If you, like me, enjoy taking evening runs along the Sea Point Promenade, and slow walks in the afternoon to lag at the Jewish ladies with their rooi hair and pink poodles, you will know that you want to keep Sea Point Promenade free from developments.

At the moment the Cape Town public are fighting a development proposing to take place next to the Pavilion Pool. Once a development starts there, there is nothing from stopping more developments taking place along the entire promenade.

Imagine having the entire Sea Point promenade rife with developments? No one wants this and this is where Seafront For All comes in.

Guys, girls, we really need you to sign this petition (Thanks Mitch), whether you are in Cape Town or not. So what you need to do is the following:

Click HERE to be directed to the Seafront For All website.

Click on “Petition” and fill in a few lines there and you’re done. And also have a more in depth read over the website, and you will realise that it’s ridiculous to allow developments across the seafront.

What will we laugh at when the 70 year old Jewish chicks are gone, no longer free to walk along the beachfront?

And what about the Jewish guys?

Like this dude (HERE)?

Runs along the Sea Point Promenade will never be fun again!

Sean Lloyd

Editor

I wasn’t aware of this until I was sent an e-mail with a link to the photos of the launch party for the Nova Constantia Boutique Hotel in Constantia, Cape Town.

I get invited to so many events, it’s hard to keep track of where my face is going to be next, but it seems I’m only one step away from featuring in Gwen Gills column. It’s only a matter of time. Anyway, here is a photo I found of myself looking dashing with a side parting.

I’m being serious when I say that if I were a chick, I’d totally dig my vibe!

Wick…wick…wicked!

Maxing the lifestyle

“Good Lord Sean, your skin looks amazing! What moisturiser do you wear?”

“Well actually my loving readers, I use the Trevarno Organic Mens Moisturiser. Feel free to touch me”

Click here for the rest of the photos.

Click here for Nova Constantia Boutique Hotel.

Ahhhhh high society…you have to love it.

Sean Lloyd

Editor

We spent a bit of time at Villa Lara in Cape Town on Friday.

The balcony view

Struggling during the recession

Good times!

I still rate Villa Lara as one of my top 5 villas in Cape Town for it’s simplistic design, and as always…location. Located in Llandudno, it offers some of the most spectacular views in Cape Town. It also offers easy living and the place feels as though you could live in it, and trust me, you can. I despise places where everything is too picture perfect to the touch…where you feel living in the place would break it. Villa Lara is tailored towards the easy going, simple living beach lifestyle where the pool, the sunlight and the ocean are the centre of the holiday.
From summer days and summer sunsets, to rainstorms lashing the ocean in winter, Villa Lara offers a visual spectacular rarely seen.

Villa Lara is not only available to rent as a Cape Town holiday villa, but can also be used for functions. So if you are having a product launch, or a dinner or work function, Villa Lara can cater for all your needs in spectacular style.

Check it out by clicking here.

And book your stay at Villa Lara by clicking here.

Sean Lloyd

Editor

Rarely, if ever, will you be invited to the launch of a boutique hotel and see such a spectacular display on offer. As if the actual hotel were not enough, the management team of Nova Constantia put on a launch party certainly unrivalled by anything I have seen in Cape Town. We were invited to Nova Constantia this past Friday evening, 28 November 2008. I go to plenty of property and restaurant launches and Nova Constantia put on something special that made me view this boutique hotel in another class. Seeing the passion the owners have for their hotel is something that lets you know it’s going to be run professionally and will go on to be highly successful.

Mingling with high society at the launch..terrible job!

This type of vision sets the great villas and hotels apart from the rest because people remember the great ones. I’ve never been able to recommend a property to foreign visitors unless I have personally been to that property and had a good look around and possibly met the owners. You gain a great deal of insight into how the business will be run by meeting the team behind the business and I’m suitably impressed!

Not content in just inviting us around for drinks, the Nova Constantia team put on a full visual and audio spectacular of food, drinks, live music and a fire spinner (Poi)

Speaking to the Nova Constantia team, it was said that from the outset, they are not expecting to break even within their first season, and while some may think this unambitious, this is the true sign of great business. A great deal of money has clearly been spent on creating a boutique hotel that is plush, liveable and within the standards of any top class chain hotel — Only with boutique you get the attention to detail and that personal touch that can be felt when entering Nova Constantia.

