Floyd Landis: A sad individual

I was quite surprised that Lance has been implicated in doping again…I mean I thought we were over this a while ago. Floyd Landis has admitted to doping throughout his career and has said that Lance has also been opening a can of the Dopetizer.

Which to be honest, I don’t believe. As always! Maybe I want to believe.

I really do. Maybe I want to believe in good things in a world where we don’t believe anymore. Maybe for once I just want to think that someone did something without cheating. In a world where everyone is looking for an easy way to the top, maybe I want to believe that hard, honest work gets people to the top. I’ve always believed in cycling as the worlds greatest sport, and I wrote a piece nearly three years ago entitled “Tour De France — Why It’s Still The Greatest Race On Earth” (HERE)

Maybe for once I don’t want to question something, because there really is no question there. Maybe for once, all of us should believe. Like when we were kids, we just believed. We believed anything could happen. And the people who believe are still the worlds most successful people. No one got anywhere by not believing.

People age and stop believing and that’s why you must be like me…and be Peter Pan!

Lance has way too much to lose if he is caught doping. He is one of the most tested athletes in the world, and unless he is paying the people who make the systems that test the drugs, or working at the highest levels with the drug makers (While still training and running his Livestrong Foundation), then I really cannot believe that he has ever doped.

If you’re going to dope through 7 Tours De France and not get caught, well then you’re Houdini! I just really for once want to believe in something good and awesome, and Lance Armstrong has always been that belief. I’m sick of having to question everything in the world, I just want to believe in something just because it is amazing and good.

And for Floyd Landis to come out and say that Lance has used drugs is just a sign of a weak athlete, a loser who could never make it either due to his genetic make up or just because he was not willing to work as hard. At the level that those athletes are at, they all training as much as each other. It’s part genetics, part hard work and part science. Lance brought a new science to the sport. He perfected his equipment in wind tunnels, he trained in the snow, he trained while athletes like David Millar were our partying and drinking vodka. It’s that extra dedication that gives them those small extra percentages of advantage, and that’s what wins tours.

That’s what wins over fans across the world.

That’s what makes heroes.

That’s what makes Lance Armstrong.

And that’s what makes me believe.

And until we have mature (i.e not wanky ex drug abusing cyclists who initially lied about their drug use) people proving otherwise with absolute conclusive evidence, then I’ll remain a believer.

Because we need more of those in the world.

For Lances take on this, read THIS ARTICLE on Livestrong.com…handled nicely by Lance, loving it.

God you know, it’s so easy to get scammed these days! I really am easy to scam, especially when these bank scams come along. I am continually being caught out of millions! And it’s harder and harder to find out what a scam looks like, especially when they are as well constructed as this one (This is an actual e-mail I received):

Dear Beneficiary,

Good day my Brethren in the Lord ,how are you today together with your family? I hope all is well.
This is to inform you that your ATM CARD has been credited with your money and it is ready for use.You are required to provide the ATM department with your information such as

FULL NAME :
ADDRESS :
PHONE NUMBER :
OCCUPATION :

Please contact the ATM department on email { payment04@gmail.com } for the release of your ATM CARD. Congratulations onces again. Regards, Thanks and remain blessed in the Lord.
MR DELE MARTINS.
ATMCARD OFFICER

Hello! But honestly it’s so easy to fall for this, I’m surprised that they didn’t ask for my bank account number and how much money they’d like.

Jeez Louise I love stumbling upon things like these! We were in Hermanus two weekends ago and the weather was quite below par so we just chilled and braai’d and played pool and table tennis …and watched Takeshi’s Castle. I think it was Main O who introduced it to me, and it is simply the funniest thing I’ve seen in my life.

And one of the main reasons it’s funny is because of the Japanese people in it. God, it would never work with the poncy, upper class English, nor would it work with the faux-European Cape Town set. The Japanese are awesome, because they just do what is fun, without worrying about things like “Oh my GOD daaaaaling, I wonder what so and so will think if they see me on this stupid show?”

The contestants just go balls to the wall (Tits to the floor) and the injuries must be simply horrific! It’s essentially like an obstacle course game, but safety regulations are completely ignored in favour of fun and awesome.

There is one course where they run across stones on a pond, but the trick is that some are just floating fake stones, so okes are running across and suddenly a stone sinks, and I saw a guy do the splits (No doubt breaking his kugelsack) onto a solid stone. It’s SO cringe!

