Festival

Where? Cape Town International Convention Centre

How much? Tickets are R150 and include entrance into the main tasting hall, a tasting glass, 12 whisky tasting coupons, a bottle of Valpre water, the latest edition of the SA whisky handbook plus a R15 discount voucher redeemable at the Picardi Rebel onsite store or outlet on any purchase of Malt Whisky up until and including 14 November 2008. More ticket options are available HERE. But tickets HERE at Computicket.

Click HERE for the 2008 FNB Whisky Live Festival website.

Make it happen.

Sean Lloyd

Editor

Every so often people tell me about things that I will “die for”, in the hope that I will talk about them and make them “popular” or something like that. People mistake me for some sort of publicity machine, able to turn rubbish brands into Gucci or Prada. Look, make no mistake, I do possess this power but I don’t use it all that often. Because with great power comes great responsibility.

Today I wield my power stick, and smash you on the head with it.

I was told to head to Pick ‘n Pay (Already a sin) to buy a pinotage called “Cafe Culture” from KWV. Now what I have done with my brain, is I have rewired it. I have rewired it so that when “cafe” is mentioned, I don’t think of something classy like wine, or even a regular cafe. I think of a 7-11 cafe. And so whenever cafe is mentioned, my mind shuts off from the conversation, to avoid me having to deal with conversations related to 7-11, which does not suit my lifestyle.

Anyway my buddy who told me about this wine is quite a reliable source and so I put my brain on override and allowed my thought processes to delve into the word “cafe”. At first it was tricky as I kept on thinking on 7-11 and how the klonkies are always naaing each other outside your standard 7-11. I overrode this thought and suddenly I was standing on a cliff, looking over an oasis of pleasure.

In my peripheral vision chicks were naked, there were other chicks rubbing coconut oil onto my tanned skin, booze was aplenty and the sun was shining bright. The SLXS yacht was parked off with a lingerie shoot taking place on it.

But there was this little island of wine and it was called Cafe Culture. Suddenly I snapped back to reality and I was sitting in my plush, red velvet chair with the most gorgeous glass of wine in my hands. My buddy was sitting opposite me asking what I thought of it.

“It…it…it’s beautiful!” I crooned.

GET INSIDE ME!

And by George, I was drinking a wine so damn good for it’s price that I just had to make mention of it here in this magazine. Wait…in this internet.

The wine is Cafe Culture Pinotage and luckily for me, this cafe is open 24 hours a day!

Anyway, have a divine little squiz over the back label on the bottle:

The Cafe Culture is home to free spirits and trend setters. Their wine is different, a unique Pinotage with a distinct coffee character. Deliciously ripe pinotage…

Wow wee, I must interrupt you to mention that I’m busy watching Legend Of The Fall while drinking this wine, and so I’m RATHER emotional!

…grapes have been persuaded to show an often hidden mocha flavour — nothing is added and nothing is taken away.

They enjoy it on its own while chatting and debating into the night, or with whatever food they choose, even dessert! And they know it’s best while still young. Become a member — you won’t go back.

HECTIC! I know. It is complete madness in a bottle. Do you like it how they have persuaded the grapes to release the flavour? Like they really had a conversation with the grapes! I’ve probably hit about four bottles in as many days and it’s amazing. I love wine like I dig my chicks..young.

Seriously though, the reason I like my wine young is because I can never hold myself back. I used to try and buy wines that would age well but I’d normally get shit faced and just drink them young anyway. I’d buy expensive bottles and then put them in the cellar, and then get drunk and pry them out the cellar. But I would be so drunk that I wouldn’t even be able to enjoy the flavour.

Like when I go to the whisky festival and use my last tickets on Glenfiddich. I can’t taste the flavour, but it’s just so good knowing that you are wasting money in an extravagant manner. Nothing like a disgusting display of wealth!

I don’t know a lot about wine, the only thing I know is that I consume a lot of it. I can’t describe the more delicate flavours, but to me a wine is either smooth and I like it, or it’s bitter and stuff and I hate it.

This wine is completely different. I couldn’t believe that it had a mocha flavour! Seriously it’s got a mocha taste that is hard to describe in a wine. It’s just so good and lends itself to becoming a fully fledged alcoholic because you replace your morning coffee with Cafe Culture wine because it’s so good!

I rate that in about two weeks you will be well on your way to having a drinking problem with this wine, which is not as bad as it sounds. All the cool kids have addictions so it’s worthwhile to get one. I love it, it gives me so much joy. All the celebrities have addictions so it’s not that bad.

