I’ve spoken about Loaded Smoothies before, but they’ve completely sold me on the brand after their spectacular performance this past weekend at Pro-X! I don’t even know what to say. This week is dedicated to girls because for some or other reason, Cape Town and it’s surrounds have just been filled with ridiculously beautiful girls! More so than ever before…

Third from left wearing the Aviators — EXACTLY my type!

Wearing the Aviators, naughty grin — I’m not even joking, I think I’m in love

Camera champ getting a nice angle of Roxy’s ass

Hey kid! Sneaky little bugger! That is sure to be a lady slayer when he’s older

I love that brand. I love those girls. I love Loaded Smoothies.

I’m dedicating this day to love.

So I saw some photos come up on the Facebook application inside the internet machine the other day with our mate Grant…and he was in some sort of green room with some complete hottie!

The photo that made me green with envy (See how funny I am?! Whatever…)

Obviously I was jealous and I quickly ran around my room to check that I hadn’t accidentally slept on a sheet of acid that was lying around (As sheets of acid do) There was nothing on my bed but some weird book called the Karma sew…something or other I don’t know, some crap probably about good karma and stuff.

I then read that it was none other than Vanessa Haywood! Naturally Vanessa and I have a long history, my ending things when I decided to pursue Ana Hickman. Vanessa also didn’t like dating a celeb, so you know, that cut me out.

But enough about me! Here is Vanessa Hayward and Grant from Gamestate…and well…they’re Wii’ing.

*Wipes tear from eye*

I…love…you…

*sniff*

Can we rekindle things?

I always snap photos on my phone and then forget about them, and then find them weeks later. Like this photo I found of some dude walking through Stadium On Main, at night. This was a Tiger night and I can’t remember the time, but this is after 10pm at least. Check this stunner:

I mean, who does this?

Is it Neo?

How much do clothes cost in The Matrix?

Or is it just your stock standard serial killer looking for drunk people?

Crisis, there are some seriously strange people in this world!

So I found myself watching a movie at Cavendish last night…and then going to Stellenbosch with Mr Felly! Average, but the dancer in Springboks seemed alright.

Dean Fuel…not the dancer

Oh hello there!

That’ll do!

So it’s amazingly hot today but I am getting through my Pro-X work. Cropping and choosing which pictures to use is proving a tough task! But it’s like we don’t take life seriously or something. Andy B in the photo below showing someone how to wakeboard…or not.

Um…ja…you just…um…bindings…feet…in bindings…wakeboard…um…boat…err…water…sunscreen…lotion…sun is dangerous…

Anyway, if you were not at Pro-X, you were a fool, a fool I tell you! You’ll see when I’ve done all the photos and all the writing.

P.S Enjoy work, it’s nice weather.

Kids these days can’t tell me anything.

“Invictus was amazing hey, have you seen it?”

“Hey, you listen here you little PUNK. Let me tell YOU a story you snot gobbler! Uncle Sean was alive during those times. I don’t need to see the film, I was there. I was like 10, but I was there and I was drinking beer and eating biltong because at 10 I was a man. I was a man who killed my own supper. I fried that shit up, hot and nasty! I saw Joel drop kick that little bitch”

Actually, an interesting little side note here, I used to live next to Joel Stransky. No jokes! I used to chill with them all the time. He lived in Rondebosch, in ‘Sangrove Close’ Yeah so during his heavy glory days I would just go there and grab a rugby ball and kick it around. We were tight like that. You won’t believe how small the houses there were, but it was awesome. I basically lived in my bathroom it was so small, but that’s what happened.

To those of you near Sangrove during my seedy youth, you will also recall that the forest caught alight one night (The foresty section by Marsh Memorial Home) Yip, that was me! And it was a sparkler that caused the fire.

Yeah so anyway, kids can’t tell me anything.

“Oh have you ever been to St Yves?”

“Listen here you FOOL, I’ll tell you a story about St Yves! St Yves used to be Ignite. I was basically Ignite royalty, myself and Charlie V and The Rog used to kill Ignite. If you came in there wanting to pull chicks, there was no chance because the HMS Lady Slayer that we cruised in on would have already taken everyone. So don’t even ask me if I know about St Yves. Of course I know about it. I’ll tell you something else, I knew Green Man (Oddly enough, Joels old place), the original Tin Roof. In fact, I knew it when it was still next to Boardmans in Claremont.”

