Damien Hirst is an artist, and he does such ridiculous things like placing a shark in formaldehyde and he is a genius. This screams of “tit” to me. I’ve never understood art and why people can charge such high prices for random acts of rubbish.

A piece of genius by Damien Hirst. Since when is genius spelled c…r..a…p?

I’ve been thinking of becoming an artist myself. I’m going to drink a Berocca, slit my wrists (In a white room), then get on a merry go round and piss myself while going around. The yellow and red on the walls afterwards is sure to convey some sort of sign to the hippie art world that I am in fact in touch with the spiritual world and the art conveys a sense of purity and clarity rarely portrayed by any artist, living or dead.

I’ll call it the MashedMindWasher and it will go on to make me millions of pounds, I’ll become famous and I’ll sleep with celebrities.

Damien Hirst is reputed to be the wealthiest living artist in the world all because some of his so called “art”

Personally, I think it’s an absolute load of rubbish. For those of you who have heard of the Tate Modern in London (Ah you sound like you from London! — Forgetting Sarah Marshall) , it is an art museum containing international modern art.

I know people who have been there, and in the one room you walk into there are simply bricks laid out in a square. Bricks just like brick paving you might find in your driveway.

And that’s it. That is the diasplay. No spice.

Then there is this piece, entitled “Oak Tree”, by Michael Craig Martin and according to Wikipedia, this is what Damien Hirst had to say about it:

“That piece is, I think, the greatest piece of conceptual sculpture. I still can’t get it out of my head”

Apparently the text accompanying it argues why it is in fact an oak tree.

An oak tree…can’t you see it?

Someone get these people to rehab!Remember yesterday when I spoke of how you go into a rage when talking about people like Div and his comments? Well EXACTLY the same thing is happening.

I mean…how…why…??

LSD by Damien Hirst, worlds wealthiest living artist. I’m broken

Why are people so stupid? It’s always these creative people who just have to push the limits just to be different. So as not to conform. But they all conform to something anyway, being total idiots. Like those kids you’ll see at advertising school, deliberately wearing stupid stuff like velvet pants, with hair straight on one side and frizzy on the other side. To be “different”

Come on man, give me a break! Fashion designers also fit into this eccentric subsect, not because it’s really what they think, but because they’re crying out for attention.

The only thing you’ll be crying about is when I see you crossing Long Street and you have to deal with being hit by 1300 kg’s.

DAMMIT!

And just to prove that freaks like this do get the girl, here is Damien Hirst with Lily Allen.

Kiff chin…Bono

I’m shattered, and I know there is one other person shattered by this image.

Ahem…

*Dos*

Sean Lloyd

Editor 

YES YES YES!

Entourage Season 5 is available for pre-order in South Africa through Kalahari.net for only R182,66.

SICK!

And you can now pre-order it should you want to live the lifestyle of extreme excess, or at least aspire to living this lifestyle.

Click HERE to pre order Entourage Season 5.

Sean Lloyd

Editor 

I received a call from Andy B the other day (Sunday) mentioning something or other relating to Virgin Active in Constantia, the park and some water.

I thought the guys were definitely up to some devious activities! Then I realised it wasn’t my crack dealer calling…and…ooooooh shiny!

*Picks up phone*

“Hey mom!”

“Sean what are you doing?”

“Coke off a dead hooker…”

“Sean you know you’re not allowed sugar, it makes you crazy. And I don’t want you playing rugby, it’s dangerous”

“Ok mom my nose is bleeding, I really have to go. And my pants are off”

“Ok bye”

I saddled up and made my way through to the park opposite Virgin Active in Constantia, you know the park. What has happened is the rains have made a little pond in one of the ditches, or maybe it’s there all year, I’m not sure.

I actually made the name “Urban Wake” up, but it’s a sport that is run by a select few urban extremists led by the Bourne2Ride team who reside in Cape Town, and make every effort to turn the city into their sporting playground. It’s a simple concept, with the riders strapping themselves into wakeboards and being pulled across any expanse of water — ponds, pools and even across the surf at the beach by high speed winches.

When you can’t make it out of town to Misverstand and need to get your sporting fix, wake missions in the city are the only way to go. The guys really do push it sometimes, but within limits. Sundays wake mission was led by Andy B doing an assortment of tricks like backflips or whatever they call them (Discombobulator? Semi retarded?)  Operating in water of sometimes only knee depth, it’s a performance show made possible by Andy’s sliders and kickers that he has hand built for the occassion.

Andy B!

We were joined on the day by Nicole and THE Mike, and the level of smut talk can only be compared to some sort of show involving a horse and a…yeah. These wake sessions are quite a laugh, because I just walk around with a limp and try pick chicks up.

“Ja, so, you know I tore a ligament at the European wakeboard champs in May”

“Really? What ligament?”

