Do excuse me if this story cuts back and forth, but there are pieces of it all over my mind so I’m trying to juggle them all and them catch them. This piece originally started out as a piece on Mischa Barton and why we should try hook up with her, because she had hit rock bottom. Then it lost its substance because she sort of recovered but we’ll get into that just now.

For some or other reason, I’ve always been attracted to psycho chicks. While I can see the appeal in normal girls, I just can’t get over the fact that their lives are too perfect. They’ll finish studying, get a job, work hard, have children and then one day retire. There’s never any excitement there like you get from the psychos. What excitement, you may ask?

I’m talking like weird stuff that normal girls will never offer. If the most exciting thing your girlfriend has to offer is that she bought a new pair of boots, or got a job promotion, then she is no girl for me. I like my mind to be pushed to the limits. For instance, when you’re after two girls, and the nice one says “Go with your heart”, your heart will no doubt go towards her — the nicer, sweeter girl. But when the psycho says “You either hook up with me or I’ll kill you”, your body gets this major adrenaline rush and psycho is suddenly a thousand times more attractive.

In a world so devoid of action, it’s only normal that guys want some excitement in their lives, and girls can provide that. I mean we are quite censored these days, we can’t do anything without being called racist, we can’t smoke in bars, we can’t drive fast, we can’t do U-turns, we can’t call someone fat, we can’t call someone ugly, we can’t say “No” to invitations without making excuses. Hey, have you ever realised that when you decline an invite somewhere, like to a party, people hassle you, asking you why you can’t go? You feel too rude saying “Well I don’t really want to” so you devise elaborate plans about your gran dying and your uncle getting arrested to make it sound fair that you are missing the party.

Why can’t you just say that you feel like staying in with Guitar Hero instead? Or you want to stay home and make a sandwich? If you are going to be doing these things, then they are valid excuses. But this is besides the point.

The point is, normal girls don’t make you feel alive.They make you feel like you are leading a numbed sort of existence, where you can see life passing you by, and it seems alright, but something is missing. Your adrenaline no longer smashes through your face. Psycho girls give you that excitement you need to feel alive. Waking up next to a girl who is sleeping peacefully is a great thing, but now imagine waking up, and there is some psycho standing over you with a knife…IMAGINE! Wouldn’t you feel insanely alive then? I bet!

There is nothing more thrilling than going to bed, not really knowing what lies in store. Regular girlfriend? Mmmmm wake up, have some coffee, go to work. Psycho crack chick? Wake up and thank the members Gods that psycho didn’t go through with her plan of cutting your main chap off. It’s like Fight Club man, it makes life real.

Why do you think every guy talks about Chuck Bass in Gossip Girl, and why most guys identify with him? Because most guys live for the chase. And the number one reason why guys like us live for the chase, is because it makes us feel untouchable. People who live for the chase may tend to be vain and superficial.

It’s true, and it’s true for girls as well. During the chase, you know that there is someone in the world who loves you so much, that they have eyes for no one else.  And you know, that if you hook up with that person who is chasing you, then you’re just a regular person who can actually be touched, but you want to be untouchable.Giving in to the chase is like admitting defeat, like admitting you are a regular person, and for the superficial crowd amongst us, we want people to chase us all our lives but we never want them to be able to catch us, because that will bring them to our level, and we want to be a level above them.

Look at Brad Pitt, he was with the sweet girl, Jen. Then the chase was on with the dark and mysterious Angelina, and he got what he wanted. But now news reports are mentioning that their relatonship is struggling a bit, in my opinion because Angelina is turning into the perfect family mother. Everything is going too smooth. Maybe he took a little more from Fight Club than just a pay check and millions of female admirers.

Just a thought. But I believe it to be true, that the people who are the most difficult to hook up with are also the most vain and superficial. Probably not in all cases, but in many cases. Look around Cape Town and see if it’s true.

The point of this was to say that I thought it would have been a good idea to hook up with Mischa Barton when she was at her lowest point, then build her up back to a movie star and…boom you’re famous!

Mischa at a low point — booze and cocaine — hook up with her

Get her through the booze and cocaine and you’re left with this!

It’s what guys like Kevin Federline have been doing for ages. Movie stars get so caught up in their world, they want someone normal to stabilise themselves, which is why people like Kelly Slater, Matt McConaughey, Matt Damon and Lance Armstrong have all gone from high profile relationships to regular ones with regular people.

We’re getting to the point of this, and that is just a bit of advice to surviving the recession. During times of financial difficulty and other difficulties for that matter, people are more likely to find love in strange places. Which is why the recession is in actual fact the perfect time for gold diggers. When our wealth is abundant, we can easily replace love with cars, parties and the good life. But when our financials fail us, we go in search of true love and the true meaning of life.

So if you are broke, the recession is actually the best place to be in the centre of. You don’t want to be broke when the economy is booming, because then rich people won’t love you. But rich people will love you in the recession if you’re a shoulder to cry on, and they will take you in. You simply offer them love back, and offer them the human touch as opposed to the bank managers touch. Then, when the recession is over, they might find themselves once again returning to their superficial ways and they might get over you.

But if you’ve dated a celebrity, you’ve no doubt had some good press exposure and you will probably be offered some sort of high paying, random job if you were charismatic enough in your press appearances with your partner.

On the big bonus side of the scale, you may have married, and in the divorce you will be entitled to cars, money or housing. If the celeb you were dating threatens to give you nothing, you simply tell them that you will write a tell all book. Then suddenly they will quickly give you cash to keep quiet!

And so we come to the end of a very pieced together article on love, why guys love psycho chicks, why vain and superficial people (Most of us at SLXS) love the chase, and also how to make money during a recession.

Don’t tell me I don’t have your best interests at heart!

*Applause*

*It’s 12:14 am Friday*

– Sean fades out –

Sean Lloyd

Editor