So my buddy, Lloyd, seems to have entered into a competition for the Face Of Markhams, and he’s doing decidedly well! Lloyd is coming in at number 9, and he needs to be in the top 10 to reach the next stage of the competition.

Now I never ask much of you guys (I’m a giver), but this is one of the few times where I need your help. We think Lloyd needs to punish the competition, and a higher ranking will safely see him into the next round. This is what he’s currently doing, and he’s not even posing for these. This is how he is 24/7, non stop:

Watching TV

“Yeah I can see it…but it’s about a thousand miles east…must strain face”

Lloyd loved wearing high end fashion while sitting at the docks, on rusty anchors

So guys, girls, you are going to need to vote for Lloyd (Give him 5 stars!)

To vote, simply click here and give Lloyd the 5 stars. If he makes it into the next round, surely we’ll be giving away prizes? I think so!

And click here for Lloyd’s page at Base Model Agency

We all know that Nando’s adverts are hilarious, so I thought I’d push you in this direction (To my right…on my lap…stroking you…baby oil…tears of joy…champagne…cocaine chapped lips…what?…nothing…)

I can’t vouch for the comedians because I have no idea who they are but it’s important nonetheless to highlight that if you are depressed, you might want some comedy in your life. Some money and a smoking girlfriend/boyfriend might work as well, but you can’t just buy those, but you can buy a ticket to the Nando’s Cape Town Comedy Festival.

It started on the 13th of September and runs until the 4th of October.

Check out all the details over here.

I had just received my latest order of American Crew Fiber when I was told to try out VO5 Extreme Style Matt Clay, which comes in at an awesome price of around R40 which is great for the recession! I’m always wary of buying hair products that can be found at the corner cafe, but with VO5 Extreme Style Matt Clay…we have a winner!

I can’t believe it only costs R40 because it’s quite rad. Now with hair products it’s imposssible to say what will work for you, because everyones hair is different, but this is a good matt finish sculpting (My guns) clay that is very effective. My hair is quite fine and flat, and I use this clay to twist my hair into shape. Let’s have a look, cue the cheesy photos (And more material for my stalkers)

The tub says:

Adds texture and definition

Ideal  to sculpt and create any choppy style

Leaves a matt finish

Washes out extremely easily

So yeah, for R40 you can hardly go wrong with V05 Extreme Style Matt Clay, it’s one of the few quality products that you can buy at Pick ‘n Pay, Spar, anywhere really!

Quite a good find, give it a try. It’s only R40 so you can’t go wrong.

I’m actually loving it *GASP…I actually bought products for my hair at Pick ‘n Pay*

I first heard of David Sessions from some girlfriends at Reddam…wait…that sounds wrong.

Anyway a couple of my friends have sisters/ cousins etc at Reddam and I heard the name David Sessions being thrown around when they were talking of awesome photography, and this man is an awesome photographer, and he’s at Reddam. I’m not one of those people who can tell you what made a movie good, or what made a photograph good, I can only tell you what I like, and I like this photography, a lot! Now the only thing I hate about David Sessions is that he is in matric, and he is photographing some of the most beautiful woman I have ever seen in my life! And I’m stuck behind this lousy computer…Not with a lousy t-shirt though. Oh no, I type naked, because it makes me feel naughty.

Anyway, I thought I’d show you a few photographs that are on his Facebook group (Sitting at a cool 1295 members — hectic) I don’t know what it is about this next photo (Besides the beautiful woman), but I love it. Something about it makes me think that this is what awesome is made of, there is something about the model on the left that is just rad:

And some more:

So that’s it, David Sessions photography fresh from Cape Town, BOOM! Because that’s how we do it here.

David Sessions is available to shoot for you should you need him, so click here for all the details on Facebook. I’m wondering whether I should get him to shoot my summer calendar 2009/2010. Should we do the same as last year, have me in a white Speedo in different locations around Cape Town, or shall we change it? I’m still in killer shape.

*Talking of modeling, we’ll be chatting about The Face Of Markhams soon*

Last two photos courtesy We-Are-Awesome

This is the essential list of things that we can quite easily live without, and the world will be a better place without  these eleven things.

Car guards

If I run into the shop and buy the paper and a Coke, they expect me to tip them for standing around for 5 minutes. So I must tip them R2 (20% of what I have spent) for 5 minutes ‘work’ And the best is when you don’t tip a car guard, because they look at you as though you are a murderer.

