Did you catch the game?

I don’t think we did too badly, you know, after being written off by some people…Well done guys.

Chilling

And AT Bishops! Stunning.

Sean Lloyd

Editor 

Everyone is talking about Michael Schumacher being The Stig…but we’re not! Instead, some photos from Armin Van Buuren last week! I know it’s taken a while due to various factors, but you know, better late than never. Honestly, Armin is a God. There’s not much to say about him. Just get lost in the beat. I want him to sign my kids heads one day, as soon as they’re born. Weird? Not when it’s God we’re talking about:

 Armin Van Buuren IS a God!

My shoes…I know…

So yeah that’s pretty much the angle Cape Town is going for at the moment.

MENTAL!

Sean Lloyd

Editor 

To those of you who use Gillette Mach 3 blades, you will know what an utter ball breaker it currently is trying to get blades. Not as in availability, but just the price of these ridiculous things.

Correct me if I’m wrong, but there was a time when I was paying about R100 for eight at Dis-Chem.

Suddenly Gillette think “Ooooooh recession!” and feel the need to mark their stuff up a hundred percent. I think the 8 pack at Dis Chem is now R200 odd rand. That’s just a price double up, just like that. No stress…

I go for the regular Mach 3 blades, not the Turbo, or the M3 Power. I mean come on, how stupid are consumers? Do we really think a “special coating” on the blade is going to give a smoother shave with less friction? Did anyone actually notice a difference between regular Mach 3 blades and the M3 Power?

I have an M3 Power because I lost my old razor, but I couldn’t notice much difference with the new blade.

Blade on the left: R30. Blade on the right: R40

The only difference is that it is R10 more per blade. If you think of how many millions of blades Gillette sell, and if they can easily make R10 more per blade (25% of the actual blade price) their profits are going to inflate vastly. Imagine if every company were to simply inflate their prices by 25%? Wouldn’t we ask questions? Does no one ask ANY questions about Gillette?

Because surely they are now pushing the limits of a sane price barrier?

I think it’s time to invest in a cut throat blade, take our lives back to the very old school!

But I’d never be able to shave my balls with a cut throat…

Sean Lloyd

Editor 

From tonights performance, maybe we need performance based foods? Something natural that is not herbal, Gibbs. I’m not a nutritionist, but I know a fair amount about nutrition. It’s not that difficult really.

KFC and Lays = toxic body. It’s bad for both mental and physical performance.

I’m just saying…having biff on a packet of MSG isn’t THE best idea.

Nor are our boys buckets.

Biffs dinner?

Kallis’ pick me up?

Again, I’m just saying there might be a correlation here.

Just dropping it out there. It’s out now. Play with it. While playing with yourself.

Sean Lloyd

Editor 

Apologies for the radio silence, winter sometimes gets me down. I’m back up now, albeit on one leg, but it’s all good

It’s always nice to see that in the day of promiscuity, STD’s, drunken driving and filthy crack fuelled binges, that there is one shining beacon of light amongst the drugs and sex.

Sterk Kinekor have taken an old school approach to pleasure and myself and Charlie V were kicking it around the movies the other day (Read: Checking out chicks) when he pointed this scene out.

Scene 1 Take 1:

Awesome! Personally, touching on a bit rude, but I think it’s a fair message, especially when you think of what all the school girls get up to these days, you would plutz! In a way it’s a gesture of health and prosperity to see them promoting some self service by giving yourself a handski.

It’s also cheaper because no one takes their hand out to dinner and you aren’t obliged to give your hand a birthday present or an anniversary present or a Christmas present or a Valentines day present.

P.S Sit on your hand until it goes numb but don’t tell anyone you heard that from me. Ok?

Ok cool. (And use lube no one likes those dry winter hands ok I must go now my folks are calling me its cold outside its Friday see you at Bishops rugby on Saturday)

Sean Lloyd

Editor 

I was chatting to some family members, both direct and extended over this story of a pensioner who has just won a lot of sex, drugs, cars and a glimpse at what Cristiano Ronaldo lives every day. Someone piped up, very irritatingly,

“But why does it always happen to people like that?”

Meaning old people, who probably won’t be able to abuse the money as much as we do at our age. I replied casually:

“It happens to people like that who are not idiots and take the 2 minutes out of their life to simple buy a lottery ticket”

Silence. It was though I had just closed a car door on a kid.

“Oh but the chance of winning is so slight”

Yeah, I’m sure slight is a word that our boy Brian Caswell has in his dictionary.

“Oh my wept, I’m SLIGHTLY tired today, let me pour a SLIGHT drink, light a SLIGHT pipe, and go relax because hot damn I’m loaded!”