OH NO…NOT THE ROG!

But anyway, to say I know St Yves was a bit of an overstatement because I had never been to it since it had been refurbished. But to honour my old tradition of owning the place, I thought it pertinent that we go in with a bang, and leave with a bang. If we went in to St Yves on my first night back there, and didn’t come right, it would not set the tone for a good, solid relationship for the most beautiful club in Cape Town.

The St Yves crowd…chilling!

Inside: Packed, nice!

So myself, G-Bizzle and Matty G pulled in. It’s quite hectic, I mean the age is 25 which thankfully I now represent, and the cover charge is like R80 or R100 which thankfully I don’t pay.

My wingmen making a clear path for me

The cool thing at St Yves is that you only need to concentrate on looks and personality (If you’re a stickler) because it goes without saying that everyone is wealthy. It’s just how it is.

My only problems on the night was some of the DJ’ing. Songs were being mixed into each other with the grace of a gunshot through razor wire. I honestly could not believe what my ears were listening to. Also, the sound distortion was quite hectic at times which I’m sure they can fix quite easily.

On the girls front, yeah it’s good! I actually won the prize for first place, and my prize was a lucky packet from Spar. Because that’s how celebs roll! Well, E-Grade celebs. That’s basically us. But we’re E-Grade ass kicking celebs.

There were some people giving me funny looks on the night, this one blonde girl looked at me, and stared as she walked past. At first I naturally, because of my HUGE ego, thought “Oh she totally wants me”

Then I realized she was probably thinking “Ag there’s that tool who runs that stupid website, ah vomit on my  Louboutin’s”

Well thank you, but vomiting is a great way to lose pounds for a show.

The place is clean and as some of the old guard will know, I’m old school Tiger crowd. Tiger is pretty dirty so going on to St Yves was like upgrading your girlfriend from a Mathlete to a supermodel. It’s friggin’ amazing! And it gives you a happy feeling in your pants.

Our conversation on the night was the usual superficial stuff, because as many of you know, we’re ego driven E-Grade celebs who thrive on judging people. Are they rich, good looking and thin? Yes? Well then they’re cool with us and we won’t judge them.

Oh don’t look at me like that!

Like you don’t judge people!

No but seriously we’re not that superficial. Maybe.

On weekends. When there is a full moon. Then we’re not superficial.

As per usual there were the dance floor players, the okes who are so dead set on hooking up with a particular girl that as soon as you are in the vicinity of said girl, they get in the way. And in their head they’re thinking

“Hey bru, are you checking out my broad?”

But because all they do is go to gym, their personality resembles a bergie vomiting, their intelligence allows them to count to potatoe, and their conversation is peppered with words like china, bru, oke, HGH, protein, pumps, glutamine, gym and the like.

On the other hand, my conversation is all just a lot of awesome. I don’t even try impress people. I just let the general aura surrounding me do the work. And it’s true, if you put out a good, awesome, happy vibe then that’s what you’ll get back.

To go into a club with a gym mentality is only going to attract a whole lot of other okes wanting a fight. If you put out a chilled vibe, you’ll just attract awesome people. Oh and also wear a unisex fragrance.

Chicks dig it!

It’s so mad, wearing D&G La Roue De La Fortune is basically illegal. But amazing.

I was quite tired from work that day, so I decided to just kap a dos on the couch. I mean the place is ridiculous!

The Swear James Dean shoes…sick!

There is a dude cooking boerie rolls on two massive gas braai’s.

I didn’t have one but if it’s St Yves I can reassure you that it’s not like the boerie chick outside Tinners or outside Springboks. These are not made from cats, dogs and snakes. Rad!

I don’t walk into clubs that often where I’m at a loss for words, but I was at St Yves. It’s just so classy, so awesome and so different. I mean, your view is of a beach and palm trees so it feels like you’re not even in a city.

It hands down kills any other club in Cape Town. While I realise the atmosphere of clubs is all set for different crowds, it’s still amazing at St Yves. I’ll still do Assembly because it’s a totally different crowd and feel they’re going for, but if you want extravagance then St Yves seem to get it right.

