I’m pretty excited about staying on land for the 2010 World Cup for the Cape Town games, but I must be honest, I do see the appeal in staying on a cruise liner! There are romantic undertones to it that will have guys/girls absolutely falling all over themselves to join you on your boat. For me, the appeal surely lies in the hilarity of people phoning you.

“Hey dude where you at?”

“I’m on a boat motherf&$#er! I got my flippie floppies!”

Can you imaging how ridiculous things would get? I’m pretty sure this boat must have a clause in the contract saying “Clothing Optional” because this would be the only way to spend your time on a boat, in a continual state of nakedness. The crew will no doubt go a bit mental, being stuck here for an entire month while the pleasure seekers have monumental amounts of sex, and they’re stuck in the hull with their crew member ‘Juan’. Shame, the poor buggers.

Anyway, One Ocean Club are offering you the opportunity to stay on a boat during the 2010 World Cup which is simply amazing.

Luckily for me my parents don’t read this website and I can FINALLY tell the story of those 6 Egyptian circus midgets on that boat in Plett in 2003! I honestly was about to bake a cake until I realised…wait that’s not baking flour. That’s Columbian coffee creamer. Ok we won’t quite get into the story for now (Because maybe it’s really a figment of a twisted imagination)…we lost a lot of good men that holiday. And the ones we didn’t lose immediately…well let’s just say some things stay in Plett, others come back.

Actually that’s not my story, but the way kids are going, it could VERY WELL be a true story from Plett rage 2009. I’ve heard it was philthy. If you’re reading this and have a kid who went to Plett all I’m saying is good luck. No jokes I’m sure they were like any other matric rage people, drinking tea and not touching each other in naughty places. As they do.

So where was I before Bernie hijacked my thoughts there?

Yeah, you can stay on a boat during the 2010 World Cup with One Ocean Club.

Look, I’ll be the first to admit that their website is a nightmare. I HATE website that are trying to be fancy, and are hard to navigate. One Ocean Club have created a nightmare of sorts, the site is slow, there is music playing which might slow it down more, I don’t know I’m not a ‘web geek’

So it’s a terrible website which I hope is not a glimpse of what the ship will be like. But after some searching I found out the two boats that they will be using, and they seem decent. And by decent I mean so damn amazing, how could you love a baby this much? I found it easier to find information NOT on the One Ocean Club website, so grabbed this courtesy of Easier Travel:

Operating as a full-service hospitality partner during the 2010 FIFA World Cup South Africa, One Ocean Club is offering 4,600 additional beds for World Cup guests on two of the world´s largest cruise liners. This service will be supplemented by a full-scale premium hospitality programme drawn up in close co-operation with its South African partners and local authorities.

From the start of the World Cup on 11 June, the two luxury cruise liners MS Westerdam and MS Noordam, chartered by One Ocean Club from Holland America Line (HAL), will be lying at anchor in the harbours of Port Elizabeth, Durban and Cape Town and offering approximately 4,600 extra beds, along with top-quality five-star service.

To realise this, One Ocean Club staff have been in South Africa for three years, exchanging information with the authorities and establishing a sound basis for close co-operation with local companies. As a result, around 80 percent of the food used on board over the four-week period in June 2010 is to be supplied by local partners. Regional cultural events, excursions organised in partnership with South African operators and numerous other co-operation projects round off the programme.

In addition to its top-class hospitality offerings, One Ocean Club guarantees guests the highest level of safety during their entire stay on board and the best possible on-shore escorts. A high-quality security concept, including controls in the harbours and on the ships, as well as shuttle services between the airports, ships and stadiums, will provide visitors with round-the-clock protection. An on-board hospital offering a 24-hour stand-by service and arrangements with local hospitals will ensure prompt medical attention in emergencies.

Werner von Moltke, initiator of One Ocean Club, said: “The One Ocean Club offering is a high-class addition to the services provided by local hotels and tour operators during the World Cup. To this end, we are working closely with the South African authorities and numerous local partners. Our aim is to forge links between our guests and the host country, allowing them to experience South Africa both on board and ashore. In this way, we hope to make an active contribution by supporting South Africa as a successful World Cup venue.”

So as you see I had to go to another website to find out which ships were being used. Nice one guys.

Please enjoy this from the website of the ms Westerdam:

The ms Westerdam is the third in Holland America Line’s series of Vista-class ships. As such, she embraces the latest industry and environmental technologies such as her use of a diesel-electric power plant for optimal energy efficiency and an Azipod propulsion system. Most of her staterooms have ocean views and many have private verandahs.

The theme of ms Westerdam’s art collection is Dutch heritage in the New World. Art ranges from paintings of historic Dutch ships, such as Henry Hudson’s Half Moon, to a huge Indian silver-overlaid wood palace doorway, a bone tobacco pipe carved in the shape of a woman’s head to a collection of 5,000-year-old pre-Columbian carved limestone figures from Ecuador. Contemporary pieces include an original Andy Warhol portrait and signature sculptures by Sedona artist Susanna Holt.

Guests on the ms Westerdam will be able to “show and tell” their vacation memories through the Digital Workshop powered by Windows. Free workshops led by Microsoft-trained “techsperts” will show even the most novice camera or computer user how to take better vacation photos, make movies, edit pictures and create scrapbooks using a variety of Microsoft Windows and Windows Live services. Guests will learn how to share all their digital memories through email, blogging and social networking — so friends and family can see where they’ve been cruising even before they return home.

Pretty crazy if you ask me!

“But Sean but Sean?!”

“Yes my young squire?”

“What…what…what does she look like?”

“Ah my young lad, she looks shaggable!”

“Have you got a photo Sean?”

“Yes me lad, just don’t tell your folks I let you look at ship porn. You may be too young”

Ladies and gentleman, the ms WesterDAMN!

Then there is the ms Noordam, with this:

Launched in 2006, the ms Noordam is the newest member of our renowned Vista-class ships. Named for the Northern compass point, she embraces the latest industry and environmental technologies such as her use of a diesel-electric power plant for optimal energy efficiency and an Azipod propulsion system that maximizes maneuverability.

On board ms Noordam you will discover museum-quality paintings such as an oil painting of the city of Utrecht painted in 1842, as well as contemporary art like the series of photographs of music greats Dizzy Gillespie and BB King. One of the most valuable pieces of furniture on board the ship is a remarkable inlaid chest flanked by carved wooden 17th-century Baroque columns. Made in Germany in 1885, the chest is inlaid with ebony and precious stones. Enjoy an onboard IPod self-guided tour of the complete ms Noordam art collection. The ms Noordam exemplifies the classic style of ocean travel with contemporary amenities and modern enhancements.

The ambiance of the elegant ms Noordam will provide a comfortable, spacious and relaxing backdrop as you sail the sunny Caribbean or romantic Europe in 2009 – 2010.

Aaaaah…beautiful! A little photo I took:

They actually both look the same, but to get a true sensation of the sexual feeling they will give you, I’m going to drop two links here to their actual pages inside the internet. From there you can go on virtual tours and really get more acquainted with the space in which you will be pleasuring your lady/man friend. See the below links:

• ms Westerdam

• ms Noordam

And that ladies and gentleman is all for now.

Click here for the One Ocean Club website.