One of the things we’re not very good at in South Africa is spending money wisely. We’re tops at spending money, I mean, we sure know how to rock star it! We’ll have Tony Yengeni drinking champers at Caprice, we’ll spend a few billion on submarines for some unknown reason and everyone in government get’s a bonus even if they virtually floored the economy in its chops.Our economy can run negative and you can be rest assured that JZ and his pimp crew will be rolling on dubz and kicking it in new pads.

We invest in health ministers who can’t even quit drinking in hospital and we have JZ doing his shenanigans every day of the week. I think if South Africa were a rock band, we’d definitely be Motley Crue, and if we were a rock band member, we’d be Keith Richards.

So now we’re talking about a dole system (Article HERE) which immediately sets alarm bells ringing in my head. A red light flashes…my brain slows…CORRUPTION!

Whenever we mention the “b” word, that being billions, I think we’re headed for trouble. You see, when billions is mentioned, we forget the millions. So South Africa will spend R30 billion on this dole system per year, and you can be sure that someone will go cashing on a few millions along the way.

Entrusting our government to R30 billion is like entrusting Keith Richards with your coke stash, Andy Dick with your vibrator or Russell Brand…with your daughter. They’re surely going to use it for otherwise reasons!

If I have a daughter one day, there are some of my friends who she is FORBIDDEN to talk to, because I know she’ll hit 18 and they will shag her. They will! I mean my daughter should shag. She should shag herself crazy as long it’s with someone decent and she’s wrapping tools.

This is the very same way that South Africa should be forbidden from having a dole system. It’s going to end up in more government officials going on more tax payer sanctioned holidays, more people will be unemployed and there will be more space for dodgy activities. I’d just as soon trust our government with R30 billion as I’d trust my penis to fight herpes, as I’d trust Ted Bundy to babysit my kids, as I’d let a German tourist choose my shoes and socks (I can like to wear a safari suit at the V&A Waterfront)

If we take a look at Britain, we can see what the doll has done for them. Everyone’s killing each other in between watching soccer games, and kids are pumping out new kids like the Arabs pump out oil. It’s phenomenal, those chavs.

Your average, respectable bunch of chavs

To be honest, I’m all for unsheltered unemployment! It let’s people craft creative ways of making money. It’s probably one reason for the thriving tik industry, which to be honest, is fabulous at population control. Surely more effective than silly diseases like AIDS which take way too long to work and cost the tax payer a small fortune.

If our tax wasn’t wasted on stupid things, South Africa would basically be paved in gold and we’d ALL be addicted to booze and cocaine! I mean, who wouldn’t be? The country would be so fabulously wealthy that the last thing to do would be to get hold of a substance addiction. All the rock stars do it, and everyone wants to be Keith Richards.

I’m just saying, this dole system seems a little spicy.

Now if it were a doll in the other sense of the world, where they all import every single guy a Swedish underwear model to shag, then I’d be all for it! But again it would be open to corruption. Every married man would dump his trophy wife, leaving a whole lot of useless plastic wives roaming the landscape, further fuelling unemployment and the curse of the “Zero IQ”

We’d have a great deal of plastic ex wives with massive tits and bums like 12 year olds (Wait…success!), but no one would want to shag them. Some of the homeless would, but this would further exasperate the disease rates in the country.

Either way, getting either of these doll/dole systems, or not getting them, is going to result in massive amounts of disease and drug abuse.

So I say we skip the R30 billion dole system.

Invest it in Robben IsleBiza (Check out that sick place HERE) and the country will be wealthier than Dubai.

That way we’ll have a sick party island, sex will be abundant and we’ll all have drug problems.

And…success!

Sean Lloyd

Editor 

I receive the biggest crock of rubbish sometimes, and I don’t know how to respond, so I usually don’t. Anyway, I received this from Songezo:

Yeah I can’t read that either. But enjoy how it says “Confidential” Not anymore!

“Dear Sir/ Madam I am a student at the Cape Peninsula University of Technology (CPUT) , I am doing mechanical Engineering sencond (His spelling) Year. We have been given a project to do, about submarine. I would like to come to your company to make an interview, about submarine”

And that’s it, no sign off, nothing!

I mean come now!

Firstly, do I look like I deal in submarines? Do I? Do I?

I don’t think so!

Secondly, what made you think I deal in submarines? I don’t recall anything about SLXS being about submarines. It’s about successful living, yes, it’s about excess sex, yes, but not submarines.

Unless of course you click HERE, you will find two articles mentioning submarines.

So good luck on the engineering degree, I’m sure you’ll do well.

Naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat!

Sean Lloyd

Editor 

I noticed two articles today in the Sunday Times. One saying:

“The billion-rand dud” perched right on the front page. It goes on to say that the first of the three submarines has spent most of the past six months out of the water due to serious defects. Awesome! South Africa has raging crime and unemployment, electricity problems, and we blow R1 billion (Or in my last article it was R2 billion) on a submarine that does not work, and that we don’t need. I wrote about this absolute spectacle over HERE a little while back.

