To those of you unaware, DSTV is an African phenomenon that manifests itself as a satellite dish on your roof and a so called “decoder” in your TV room. These two pieces of equipment manage to also tap into your bank account and take away R500 or so every month.
For this R500 you get to watch things such as the Dutch channel, the Chinese channel, the gerbil channel, all sorts of ridiculous God programs with scam artists like Ray McCauley and the like. You see Ray McCauley just gets people to donate money to “God” Obviously Ray McCauley is God and so takes all the cash and splashes out on luxuries for himself and his wife. Then they divorce etc etc. But enough about that…
So a few months ago DSTV decided to change all the channel numbers for some bizarre reason. This had me a bit confused as nothing really made sense. Channels were all over the place and it had me throwing my beer down in ANGER. And now it seems as if in the past couple of days they have changed the channel numbers again. As if to just kind of break my back and keep me guessing as to what the point of it all is.
But because we all pay R500 a month they feel like when they make changes to their lineup, they need to make us feel as if we were involved in the entire process. So now they interrupt our already disastrous viewing schedule with some lady who assures us that they have taken our suggestions on the channels and put them to use, thus creating the new channel schedule.
To be honest, the new channel schedule does make more sense, but still…let’s just keep it constant you know. Now when I get home at 5am smashed out of my mind, I’m going to have to search for Fashion TV. I can’t just put my mind on auto pilot and let my hands press the right buttons so I can check the models out. Obviously I don’t do this but I’m using the example for illustrative(In your mind) purposes. Wait I don’t even know if FTV has changed but anyway.
I like it though that they say they have listened to us regarding the new channel schedule vibe. I asked all of my friends, who all have DSTV, and not one person was asked about the channel numbers by a DSTV representative.
But the ad does make you feel as though it’s worth paying R500 per month for channels that I would not wish upon my worst enemy. I mean, I have a schedule of about 10 channels that I watch. So I’m paying about R50 per channel per month in effect.
And then there are my various addictions that I still have to pay for…circus midgets covered in cocaine, Brazilian models covered in chocolate and the odd llama that I fly in to suck on my toes.
How is a man to live when there are so many expenses in life?
And petrol is going up next week as well, so R100 should get you at least 440ml’s of juice. It’s so cheap to survive right now!
Sean Lloyd
Editor
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