“Um it’s not too important”

“Where were they held exactly?”

“Cough cough cough do you want to hook up with me?”

“You’re lying aren’t you?”

“No my angel let’s just go back to my place and I’ll tell you”

“You’re gross”

“So…that’s…a yes?”

“Get away from me”

“Come on just do it! For the feeling! I’m Sean Lloyd!”

For anyone interested in wakeskating and wakeboarding training camps and lessons in and around Cape Town, click HERE to get in contact with the Bourne2Ride team.

All wakeboarding related equipment including Jet Pilot Vests, Liquid Force bindings, wakeboards and accessories as well as Malibu wakeboard boats are available through Bourne2Ride.

It’s ALL happening!

Sean Lloyd

Editor 

Ok so as we know Cape Town is awesome, and you and Johnny Hopkins used to smoke pot all day long on Table Mountain (YEAH!) and now you owe Table Mountain the honour of making it one of the new 7 wonders of the world.

We’ve spoken about this before and now Table Mountain is in the 28 shortlisted, and then it goes down to 7.

OMG OMG OMG!

Yes girls, you can touch me in highly inapprppriate places, but for now lets keep our panties on and vote for Table Mountain. So then we can all roll a bat and blaze it on Table Mountain in celebration.

Wickie woo, sick styles!

Click HERE to vote.

Do it or else that chick you were eyeing out at 91 will not hook up with you…EVER!!

Sean Lloyd

Editor

Oh my plutz my angel!

I’m strolling through The Wellness Warehouse yesterday when out the corner of my very sexy and devilish eye, I catch this absolute MILF. I did a barrell roll through the chickpea section in order for her to notice me and how athletic I am. And dangerous too. So she didn’t see me, but I did stumble upon the most gorgeous section of YOUR life.

It’s the essential oil section where you can buy the most awesome range of essential oils to put into one of those burner thingies. It looks like this:

I’ll admit, the burners at Wellness Warehouse were a bit kak, so I bought this one at The Good Stuff health store downstairs for R85.

Seduce me…seduce you…

Now what you do is fill the bowl with water, put 4 or 5 drops of oil into it and…BANG! You’re rolling in the most awesome scent. It’s great for just chilling out and possibly smoking a blunt, I don’t know. You’ve never felt more in touch with nature than when you have a fat J perched on the lips and the aroma of essential oils pumping through the room.

You know…theoretically.

What you need to do though when buying the essential oils, is check the price of them. Wellness Warehouse have done a double sneaky trick-you-back-David-Copperfield move and put a sign up saying essential oils “From R24″ Well I tell you what, there wasn’t a single one for R24 that I could find! They’re all 11ml or 12ml bottles and cost quite a lot of cash. The majority were going for R106 from the Soil range, but mine cost R65 from the Aromatic Apothecary range so do look out for them.

J in a bottle

Alternatively, Faithful to Nature have a massive range of Soil essential oils to purchase online all in the R20-R30 region.

A bottle lasts a while, as only 4 or 5 drops are needed at a time. I guess it’s sort of a new way of living minimalistically…a few lines of coke, couple tabs of e, few drops of oil, a joint and some potatoes to eat.

Eco friendly here you come!

No jokes, don’t do that Russell Brand…

The great thing about essential oils is that you can, and will, pull them off as a guy. There is nothing wrong with being in touch with your feminine side and the best thing of all is chicks will see your more sensitive, caring side. They’ll feel relaxed in your company. Their heads will be clear of stress (Until they hit the headboard…)

Hey? No you’re being silly! Silly hoo! No come on Kirsten…stop it, I have to work!

Kirsty wirsty woo!

Click HERE to buy essential oils online, and have them delivered to your door. Victory!

Sean Lloyd

Editor 

I’m only writing this now, because I haven’t been at my desk, I’ve been rolling around in fits of laughter on the floor!

Sports Illustrated have, in one interview, gone from being a sports magazine to, in my mind, a complete lifestyle choice! They’ve attempted to conduct an interview with our (cl)own SA rugby coach Pieter De Villiers aka Div aka Die Snorman due to that luscious Amazonian man growth on his upper lip.

Hier kommie snooorman, hier kommie snooorman!

In attempting to conduct an interview, they find it increasingly hard to conduct said interview because Snorman is busy and generally seems disinterested. The writer eventually asks Div if he should invent a story.

Snormans answer?

“Ja, thanks, man”

Are you quite grasping this? This is our national rugby coach and he does not care! The interview is absolutely hilarious and contains some of his recent beautiful quotes including the now famous black mechanic when talking about Ricky Januarie.

In my mind it is extremely difficult to even think about Div and how stupid he is. You know when you’re having an argument with someone, and they’re so dumb that they cannot fathom why they are wrong? And they think that they are right and then just go “Yeah whatever, I don’t want to talk about it, you’ll never get it”

You know that rage you go into?