And if your parents start to worry, or your friends, just say “Well at least it’s not crack”

I always like to compare myself to others. Like when you think you are poor, just think of little Bilo in Uzbekistan who had to eat his foot last week for nourishment. That puts things in perspective and makes you feel better. Or when I think I’m ugly, I just think of Lyle Lovett. Or when I’m sad, I just think of most chicks at 16 years old…they’re so baked on hormones they don’t know whether to embrace the action or shy away from it. They don’t know whether to be straight or lesbian. That makes me happier.

So as we navigate this Cape Town road together it’s always good to know that relationships come and go, friendships start and end, sex comes and goes…but the one thing that will always be by your side is Cafe Culture Pinotage.

It’s that friend that comforts you when you’re all messed up, it makes you happy when you’re sad, it fills in as a meal when you realise that eating is cheating, it’s that partner that never leaves you, it’s the partner that also pleasures you from the inside (Niiiice…), it goes in and around your mouth (Oooooh ladies…naughty naughty!), it’s available for around R45 a bottle at Pick ‘n Pay which is cheaper than even a Claremont Main Roader (Taking a wild guess), it looks good, it picks you up when you’re down, and drops you when you’re too high, it picks you up and and calms you down at the same time.

Ladies and gentleman, this wine is amazing and I strongly suggest that you go out and buy it. It’s the only wine I’ve tasted recently that has that mocha flavour that arouses me.

This wine will change your life.

Oh my word Brad Pitt is holding a baby in Legend Of The Fall and it’s adorable.

Wine. Legends Of The Fall. Sports Illustrated. Sean Lloyd. It’s all too much on an emotional level.

Until next time.

I love you. x

Sean Lloyd

Editor

Oh my word, how insane was that heading? Did you see how I crafted that? I know! I know! I’m all that and more!

Anyway you probably already know that it is on sale for R30,95, but let’s just review it’s positive points quick:

Chicks in bikinis

Alright, that pretty much sums it up. It’s not quite as sexual as Swimwear 2001 in which Ana Hickman gave me the most massive bone. I still remember, I was in Grade 10 at the time and was reading it in maths class. I think I was in Mrs Carletti’s class at the time. God how she freaked out when she found me looking at it. Thank God she came and took it away from me, there was no way I was walking to the front of the class with a semi. Anyway I think Swimwear 2001, Malaysia is still the pinnacle of boner-ness. I still have it in my possession and it makes me sleep well at night.

The 2008 Swimwear edition is wankable though…well I guess depending on your level of desperation, the Makro underwear catalogue could be wankable. It all comes down to standards. Anyway go out and get it now.

Swimwear 2008 — Worth a tug 

I’m getting a second copy sent to me. It’s quite weird, I must have spilled glue on the section where the Swimwear starts. Damn, it happens every year. It always seems that I play with glue in November.

Weird trend.

Sean Lloyd

Editor 

Seriously, it’s quite bad at the moment. We can’t even afford to eat anymore. Our lives have been reduced to absolute rubble! All we can do is drink and smoke. But sometimes we can’t even find lighters to light the smokes.

It’s quite dire in Cape Town at the moment. Look at the complete destruction of a city I love with all my heart:

Chatting to my financial manager about the weather and chicks

We can’t even afford to eat real grapes 

Are you SURE you’re well? You look nervous! 

It’s obviously dire at the moment and we are all a little worried over the global collapse. Funny enough it hasn’t stopped French imports into the country.

I’m still nervous though.

Sean Lloyd

Editor 

I spotted this in the Hout Bay house the other day.

Great if you like munching rug I suppose.

Sean Lloyd

Editor 

The editor and what is SURELY Cape Town’s biggest puss?

Sean Lloyd

Editor 

Jeez Louise you would have lost your mind on Clifton on Saturday!

Firstly, we arrive thinking “Rad, we are going to pull into all the chicks on the beach without fail. They will see us and want us” Oh no, we were wrong!

Enter Mr Tank Man, Mens Health Look winner and USN man on every page of Mens Health, Mark Pearce. I kid you not, he is ripped like an animal. So while we were sitting around trying to come to terms with his rippedness, everyone at the beach was staring at him. And when I say everyone…I mean EVERY-ONE. I took a look at the crowd and they were all just staring at him. Not ideal, unless you are him.

Anyway take a look at this picture of the mess of people on the bee-atch:

And this one:

Cape Town’s elite laughing on their boats and yachts, laughing at us plebbs on the beach

As you know, the storms a few months back have cut the beach off by quite a large amount but there are still the same amount of people visiting the beach, resulting in a monumental fest of people. We had this chick with the smallest bum in the world sitting right next to us. So we chatted her up and the reason she had bum like 16 year old is that she was 16 years old! She’s got my number, I told her to call when school is out forever.

Other than that we had a pretty standard Saturday amongst the Cape Town crowd.

Oh there was also this picture:

Our current vibe at the moment.
Sean Lloyd

Editor