A lot of people think the property business is easy, and just because you have a good location it will sell out and you will make money quickly. But it takes more than that and the team, including director Jiri Batek and the highly experienced Mike FitzGerald of Sterling Resort Management & Development Services, have put together a boutique hotel that is sure to be highly sought after in the luxury Cape Town property market. With a restaurant, snooker table, solar heated pool, tennis court and gym facilities, Nova Constantia set themselves apart by being that home away form home, rather than that chain hotel that you’re usually booked into.

Also, the prices are highly competitive, seeing as though boutique hotels offer more in the way of those personal touches.

Barbecues around the pool, gourmet dinners prepared by top chefs, sushi evenings, and wine and cheese pairing with the winemakers are all available and are one of the many reasons why Nova Constantia is the hot ticket in Cape Town accommodation. Bookings are now open and if you are in Cape Town and looking for something more personal than a chain hotel, Nova Constantia Boutique Hotel in Constantia, Cape Town, is your number one choice.

The evenings cocktails were crafted by the highly professional and talented team at Thirst Bar Services, who had served us the previous night at Twiice International in Cape Town.

Thirst Bar Services kept me VERY happy!

Gathering like fireflies around the Thirst Bar…

Instant seduction!

The guys at Thirst really do know how to make their drinks, get hold of them for your next function over here.

The final touch to the evening was when we left, we were presented with a bottle of Constantia Uitsig white wine and a 2GIG Nova Constantia engraved flash drive with all the photos and details of Nova Constantia. It’s this special attention to detail that will have people remembering Nova Constantia, as if the hotel were not beautiful enough.

Go on, click here and take a full look at what is on offer at Nova Constantia.

It’s the luxury you’ve been looking for.

Sean Lloyd

Editor

I nearly forgot to mention that I was asked to do the copy a while back for an English Language Homestay/ Bed and Breakfast in Rondebosch in Cape Town. It’s actually right next to my old school. Not like old school, or the movie, but my previous learning institute.

Basically you can come to Cape Town, and for our small town American readers, Cape Town is not in Mexico but rather in South Africa, and you can learn to speak English. Acorn Lodge Cape Town is also a bed and breakfast for those interested. AND you can rent the entire house if you so desire. Seriously, it’s all there.

For some time I’ve considered doing this sort of thing as a career for myself. But only focusing on fashion models! You get hot birds who can hardly speak a word of English and you make them talk dirty. You give them the basic language skills like eat, drink, sex.

Just a little business idea that I had running through my head. If you steal it I’ll sue you.

Jokes…but I want some credit here…you know…because I do ALL the work in this place!

Anyway click Acorn Lodge Cape Town to be directed to the website and check out my cracking writing.

Seriously, if I were a chick, I’d do me.

Sean Lloyd

Editor

It’s been another one of those Cape Town days where I have been thinking “How can I live a better life?”

No, working harder is not an option. My body does not accept work. That would go against everything I stand for. I will accept money for being me, but remember…I don’t get out of bed for less than R10000 a day, just like a model.

Then on the thought of models I thought it would be cool to have a model stay over at my house this summer, you know, just for shits and giggles.

It was at this exact point in time that the hard drive in my head started twisting, turning and firing on all pistons. It opened up a file called “Sean sleeps with supermodels”

The file opened and a sub folder was then further pried into. It read “Sean has a fashion model staying at his house”

You must realise that this is all going on inside my head, and we are not talking about a computer here. This hard drive I speak of is my brain.

Let’s not lose sight of that.

The file I opened was almost ridiculous. It was like one of those work from home offers that you think must surely be a spiced story. But it’s not…it’s true! It’s true!

There is a place called The Loop and this is what happens:

Every summer Cape Town turns into one of the most sexually charged, party fuelled cities in the world. Sex and champagne are more freely available than fresh air if you run in the right circles (Cough…cough) We spend our days on the beaches and our nights in the clubs, pulling models, drinking the finest liquor on the planet and basically abusing our situation of money and beauty.