That is exactly how I feel when I talk about Div! He is so damn frustrating and dumb, that I get in a bad mood talking abut him. The guy is an absolute fool and it’s as if nothing will ever get through to him, even our sports magazines. It’s so irritating that I literally want to throttle him with his snor.

It’s people like Div that make people commit suicide. You work hard your whole life and get a bad deal in life, and Div comes in with half a brain and becomes SA rugby coach.

However, the latest Sports Illustrated, August 2009 is a pearler and you should go buy it. And it’s got Maria Sharapova on the cover, so that’s worth a stroke and toke.

Sean Lloyd

Editor 

A sort of free present, in the recession.

Enjoy it.

Sean Lloyd

Editor 

I love Hout Bay, I really do. I hope you’ve been there lately? The Sunday market is a treat, so many hippies! Hout Bay lives, breathes and smokes nature. Light a joint, tend to your worm farm, pick some fresh vegetables — this is the Hout Bay lifestyle.

I was mincing about the market the other day with an associate, and saw that they have their own version of Dolce & Gabbana, called Dolce & Banana . I’ve seen this place many times but only managed to get a photo recently.

Notice the “Ethnic Bongo” below it, rad!

Stunning!

If you’re into a chilled way of life, weed, recycling etc…Hout Bay is your home! No I’d never promote Hout Bay as a weed smoking place, I’m just saying. The rastas love it!

Sean Lloyd

Editor 

I was pleasantly surprised not to find my usual order of cocaine and heroin on the weekend at Sportsmans Warehouse in Tokai! SHOCKED!

I’m not so much a fan of tik, but it’s like people who smoke weed, they take cigarettes in between to space the space sessions out. So I think this is a great new way to make your regular drugs go further. Because we all do drugs don’t we? Of course we do! CRACK AND BREAKING THE LAW! CRACK AND BREAKING THE LAW!

HEY YOU! I know you do sir…sitting there drinking your tea innocently while the boss is in his big boss office stalking the new secretary and sneakily taking photos of her and pretending to listen to the wife on the phone.

Cocaine is an expensive habit and I think you should all intersperse your coke binges with some tik. But now your tik comes with a happy ending and not falling out teeth! Yes, your regular ball dip now comes tik infused, so Getiep can teabag Meraai and they can both benefit. Brazilliant!

Remember, the Tokai Sportsmans Warehouse is the same one that sells Tiger Nuts (HERE)

Phenomenal place really.

Sean Lloyd

Editor 

There have been many whisperings in the literary world of myself actually writing a book. People have wanted it…no…demanded it. While I can’t say whether I will in fact ever finish this book, or whether it will be good enough for publishing, I can give you something. But no matter what happens, I’m giving you a little sneak preview on the book, should it ever come to be.

It’s based on global warming and is a practical guide as to what causes it and how we can fix it. Like weatherman Simon Gears book, but all jacked up on crack and speed.

Nobel Laureate? Me? Yeah probably! Here is a very short extract of one of the pieces of my long awaited entry into the book health:

Impose an elevator tax

Have you ever noticed how much more petrol your car uses when a fatty boom boom gets in it? This added weight causes drag and your engine has to dig deep within its very soul to find more power from that thing we call gasoline. This same theory is true for any mode of transport we use, so if a fat person gets on an elevator, the engine has to work harder and use more potent coal fired electricity.

Elevator taxes would greatly enhance the planet in a few ways. We could tag people who are overweight, and then everytime they get on an elevator, their tag sends a message to a central computer system which fines them.

And so it should! The swines! Next time you see a fat person board an elevator, just think of a cute little bunny…being stampeded by a herd of buffallo. Or a little polar bear cub…being smashed by the Titanic.

Elevator tax will get the fatties off the elevators and allows us skinny people some space on the elevators. Which is only fair considering the reason we’re so skinny is because we’ve been doing coke all night, thus fuelling Columbias poor. We’re saviours of the world dammit! We’re the Angelina Jolies of the world! We should definitely get preference over elevator rides.

And besides, when all you’ve had in the past 24 hours is three bottles of Moet and 30 lines, the last thing you can do is walk.

So move out the way Ronald McDonald, this skinny bitch is tweaking tits and needs an elevator ride.

And that’s the general theme and feel of the book really. I’m not sure if it’s got substance to hit the bookshelves, but I am randomly working on it when I’m not staring at the ocean, sleeping, watching Gossip Girls or keeping up general public relations.

Sean Lloyd

Editor

For those of you following the comment on my ultra short Patrick O’Shea piece (Do have a look, HERE, it’s getting quite spicy)  then you will also be interested on the piece that the Sunday Times ran.

Luckily for you, I am awesome and I will give you a link to it!

