I was privileged enough to meet Chris Simpson last week Wednesday for a function of sorts at none other than Villa Lara. I think it was Wednesday. On Thursday I was at 26 Sunset Avenue with Sean(Or Shaun) and Julien the butler. What? Well someone has to live the dream!

Villa Lara’s pool: Sexual 

It was quite rad, I won’t lie. I met Chris briefly as he went around chatting to everyone at his stunning Cape Town Villa, set in Llandudno, a place close to my heart! To those of you unaware, Chris has produced award winning work and loads of his prints can be seen in his home, Villa Lara.

Villa Lara’s patio: Sexual 

Villa Lara is one of the most beautiful villas I have ever been into, and with sea views from pretty much everywhere including the bath in the main bedroom, it’s true Cape Town luxury living. At some R21000 per day in peak season, it’s not that far off to actually stay in Villa Lara. We just need to up our game!

We all chilled and drank wine, and a couple of Mojitos, and then ate some sushi, and then some other delicious food! It’s not the worst job in the world, I won’t lie, but again, someone has to do it.

To check out some of Chris’ stunning work, click here.

For the official Villa Lara website, click here.

Thanks to everyone especially Chris and Charlene for having us round, I had an awesome time!

Now if some more of those delicious Mojitos could be sent my way I would truly be living the dream.

Sean Lloyd

Editor 

Remember, if you want to party like a rockstar, or like me, apply for tickets to the Twentybrand party over HERE.

Ready D, Ryan Dent, Leighton Moody and Flash Republic are playing on Friday 12 September in Cape Town.

I went out last night to that Tiger Tiger end of exams or something party and I literally cannot function today. It’s Friday though, so forgive me. I threw so much name and I was fairly out of hand. No one will talk to me today, rad!

Sean Lloyd

Editor

CEO

Owner

Managing Director

Captain of this ship

El Capitano

Chief

Commander in Chief

President

Main Koenyn

Koning

Lead Anchor

Raddest Dude Alive

“Tower this is Ghost Rider requesting a fly by”

“Negative Ghost Rider the pattern is full”

BOOM!

Oh my word, last night was insane. I went to Hemisphere with Andy B to the Lingerie party. Well I have NEVER seen such fine people on display. Honestly, there were like 5 models in lingerie posing on a couch for some sort of photo shoot. There were nipple slips and everything, it was insane. I will try find out where those photos are, and I’m sure if I get a hand on them I will put one or two up here.

Yeah that was the pleat in my pants. No I’m serious, I wear pleated pants.

So I’m chilling in the VIP section (I didn’t know there was anything less than VIP) and some girl comes up to me asking why I’m not dancing. I obviously let her know that if I do dance I will literally burn up the floor, I’m that good.

Anyway, she goes on to ask me what it is that I do. I don’t normally speak about what it is exactly that I do, and I definitely don’t tell people that I run this website. I keep it on the DL, and let people find out for themselves. I had been reading an interview in GQ earlier in the day with Christian Bale who is one of my top rated actors.

He was saying how sometimes in interviews he gets bored of telling the truth, and sometimes the people interviewing him will bring up something that is not true, and just for fun, he will run with it.

So I get asked last night what it is that I do.

“Well that’s quite interesting, because I don’t actually do anything” I replied casually.

“Oh…so…you’re like a socialite?”

“Yeah pretty much”

“How did you make your money”

“I don’t really like to speak about it much. Listen, I must just catch up with some friends I came out to meet tonight, it was nice meeting you”

So I cruise around, chat, have some jager, have some vodka Red Bull (I have those when I can’t get hold of USN Spike) and the next thing I know, this chick is back.

“Seriously though, what do you really do?”

“I really can’t say, I just build relations by going out a lot and meeting lots of people”

“But like…how do you make your money?”

“Well I’m not really wealthy”

“But you’ve been drinking vodka and Red Bull all night and it’s a Wednesday night, most people have work tomorrow”

“It’s just that…I really can’t speak about it”

We left it at that. Damn, the next thing you know, I’m looking across the bar at her and 4 of her friends are looking my way, obviously intrigued as to my arrogant swagger (Ha ha…ha…cough…ha ha…ummm)

Now after a few drinks, I thought I was clever. But now it’s Wednesday and I’m rethinking what the hell was going through my mind last night. Wait it’s Thursday. Either way it’s the weekend.