There is also a cool one where contestants have to walk up a hill while gigantic acorns are thrown down on them. I know it probably doesn’t sound thrilling, but trust me, everyone I know who has watched Takeshi’s Castle is completely addicted. It’s like DSTV’s own brand of heroin! Great, another addiction to add to your HIDEOUS cocaine addiction. Nicely played.

So if you have DSTV, then check it out on Animax. PVR it and you’ve got weeks and weeks of pure joy and entertainment!

So you may have heard this whole Anton Taylor story regarding UCT and Stellenbosch…it was published in the Varsity Newspaper Online. The original of that is HERE. This is the article:

At the time of writing this I, like many other UCT students, am doing my best to come to terms with the loss of the Ikeys in last Monday’s Varsity Cup Final. I would love to say that it is just a game of rugby, and that I don’t care about what happened, but sadly, I cannot. There are two reasons for this. Firstly, the game meant a lot to me, as it did to thousands of us, and I really, really wanted us to win. We had fought so hard and a loss was always going to be heartbreaking, especially when we came so close to taking the cup.

The second, and probably bigger, reason that our loss irks me so much is because of the way in which people seem to assign to the result of the game some measurement as to which university is better (and I use the word ‘university’ very lightly, in fact rather ironically, when referencing that torpid hell-hole of ‘academic’ squalor).

I generally seek to avoid mentioning such repulsive places in my writing, but I can no longer do so. We need to have the Stellenbosch talk. I have to clear things up, and you need to know this: UCT has always been, is, and always will be, superior to Stellenbosch. In all endeavours, including rugby, UCT wins.

I do not need to describe Stellenbosch to any of you that have been there. If you were there last Monday you would have experienced the hate, the bigotry and the absolute bloody barbarism of it’s inmates. You were probably pelted with cans as you walked out of the stadium and, if you walked in alone (as I once did), you would probably have been pushed into the fence or thrown to the ground by hordes of drunk, red-faced shouting dogs. If you were with a girl, a big gang of them might have come up to you and sworn at her, hoping you would retaliate so that they might beat you to a pulp.

Every time I’m in Stellenbosch I find myself waiting for somebody to run up to me and go, “It’s a joke! It’s a joke! This isn’t real!” When I hear ‘Die Stem’ blaring through residence windows, and guys in cars are driving past and calling us ‘k-lovers’, I keep waiting for somebody to tap me on the shoulder and go, “We really had you going there! You didn’t actually think that this could really happen in South Africa in 2010, did you?” Yet nobody ever does.

So let’s look at some hard facts, some of which you already know:

1. In the international rankings, Stellenbosch ranks hundreds of positions below UCT. Where exactly it falls is hard to tell, because the rankings generally stop after 500.

2. Stellenbosch is easier to get accepted into. Anybody who has applied to UCT knows that, and they also know how dubious and tired it becomes when some partially-retarded tool tells you, “I went to Stellies because it’s so much more fun than UCT.”

3. At Stellenbosch rugby is everything, however, at UCT our Sports Council is seemingly intent on crippling our rugby side. Our budget is no more than R350 000. Theirs is nearing R6 million. We are an academic institution playing against a sports academy. We are accountants and engineers playing against full-time rugby players with degrees in BA Finger-painting. So the fact that we so nearly beat them, and that we one day will beat them, is a disgrace and humiliation to the students of Stellenbosch. If you think about what we did with what we have, UCT wins.

When we lose it hurts, it chokes and for a while it sits on your shoulders, but that’s part of life. And part of being a UCT student is dealing with that pain, painting on some more blue, enduring their bigotry and beer cans, and continually supporting our boys, even during the wind-swept games without alcohol on the Green Mile. We do this because in our hearts we know that we are better. And if we can suffer, carry on and contest against rugby teams with far superior resources, can you imagine what will happen when we take that resolve and put it behind the best academic teachings on the continent? It’s actually unfair.

But perhaps we should let them take their victory in the final. Let them savour that fleeting happiness while it lasts. Let them keep their dumb, muck cheerleaders and their biased MC’s. Let them drink brandy and talk about how they beat the souties and the blacks. Because, deep down, beneath that bravado, beneath the red faces of the men, and the make-up caked veneers of the women (women, not ladies), as they choke on that stale, old air of the past, they know what the future holds. They know that soon enough they will be flung out of their all-white racist enclave into a country and world which has moved on without them and which has no place for them.