But it’s so ridiculous, that you can even have models stay in your house. I kid you not, and you get paid! I would let a model stay in my house for a bit of side action, but here you actually get paid!

Once again I must make clear that this is NOT a joke. This is real and it’s happening in Cape Town, OUR city!

For a luxury room with 2 beds, you are looking at getting paid R1400 per week, or around R6000 per month. Now again we must stress here that you are earning money, to have a model stay in YOUR house.

YOU get paid for THIS!

I can’t quite think of anything better! I would let them stay for free, or at a reduced rate just for a titty show once or twice a day.

So basically this summer in Cape Town, you can chill with a model and get paid. What’s better, even if you don’t end up hooking up with the model, it earns you massive street cred. You stroll off the beach into La Med with a fashion model on your arms. Everyone knows that chicks want what they can’t have. So when you appear to have a girlfriend, chicks want you. When you appear to have a hot girlfriend, chicks go mental for you. They wonder why you don’t like them, and then start crazy dieting and stuff to make you want them.

Even the skinny ones diet, and vomit up their Coke Zero and lettuce leaves in order to attract you. What they don’t realise is that you are getting R6000 per month to have two chicks chill at your pad.

If you’re lucky on the side, the models will be paying you and sleeping with you. You’re now like a Cape Town gigolo! Even if thy are paying you and giving you only the odd handski, I still think it’s quite a sweet deal.

In all honesty there is probably in something in the contract of The Loop that forbids you to have sex with your room mates. But we all know that warm Cape Town summer night and champagne are only conducive to hot sweaty animal mating.

I was saying, you can have a model stay in your home. It’s weird because on The Loop website, they only allocate one bed to one model.

I don’t have a spare room, but I have a bed big enough for about 6 or 7 female models. I’m also quite big.

Seriously though, click HERE to be directed through to The Loop, and fill in the form to get a model to stay in your house this summer.

This information is for YOUR health.

Sean Lloyd

Editor

HOW is that word? Shmoozing. You wouldn’t want to overuse it, but it’s cheeky to throw it in here every few months.

Anyway I’m not getting into hectic detail on O on Kloof, a boutique hotel that I was at last night in Bantry Bay in Cape Town. I mingled, chatted with the owner Olaf who is quite a character! Walking around, he said he never wants our glasses to be empty…I like it! I was hammering Cosmopolitans (Yes), red wine and canapes and basically just thinking

“Life is GREAT!”

It all went down last night, a proposal went down so some chick was stoked about life. I was chuffed that I was kicking it at O on Kloof, eating, drinking and being merry.

Mark may have enjoyed the line

“Babe do these jeans make me look fat?”

“No honey, I think it’s all the chocolates you’ve been eating lately”

One last thing, check out myself in the guest bathroom.

Enjoy the blue lighting. Amazing. I would later seduce myself over a bottle of red at home. I’d then hit Tiger Tiger hard on the head with a stick.Phenomenal.

We will go into more detail on O on Kloof in the near future, but I’m off to hang out with my wang out at the wakeskate demo at the boat show in Cape Town.

Pop down and say hi. And if you’re hot, wear something tight.

Touch yourself.

Touch me.

Wanna go halvies on a baby?

Sean Lloyd

Editor

I was privileged enough to meet Chris Simpson last week Wednesday for a function of sorts at none other than Villa Lara. I think it was Wednesday. On Thursday I was at 26 Sunset Avenue with Sean(Or Shaun) and Julien the butler. What? Well someone has to live the dream!

Villa Lara’s pool: Sexual 

It was quite rad, I won’t lie. I met Chris briefly as he went around chatting to everyone at his stunning Cape Town Villa, set in Llandudno, a place close to my heart! To those of you unaware, Chris has produced award winning work and loads of his prints can be seen in his home, Villa Lara.

Villa Lara’s patio: Sexual 

Villa Lara is one of the most beautiful villas I have ever been into, and with sea views from pretty much everywhere including the bath in the main bedroom, it’s true Cape Town luxury living. At some R21000 per day in peak season, it’s not that far off to actually stay in Villa Lara. We just need to up our game!