Last night I thought I was playing it cool but now looking over it this morning a few things have been brought to my attention:

By not paying too much interest in these girls, they could possibly think I’m gay. Which means I am out of the game with them. KO’d.

They could also think that I’m an arrogant tool (Which, by the way, I might be) and don’t want to have anything to do with me.

They could also think I have a girlfriend.

They might also think that I’m really boring, and don’t really know how to talk to girls (Which I don’t. What, do YOU?)

I think the odds here are stacked against me. While it is nice to play it cool, and act uninterested, or is it disinterested here, there is a line. I think I crossed the line into acting so uninterested that those girls probably won’t speak to me next time I’m out.

The reason I’m telling you this is because when a group of hot girls are trying to figure you out, at least give them something. Don’t ever think that you are so cool that you cannot reveal anything about yourself and they are going to find this attractive. Because they don’t. There are now four or five girls in Cape Town who are probably spreading the word about the arrogant guy in the white shirt drinking the vodka Red Bull on a Wednesday at Hemisphere.

I’m SUCH an idiot, so do learn from my mistakes.

There is a difference between cavalier and just being boring and coming across as arrogant.

Back to school for me.

Sean Lloyd

Editor 

I’m often asked about parties and drinking and stuff I know a lot about, so it’s no surprise that people ask me how to better their chances of coming right with the opposite sex. I’m like a teenage prodigy in this regard and I know everything. Obviously it’s not possible to recreate my vibe when you go out because not everyone has an all year round tan, chiseled cheekbones and a natural sexual energy that flows from them like a fountain. I have all these things and it was a genetic lottery that I hit.

When I exercise, I sweat Armani Black Code. True story.

Anyway, to recreate some of my party vibe you can spend some money to get similiar effects. On my off days I take this party kit with me:

The Stay Awake keeps me awake, while the eye drops keep the other party asleep! I don’t think we need to go too more in depth here as I’m sure you get the point.

This is what I’m here for, to help you along in pursuit of the Cape Town dream. You can’t see me, but every day I’m working towards a bigger dream in Cape Town, and it constantly unfolds here in my writing. I’m sure you will see this, if you haven’t already.

I’m like Mother Theresa. I just drink more. And I’m a guy. Actually I’m not like her at all. Sorry, bad example.

Sean Lloyd

Editor 

I was checking out this pack of Marshmallows yesterday and all I can say is that I…am…shocked.

On the packet it says “A naturally fat free product” Meaning, people are going to see this and think “Oh well it’s alright to eat then! Down down down…down into my belly…down down down…I love marshmallows…they can’t make me fat.”

Thunder thighs may want to consider a tactical chunder… 

NO NO NO!

Put the marshmallows down! Come on, look at yourself? Can you really afford to be eating these sugar bombs? No I don’t think you can, with summer being on the way and all. I know there is no fat in sweeties, but there is sugar, and we all know that carbs are the enemy! Obviously good carbs are fine, like sweet potatoes and low GI products (As Sean recites his copy of Patrick Holfords New Optimum Nutrition Bible from memory)

There are also good fats such as olive oil, avocado and nuts. But McDonalds is not a good source of fat! Their meat is a good source of hormones though, so if you want to be fat and hairy then I would suggest McDonalds is the right way to go. You know…you could grow a ‘tache like that chick at Pick ‘n Pay.

Obviously with Tashtober and Movember coming up (More on this another time) this would be the perfect time for the girls to stock up on hormones from poor meat sources such as that muck non free-range-smells-of-fish- chicken that you can buy at Pick ‘n Pay. Seriously if you girls want to grow a mullet, or a mean moustache, then go ahead and eat that stuff.

I’m just saying…your chances of coming right if you are big and hairy are slim to zero.

I’m hitting the ball…it’s flying…oooooh it’s landed!

The ball is in your court. Play it as you will.

Incidentally it’s the Her(m)anus Whale Festival in September…

Sean Lloyd

Editor 

We came across these sandals (They are from Brazil, so are sandals, not Japandals, like the ones from Japan) in Woolworths the other day. Ok, cool, a pair of sandals.

NO! Not just any sandals. Ipanema by Gisele Bundchen! It’s quite weird because when I dated Gisele (Hooked up in Cabo in 1992 for the first time) we were obviously getting quite serious and thinking of pumping out a few little Gisellings. We mutually decided that Ipanema would be the name of our first child. I went on to become the more successful one, and Gisele just got really jealous and I had to end the relationship. Calling her range “Ipanema” and making sure they get stocked in my local Woolworths in Cape Town is quite clearly her way of saying she wants me back.