As the ill and old desperately cling on whilst feeling that cold dark death pulling them downwards, so too let these pitiful creatures frantically hold on to their dying way of life. For soon they will realise that their degrees don’t cut it overseas. Soon they will be serving the spoilt UCT first-years drinks. Soon they will be calling a black woman ‘boss’. And perhaps, in the midst of that great bleakness, it might make their pitiful existences a bit less depressing to think that they beat us in rugby a couple of times.

We are standing upon the mountain as the leaders and creators of the future South Africa, and world. We look down upon Stellenbosch as the drunken vagrants of tertiary education. We are harder to get in, we are stronger academically, we are more diverse, we are more peaceful, we are braver, we will be richer, and despite their desperate proclamations, our girls are much prettier.

UCT wins. UCT wins. UCT wins.

Anyway, Anton Taylor made a follow up video to have his say:

From my side, I know a hell of a lot of Stellenbosch students as well as a hell of a lot of UCT students. I’ve partied with them all. I’ve been to Stellenbosch for parties. Have I seen racism? No. Does it exist? Sure, let’s not be naive. But racism exists anywhere in the world, amongst all race groups. It’s such a minority and only people stuck waaaaaay in the past really think that colour matters. So to bang the whole of Stellenbosch into a ‘racist’ category is over the top. However, if the article was written to incite a response, then it’s worked. What he wanted the response for if that is the reason? I have no idea…

Then this group popped up on Facebook, “Stellenbosch, what it really stands for…” (Search that one), with this:

A fierce rivarly rages in the Cape between her two most prominent universities, UCT and Stellenbosch.

Scholars from both sides of the R304 turn-off have been deep in debate for years over which university is the sickest.

Finally the verdict is out and it has been discovered that UCT is infinitely better, but not because of the phenomenal difference in the quality of education or number of graduates, not because of the Clifton jols or the ability to watch Avatar in 3D, not even because of the clean(er) women… but because of the very acronoyms of the universities themselves.

STELLENBOSCH,

Souties – because most of you actually grew up in Cape Town and UCT wasn’t a problem until you couldn’t get into it.

Terrace / Toilet – you should be ashamed when the name of a club and the place you piss become synonymous with one another.

Educated – you can like to be, but aren’t.

Language – understanding what was said in the lectures really comes into play after university.

Location – no number of vineyards can make up for Cape Town’s world class beaches. And we have vineyards too.

English – the modern standard for verbal and written communication – everywhere else.

Night time – this is when we go to Stellenbosch, make a mess and go home. It is your home.

Boers – n. 1. A Dutch colonist or descendant of a Dutch colonist in South Africa. 2. a farmer

Old – is what you will be when you finally graduate. You will also be unique.

Sport – you deserve to be proud when you have to run down the clock against a relentless UCT side, despite playing at home with ten times the number of supporters and decades of Afrikaner women going at it with oxen on the platteland. No really, we’ll give you this one.

Chicks – You may have them now, but we will have them later and you will have cattle.

History – it likes us better.

S-T-E-L-L-E-N-B-O-S-C-H.

Disclaimer: this is a joke.

Well I think I’m going to sit back with a cigar and watch this unfold…something tells me it’s far from over.

What do you guys think, is Anton way out of line? Was he really joking, or is he just saying that now in the follow up video to try and cool things off a bit?

I may just be throwing in the name Anton Taylor because it’s being searched a lot. And you know, if we can prove we’re getting a lot of hits…well then we’ve arrived! Diverse topic coverage is the name of the game.

PROPERLY living the dream!

Three guys playing online poker and paying R51000 a month rent on their Cape Town beach house. Between the writer filing the story and the photo shoot ten days later, one of the players had banked over R2 million.

Crisis, it’s all happening!

Go get your issue, it’s out now.

Don’t you hate it when you leave some random apartment in the morning, you don’t know where you are, and you’re running down the street like a Goddamn rock star as a haze of cigarette smoke and whiskey fumes are left in your wake? Look at you man! You are excess personified. You’re a guitar breaking, hotel smashing, poon handling God of excess!

And it’s time your clothing stood up to those levels of abuse.

As it is apparently now winter, judging by the size of my main chap when I walked out naked to grab the paper this morning, you’ll need some decent boots (In winter it’s only 17″!)

