I’ve often been slated for taking a bit of a harsh line on some people due to various eating issues. Perfectionism is something I might strive towards, some might say. The thing is, if you were to build the world up from nothing, wouldn’t you want it perfect? Wouldn’t you want models everywhere? My stance comes from one of promoting only the best, and if I were to promote Oprah over Gisele in the salad department, no one would believe in what I do, because it would be fake. And so I do tend to hang out with people who promote this image, 24 hours a day. If I weren’t living what I were writing, there would be no credibility. And so that explains the angle I took on the Smarties article (HERE).

So anyway, I had spent a day galavanting and was in need of a Red Bull (Before class!) so I pitched the VR3 into the 24 hour Woolworths/Engen in Claremont for a tin of the potent stuff. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a pack of city dogs came running up, with one delirious one jumping up at me, reaching for the throat of fury. Another tried to grab my wallet, it’s paws morphing into the hands of a regular magician.

“What in God’s name is this?!” I shouted, blood spewing from my wounds. My wallet was now hanging out of the torn pocket of my G-Star jeans, my ID hanging loose for all the angels to quite clearly grab my name.

“What do you want from me?!”I shouted to the closest petrol attendant.   I stumbled into Engen, shreds of jeans running amok on my legs, shards of wallet piercing the atmosphere like a tracer bullet.

“Gimme all you got” I said to the Red Bull fridge.  ”I’ll give you all you can afford, you philthy animal” Out rolled one Red Bull. I limped to the counter, but before my destination, before my ETA, I was interrupted. Everything people had said against me for my previous remarks came flooding back in one bouncing ball of emotion. I tried to shed a tear, but all that came out was Kryptonite.

“Right…At least Cadbury’s agree with me” I said in my Marlboro man accent. Even though I was rolling Kent Nano at the time. This is what the 24 hour Woolworths is stocking at the moment in their chocolate section.

I think it’s preposterous that people berate me for saying something on Smarties, when Cadbury’s blatantly mention that their product is not for girls. No doubt due to thunder thighs and orange peel effect. So watch out people, if you put a carb wrong, know that Cadbury’s have their creamy little eyes on you.

Fade to black.

Coldplay “Trouble” ushers the scene out.

Sean Lloyd

Editor