You know what I love? You know what I really love?

I love it when people arrive on the beach in summer and ask to borrow my sunscreen because they ‘forgot theirs’. Honestly, what is wrong with you?

Did Mayweather ever arrive in the boxing ring and go “Oh shit, I forgot to train”?

Did the brewery in Newlands open this morning and go “Oh shit, we forgot to make beer”?

Have you ever been about to make sweet, sweet love to your girlfriend and you have forgotten that you are a man, so you hand your girlfriend a strap on and go “Honestly, just break me”?

Have any of these things ever happened? Because there is as much a chance of these happening as there is of you forgetting your sunscreen! Oh my shattered left testicle you people are irritating!

It’s just something you don’t forget. But I know why you ‘forget’ these things and you should not be afraid to admit it. You’re a cheap sonofabitch.

If you say to me “Sean can I borrow your sunscreen because I forgot mine?” I will kick sand in your face and I will watch in sheer delight as your skin turns into crispy bacon. Then I’ll kick more sand in your face and smash a cooler box on your head and send you home like a naughty child.

However if you tell the truth  and say “Sean I’m a cheap sonofabitch and don’t want to spend money on sunscreen, can I borrow yours?” then I’ll probably give you a bit.

There are some people who go through the entire summer ‘forgetting’ sunscreen. And it always happens to be me that is dishing out the sunscreen because there is a rumour going around that I’m Mother Theresa and will just do good things for mankind. Well I’m going to tell you something pendejo, I’m not Mother Theresa.

In fact I’m the devil and I will in all likeliness watch you burn while I’m protected from the sun with R160 worth of power.

The SLXS choice for summer 2009

Yeah you read correctly, that is what sunscreen now costs. You don’t go to a mates house with no drinks and then still ask for shot after shot of Jack do you? If you do you’re a lowlife and I don’t like you. The most you should drink then is whatever he’s serving!

And on the beach this summer Sean is serving pain and it’s free. You can have some and you don’t have to do anything for it. All you need to do is arrive on the beach with no sunscreen and I’ll give you pain.

This isn’t a threat, it’s a light message from me. I honestly don’t care anymore, because you will NOT borrow my sunscreen. Look if my name was Piz Buin it would be fine, but I’m not paying R160 to see you turning a nice bronze colour courtesy of my expensive sun lotions.

This summer the devil is going to sit back and watch you turn red. Then I’m going to slap your face with a hand full of Deep Heat and take your mom out for a nice seafood dinner.

And never call her again.