And for this we rely on Caterpillar and Timberland.You see, you may not work in construction, but when the Gods are throwing water down on your hedonistic lifestyle, your feet don’t know any better. For all they know, you’re 300 feet underground mining for minerals.

For all they know, you’re commanding the high seas with a bottle of rum.

For all they know, your feet are getting pissed on by some demonic monster who’s been drinking Minotaur Slammers the whole night.

Anyway, I’m here to tell you where to get your boots today. Obviously if you’re a rock ‘n roll God of excess, the Timberland pricing structure of around R2000 for a set of boots is nothing. Timberland are winners outright for their waterproofing which makes them the obvious choice considering it’s raining.

I’m rolling in Cats at the moment because I bought them about 4 years ago and they just never wear out! And I hate buying new stuff when what I already have works…because I love the earth! I don’t buy a lot of things, but buy one good pair of everything. A good pair of jeans, a good jacket, a good set of boots and then I’m all ready to hammer winter in the face. With my disco stick.

DAS BOOT!

Jeans — Always go dark and straight cut. Wear marks on jeans need to be earned!

I used to worry about running through puddles because I hated having my feet soaked but in the Cats I try find puddles now, it’s amazing. Plus if any runny snot nosed kids get in my way — BANG. Out the way kid, I’m wearing earth moving equipment on my feet.

Now don’t go out and buy your Cat boots at a shopping mall, buy them at Footgear in Access Park (Kenilworth — Hosh ja!) The sales there are amazing and you may think it’s plebville, but it’s actually radville. The shoes are sometimes so cheap that you cannot not buy them. I paid R700 for a kick ass pair of 100% leather Cat work boots. That’s cheaper than a set of Nike Hi-Tops. And Hi-Tops won’t stop a storm.

Click here for a map to your nearest Footgear store.

Go get them, they are number one on the SLXS list of winter essentials.

(Because I’m deeper than a shallow pond, from time to time I offer insight on the stuff that really matters in life. This is one of those rare pieces!)

And I’m not talking about sex constantly happening, but rather pointing to the fact that is is the only thing that always works when trying to promote or sell things. It’s easy and takes a lot of the guess work out of trying to figure out whether a campaign will work or not.

We see it all the time, hot promotion girls selling products at nightclubs, promotion girls for Red Bull, on golf courses…in fact anywhere where men might go. It’s easy to think up (Put minimal clothing on hot girls for maximum exposure)

The Finger clothing brand in Cape Town know this all too well, and at any event where they are, they have by far the hottest girls wearing their kit. With guys, advertising is easy, throw the products amongst some models and they’ll buy it or at least give it more than a glance. Check this out from Pro-X this year:

Promoting knee braces…ha ha ha SUBTLE use of sex sells there. But do they protect from carpet burn?

And because I have many hours spare to contemplate life, solve the worlds financial crisis, dispense priceless advice to those in need, I have time to watch TV. And all the TV shows have one thing in common: One absolute belter of a presenter amongst a team of guys!

But it works and it just goes to show that guys are easy to please. Give us a TV show of guys making cars look awesome, scams that really happen and things getting blown up and we’re happy. We don’t need to be sipping on a ‘Flaming Boner’ or an ‘Adonis’ Orgasm’ or whatever it is that chicks drink while eating some cranberry reduction Peking duck with a crisp caramel-almond shell.

We’re very easy to maintain!

I don’t want to push this too far, but I’m sure the planet digs us more because we’re not constantly buying ‘stuff’ We have one pair of winter shoes, one jacket, one pair of jeans and this has got to add up to some sort of environmental saving right there. Granted we do like driving cars and flying planes and burning car tyres, but you know, if we work it all out guys are surely more environmentally friendly.

But that’s not the point of this, is it?

The point of this is just an observation of how awesome it is to be a guy, because we make other peoples jobs easily, namely marketing and advertising people. Throw in some hot chicks and well done buddy, your entire campaign is sorted!

For instance, blonde belters need to be used for drunk driving campaigns…wait…no we’re getting confused here. We’ll totally miss the point of the campaign.

If we look at Overhaulin’ with Chip Foose, we have A.J:

I don’t recall your name but I recall you once wearing a…Fez?

In Mythbusters we have Kari, while not belting, you do kind of take a liking to her. I liken it to when you go onholiday and you’re staying with girls who you wouldn’t normally hook up with, but after 10 days in a house together in some place far from home, you’re like “Well, she’s a bit of alright!” Yeah…you guys know EXACTLY what I’m talking about! (You dirty dogs!)