Babe, I’m single at the moment, so when you are ready again I always have place in my heart for you. My heart will go on! (Sung to the tune of Celine Dions Titanic epic song)

Anyway, I haven’t seen Gisele in absolute yonks (Joburg kugel) and when I heard her range of sandals for the ladies was available in Cape Town, I was quite impressed. It’s also quite weird that Gisele is from Brazil, her Ipanema sandals are made in Brazil and she sports a Brazilian! It’s like the merging of three great Brazilian things…my ex, her sandals range and her grooming regime. Awesome!

So the whole vibe with the sandals is that this whole Ipanema and Gisele Bundchen thing is geared towards saving the waters of Xingu, Brazil and the world. It’s a whole vibe of preserving the planets precious water systems so we can all survive.

Ipanema by Gisele Bundchen: R120 for that pair 

Index finger to lip: Hush my Gisele…soon we will be together… 

So when you buy Giseles sandals, you kind of help out by supporting these programs, and you also support a healthy body image for the ladies all over the world. Seeing Gisele makes chicks get insecurities, and they want to lose weight and take better care of themselves which is a blessing. Also the mention of water might divert their attention away from that Coke which will no doubt spend a good part of it’s life on the thighs.

Another weird thing is that the last time myself and Gisele were chilling together she wasn’t even wearing sandals. Someone from the press took this photo as we got into a bout of sexual healing:

Positioning herself directly over my immense piece. I miss our summers together. 

As you can see, Gisele was placing herself nicely above me. Rad. I still miss her, but I’m confident we will make a reunion soon, and we will have our little Ipanema.

Anyway girls, I thought I should let you know that you should get down to Woolworths to get a hold of these sandals, because not only does it promote a good body image (Read: Skinny) but it also saves the fresh water of the world. In addition, Gisele is an ex very close to my heart, and so by supporting her, you essentially support me and my future with my wife and our little Gisellings.

It feels like the stars are aligning.

I won’t be single for long…

Sean Lloyd

Editor 

It’s quite normal to see hose holders at houses, most likely made by Gardena and sporting a green Gardena hose. This is alright if you lead a regular lifestyle, but obviously you don’t want to lead a regular lifestyle. You don’t want to end up like your folks do you?

You want to be like Rod Stewart! You want to be boning a chick that keeps getting better looking, you want to trade your wife in for a new model. Right. Or you might want to do a Ronnie Wood.

So I was at a house warming near The View (Table View) on Saturday when I noticed possibly the most awesome piece of garden architecture I have seen in my life. It’s something that you will probably only see around The View, but I think it’s quite rad! And please enjoy the colour of the hose, because green is so mainstream!

Please enjoy that. “Naai, naai, bloo hose! Naai naai, passion gap! Naai naai rolling on dubz!”

It’s quite awesome, but it would be better on 22″ rims I think. Even better, if you could get the rim of something like a Rolls Royce, you would be THE biggest pimp in Cape Town! Imagine that…You would score so many more chicks, just by pimping your hose holder.

Imagine the possibilities once this trend starts catching on…You heard it here first.

Sean Lloyd

Editor 

I was at this soiree at the town apartment on Saturday night when I laid my eyes on the most gorgeous thing of my life. Unfortunately she would not speak to me, so I consoled myself and looked for happiness and love at the bottle of a gigantic wine glass. While I was perusing the kitchen, looking for stuff that would look good in my kitchen (I like to permanently relocate things), I came across the most beautiful bottle of Tabasco sauce I have EVER seen in my life.

It’s so small, probably so small that it would not even Tabasconize (I made that word up right now, feel free to use it, it will definitely be in the dictionary next year) one slice of pizza. I seem to have gotten slightly immune to Tabasco after a few too many drunken days at Forries, where after a few brews, I just pour Tabasco all over myself, all over chicks, in my eyeballs, on my main chap and stuff like that.

I obviously used to choke and cry when I first used it, but now it’s more tingly than hot. This little bottle of Tabasco is so dinky (With a “d”) though that you just want to eat it all up! Have a look:

Oh sorry, that was a little too sexual wasn’t it! I do apologise but I’m currently listening to Rebel Yell by Billy Idol. Whether that is sexual or not is another story, but anyway. Have another look:

Isn’t it too divine for words?

I think it is! I don’t quite know where to get it, but it’s 3.7ml’s of pure peppery goodness and you will literally want to pour it into your stomach. Directly. An IV drip would work as well, as my taste buds have become a bit dead due to overuse on the T-Sauce front.