We all chilled and drank wine, and a couple of Mojitos, and then ate some sushi, and then some other delicious food! It’s not the worst job in the world, I won’t lie, but again, someone has to do it.

To check out some of Chris’ stunning work, click here.

For the official Villa Lara website, click here.

Thanks to everyone especially Chris and Charlene for having us round, I had an awesome time!

Now if some more of those delicious Mojitos could be sent my way I would truly be living the dream.

Sean Lloyd

Editor 

I have been SO quiet lately. Some of you feared for my health, as you said I was not partying that much anymore. I feared for my health as well!

My doctor took me off my Milk Thistle tablets, as he said I had made a marked turnaround in the battering of this vital organ. He was confident I would now reach the ripe old age of 26.

Just to prove him wrong, I left his office, gave him the bird and stepped up the abuse on my body. And so that’s why I have been so quiet.

That…coupled with the fact that there was some crazy chick who tied me to the bed, absolutely hammered. She passed out and left me there.

No that’s all lies…maybe…

What I really meant to tell you was for the past few weeks I have been working on the copy for http://capetown.villas.co.za

I have the best job in the world (Well other than brewing beer) I basically went to some of Cape Towns sickest houses, checked out the vibe, then wrote the copy for them. I also helped out with the section on the right hand side of the villas page entitled “Cape Town lifestyle”

Obviously I refused to work in an office, and this job allowed me to indulge in my wildest fantasies, and it counted as “work”

Little did they know I was with my laptop in Columbia, snorting coke off a dead hooker! Ha ha…and they thought I was at my “desk”, “writing”!

Ha ha ha! I fooled them! I then took the money I earned and pimped it out in a villa, and that’s where I am now. No I’m joking…I’m not paying to stay in this place. It’s an occupational benefit! Woooo hoooo ha ha ha!

If you want to know what the sickest villa I visited looks like cast your eye below:

Villa Lara, Llandudno, Cape Town: Chilled!

Then click HERE to see Villa Lara. I was in it. But more importantly, I wanted Villa Lara in me. Only then would I be content…

Funny enough I just looked Villa Lara up in the dictionary.

And it is there! Let’s see what it means:

“Villa Lara is an ancient Egyptian word, translated from hieroglyphics to English and meaning ‘you will get sex tonight’ ”

And I think we can all nod in agreement…that’s a good thang!

Anyway…more to come on the villa I’m currently occupying. It’s actually such a sick place I want to vomit.

Click HERE to see the work I did for http://capetown.villas.co.za

Obviously it’s impossible to do this by yourself and I’d like to thank the extended team, including Suzaan and Christine for guiding me, and everyone else involved.

BOOM!

Owning Cape Town!

Sean Lloyd

Editor

I was browsing over Cape Town’s online portal, Cape Town Alive and found that they had featured our article on the property rental prices soaring over the 2010 World Cup, which is quite cool.

Cape Town Alive is an online directory of nightclubs, events, blogs and more, all focusing on our town, Cape Town!

Did I mention Cape Town in this article? Ok this is getting ridiculous!

Check out our post over HERE and check out Cape Town Alive over HERE.

I must show you my other Cape Town villa work sometime, it’s madness! I do it for the love of the city though. I should run for mayor!

Or for official face of Cape Town parties (Let’s leave the word “drinking” out here. I fear some of you may think I have a problem)

I’m fine, jusht a little offisher, tipsy.

Sean Lloyd

Editor

Cape Town – Owners of luxury Cape Town properties are set to break into the money club over the period of the 2010 Soccer World Cup with rental prices set to triple, to the delight of luxury home owners.

So says Ric Meulemans, director of www.capetown-direct.com and owner of 2 luxurious villas he successfully rents in Constantia.

We chatted to Ric about the price increases of property rentals and whether people will be willing to pay such high prices considering the current economic climate worldwide, which finds itself unstable riding on the back end of of high oil prices.