Viewings should drop know that she is pregnant (Not mine)

Then in The Real Hustle we have Jessica Jane Clement, who borders on NSFW every day of her life! I’m pretty sure she doesn’t own many clothes, just whips and strawberry lube.

Promoting Lynx body spray etc…I mean have you ever seen them trying to punish the sex sells angle like this?!

And that’s it really, for a successful TV show or campaign, just add sex. Whether your original message gets across or not, guys will support your brand as long as you keep giving them the good stuff.

We’re easy like that.

It’s weird that I saw this ‘Be My Playmate’ link from Luna Nights over at Twitter, because I had just been chatting to Joshy about strip clubs and why they are not ideal if you’re single! Because you go there, see all these naked woman, and then have to go home by yourself, I mean, it’s pretty stupid!

And this brought up another point, that if you have a girlfriend and you go to strip clubs, she should not kak you out for it. She should be happy! Honestly if your girlfriend gives you grief for going to strip clubs, tell her I said it’s fine.

Because damn…if you go to a strip club, your girlfriend is going to have the best night of her life! She is probably worried that you think the strippers are hotter, and well, sometimes they are. But with anything in life, there is always something better. There are better looking girls than your girlfriend, and there are better looking guys than you. And even if you have a Ferrari, well big deal, some guy has a yacht. And if you have a yacht, someone has a private jet. You can never win, so tell your girlfriend to chill out and let you go to strip clubs.

But they are really stupid if you’re single because you leave with a massive hard on, and what can you do? Get a KY sponsorship? Compete in the worlds strongest hand competition? Work on an oil rig?

Anyway missing the point, the Playboy Bunny search in Cape Town is in 2 DAYS OH MY GOD! And it’s at Vaudeville. Are we booking our tickets? Of course! Here are the details:

The Playboy International bunny search is coming to South Africa!

Stand a chance to be part of the of the glamorous and exciting world of Playboy by entering one of the Playboy bunny searches in 5 major South African cities .

Winners from each city will compete for the opportunity to represent South Africa in the international bunny search being hosted on one night in 50 different cities worldwide.

Bunny searches will be held in Cape Town, Port Elizabeth, Durban, Johannesburg and Pretoria leading up to the exclusive global event held in Cape Town.

On 10 June 2010, leading Cape Town hotspot Vaudeville will open its doors as a Playboy club and host the celebration of the 50th anniversary of the world famous Playboy club founded by Hugh Hefner.

The celebration will include the crowning of South Africa’s Playboy Club Bunny who will be featured on the international Playboy Club 50th Anniversary website and compete for the coveted prize of being chosen by Hugh Hefner himself to be featured as a Playmate in Playboy Magazine.

Good grief!

Let us not waste a moments more time, buy your tickets HERE.

Click here for the Playmate website for probably more details.

I know…

Check, check, check this out!

In its continued efforts to promote Responsible Drinking, brandhouse is launching a one-of-its-kind guerilla advertising campaign as part of its Drive Dry initiative aimed at challenging the blasé attitude many consumers have towards drinking and driving.
This hard-hitting campaign will feature cars placed inside giant evidence bags in parking bays outside popular nightspots. The crimes and victims’ names appearing on the evidence bags will serve as a dramatic warning to partygoers, that drunk driving can turn your car into a murder weapon.
Drive Dry was launched three years ago and is an honest approach to evoking strong emotional responses from consumers by personalising the issue of drunk driving. It forms part of brandhouse’s ongoing efforts to inform and raise consumer awareness about the potentially devastating effects of driving while under the influence of alcohol.

brandhouse also partners with the RTMC(Road Traffic Management Corporation) in the Number One Taxi Driver initiative to educate taxi drivers on road safety and passenger safety when transporting large numbers of commuters.

Drive Dry was a direct result of focus groups across South Africa which revealed that consumers do not believe alcohol-related accidents will happen to them.  The research also showed drunk driving is considered ‘socially acceptable’ behavior and that consumers underestimate how devastating the consequences of irresponsible drinking can be.