Car guards stand behind your car waving their arms, ‘directing’ you out of your parking bay, for what? Oh yeah I ALMOST forgot that I did nearly 30 hours of private driving lessons, passed my drivers license with alley docking and parallel parking and I also forgot that my car has an Asian Wolf alarm system AND I forgot that I pay car insurance as some sort of monthly hobby. Car guards? Out.

Twitter

Twitter isn’t the problem, it’s the people that use it. Promote themselves, their businesses, their blog posts and their lives, but then you ask them something, and they’re too busy to reply. Including local ‘celebs’ I understand if Ashton Kutcher doesn’t reply to his messages because he gets so many, but local ‘celebs’ with 500 followers not replying? Clearly too cool for school.

People who don’t tip and make a huge fuss with waitresses/waiters

Would you work for free? No you wouldn’t, so why don’t you tip people in the service industry decently? This includes petrol attendants, waiters etc. They don’t stand there all day to get paid their basic, they work to earn money. A R2 tip for a waitress serving you for over an hour is not money. And making a huge fuss so the restaurant can hear shows that you clearly don’t even have enough class to be eating out. Rather stay at home.

Be aware that the majority of the time, waiters are at the mercy of the kitchen. The waiters don’t slow down your orders for no reason. Sometimes waiters can be bad, but there is no need to make a huge deal of it in front of other diners. Speak to the manager. Be discreet. Shouting at the waiter like a spoilt brat shows just your level of class…none.

Greenwashing

Appearing to lead a green lifestyle, but just proclaiming your ignorance. This is most often seen in wealthy peoples houses, where everything is organic, but it has been shipped from the other end of the planet. This doesn’t count as going green. Stop trying to paint a green picture of yourself. Maybe you should start by getting rid of the Range Rover that is solely used to fetch the kids from school.

Big Issue and Funny Money

Wouldn’t it be great to stop at a robot for one day and not be harassed by flower sellers/Big Issue vendors and people selling Funny Money. It would be SUCH a treat! Even if you have copies of the stuff they are selling, they never believe you anyway. And does anyone read the Big Issue anyway? Come on, be honest.

Robot stops are one reason for looking into tinting your windows so that no one can see in.

Radio playlists

Playlists drawn up by the disconnected management make me go crazy. Play rubbish songs all day, interspersed with the rubbish spewing out of the radio DJ’s mouths (Grant and Anele come to mind), and we’re supposed to listen to this? I’m sorry, but 5FM is literally driving me crazy.

“Oh but if you don’t like it, don’t tune in”

When a whole sector of the country is talking about how the quality on the radio station has dropped, you need to do something.

Bad music that makes it big

Lada Gaga leading the way. I’m sorry, but Poker Face is horrendous and is only popular at night clubs because of the 2 for 1 drinks specials. Imagine making bad clothing, or building ugly buildings, or giving bad haircuts, and still rising to the top of your game. It would frustrate a lot of people. Bad music that makes it big is doing just that.

Internet geeks

Refer to themselves as “web entrepreneurs”, “geeks” or “online marketing gurus”, when in actual fact all they do is rehash the main news from the day in the technology sector. Come on guys, you’re never going to launch the next Mashable or Techcrunch, find your niche. Don’t give us the information that is floating all over the internet. Give your own view points and offer us something that we can’t read anywhere else. And please for the love of your score rate with the ladies…drop the word “geek”!

Becoming famous for nothing

Think Kim Kardashian and any reality show contestant. It’s enough to drive you mental. Even more scary is the amount of money they make.

Overpriced clothing

All these brands that charge us R500 for a t-shirt, and are from America and Australia. Then on closer inspection they are made in China and the owners are making disgusting profits while factory workers live in squalor. Clothing in general is a bugger up. Why does cheap clothing have such a bad fit and shrink so much? Can we not get a t-shirt for R100 with a great fit and the same quality as a R500 one? Woolworths are winning in this regard, but everyone else is losing.

People who stand on you in queues

You know the type, they stand so close behind you that they are actually touching you. Then it comes your turn at the till, and they put their stuff on the counter at the same time as you. WHO MADE YOU? I’m not freaky about my space, but when you stand breathing down my neck in a queue, don’t be alarmed when I start swearing at you and beating you with my trolley. Nothing irritates me more than people who don’t give me some space in a queue.