“Well essentially the people that these properties cater towards are more interested in the quality of the rental, money is a secondary consideration. They will not be affected like most of the population with regards to oil hikes. You must remember that these people are coming from overseas, so the exchange rate is highly in their favour, and in their countries they are already wealthy, so factor in the exchange rate and they are basically royalty in Cape Town”

“Looking at our rental options, our villas are top of the line properties situated in the finest areas of Cape Town such as Hout Bay, Constantia and Camps Bay. We aren’t marketing houses in Kenilworth, we are selling movie star living in elite suburbs” Said Ric

Lambo or Ferrarri? Lambo or Ferrari? No, let’s get the Lear jet

“We are targeting the top end of the market and our villas are top tier places. You are paying for exclusivity and if our guests want a butler, or a chef from a top restaurant to cook for them, we will organise it for them. If they want bodyguards, or they want to charter a private jet to Plettenberg Bay for the day then we will take care of that. Essentially guests are paying for a professional service and a professional team. If they want to be driven to a wine farm in a Hummer for a wine tasting session, and then dropped back home in a helicopter, we will do it, but obviously it comes at a cost”

“You must remember that these people are used to living like royalty in the finest areas the world has to offer. For them, helicopters are nothing and private jets are their form of transport”

Veuve or Moet? Veuve or Moet? Honey, let’s just buy France

I also asked which would be the most popular areas in Cape Town for rentals.

“Our enquiries are mainly focused around the following areas”, says Ric:

Camps Bay

Hout Bay

Clifton

Constantia

“Another thing that the general public forget is that major corporations will also send their top directors down for the 2010 Soccer World Cup. Let’s say, for example, Coca-Cola decide to send their major directors down to Cape Town for the 2010 Soccer World Cup, they will obviously be looking for top accommodation and will pay no matter what the cost. For these types of companies, this spending is nothing in comparison to their turnover and profits”

“To give you an idea, Carpe Diem, a villa in Camps Bay, could fetch 100k (ZAR) per day come World Cup time”

Ric’s parting quote sums it all up:

“There are no bad times for these clients. Oil can rise to $300 a barrel and they are still going to be drinking Moet at their Clifton villa while a sushi chef prepares their meal and the Lambo sits in the driveway”

Sean Lloyd

Editor

I absolutely LOVE stories like this one! You might recall sometime ago, some absolute legend was found floating in the sea off the Irish coast, surrounded by, oh..um…R1 billion worth of cocaine! Can you imagine? That must be absolutely hilarious. Rescue crews are used to finding people on trees, or in life rafts, but to be floating on bags of cocaine, you are a special kind of special! (Click HERE for the story)

The Po-Po pleased with a catch of R1 billion!

Anyway, our boy Martin Wanden had been living the true excess lifestyle in Cape Town, but a little bit beyond the usual realms that SLXS might promote. Basically he was this cocaine king and decided that Cape Town would be a nice little point to enjoy his drug money. And Cape Town is a great place to enjoy your money, as we all know. But Martin Wanden had gone overboard and was basically boning his wife fuelled by drug money. I assume he boned his wife…

So they find him, clinging to life on bags of cocaine off the Irish coast. Funny enough, him clinging to life was basically him clinging not to his lavish life of old, but to his new life of taking it up the ass with no lube. Awesome!

It’s funny how quickly things change. I mean just the other day I was having a threesome with some supermodels from Brazil, who were on assignment in Cape Town. Now I’m stuck dating a lousy American supermodel, but I take what I can get.

I think Martin Wanden would rather have died off the Irish coast as high as a kite than die sober in a prison with a staunch one in his zero. I mean that would be my choice…surrounded by cocaine…floating in the ocean with the suns rays beaming down on me…in fact that could have been the perfect way to go. But Martins survival instincts kicked and and he would not give up. I will not die today (I think Leo said this in “The Beach”) Martin Wanden will never go on to star in The Beach like Leo, but he will be the bee-atch who will have some guy in him.

I would have taken gulps of sea water and cocaine and gone peacefully like Leo did in Titanic. Leo even came back to life and got to bone Gisele Bundchen a couple of years later. And then Bar Rafaeli. Sometimes dying just seems like the right option. You might not come back to shag 100 virgins, but two super- supermodels would be fine for me thanks!