Phumza Rengqe, Corporate Social and Responsibility Manager, says, “Drive Dry has been a very impactful initiative – research conducted last year showed that the campaign has been responsible for changing the attitudes of many people towards drunk driving “There are too many responsible drinking messages out there that consumers find easy to ignore and this alternative media idea will get people talking and help change the perceptions of those who don’t take responsible drinking seriously.”
“We commend brandhouse for creating a hard-hitting campaign that discourages South Africans from drinking irresponsible.  The Dry Drive campaign visually demonstrates, in a vivid manner, the potential consequences of driving while under the influence of alcohol.  The responsibility shown by brandhouse towards upholding and supporting our mandate is a good example of government and the private sector working together to achieve a common goal.  Road safety is everybody’s responsibility. A road crash is always someone’s fault – don’t let it be yours,” says Muthuhadini Madzivhandila, Executive Manager of Road Safety Communication and Education at the RTMC.

Two of the ten locations for the evidence bags on the night of May the 7th in Cape Town are:
La Med club in Camps Bay
Harrington Street parking

Two of the ten locations for the evidence bags on the night of May the 8th in Johannesburg are:

George Lea Park, cnr William Nicol and Sandton Drive
Purple Turtle, 4th Ave Main Road Mellville

Two of the five locations for the evidence bags on the night of May the 8th in Durban are:
Europa Café, Chartwell Drive Umhlanga Rocks
Outside Spiga Da Ora, Florida Road

Seriously though, driving drunk is never acceptable and it’s something that the cops have worked hard on here in South Africa, and people are now too scared to drive drunk. Not because of accidents, but because of going to jail. But if you do happen to want to crash your car, do it in excess like this hero:

NICE!

To be honest, if Brandhouse were on the ball, they’d be setting this bad boy up not near Chevelle or Assembly, but at the Paul Oakenfold jol tonight.

Wait…mdma probably won’t show in a breathalyzer test anyway.

Ok no worries then, nice set up guys.

(Thanks Carrie)

UPDATE: The first evidence bag is up at Green Point BP:

Great campaign!
Wait…is this a WORLD EXCLUSIVE? Claiming that!

Because my favourite thing in the world is shmoozing and hobnobbing with the elite of society, I was quite happy at the 36 Boutiques Launch. Because we all know that the easiest way to become ‘famous’ is to hang out in those circles. So there we have it…famous by association!

The Ben Sherman kit…sick! Skinny fit, I love it

She’s looking at YOU

4 months beard growth, MAD! (Told you I could grow a beard, mom)

The superglue trick, gets me everytime

On a more serious note, how awesome is it when a professional photographer takes your photo? Skin looks amazing and no one looks deathly pale! I mean I’m far from tanned at the moment but with a normal point and shoot flash, I’d look like Edward from Twilight (Except not good looking and without the money and the fans)

I mean, in summer I’m more tanned, and I don’t pose like that guy! Well…almost…

God we’ve come a long way since the fat days.

Insanity!

And thanks to the ladies for the invite, I was well behaved, so maybe I’ll get more invites. Woop woop!

Jack Parow’s new video featuring Francois Van Coke has just burnt up the internet, and it’s sick! All out in the desert and stuff…

Hosh ja dik uitgeskollie!

How are those braai tongs in the pant? Ha ha mad!

“Drink tot jy dronk is, drink tot jy kotz”

Stellenbosch unite!

Check out Parow’s campsite on the internet over HERE.

So you’re wanting to start up a blog in South Africa, and make it to the top? Well that’s easy with my foolproof guide! Here we go minions:

1) As soon as you start your blog, make a list of something maybe praising the top bloggers. They will link to this post because they love to sit high and mighty, knowing that you won’t be as popular as them and you won’t steal your readers, because you only have one post.

Make a list saying that they are ‘SA’s Top Bloggers’ or ‘SA’s Best Looking Bloggers’ and they’ll be all over you like a cheap suit packing coke. Bloggers are attention sluts. They know this. I know it. Love it.

2) Message them on Twitter saying something good. They’ll retweet your message right away. By God NEVER Tweet them if you’re an established blogger, they won’t reply, because they’re too cool for school.

3) Put them in your blogroll. They’ll add you to their list of about 1.2 million blogroll links, knowing that no one ever looks at those links anyway.

4) Let them basically take your articles from the previous day and rewrite them in their own words. Don’t say anything. Of course they didn’t steal your idea. They are content machines and they just happen to constantly publish articles like yours the day after you do. It’s a coincidence. Drink it off with a nice bottle of whiskey big guy.