And that’s it, eliminate these eleven things and I guarantee Prozac sales will drop!

Feel free to add your own lists in the comments section.

If you can’t physically handle it, why pay for it?

I don’t know about you, but I’m quite a DVD fan and one of the things I always do is buy authentic DVD’s and CD’s. I’m not one for buying anything fake, and to me buying fake DVD’s is the same as buying fake watches, cars and anything else. There are people who wear fake watches, and my question is, how sad is your life?!

I would much rather wear something that I can afford that is real, so instead of a fake Rolex, I’d much rather be wearing an R800 Diesel watch that is authentic. Wearing a fake Rolex would be like driving a fake BMW, you’re only fooling yourself in the end. One of the reasons I only buy authentic DVD’s is because I think, would I want to do any job in the world for free? My answer is no.

So while you’re downloading DVD’s and music illegally, there is someone who has worked their entire life to catch the eye of a record label/ studio executive and you’re simply taking their work, enjoying it and saying “Well I’m not going to pay you”

Would you go out for dinner and expect the restaurant to foot the bill?

Would you work from 9-5, for free?

Would you expect your employees to work for free?

If your answer is no, then why would you buy pirated DVD’s and CD’s?

I think that although the internet has opened up an entire new world, it’s also disconnected us from reality. Downloading music is the equivalent of walking into a store and stealing a CD, and you wouldn’t do that, so what makes the online world any different? Just because a physical product isn’t being transferred, doesn’t make it any different.

I think as the world progresses, so does greed. I notice it a lot online, with people wanting free publicity for their events/brands on high profile websites but when it comes to paying for it or offering anything in return, suddenly they become very shy. In the real world of magazines and newspapers, these are privileges that you would pay for. But online doesn’t seem “real” and people don’t want to pay.

What people don’t realise is that popular websites are not created overnight, they take hundreds of hours of work and thousands of rands to become what they are. So while it may seem that here at SLXS we’re chilling, the content is not created at the click of a finger, and neither is the readership. It’s something I work at daily, and I try make it as fun and easy going as possible so at all times it appears as if we’re doing nothing really.

I guess it’s just something I wanted to put out there, just to make people more aware that the online world is as real as the physical world and we shouldn’t take anything digital for granted, because in most cases the same amount of time, effort and money (Well online is a bit cheaper I suppose) goes into creating the digital world as it does in creating the real world.

I’m just starting to worry that across all digital spheres, people are expecting everything to be free. This can be seen very clearly in the recent case of Twitter opening up their terms of service to allow for possible advertising. Some people don’t want advertising on Twitter, again, they want this highly popular service to be free and they don’t want any advertising getting in the way.

Do you think the people at Twitter like working for free? Exactly.

It seems that in the online world, greed too often leads the way. We want, we want, we want…but we don’t want to give in return.

It’s something to think about the next time you’re downloading something for ‘free’

It’s free to you, but for someone else in the world, it is their whole world you’re downloading, because their whole life has gone into producing that download.

While there is absolutely nothing I can do to save you from your office job, I can do magic tricks. I never have to make a day speed up because of bosses or offices (Or having slept with the intern at the office party last night), but sometimes I get bored and no one wants to go to the beach with me, so I waste away the hours online.

My top time wasters, other than looking at my cut physique in the mirror? Let’s have a look:

Sickipedia — Building the world’s best collection of sick jokes. I mean, you’ve never seen a website like this in your life. Let’s treat you with an example joke from Sickipedia:

What’s the best thing about doing a tranny up the arse?

Reaching round and thinking you’ve gone all the way through.

Wow!

Then there is also Lamebook.com — These are some really cool posts on the weirdest things you’ll see on Facebook. Wall postings, status updates…it’s all there.

Fmylife.com — There are some pearlers here! Two examples:

“Today, I was sitting in class and I fell asleep during the lesson. I was wearing sweatpants and had an erection. My teacher came up to me and grabbed my penis. She thought it was my phone. FML”

“Today, I heard my sister masturbating in her room. I took the dog around the block to get out of the house, and I came back to see her leaving her room… my electric toothbrush in her hand. FML”

Ha ha, classic!

