I’ve really been meaning to try this Woolworths Earth Friendly Range since it was launched a few months ago but for some or other reason I never got around to it.

So on Friday after doing my rounds (Lunch with Madiba, tea with the Dalai Lama and some random charity work, and I also saved a baby from getting hit by a bus) I nipped into Woolworths and while my initial intention was only to perve a few MILFS, I got a little sidetracked. You see I had been running and was quite sweaty, I was basically pitting at the Fruit and Veg aisle. That’s veg with an “e” and not an “a” Easily confused.

Now my body has been compared to Achilles, and generally I do throw out a Greek God type vibe especially in summer when I’m more bronze that Tom Jones. And because I’m what they (Not me) call a public figure (Ha ha! Have you ever?!) it is essential that I keep my body in perfect shape, for you all!

So that when you see me in real life,  you are as awe struck as what you are when you read my writing. So other than my trail running which keeps me fit so I can dance circles around Justin Timberlake, I also like to use some good skincare products. I have my ranges that I stick to, but as they say diversity is the mother of all bitches.

Or something to that effect.

Well I was in Woolworths, checking out some mommy from between the loaves of bread (Around 30 inches long — the bread. What, do you think that is all there is to me?) when I realised that I was Fritzeling from beneath my arm pits. I was sweating like a hooker OD’ing on E, it was quite bad. This is normal though after a trail run, or if you’re a stalker about to get caught in the playground.

I then realised that I had run out of my old shower gel and the health store was closed so I would need to buy something at Woolworths. My body is only used to the finest quality ingredients and my hands have been known to refuse to even put inferior products onto my statuesque like body. It’s that bad. But such is my quest for a better life for us all!

I popped a couple of items in the basket and bang, jumped into the VR3 and headed home. Along the way I will admit to having hit a kid as well as a hooker. It was a vicious ride I tell you! I’m not sure why the kid was getting a piggy back on the hooker, I can only assume that he was trying to get a crack lolly. But enough about me living in Mitchells Plein. Moving on…

I got back home in my usual fit of depression, as one does. We all do, don’t we? Am I the only one taking crazy pills to balance myself? Anyway I stripped naked way before I could make it into the house, leaving Auntie Gertrude next door very aroused. I also find it weird that Uncle Bert next door was also aroused.

I lathered myself up with the Woolworths Earth Friendly Body Wash and it’s simply divine! It soaps up good which is great when you’re in prison but even better when you’re not, because there is never the deathly thrill of surprise sex.

Then again there is also very little chance of you going for a trail run, or shopping at Woolworths for their Earth Friendly Range if you’re a prisoner. The hand wash is also simply a treat so now you can have clean hands even though you have a dirty mind. It’s got tea tree oil which is anti-bacterial or something, I wasn’t quite reading because I had my hand in my pants. And for good reason too!

I was powdering my kugelsak!

No I’m joking babes.

I bought it for my nappy rash. I still wet myself at night, but it’s not really a problem. I mean, I shower in the morning so that’s fine isn’t it? And the only reason I wet myself is because I still get nightmares about the boogie man, which is a common concern amongst grown men.

No but really I’m joking about all this, I bought the baby powder for Carlos.

My firstborn child.

I love you Carlos.

Wow that was a terrible article and you have learnt absolutely nothing about the Woolworths Earth Friendly Range, but it has something to do with biodegradable ingredients, not tested on animals, no petrochemicals, no artificial colours, no animal ingredients and stuff like that. Not that you care, but that’s what I’m throwing down. Can you handle me hot stuff?

xxx