To quote the Sunday Times:

“SA authorities hope the luxury home, which boasts a spa-bath, a wraparound terrace with a pool, four-car garage and views of the coast, will fetch around R14 million”

Martin Wanden’s Cape Town house in Llandudno

Martin Wanden’s other lair in Hout Bay, Cape Town

Not too bad Nige! I would buy it and rent it out all year round as a Cape Town villa, you will make some good cash. I was at Villa Lara the other day in Llandudno, and I’m sure that’s a cool R20000 per day. You know…obviously I don’t know too much about Cape Town villas…I’m not really in the industry…but we have connections.

But anyway the house in Llandudno, Cape Town, will be auctioned off on August 8, 2008 at 12h00 by ClareMart auction. The auction will take place on site at 4 Sandy Bay Road Llandudno. The next show date for the property is Sunday 27 July 2008 from 2pm – 5pm.

Funny enough, we hang out in the same areas as Martin Wanden did, to those interested. Click HERE to see Casa del Holiday, where we spend our summers in Llandudno. And click HERE for Villa Sandenbergh, where we host our parties in Hout Bay. RAD!

For more information on the auction of Martin Wanden’s coke lair please click HERE.

I knew you would like to know this, nothing captures the imagination quite like drugs and luxury houses in Cape Town!

Sean Lloyd

Editor

Every so often something on the internet catches my eye. Sometimes it’s Gisele Bundchen naked, sometimes it’s breaking news, other times it’s just stupid celebrity stuff such as Megan Fox looking smoking hot. But a lot of the time it has got to do with money, and the excess lifestyle that can be had if you are heir to an oil fortune or just happen to have parents that invented Tik(Methamphetamine) Then you generally have loads of cash. However, there are some things you just cannot afford, even if you are fairly wealthy and stay in a decent suburb.

I bet you cannot afford R250000 per night to stay in a villa in Cape Town during World Cup 2010! Thats a quarter of a million ront every single day! And it doesn’t even come with a happy ending…nor are the walls sand blasted with cocaine! It’s quite outrageous, but even more outrageous is the fact that there will be someone out there who will be able to afford it. Think about it, 8 nights stay there and you could have pumped a R2 million house…and kept it!

But then again R250000 is not that much when you see how much money some people have. It’s probably a days worth of interest for some. In those terms it’s nothing really. R250000 is probably their equivalent of my R250. I won’t lie though, you would definitely come right in that villa. I don’t even know why I mentioned that because it’s SO obvious.

Bra…off

Panties…off

Making kids while enjoying the view…affirmative

You play it all cool though. You come off Clifton, tanned, white boardshorts, and put on a cream linen shirt. You comb your hair back and slip on your Gucci shades. All very low key stuff here.

You walk up to La Med and take a seat near to the hottest women at La Med. You inch closer to her. Eventually you are sitting right next to her, with a Coke looking drink in your hand(There is a reason)

“Hello” you say, in a faux European accent vibe thing.

“I hope I’m not disturbing you” you purr.

“Um…sort of…” she says nervously.

“Can I buy you a drink?” you say, with a twinkle in your eyes.

“Um…I kind of have a boyfriend, and he is going to be here soon, but thanks”

“I don’t know how to put this…but I have a very small penis”

“Um…what? Can you please move away from me freak show”

“That came out all wrong. I have a very small penis, and so to compensate for that I decided my only chance was to become disgustingly wealthy. I’m kind of…I’m kind of a billionaire”

“A billionaire drinking that shitty drink”

“That is a Lagavulin my lady”

“No buddy that’s Coke!”

“Yes, a Lagavulin and Coke. I sometimes actually wash my dishes with Lagavulin, I have tons of the stuff. What I wanted to tell you was that I have no natural charm. And a very small wang. But I’m very rich”

At this point you get up, and drop a bank statement in her lap confirming that you are a billionaire. She looks up at you with those “I could swallow a tree trunk” eyes. She stands up, you take her hand, you crack wood.

Right then her boyfriend comes sauntering up and confronts you.