Textsfromlastnight.com — You know drunken texting? Well now it’s basically open to the public, oh no! There are all sorts of random texts here, some drunk, some just regular. All are crazy.  Some examples:

(505): Bad news is I’m a slut again. Good news is its with people I’ve been a slut with before.

(412): fuck dude i blacked out on a Tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
(717): Winning.

(870): I don’t wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.

(269): dude she’s married.
(1-269): so? a ring don’t cover no holes.

Ha ha, awesome!

Seriously, get stuck into those websites and Friday will go by in 5 minutes.

It’s my promise to you.

I’m not normally into overseas news, but the latest news of the magician Derren Brown is quite phenomenal as he seems to have predicted the winning lottery numbers in the UK hours before the draw took place.

The thing that you need to know, is that tonight he will be revealing how he did it. How deep he will go into the revelation remains to be seen, but it will be interesting nonetheless. If I were Derren Brown, I’d be hitting the casino’s, hard! In particular that damn roulette table at Grandwest that took all my money last week.

But imagine if you could predict numbers like this, you can surely read people minds? Do you realise how high your score rate would be?

I would literally be hitting Karma and Caprice like a dog on heat!

Catch the whole story over here. (Image via Dailymail)

That’s mental. I don’t think we will be able to watch the show live tonight, but we’ll surely see it on the news in South Africa. Keeping an eye on Sky News would be a safe bet.

Sometimes I get SO bleak with myself! I was at a buddies apartment a while back and we were filming a piece for a Sony TV ad. Well it wasn’t actually for Sony, we were just doing it for ourselves as a joke after seeing an advert on television. But don’t worry, we’ll get into filming it again (We wrote over the copy…clever)

So what’s happening, is that the new Sony Bravia’s are completely losing the plot in that they are not very stoner friendly. They are going to claim to be eco-friendly, but I think neglecting the pot smoking sector of society is very unkind to the environment. It is well known that stoners are the saviours of the world for a few reasons:

They hardly shower, saving water.

They don’t give a shit what they look like, so they don’t buy into the vanity industry, thus saving resources.

They’ll happily live off the land, smoking pot, eating mango’s and coconuts on the beach and surfing. Ask any stoner about Tortola and they’ll just smile

They wear hemp everything, and never wear shoes.

They don’t own cars.

All of this points to Al Gore basically jizzing in his pants over the environmental credentials of stoners. This will relate to another article I’m busy on, on why legalizing weed will cause the world economy to crash. No jokes, it’s true, I’m a genius writer, you’ll see. I’ll show you Al Gore!

Now some of you may think I have loads of experience with the herb, but I don’t at all.

*The sound of kids giggling is heard in the background*

*I return. Breaking a light sweat*

Ahem…*My voice has gone high pitched*…AHEM…Ok that’s better.

But the new range of environmentally friendly Sony TV’s are discriminating against stoners, and *gasp* fat people.

You see, they’re now fitted with motion sensors, so when they don’t detect motion, they automatically turn off. Now I’ve been told that after hitting a bong (Kid), and watching Grandmas Boy or The Hangover, you get fairly paralytic. So if you’re not moving, the TV is very likely to turn off. The problem is that fat people who don’t move ever, will surely be suing the television makers. It will turn off, they will have to move to grab the remote or get to the TV, they’ll twist an ankle and then sue for damages.

So Sony are not only actually destroying the environment with this new TV, they are trying to kill fat people.

OMG I’m hysterical, this is terrible!

Come on fat Americans, start getting your lawsuits ready!

I’m so frustrated with security on Facebook, it is clear that someone keeps on hacking into my account and leaving the most ridiculous messages. Because this is SURELY not me doing this?

Honestly, it’s not

Dammit, I’m so bored today, and when I’m bored I think up crazy stories and then go playing on Facebook. It’s ridiculous, someone give me something to do, does anyone need a hotel reviewed?

Car?

Product?

I won’t lie to you, I’ve been eyeing out these caps for a while, because they are pretty hot right now, just like that damn Hansel.

So while I don’t have one (Hint), I decided that we’d get Josh to send through a few photos of his, which have no doubt gone through more philthy nights with Chris Jack at Get Dumb at the Bang Bang Club than you care to know.

Funky colours are still hot from last summer as everyone continues to rock the lumo electro look. So to those of you not in the know, Soda Pop are the difference between being cool, and being a tool. I really dig that name as well, it reminds me of one of my favourite brands, Ice Cream from Pharrell Williams.