I’m not even going to go into the article, because the government will then be stealing time from me. Time that should be spent with women and in the company of fine liquor!

There is also another article entitled “Robben Island on verge of collapse”

It says Robben Island faces a crisis “due to overspending, ticket sales chaos and alleged financial irregularities” It also mentions that ticket sales are on the brink of collapse.

The SLXS solution? Well I wrote a piece entitled “Robben Islebiza just off Cape Town” over HERE a while back.

The answers are all there, if only anyone would listen to me.

Sean Lloyd

Editor 

Some of the things we do in this country are just hilarious. Firstly, we elect the current people in government which include our boy JZ, our health chick Tshabalala Msimang and that other guy…um…Thabs. We can now clearly see that they don’t really have any clue what is going on, but I still was not completely convinced that they were absolute morons.

One of the main things we speak about in South Africa is obviously the crime because it is a bit of a bad situation. Now the government could obviously do a couple of things about this but because they have an IQ of 12, they refuse to. They don’t think of getting more cops, or training the cops better, or putting a better education system in place or just helping the country out by doing anything good. Obviously with the 2010 World Cup coming up, we could look at investing in a reliable and safe transport system. But we don’t do that.

It’s no secret that anyone with half a brain will refuse to take the train in South Africa because it’s quite dangerous. True story.

Being South Africa we are of the opinion that we are going to be attacked by some unknown force who are definitely going to hit us from the ocean. Don’t worry about refugees getting through our border, which is nothing more than in invisible line where anyone can cross at their will.

South Africa will let crime roll on, they will let people through the borders, they will be unable to control some xenophobia violence but being the rock stars they are they will want to buy some boys toys. Basically being the “Motley Crue” of the rock star governments, South Africa are near number one when it comes to blowing money on utter crap. They are the hotel trashing rock stars of government.

In this months GQ magazine, we hear that our boys have broken their credit cards in half by purchasing three submarines which come in at a cool R2 billion each. Never mind that there are people starving, or we face an electricity crisis, or that out transport system is so disgusting that we all have to drive personal cars to work, or that we face a multitude of problems. When our boys want to have fun, they will damn well have fun!

The German built type 209 submarine. Good times!

Personally I would have spent the R6 billion on getting Jacob Zuma through a decent High School education. That way he will learn that showering after sex will not prevent AIDS. I would also get Manto Tshabalala Msimang through a High School education so she can learn that eating beetroot and sweet potatoes will not cure AIDS. Lastly I will get Thabo a degree in running a country, so that when violence breaks out, such as the recent xenophobic violence, he will realise that he actually needs to be in the country, and not touring the world. He will also learn to admit that there is in fact a crisis in Zimbabwe.

If I’m not mistaken, not long ago he said there was no crisis. Yeah…and the Pope is Jewish, lives in Sea Point and walks his poodles on the promenade on Monday mornings.

So anyway it’s clear that our boys from the navy have been watching way too much Entourage and they are trying to live like rock stars.

Apparently, according to the GQ article, “the primary role of the submarines is to defend South Africa’s interests and territorial integrity while also bringing to the region and the African continent ‘a significant strategic deterrent capability’ ”

Good God almighty, who is their speech writer? President Bush would approve! “significant strategic deterrent capability” AWESOME! What drugs are they using? It could be lucrative selling that stuff.

But these submarines are actually quite a good thing. Because I was down at Llandudno the other day when I noticed a definite sense of war in the air. I pulled out my scopes and cast an eye over the horizon. Lo and behold, the Germans were coming! God, I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. We were definitely being attacked and this warranted the R6 billion pimp spending spree.

I then woke up and my coffee was cold and my dog was licking peanut butter off my balls. Yes, the German invasion was a bad dream.

I can just see what the navy shopping list looks like:

Three submarines

18 Brazilian supermodels, 6 for each submarine

60 barrels of whisky, 20 for each submarine

3000 condoms

Xanax, Oxycontin, Vicodyn and fourty eight bags of cocaine

Milk Thistle liver tablets

80 bags of weed

Unlimited supply of pizza for the munchies

Let us be honest for a second, who the hell is going to attack South Africa, FROM THE SEA? What are they going to take? Our oil? Our gold? Our ramp models? Our property?

I don’t think they are going to do that.

So I can confidently predict this winters blockbuster movie. We introduce to you a Busted Government film.

“Fear and Loathing in South Africa: Bitches, artillery and the PO-lice”

Starring Thabo Mbeki as the brain dead prez. JZ as the bitch slayer. Manto as the groupie. With Jacki Selebi Selebi as the evil villain and The Scorpions as the next extinct species.

Thabo. Thinking of his next drink and spliff session with JZ

They went where no government had gone before. They slept with each other to keep the group tight (And loose I suppose) They rocked out with their piece out and had warm showers. They cured AIDS all the while their people suffered. They laughed with Zimbabwe as they saw it collapse. They got drunk in hospital and then told their people that they were “Health ministers”

The biggest criminal mastermind group since Ocean’s 11 with unlimited bank supplies.

They came, they saw, they destroyed.

Now open at a South Africa near you.

Sean Lloyd

Editor