“What are you doing with my girlfriend FOOL” he demands, as you are now holding her delightfully perky ass.

“I have a one inch penis”

And then you just walk off, leaving him dazed and confused. That’s it really. If you had huge cash, a situation like this would not be far out of reach. Obviously the boyfriend might want to kill you, but that is why you have a bodyguard.

I don’t know where this story was going, but it just goes to show that no matter how ugly, or small you are, money will cure all.

So if you are battling to come right or are just not as well hung as Ron Jeremy, then you should consider becoming a billionaire. It works wonders.

Trust me, this villa is what we refer to as a panty dropper.

Click HERE to check out some more pics. And anyone wanting to sponsor me a night at the villa for free, don’t hesitate to contact.

Sean Lloyd

Editor

It’s no big secret that we all want a bit of Richard Branson spirit in us and we all want to buy an Island such as Necker Island. Necker Island is the dream of every single person on the planet and Richard Branson only paid $180,000 for it back in the day. That’s like pocket change. YOU could have afforded that! Ok it then did cost about $10 million to develop, but who’s counting?

It’s also no big secret that every single person in Cape Town goes to Plettenberg Bay after they finish High School for “Plett Rage” Apparently I went after finishing school but I don’t actually recall the whole trip happening. I just remember being dropped back in Cape Town with no recollection of the previous week and nothing but photos of me horizontal most of the time. Whether these photos were taken in Plett is a mystery to me.

Anyway most kids who go to Plett just want to party and see if what they learned in Biology was actually true. They go there trying their utmost to hook up with everyone.

There is now a new hook up technique which I have discovered and it’s called “R27 million” If you are in a public school and are ripped like Bruce Lee, have the face of Beckham and know how to talk to the opposite sex without flinching, then you are still going to get kicked out of this game.

However, if you look like Shrek, have the body of Rosie ‘O Donnell and are absolutely loaded with cash that you inherited from your parents, and therefore go to a private school, then you win this game.

This game is called “Let’s see if I can hook up with every single available girl in Plett during Plett Rage”

You don’t need to use lame pick up lines and you also don’t need to work out. You don’t need to follow a healthy diet or even get a tan. And you won’t even need to use the “Hook up and shut up technique”

All you need is to tap into your folks trust fund account which has been set up for you. One lazy Saturday afternoon just quietly mention to the folks that you are going to pop past the shops to get some “essentials” Head directly for the bank and just draw some money. “Some” meaning “R27 million” Then take your car and go for a little meander up to Plettenberg Bay. Take a boat or helicopter(Choose the helicopter) ride to Stanley Island and just throw the money down. You now no longer have to worry about life.

Because for most people, life is about money and relationships, even though they would like to believe that their relationship with their other half is not based on money. What are most fights about? Money. Exactly. Oh and guys drinking too much. Having too many boys nights. That also causes its fair share of relationship troubles.

But seeing as though you are already a trust fund baby, the money is sorted. Relationships are not so easy but this is where money helps. Look, I would not say money will buy you true love, but it will go a long way to buying some sort of love.

Lots(Not all) of girls want security. And by “security”, we are talking dinners at The Mount Nelson Hotel, drinks in Camps Bay, handbags from Fendi, cars by Bentley and houses in Camps Bay, Llandudno and Clifton. Not to mention all the other little things. Security could also include private islands and never having to work again in their lives.

You can be this security blanket!

So this little Stanley Island seems to be up for sale according to THIS article for a cool R27 million. But we can all confidently agree that this is something that is not really about the money and it’s not in fact that expensive. I have always believed that you cannot put a price on happiness. And this IS happiness!

Stanley Island. Barton, bring the cheque book please.

Your parents probably told you when you were younger that they don’t care what you do, as long as you are happy. So if you don’t already have R27 million they would not be angry if you became a drug dealer in order to amass an amount of R27 million in your bank account. Happiness is something we all strive for and now YOU can have it.

Stanley Island happens to be the only privately owned island in South Africa. It’s 27,4 hectares HUGE which basically translates into 27,4 hectares of pure therapy. It’s like having a shrink all around you all the time.