Brian Caswell, 73, won some 25 million pounds. I don’t know the exchange rate today, but it works out at…oh…a BUS LOAD.

Brian Caswell: Fairly chilled individual

The reason you didn’t win it was because you never had a ticket. We’ve already seen Neal Wanless (HERE) winning $232 million in thePowerball lottery. Um oh yeah Neal is 23 years old. He’s retired.

Brian is a little elder, but trust me, at that age you CAN and WILL enjoy 25 million in pounds. You will be able to recapture your youth. You’ll basically be banging Bar Rafaeli by the end of the week.

It just goes to show, the lottery treats you equally well whether you are young or old. One things for sure, work is not a word that will ever be spoken again in your dictionary should you take the ticket and win.

But you’ll never live the dream if you don’t take the ticket.

To buy tickets to the exact same lottery that guarantees Brian stress free living, simply see below.

The money looks very healthy to me.

“Healthy” in reference to money is a word we use in the trading industry. It means good.

Chase the dream, click below:

Sean Lloyd

Editor 

As you know there is a mad rush for tickets to Armin Van Buuren tonight, and I’ve heard reports of tickets on Gumtree going for over R1000 — mental. Especially seeing as though I’m rolling the best tickets in the house at no cost. And while everyone struggles for parking, I’ll simply roll into the platinum parking area, BOOM!

Tickets are all gone and I’m being offered many sexual favours to organise tickets, but come on kids, we’ve been promoting this event for weeks now!

Trying to get tickets now is basically like trying to organise Gisele Bundchen to go to your matric dance tonight…it’s not happening.
Anyway I’m out for the day, buying day-glo paint, party sticks, accessories, couple cigars, couple other things that will catch alight and so on and so forth.

If you see me tonight come say howzit, we’re going to be rolling…

Everyone without tickets is hating!

Sean Lloyd

Editor

So it’s Sunday, closing in on 11pm and I’m up, further immersing myself into my dark and mysterious winter character. This takes some time as I further delve deep into my character, shutting off from society and sinking deep into my own world.

This is accomplished with many solitary hours of writing and music, like any respectable agent should be doing. So I’m stuck in the hotel room scene and the iPod is rolling Coldplay’s The Scientist and Yellow, not to mention 2am by Anna Nalick. It set’s the stage for the sort of mood that I need to thrive in winter.

So Chris Martin ends off his tune, and it rolls onto “Crash Into Me” by The Dave Matthews Band. So I’m chilling, not expecting anything porno when Dave suddenly hits us with a big one! Enjoy these lines:

Hike up your skirt a little more

And show the world to me

Hike up your skirt a little more

And show your world to me.

Good grief Dave! Say what you really mean next time!

It’s weird that you have songs on iTunes and you listen to them, but never too deeply, then the day of the Lord comes around and…BANG…you find some saucy lyrics.

Sundays are SO nuclear around here at the moment!

Mercurial some might say…

Sean Lloyd

Editor

So we’ve all had the Megan Fox stage but obviously I got over it fairly quickly when I realised she has what is described as a “club thumb” (HERE)

The Fox’s club thumb

I’m a bit of a stickler, so this will not do. I know none of us is perfect. For instance, I have this massive growth.In my pants…

If you’re wondering, and I know you are, I didn’t mean for there to be a double meaning in “header” in the title. It just came off that way.

Lucky for me, I’ve quickly claimed a replacement in the form of the latest movie star angel, Kristen Stewart. I’ve previously had a thing for Taylor Swift, but suddenly seem to be drawn to that dark, deep, mysterious energy that Kristen literally chucks out at me. It also doesn’t hurt that she is American.

Those of you who know me realise I have this weird thing for Americans. I was in Exclusive Books the other day (Trucker cap tipped low, collar of tracksuit top flipped high, like Leo — avoiding fans) and I heard this American accent. Well I tell you, I never! I suddenly had this weak feeling, but it dipped as soon as I realised the word “bay-beeee!” was being spoken to another man.

Then she turned around and was no oil painting…but that accent…wow. It had me for a second.

Anyway so ja this Kristen Stewart girl…I think there is something going on between her and myself. Firstly, I hire Twilight on Friday night to watch by myself (I need complete isolation from society at the moment…I’m going for the dark, tortured soul type vibe at the moment)  and Kristen Stewart is in it. I then pump a message through to my creative director, letting him know how hot this bird is. He let’s me know that she is the same chick that I had a thing for in Into The Wild. So I hire this Twilight film firstly to try and get into the minds of why these people are so pale. Well it turns out they’re like vampires and stuff. But the Robert Pattinson guy is also so pale in real life.