I just thought that you needed to know about this bottle. Whether it’s going to make you wealthier or not is yet to be seen.

Sean Lloyd

Editor 

I’m not even going to begin this by lying to you. So I won’t lie, I have basically been by myself the entire day (My Facebook friends are dropping by the double digits daily as my writing intensifies and people have begun to hate me, and avoid me like you would the plague)

So it’s Sunday, and I have been tapping the wine fridge (R5000, thanks for coming) pretty much the entire day In Pursuit of Happyness. I can’t say it’s worked that well but I am beginning to see some sort of light. I think it’s the light above my desk, but anyway.

So Sundays are normally consumed by me being alone, drinking stuff that probably should not be drunk, and then going onto Facebook to see who I will most likely have kids with one day. It’s a nicer way of saying that Sundays are spent on Facebook stalking random girls that I have met and trying to find out exactly what they like, so I can suitably impress them, or roofie them, or whatever. Eye Gene…

Anyway, I’m on this birds page (Katie, no need to worry, I won’t let anyone know your name. It’s my secret) and I see an advert for a place called “Mantality” The advert actually said something about male grooming or something of the sort. I should mention here that I don’t moisturise, neither do I drink Savannah, nor do I use hair products.

Anyway I thought I should click this ad anyway, even though I shy away from male grooming myself. I get onto the Mantality website, and it’s obviously trying to follow in the path created by Manology, who I have used before. So I’m cruising around, looking at moisturisers (Joking dad,the only aftershave I use is Old Spice like you taught me. Nothing like that burn after shaving!) I then see a page called “Sex”

Obvioushleeey being a couple of glasshes of wine down…that’s lie…maybe two bottles…I was quite keen to check this section out.

Well well! I was shocked!

(Insert gasping sounds…breathing in deeply…eyes wide)

There is some crazy stuff there! I’m not joking, Mantality is like MENTAL at the moment! I’m fairly well read and intelligent (Yeah go ahead ahead and laugh. After laugh laugh comes cry cry) but there is stuff there that I never knew existed.

Check some of this stuff out (Kids please go watch the Cartoon Network):

Firstly we have the Fleshlight Original Ice Lady. I had no idea what this was until the description informed me:

“As you penetrate the velvety soft Real Feel Super Skin you will experience the absolute finest in simulated intercourse known to man”

OK! RIGHT! Check the weather outside, it’s mad! Hey mom how you doing! Hey dad! Wooo hoooo! Yeah just shaved my balls…

Quite interesting there. Moving along:

“The Monkey Spanker”

“The Monkey Spanker Vibrator is a brand new tool for spanking the monkey. Based on an innovative diaphragm design…”

Oh GRIEF! This is too much for me ha ha! I can now confirm that my teeth are stained red from the wine and this stuff is too funny.

I mean…let’s not even get into the “Tenga Deep Throat Cup” or the “Tenga Double Hole Cup”

“Oh howzit mom”

“What am I doing? Not much hey, just spending a few grand on a double hole cup for myself and some stuff to choke myself out with. And a monkey spanker. Hey? What is that? Oh it’s just a new rice cooker from Miele. Oh that thing…no it’s the name of a new range of pots I just bought from Le Creuset. Cool, later mo-izzle”

You start off by having one drink on a Sunday, the next thing you know you are looking at fake holes, chatting to your mom on the phone and realising the absurdity of the situation.

I’m on the phone to my folks while looking at sex toys and I’m drunk.

Ahhhh Sunday…the day of the Lord.

Fabulous!

Sean Lloyd

Editor

We hit up FTV Cafe in Cape Town on Wednesday and had one beer, then left.

Why?

Because no one was there! Weird…I have not been in a while and never knew it had quietened down on a Wednesday. Normally it’s mental in there. Anyway, someone had a clever idea to hit Wadda. I wasn’t keen. We went anyway. They were closing.

Someone said Tin Roof. I pulled out my 9, and was about to shoot myself. I thought my life is too good to waste on Tin Roof. Anyway we went in.

Some chick comes over to us, thinking she will pull. The ground shook where she walked.

This week’s classic comment comes in. One of the crew:

“Man the harpoon gun!”

And I’m done. I now officially have about 5 friends, after the hate mail from my Smarties article. Oh well…I’m having an awesome time.

Have a great weekend.

Sean Lloyd

Editor