They just need to fix the sound and the DJ murdering the mixes, and we’ll be rolling!

Crisis, this is hilarious! I was scoping out TripAdvisor now and saw a banner for the 2010 Dirtiest Hotels and clicked on the list. There is a place called Heritage Marina Hotel in San Francisco, and check this:

“Like out of a horror film; This is the hotel you stay at before you get killed!”
Heritage Marina Hotel

1 of 5 stars

Feb 22, 2010 | Trip type: Friends getaway

This is the dirtiest and most disgusting hotel I have ever seen!!! As soon as we walked into the room, I felt like I was breathing “dirty” air, it was hot and muggy in the room. The room smelled, and everything just looked dirty. There was a little box on the wall that looked like an AC control, we couldn’t figure out how to turn on and work the box, so we called the front desk. They told us there was no AC and to just turn on the ceiling fan or open a window. When we opened the window, there was no screen and a balcony outside, the balcony led to the window of the other room, so since there was no screen, the person in the other room could easily walk onto the balcony and come into our room. The door wouldn’t close properly, the bed felt wet, there were many homeless and meth/cracked out looking people hanging out in the rooms and the hallways. I honestly felt very unsafe, I felt like I could possibly get killed staying in this hotel. I will NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER stay at this hotel again or recommend it to anyone!!!!!

Good grief! I mean that’s quite dramatic, but awesome nonetheless. I’m always intrigued by the seedier side of life and would just like to take a walk through there. Buy some crack from a kid living in a trash can or something. Be attacked by a crystal meth baby. Holiday fun!  I loved the ‘meth/cracked out people’ comment, awesome! If you’re a hotel on that list, there’s a good chance business is not going well. Well accommodation anyway.

The chances are that those places are just crack dens running under hotel names.

Oh and if you’re in Cape Town, I’d also avoid The Ritz Hotel. Trust me, it’s got nothing in common with The Ritz in London.

Click here for the hotels you don’t want to stay at.

Interesting advert:

“Ah yes sir, your client is just a Ron Jeremy (Google that) away”

Ok it’s probably not funny to you, but I’ve been coffee shop hopping for a good portion of the day, and BY GEORGE have there been some belters!

While I cover most of the skom areas of Cape Town, I don’t really venture to Tokai side too much.

Except when I go to Pollsmoor for a cheap lunch.

Tokai is also clean and surrounded by trees and I like gutters and oil and tik to surround me at all times. It keeps me on my toes.

So anyway Gaz is our boy on the East Side (Or whatever side Tokai is) and he nearly made me fall off my paint tin when he sent this in! I first watched it using the free Wifi at Cheynes in town because Telkom evicted me (Well my house was repossessed, same thing) because they said my factory farming methods of CAT were a fire hazard. In fact this may be a lie, but it can’t hurt to pretend.

So check this out, Michael Jackson in Tokai:

I think it’s a ghost from when he was younger, except for the fact that ghosts are traditionally white, but I say it’s his ghost because he is black. If you know what I’m trying to get at, because Michael was black? Ok John Denver! Ah…ladies and gentleman…Mr Quincy Jones! Hey little darling I’m Johnny Cash.

Hey? No I haven’t had my hands on anything funny today. I just need to go walkies.

(Thanks Gaz!)

I REFUSE to use ‘lol’, but here it is necessary because we’re using it to illustrate the youth of today. Look, Shaun inspired me to use ROTFLMA! Or is is ROTFLMAO? Whatever, it’s stupid.

Gaz dropped me this a while back:

REALLY?

Now I don’t know what sort of crack these kids are smoking, but REALLY? You have a full keyboard at your fingertips, it’s probably harder to abbreviate everything than it is to type it out. You’re idiots! If the future of this country lies in our dumb ass youth, then we’re in a lot of trouble.

I mean, not that our government are rocket scientists, but if the crackhead kids of today ever get into government, or anything, then we’re in for a rough time.

These kids can’t even count to potatoe, they can’t spell, they can’t get their drivers licenses, they hang out in shopping malls…is this America or something?

LMAO!

LOL!

ROFL!

SHUT UP

Oh and for a look at how People magazine are inspiring YOUR CHILD to be a degenerate, crack smoking, gun wielding, degenerate skom gangster, click HERE.