Kristen Stewart with a weird, random fan standing behind her

Well so is Kristen Stewart. Leading me to believe they’re real life vampires. And I’m attracted to Kristen in real life. So if you’ve seen the film, I’m the normal one attracted to a vampire, like Kristen was attracted to Robert Pattinsons vampire character.

Sooooo…Kristen will probably want to suck my blood. Which is a little disturbing and gross, especially seeing as though my biggest and easiest vain to get blood from is not in my neck. To set the record straight.

But you’re sitting around on a Saturday night, isolated and Counting Crows are playing, do you expect anything less? Do you expect anything less than pipe smoking and bizarre behaviour, stray thoughts? Let’s pull ourselves together man, before we sidetrack this whole event.

(A bit of information on the formulation of this piece. I had been “writing” for what felt like over an hour, and then I went to grab my pipe, and came back, and there was nothing open on my computer that I was writing. I had essentially been playing with thoughts in my head for an hour, but felt like I had written a complete story. So I had written an entire story in my mind, and believed it to have actually been written. The implications this has with my current mental state is absolutely overpowering to any force currently in existence. So now you know…ok…)

You’ve probably been checking Kristen Stewart out but sorry for you…I’ve just taken her. You don’t have anything next to your name saying she is yours. I do. I have this article and the entire internet backing me up.

You may as well not even begin to think about her because karma will roundhouse kick you.

Then I was watching Adventureland on Saturday just after spending a few bucks getting a pipe at Cock ‘n Bull (Not getting a cock pipe…easily confused) and once again Kristen showed her face! So she appears in my life on Friday night (Isolated) and then on Saturday afternoon (In public)

I think this is a sign of good things to come. She always seems to play a little bit of a mysterious character, leading me to believe she is in fact dark and mysterious in real life. Which if I must not lie to you and be honest here, appeals to me in the most erotic sense my mind can currently conjure. And it’s conjuring custard, a small person of Asian descent and caramelised sugar…but that’s for another time, like my THERAPISTS CHAIR.

I’m really quite into mysterious people, because you’re always walking a fine line between an amazing time in bed, and waking up with her sawing your piece off with a teaspoon. Or just stabbing you. Nothing makes you feel more alive than sleeping lightly because you think you might be killed. Every little creak is a thunderstorm, every gust of wind is a hurricane, every breath is a tornado, every movement an earthquake. It’s quite enlightening really.

On that note I must be off. I’m just going to go put my hand on the stove.

Makes me feel alive.

And no you cannot think about, or talk about Kristen Stewart. Owned already!

Sean Lloyd

Editor 

Phil Spector is currently looking very clean and very unlike a pedophile.

Phil Spector: Your average looking man  in the street with a penchant for looking like a kiddy fiddler

He’s actually the type of man that, should I one day bust into a room full of lingerie models in my lumberjack outfit, with an axe over my shoulder, and shout “I’ve travelled 500 miles to give you my seed”, and then have children with said models, I would ask Phil to look after my kids, especially since they are two boys and two girls.

“So Uncle Phillus is going to be looking after you kids. He is very hygiene orientated so let him bathe you, and also feed you. He will be sleeping in your bed because I really like to take care of you, and Phil will protect you”

Ja, that’s how the story would go.

Sean Lloyd

Editor 

“Man you won’t believe, I was up until 3am last night, and I’ve managed to do a manual overdrive on the PCU, 1GB RAM water cooled central induction system on the new IBM atomic web book”

“Oh my WORD that’s so cool!” i say, while puffing away on a cigar, trying to remember what that girls name was at 91 last night.

Computer people like to come across as clever, and snigger when I’m playing on a computer and break something, because it gives them so much joy to fix it in a minute and then call me stupid.

Well if stupid is out until 3am partying like a rockstar pre-warming-matching for Armin Van Buuren rolling with Platinum Tickets when VIP are already sold out, then slap me around and call me stupid.

The fact is, anyone who works with computers wouldn’t be such an idiot and put all the things where my USB (Uninterrupted Sex Bomb) stick goes into, so close together.

Look at this! It’s a complete mess.

Two or three or four USB ports on top of each other, with a line for my ADSL cable thingy. INTELLIGENT. And then the rest of the back of the case is left open, like a wide desert plain.

This is like putting your toilet right next to your sink right next to an ADT hut. It makes no damn sense.

Oh look at me I’m Bill Gates I’m the clevererest man in the….SHUT UP! Shut your face! POW!

