St Yves Thursday Parties: First Looks

Kids these days can’t tell me anything.

“Invictus was amazing hey, have you seen it?”

“Hey, you listen here you little PUNK. Let me tell YOU a story you snot gobbler! Uncle Sean was alive during those times. I don’t need to see the film, I was there. I was like 10, but I was there and I was drinking beer and eating biltong because at 10 I was a man. I was a man who killed my own supper. I fried that shit up, hot and nasty! I saw Joel drop kick that little bitch”

Actually, an interesting little side note here, I used to live next to Joel Stransky. No jokes! I used to chill with them all the time. He lived in Rondebosch, in ‘Sangrove Close’ Yeah so during his heavy glory days I would just go there and grab a rugby ball and kick it around. We were tight like that. You won’t believe how small the houses there were, but it was awesome. I basically lived in my bathroom it was so small, but that’s what happened.

To those of you near Sangrove during my seedy youth, you will also recall that the forest caught alight one night (The foresty section by Marsh Memorial Home) Yip, that was me! And it was a sparkler that caused the fire.

Yeah so anyway, kids can’t tell me anything.

“Oh have you ever been to St Yves?”

“Listen here you FOOL, I’ll tell you a story about St Yves! St Yves used to be Ignite. I was basically Ignite royalty, myself and Charlie V and The Rog used to kill Ignite. If you came in there wanting to pull chicks, there was no chance because the HMS Lady Slayer that we cruised in on would have already taken everyone. So don’t even ask me if I know about St Yves. Of course I know about it. I’ll tell you something else, I knew Green Man (Oddly enough, Joels old place), the original Tin Roof. In fact, I knew it when it was still next to Boardmans in Claremont.”

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But anyway, to say I know St Yves was a bit of an overstatement because I had never been to it since it had been refurbished. But to honour my old tradition of owning the place, I thought it pertinent that we go in with a bang, and leave with a bang. If we went in to St Yves on my first night back there, and didn’t come right, it would not set the tone for a good, solid relationship for the most beautiful club in Cape Town.

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The St Yves crowd…chilling!

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Inside: Packed, nice!

So myself, G-Bizzle and Matty G pulled in. It’s quite hectic, I mean the age is 25 which thankfully I now represent, and the cover charge is like R80 or R100 which thankfully I don’t pay.

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My wingmen making a clear path for me

The cool thing at St Yves is that you only need to concentrate on looks and personality (If you’re a stickler) because it goes without saying that everyone is wealthy. It’s just how it is.

My only problems on the night was some of the DJ’ing. Songs were being mixed into each other with the grace of a gunshot through razor wire. I honestly could not believe what my ears were listening to. Also, the sound distortion was quite hectic at times which I’m sure they can fix quite easily.

On the girls front, yeah it’s good! I actually won the prize for first place, and my prize was a lucky packet from Spar. Because that’s how celebs roll! Well, E-Grade celebs. That’s basically us. But we’re E-Grade ass kicking celebs.

There were some people giving me funny looks on the night, this one blonde girl looked at me, and stared as she walked past. At first I naturally, because of my HUGE ego, thought “Oh she totally wants me”

Then I realized she was probably thinking “Ag there’s that tool who runs that stupid website, ah vomit on my  Louboutin’s”

Well thank you, but vomiting is a great way to lose pounds for a show.

The place is clean and as some of the old guard will know, I’m old school Tiger crowd. Tiger is pretty dirty so going on to St Yves was like upgrading your girlfriend from a Mathlete to a supermodel. It’s friggin’ amazing! And it gives you a happy feeling in your pants.

Our conversation on the night was the usual superficial stuff, because as many of you know, we’re ego driven E-Grade celebs who thrive on judging people. Are they rich, good looking and thin? Yes? Well then they’re cool with us and we won’t judge them.

Oh don’t look at me like that!

Like you don’t judge people!

No but seriously we’re not that superficial. Maybe.

On weekends. When there is a full moon. Then we’re not superficial.

As per usual there were the dance floor players, the okes who are so dead set on hooking up with a particular girl that as soon as you are in the vicinity of said girl, they get in the way. And in their head they’re thinking

“Hey bru, are you checking out my broad?”

But because all they do is go to gym, their personality resembles a bergie vomiting, their intelligence allows them to count to potatoe, and their conversation is peppered with words like china, bru, oke, HGH, protein, pumps, glutamine, gym and the like.

On the other hand, my conversation is all just a lot of awesome. I don’t even try impress people. I just let the general aura surrounding me do the work. And it’s true, if you put out a good, awesome, happy vibe then that’s what you’ll get back.

To go into a club with a gym mentality is only going to attract a whole lot of other okes wanting a fight. If you put out a chilled vibe, you’ll just attract awesome people. Oh and also wear a unisex fragrance.

Chicks dig it!

It’s so mad, wearing D&G La Roue De La Fortune is basically illegal. But amazing.

I was quite tired from work that day, so I decided to just kap a dos on the couch. I mean the place is ridiculous!

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The Swear James Dean shoes…sick!

There is a dude cooking boerie rolls on two massive gas braai’s.

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I didn’t have one but if it’s St Yves I can reassure you that it’s not like the boerie chick outside Tinners or outside Springboks. These are not made from cats, dogs and snakes. Rad!

I don’t walk into clubs that often where I’m at a loss for words, but I was at St Yves. It’s just so classy, so awesome and so different. I mean, your view is of a beach and palm trees so it feels like you’re not even in a city.

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It hands down kills any other club in Cape Town. While I realise the atmosphere of clubs is all set for different crowds, it’s still amazing at St Yves. I’ll still do Assembly because it’s a totally different crowd and feel they’re going for, but if you want extravagance then St Yves seem to get it right.

They just need to fix the sound and the DJ murdering the mixes, and we’ll be rolling!

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