I’ve never claimed to be clever, not even to impress a girl who is more intelligent than me. Well, whether girls like intelligence, or money, or a bit of a big…well I’ll never know. You need to have all of those things I guess, to be a good judge.

I dropped accounting and science as soon as I could in high school, because I knew if I carried on with them, I’d end up failing high school. I would have dropped maths as well, but apparently you need it for every job in the world (Kids, if you’re at Master Maths, don’t listen to them! You don’t need maths to be awesome) So I carried on with it to make the folks happy, as well as to give my maths teacher some sort of evil amusement at continually seeing the lowest marks in the world. Between my teachers and Master Maths, they said I would pass. I got 31% for SG maths in matric. FAIL. EPIC FAIL in fact.

So I’m not a clever guy, but I don’t let it get me down too much, because when I see the shit that clever people do…I could quite easily go mental.

There was something a few weeks back about NASA sending something crashing into the moon to blast a hole, in order to find if there are traces of water on the moon. Now why on earth would we want to do this? I mean, come now, let’s lay off the crack. Even if we were to find traces of water on the moon, it would be a touch difficult to actually live there.

In fact I’d rather be a one legged crack whore living in a trash can than being a fully able sober and sane person on the moon. I mean, there would be bugger all to do on the moon. “Oh cock…” you’d moan, “…left the toothpaste at home, let me just nip back 10 BILLION MILES back home to grab some”

Also, it’s all very well finding microscopic traces of water on the moon, but when you’re blowing a crater in the moon to find this, it’ll be bloody hard to grab a glass of water on the moon, won’t it? Unless of course if you drill into the moon, you can pump Coke, or Pepsi. Or cane. Or vodka. Or gin.

And it’s difficult enough to hook up some sexy times action on earth, now what are we expecting on the moon?

“Yeah babe let me just grab a condom. Damn, forgot it those at home, see you in three years…”

“No worries honey, I’ll just wait here! Nowhere to go…no one else to shag Mr Austin Powers”

I know Al Gore is not happy with us and they predict hell for the future, but the fact is, even if things get really bad on earth, we’ll still have things like drugs, gambling and easy scores in Claremont night clubs. Fire can be raining down outside, but what’s to worry about when you’re tripping balls in an air conditioned Vegas casino? Or pulling a straggler at Tinners at 4am, with the cops busting down the door?

At least when the earth is raining fire, you can still step outside and not get hit by fire. On the moon, you step outside and you’re sure to float away. Have you ever wondered how big the universe is? Like, where does it stop? If you carry on going, how far can you go? How can it never end? And even if it hit a brick wall, what’s beyond that wall? I am still perplexed that the universe never ends. What is beyond? Now this is fine, because as soon as I start thinking these thought I know I have gone too far with my thinking, and I simply take a walk outside, read some useless celeb gossip and message some girlfriends to see if they have broken up with their ‘boyfriends’ yet. But imagine you’re on the moon, you’ve cocked up the oxygen ratio in your suit and you start to feel a little high, so you step outside the ‘house’ and…whoopsie daisies! You’ve floated away!

Now you are surrounded by nothingness, ALL THE TIME. Instead of just thinking about it, you’re living it. Imagine how that would mess the mind up?! I’d go totally insane! Which is why every person wanting to stay on the moon should carry an emergency sheet of acid, for an emergency lethal overdose should they float away.

So nerds are all very good at inventing cool things like rockets, and moon stuff, but they really don’t think about things that well. They invent something on the internet, and then think “Well that was a bit of a balls up” and then try improve on it. Microsoft have been trying to fix mistakes for years. Blogging came along and it was cool, then Facebook popped in, awesome times…then nerds tried to make it better by making Twitter. Then Tumblr. Crisis, do we really need “micro blogging”? What is micro blogging? Isn’t there too much information now? We should all keep our eye on the ball and try stick with something. I don’t have a clue what micro blogging really is, but I do know that I hate Twitter for the most part!

This Latin lothario lover caused this:

The internet is hard enough to navigate what with all the rubbish on it, now we literally have average people “Twitpiccing” photos of what they are about to eat, drink and shag. So this is all meant to make the world better, but I think it’s clear to see a trend where as the popularity and ease of access of web based activities rises, so does the earths temperature rise. All the information on the internet needs to be stored on servers, and these use energy which most likely comes from bad sources like coal and all that.

My estimate is that half the worlds servers are storing a lot of rubbish! Every self involved rater goes to Tiger on a Thursday, get’s phuza’d (This is all fine), and then decides that their frineds need to see how drunk and awesome they were the next day. So they post the photos on Facebook, and every week the photos are the same. Group of girls posing, in the same places, at the same club, with the same people and the same drinks, and yet every week they upload a new album usually with stupid code name like “Eat your heart out DAAAAAVE!” usually referring to the last boyfriend, who they are convinced is missing out on their awesome life. Don’t worry Dave, you’re not missing out on much! Other classic names for these albums are:

Movie lines “The clown has NO penis!”
Rhyming “Getting loose with Grey Goose” (No spice, this happens…join Facebook and see)
Song names “I kissed a girl and I liked it”

There really is so much rubbish to write on and I don’t have all year, but more importantly, the original plot of this story has been lost. Let’s try get out of this uncontrolled hand brake turn and ease the viper through this corner…right…

Yeah, so, we’ve got servers loaded with all this rubbish and this is causing major overheating of the planet, firstly by these servers requiring electricity to be run, then by the heat they generate and the air conditioners required to cool them. And this can be blamed on two things. Nerds for writing such awesome code that makes programs like Twitter and Facebook so easy to use.

And this my young ones is why we have global warming!

Glad to be of assistance!

NOTE: I woke up this morning and found this written as a draft on my desktop, and have virtually no recollection of writing it. Weird.This is completely unedited, found it, posted it. POW!