You’re an idiot for designing these stupid things so close together.

And don’t even get me started on that sound card that Al gore designed. That is ridiculous.

And please, for the love of Herschel, can we drop the word “geeks”

Crisis in MY life.

Sean Lloyd

Editor

Ladies and gentleman! You will NOT believe what just happened!

Neil Patrick Harris Poon Handler came careering down my road and crashed his unicorn into my lounge right this very moment! In the process, my little love casket was knocked off the mantlepiece and into the fire. However, it’s contents were kept safe as they spilled out away from the fire and onto my faux fur throw. And the contents are for you my love.

I like to think of this gift not as a vulgar display of wealth, but rather as a personal touch of kindness, because I keep you in a locket around my neck and you are always close to my heart.

Albert Einstein already proved that, so you don’t need to confirm with Stephen Hawking. Celia at the Engen petrol station (Angel) knows that my random acts of kindness cannot have a price put on them.

So I have a little gift for one of you (Only one, a special one)

I was bamboozling through Cavendish yesterday and because life is so fabulous at the moment, I nipped into the health store to get you some soap. Not just any soap, the purest, most beloved soap in my life. I use it, so you know it’s good. What’s even better, is that I personally purchased this soap and I have in fact touched it. Therefore, when using it, you are basically rubbing a little bit of me onto you.And we all know you’re a little dirrrrrrrrty.

And because I know you loved my Moleskine post, I bought you the most adorable little pink notebooks. Plutz?!!!

Too divine for words!

YES!

You can scribble the most delicious little notes in them, write down boys names (NAUGHTY!)  or just keep a track of your many dinner dates in them (SAUCY DEVIL!)

They’re so cute that I actually bought two, but I ate the one up. Om nom nom!

So all you need to do is send me an e-mail (seanl (at) slxs (dot) co (dot) za) with your name and postal address, or work address should you wish to have this parcel of love delivered to your preferred place of wasting time during the day while getting paid.

It’s available only for the ladies (Guys I know you’re drooling over the pink notebooks but show some restraint…come on man! Come on Gunners!)  and you can be in Cape Town or Joburg. Or Pretoria, but then you won’t be reading this because Pretoria still deal in telegrams. So anywhere in South Africa.

I will then post them to you, and BANG, happy days.

Don’t be afraid to send photos with your e-mail, I’m pretty open to that. In fact…very…

But yeah go go go!

I will randomly choose a name from my magic hat.

Um we should have a closing date for this hey? Ok *thumb suck* next Wednesday.

GO!

Kisses

Sean Lloyd

Editor 

Well, at least I’ve just gotten off the phone with his voice message. But because we’re basically best friends ( I call him C Ron — “See-Ron”) I know what he’s saying to all the people criticising him for his move from Manchester United to Real Madrid.

Basically, he doesn’t care a damn! For all you “bloggers”, “sports fanatics” and “Mancs”, can we please shut up now? Ronaldo doesn’t care what you have to say, and he doesn’t care who you are.

All he cares about is that he is awesome! A few photos of our guy:

“Yeah make that one supermodel with a side of lingerie”

Worried about life

“IMAGINE being a plebb ha ha ha!”

Seriously, does he look stressed? Does he look like he cares about your pathetic comments?

NO! So get back to your pathetic lives, take some Xanax, Oxycontin, Lithium, whatever.

He’s really not that interested, and neither am I. I’ve got a couch and an X-Box that need attention. And YOU young lady will be getting plenty of attention should you continue to wear those denim hotpants on winter!

SMACK!

Sean Lloyd

Editor 

I was chatting to this bird last night and trying to impress her with my very superficial ways, telling her that I’m an ex-model. Looking at my ageing looks today she did not believe me! Dammit!

Savage!

So I dug through the archives, and while not a GQ model, I did my time for The Cape Argus…you know how it goes…you have to somehow afford crack when you’re a kid. I was living in a trash can!

The offending piece comes from the Cape Argus, Wednesday July 19, 1995. It’s been nearly 14 years since my great appearance, and it’s not surprising that newspapers are on the way out, now that I’ve given up the cocaine/champagne world of child modelling.

It was so hectic in the day. I used to date this other child model, her name was Gisele. Or Kelly Brook or something.

No wait, Gisele was in my broek.

Koek!

Sean Lloyd

Editor 

Charlie V gave this to me (Jeepers, I’m a poet and I didn’t even know it! — Thanks Skateboard J)

It’s good to see that Terrace in Stellenbosch also like to avoid the recession like the boys and girls at SLXS.

Keeping it real, all year.

Sean Lloyd

Editor