5)  Claim World Exclusives on things. If you’re the only one in the world writing about it, it’s a World Exclusive, even if everyone else is talking about it. If you’re the first to write it on your blog, it’s yours big guy. “Sean shaves his balls today” BOOM. World Exclusive.

6) Publish 10 articles a day. The more the better. If there is constantly stuff on your site, you’re killing it BRU.

UPDATE:

7) Throw temper tantrums. The line “Do you know who the f*&k I am?!” was basically invented for bloggers. If you are denied access to an event, or a place, or a bar or a restaurant, in fact if you are denied access to anything you have the full right to demand an explanation RIGHT AWAY. Your message needs to make it’s way to top management and shareholders of that establishment just so that they know how famous you are and how Goddamn important you are to society. You’re basically like a medic, or an organ donor, or an international patron of peace and by God you need to be allowed access to all areas because you are doing goodwill work. If you are denied access you are full well entitled to rant about it, and your readers will follow you like sheep and agree with you, because you are GOD. Your readers will listen to anything you say, even when you start advertising vented condoms. No one is actually allowed to question you otherwise they will go to hell. You must reply to all the comments until they get nasty, then you have the full right to get childish about things.

If anyone questions you, they are wrong and they will go to hell. Only bloggers go to heaven. A heaven where they are praised constantly for how awesome they are.

And that’s it really, now up and at ‘em tiger! Go take over the blog world.

So the big news today in the local music industry today is this:

South African chart topping duo, Locnville, have signed a worldwide deal with Sony Music International. Locnville’s debut single & album, both entitled ‘Sun In My Pocket’, will be released around the world on Sony’s Jive Records imprint over the coming months, except in the United Kingdom where it will be released on Sony’s Epic Records imprint.

Awesome news for the guys! Let’s end it off with the one that seemed to start it all:

Well done guys, looking forward to the new tracks over the coming months.

I loved this in the new FHM:

A little Irish boy is sitting outside his house crying, when a passing neighbour sees him and asks, “Seamus, what’s wrong?”

“Tis a terrible t’ing,” replies Seamus. “Me mam’s dying.”

“Oh that’s awful,” the neighbour exclaims. “Would you like me to fetch the priest?”

“No, t’anks,” says Seamus. “I’m not really in the mood for sex…”

Ha ha ha LAG!

Catch FHM  South Africa online by clicking HERE.

So we rocked up to Hermanus this weekend for a bit of doing nothing really, a weekend of basically shooting the breeze, braaing, playing the clown, trail running, watching Takeshi’s Castle and The Most Amazing Show until ridiculous hours of the morning.

Sick Dodge parked in Her*anus

Happy days!

Doing coke on the open road

Well that is when you need to stop eating my angel pie

Hermanus has changed a lot and is now basically like any normal city with everything in it. When you have a Woolworths, you’re there! So it’s lost that intimate atmosphere that it had when I was a kid, but it’s still awesome. It’s beautiful and you simply have to visit the antique store because you will lose your minds. War memorabilia, pilots jackets used in World War 2, record players, it has everything.

We all need some Hermanus in our lives! I never, ever want to really grow up and act like adults do, not laughing and being all serious. There is a Peter Pan in all of us! Which is why, at 25, I still play on swings!

I wanna be young the rest of my life
never say no – try anything twice
til the angels come and ask me to fly
I’m gonna be 18 til I die – 18 til I die

can’t live forever that’s wishful thinkin’
who ever said that must of bin’ drinkin’
don’t wanna grow up I don’t see why
I couldn’t care less if time flies by

18 til I die – gonna be 18 til I die
it sure feels good to be alive
someday I’ll be 18 goin’ on 55! – 18 til I die

anyway – I just wanna say
why bother with what happened yesterday
it’s not my style I live for the minute
if ya wanna stay young get both feet in it – 18 til I die

a ‘lil bit of this – a ‘lil bit of that
‘lil bit of everything – gotta get on track
it’s not how ya look, it’s what ya feel inside
I don’t care when – I don’t need ta know why

18 til I die – gonna be 18 til I die
ya it sure feels good to be alive
someday I’ll be 18 goin’ on 55! – 18 til I die
ya there’s one thing for sure – I’m sure gonna try

don’t worry ’bout the future – forget about the past
gonna have a ball – ya we’re gonna have a blast
gonna make it last – 18 til I die

The soundtrack to my life.

Ladies and gentleman, that is all.

*Thanks to everyone for making the weekend AWESOME! X