Simply click HERE to see it.

Wicked styles wild!

Sean Lloyd

Editor

I was reminded of the fact that I basically became a Twilight WHORE about two months ago, when I watched Twilight for the first time after all the press surrounding Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson had gone mental. Then Chris posted on his Titter account something or other about it and I was inspired to finally write on the movie that everyone is talking about. The problem with the film is that Robert Pattinson is a good looking guy, and when I’m chatting to chicks about it, they completely lose interest in me and go into a dreamy haze, thinking of what they would do to Robert Pattinson if they were to get hold of him.

Well girls, don’t think I haven’t got this covered! Trust me when I say I can come up with much filthier things that myself and Kristen WILL do, WHEN we meet up. There’s no denying the fact that it won’t happen.

Look, there is also the chance of me actually hooking up with Mischa Barton and that is absolutely no joke. There is never a better time to get in with a girl, especially a celebrity, than when they have hit rock bottom. Mischa Bartons recent cocaine binge, followed by her apparently being suicidal, is the perfect gap which I have spotted and which I will capitalise on. The only problem is, she is apparently low on cash and I vowed in 2007 that I would only marry into money, just as a backup system should I ever want to go on a massive coke binge and blow my life to pieces.

But I really think all Mischa needs is a shoulder to cry on, and a pole to lean on. I’ll be her pole. Ok so what was I talking about? Oh yeah.

So anyways, I watch Twilight once, and I’m like an absolute mental chick, completely losing the plot over how beautiful these two people really are.

The movie is based on a series of books, the first one being Twilight, and the next one being New Moon which will be releasing, I dunno when. It revolved mostly around Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart) who is madly in love with Edward Cullen (Robert “I’ll make panties drop” Pattinson) The only problem is that he is a vampire of sorts, and doesn’t want to get too close to her because he fears he will hurt her, because vampires dig blood and all that stuff.

Now here is where I’m confused: I don’t know why I like the movie so much. I don’t know whether it’s the story of love, the soundtrack or just the acting and the characters involved. I think it’s a bit of both, but the beauty of these people is enough to make you go mental. In the film everyone is pale, but the mystery that they portray in their characters is phenomenal and you cannot stop watching the film. I’m now reading the book like a proper Twilight hooker.

It does indeed come highly recommended from me, and for a great site (Local nogal) dedicated to Twilight, and in fact the entire series, there is this site at TwilightSeries.co.za

Just click that link for all the information you need to know about Twilight.

Seriously, you’ll lose your mind. Don’t even hire the DVD, go straight out and buy the book and the DVD. You’ll want to watch it over and over again.

I’m sitting here uncomfortably aroused.

Interestingly, like any movie/TV series, people tend to date afterwards. It’s widely spoken about that Kristen Stewart are dating (Gripes). Just like in Gossip Girl where Blake Lively and that dude are dating, and Ed Westwick (Chuck Bass) is dating that other bird in real life.

Kak looking couple

Another reason why we should all take acting courses. As a backup plan for getting some action. You know, sort of like insurance.

Sean Lloyd

Editor 

If you’re on Facebook (You stalker you!) then now is a good time to become a fan of SLXS Cape Town. I’ve just re-created it as a fan page as opposed to a group. The fan page is an easier way to spread the love and information and basically connects you to me in sexier ways than ever.

So to those who read SLXS, or just for those who stalk me, then simply click HERE to become a fan of SLXS Cape Town.

It’s like paying your TV license, the only difference is that it’s the right thing to do and everyones doing it and it does not cost you anything.

Sean Lloyd

Editor

These are photos from Casa Del Pleasure last night, hilarious considering we are in the middle of winter, ha, LAG!

Ha!

Ha ha ha!

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaa ha ha ha ha ha LAG!

Mmmmmm Cape Town I think I’ll seduce you today.

Sean Lloyd

Editor 

I never really took Vuzu seriously, I mean come on, what does Vuzu mean anyway? In the scholarly world of elite wealth that is known to Gossip Girl and Entourage, why would I know what Vuzu means?

Anyway, it’s turning into a bit of a powerhouse and is currently screening Gossip Girl Season 2 (OMG!!) and Entourage Season 5 (OMG!!!!)

This is quite something if you ask me. I don’t have a clue what channel Vuzu is on, on DSTV, but try find it. I’ll give you the link to their website, just search ‘Gossip Girl’ and ‘Entourage’

For today, 20 july 2009, entourage is on at 15:00 with Season 5, episode 3.

Gossip Girl is on Wednesday night with Season 2, episode 4 at 20:30.

It’s practically insane that there is this amount of awesomeness on screen.

To me, it’s like TV viagra and I’m Hugh Hefner. Let’s swing.

Click here for Vuzu.tv

Sean Lloyd

Editor