Plus there is a 1km long(And 40m wide) grass airstrip which can accommodate aircraft with a weight of less than 5400kgs. So it won’t quite accomodate the Lear Jet but it will be fine. And most of the time you can just use your helicopter anyway.

Shooting out in the boat will also be a nice little way to travel.

You don’t quite understand how little things like this excite me. The mere thought of owning my own island in South Africa has my mind racing like it did when I got my matric results, and after a year of boozing and sitting in the sun, I miraculously passed. The thought of just telling people to come back to your island is also a novelty that will probably never wear off.

You would also need to employ an entire police force on the island though. The FUN POLICE! Police running around with water pistols filled with Jagermeister and Red Bull. Police just checking that everyone is totally abusing the situation of vast wealth and disgusting amounts of fun.

We could go on forever here though, but for the need to know on Stanley Island, then please click STANLEY ISLAND.

And also to motivate you to work harder, or become an entrepreneur, or to just start doing illegal things, click NECKER ISLAND to see what I dream of at night. For my entire life I have only had one dream. And it’s just of me sipping a Pina Colada on Necker Island while a midget fans me with a banana leaf and someone massages my feet. Vigorously.

For more on Necker Island click HERE.

Oh and also THERE.

Let me also just mention that you can rent Necker Island, which can accommodate 28 people, for the paltry sum of about $46000 a day. Spectacular!

Back to work then!

Sean Lloyd

Editor

In something that has people “up in arms” as some writers like to say, but I don’t, a garage in the exclusive Clifton area of Cape Town has sold for R2 million. This particular Clifton garage was found at the First Beach Terraces on Victoria Road.

Funny enough, Remax are marketing a 39 square metre studio on the first floor of the same building for R1,6 million. I did a quick search and I think it might be THIS ONE that is in the same building as the R2 million garage, but I’m not sure. I got up early this morning so do forgive my slowness.

Personally I don’t see the problem with paying R2 million for a Clifton garage as vulgar displays of wealth are sometimes entirely necessary in this world. It’s a way of telling people that you are not here to stuff around and that you will buy anything you want and that you will take over the world if you want. It’s the same when you go out and buy a bottle of whiskey for R50000. I think it’s cool and I’m letting you know that I’m OK with it.

Personally I think displays of wealth like this just make normal people work harder in the hope that one day they too can afford it. But for the very clever they will realise that you don’t necessarily need to work that hard for your money. You just need to be clever and you can work a few hours a week and spend the rest on Table Mountain, or Llandudno or wherever you want really.

It’s a brilliant way of living life. To show you what this garage costs in smaller terms, I worked out that it will cost you R111111 per square metre. Let’s call it an even R110 grand. I have conveniently measured out 1 square metre in my garden right now to show you what you can get for the bargain price of R110 grand. I have measured it in a universal currency, that of magazines, and you will notice 1 square metre is about the width of 5 magazines by the height of four magazines. It could be entirely wrong but I don’t think it is:

What a bargain!

That’s a pretty big piece of land right there and you can see why it would cost R110 grand in Clifton. To put it all in perspective, Clifton is so exclusive that you would have no problem in coming right even if you said to some belter “Why don’t you come to my Clifton garage?” I’m not joking, you would come right. If someone is willing to lend me their Clifton garage, I will try and prove my theory right. Actually I would not even need to prove it right because it’s so set in stone that everyone knows it’s true.

But still if you have a garage in Clifton then do let me know.

So as you can see there is no point making a big deal out of this whole R2 million garage because it’s not that much money. Considering the persons car is probably R2 million anyway, I don’t see anything wrong with it.

In fact it is this vulgar display of wealth that makes Cape Town so cool! It’s for this very reason that it is worthwhile buying a ticket for R2000 at the Equus Lounge at Cape Towns premier horse race, the J&B Met. R2000 is a pretty sweet deal at the Equus Lounge and and will have you laughing all the way home as people hound you and want YOU to take THEM home.

It’s pretty crazy the way people are throwing money around in Cape Town at the moment, but that only makes it easier to catch doesn’t it? Yes it does!

Now go out and get it.

Sean Lloyd

Editor