When the news came out (Which turned out to be a hoax) that some deaf guy had won the lottery, people were saying how awesome the story was, and how there is still some good in the world and all the rest of it. And yeah the story was cute, but in the end it was also fake.

What I really want to see is someone who will put that money to excessive use. Like me, for instance. Let’s look at what I would do with some of the R91 million:

Grab An Addiction

I would SO get a cocaine addiction! Better yet, I’d buy some of the police force, and have them deliver my cocaine right to my door step. We’d probably do lines together while my lingerie models tan around the pool.

“Your order sir…”

Keep Cash ‘In The Attic’ So To Speak

I’d always have a few notes handy to blow my nose with, or to wallpaper the new entertainment room, or to light the braai with, or just to use as drinks coasters. Or just to sleep on. It will also help in paying for drugs on demand, and those quick trips to Vegas, where stopping at the bank is inconvenient.

Reinvent Plett Rage

Plett rage doesn’t really have anything wrong with it I guess so there is no particular need to fix it. It’s the same every year — full of sexing and boozing, but we would totally redefine Plett Rage when I buy Stanley Island in Plett, and host the entire Plett Rage on the island. Imagine the branding opportunities of having all of our drunken youth in one place. You could sell all sorts of things to them.

The new home of Plett Rage

Make Bad Decisions

In general, I would just make really bad decisions with the money, but never to the extent that I’d be completely broke. I would probably be the most awesome person alive if I won R91 million and it would be something that would entertain the public so I would be doing them a comedic service.

Which is why I should have won.

None of this “Oh my life won’t change much, I’m going to keep on keeping on”. I would be clinically insane after two years from pumping too much rad into my body.

I would literally have parties at my mansion where I would arrive by helicopter, then set fire to the chopper after we are all out of it, before entering pool side for our ‘Enter The Horatio: Lingerie Party’

That’s the type of world I envision when I win.

You see that, not if I win, when I win.