I thought I’d keep you in the loop here with what is going down this summer, as it approaches us at a rapid pace and is going to smash us in the face.

Honestly, I think I’m going to spend 5 months straight on Llandudno. I’ll never leave, I’m going to have a coconut tree and some mango’s and that’s what I’ll live off. You think I’m joking?

I’ll do it! What else is there to do?

I sometimes feel like a bit of a fool for not mentioning certain things, but as you can imagine I get around quite a bit (Ladies, get around as in physically seeing Cape Town…calm yourselves) and don’t always remember to write about everything. Fortunately I always take photos, which end up on my hard drive and then I eventually get around to looking at them even if it’s a while later. The main thing is that I get around to them! So when I discovered my photos of my trip to Tintswalo Atlantic, I knew you’d love them, because you are going to find this place nothing short of insane.

It’s not for the plebbs, so it IS for you! Not many people know about it because it’s quite remote in a sense, found just past Hout Bay below Chapmans Peak. And now this is where the answers to your regular questions come in.

It’s a known fact that pictures surface on Facebook of me surrounded by a fantastic amount of beautiful woman, and people somehow believe that I have a certain charm to me. You must be joking! I don’t need charm when I have an arsenal of Cape Town places to stay in. I could honestly be like one of those Monks who never speaks, and I’d still be surrounded by Cape Town greatness because of the network of cool places that I have at my disposable.

Now you too can take advantage of this. All you need is some decent money at your disposal and you won’t need to speak, or read The Game, or go for life coaching lessons. It’s all quite easy really, so for those of you e-mailing me asking for my seduction techniques, here is our first lesson:

That’s Tintswalo Atlantic near the white water

The Love Pad

The ocean at your doorstep, phenomenal!

I was going to take my shirt off, but I may crash my internet host server

The view from the balcony. Fairly average?

Instant seduction, no personality needed!

“Ladies ladies, form an orderly queue. There is plenty to go around”

So that’s Tintswalo Atlantic in the Hout Bay direction. Keen to stay there?

It will essentially guarantee that your girl loves you. You’re on the ocean and it’s secluded enough to allow you to max out to a level of insane that you have never before experienced in this city. To be honest, I’m not sure if there is another place in Cape Town like this. Camps Bay is too commercial for this type of experience, and I think Tintswalo Atlantic is a one of a kind experience that anyone visiting Cape Town needs to experience. Even locals should give it a bash and pull through, and with the very attractive rates and ultra luxurious experience, I can personally guarantee that you will have the time of your life.

There are few things in life that I recommend everyone do, because everyone is different, but a few nights at Tintswalo Atlantic are a must in your life.

Summer in Cape Town is busting down the door, and this is the ultimate luxury retreat for those truly wanting to live the Cape Town dream. And you’ll be close to Llandudno, so you’ll see me on the beach.

BONUS!

Someone say ‘recession’?

Oh sorry, I have my ear muffs on and I CAN’T HEAR YOU.

Click here to go to the website.

Has anyone else noticed that some people use different voices when speaking to petrol attendants?

“Yoh chief!” They shout, going on and on.

Do petrol attendants look at you and go “Ja nee, I can like to wear a jean pant boet!”

You do realise you sound like an idiot when you change your voice to speak to petrol attendants?

Just a thought.

The internet is so big, and I’m on a crusade to see all of it in effect making me an explorer of our digital world, like an online Mike Horn. So I was thinking of doing a little import export to pass my time and make sick amounts of money on top of just being a rad master. Well check this website I found, where you can literally buy anything. Alibaba.com — Global Trade Starts Here. Check this stuff:

I tell you what, if you’re into imports, you are going to blow your load reading this site.  You can even buy crude oil, from a website! Who would have thought?

I’m not even going to get started on this website, just click here and get into the import/export business because it is awesome!

I do use office space in Cape Town, but flexible offices for when I really need them. We’ll be chatting about that soon. This is more the level of ‘corporate’ I like to achieve in Cape Town:

Head office

It’s quite rad, I have a telescope so the crew scope out the people on Llandudno from the house, and if there are enough bikinis, we hit it! If not, we just chill at the pool instead.

Fairly chilled. But we only do this because stress is a big killer.

So avoid that! What? This is a doctor prescribed lifestyle, don’t hate us, hater.