From time to time we all suffer erection problems, myself included.

We do…don’t…we?

Anyhoo, I’m sticking with the story that we all do.

It is sometimes stress, the weather, having pulled a minger the previous week and going off chicks for a while etc etc and so on…

Well I’ve just found viagra at Woolworths!

After GQ printed my letter, I was once again thrust back into my school days…or should I say school daze? Days of smoke filled shenanigans, chicks, booze, junk food, chilling, the best days! And so I dug deep into my hard drive, past the Mongolian Pole Smoker videos, past the chick getting hammered by a horse, even deeper still, past the photos of myself, past the videos of myself, past all those filthy times from school.

And then I found the holy grail…Super Troopers.

I was once again reminded of maple syrup and how awesome it actually is. I used to have this thing against Americans because I always saw them pouring maple syrup over their stacks of waffles and flapjacks for breakfast, and I thought it was disgusting. Then I watched American Pie and suddenly anything with an American accent was hot.

“Hey you! Obama…I’ll do you!”

Because all those years I had been trying to chug regular cane syrup that was maple flavoured. Oh, big difference!

Real maple syrup is from Canada and is of a thin consistency, fluid and drinkable. I’m not joking you can drink it. The flavour is not that of a sugar sweetness, and I can tell you I have drunk nearly the entire 250ml jar by itself. I was walking through Cavendish drinking it, because I’m a filthy whore.

A few interesting points on maple syrup. The Woolworths maple syrup is from the forest of Quebec in Canada. Now Canada produces more than 80% of the worlds maple syrup, producing some 26.5 million litres in 2005. The most interesting thing for me is that production is centred around February, March and April. So in that time, they make all the maple syrup. CRISIS IN MY LIFE they must work hard! Freezing nights and warm days are needed to induce the sap flow from the maple tree. So if Al Gore buggers this whole earth thing up, blame him for not having maple syrup! More on Maple Syrup HERE, on WikiWiki where I got my information from.

Get it inside you

Then once I had come off the high (Both) from Cavendish I needed something to lift my spirits, to once again make my erection stand loud, proud and rowdy! I was busy mixing up the most exquisite little batch of coffee when I forewent (Is that a word?) the sugar and replaced it with maple syrup. Take a moment to think of your current sexual problems. They will be solved because with this mixture, you will jizz in your pants. And to the girls, you will have the first orgasm you have had since dating tool bag.

This stuff is that good. It’s either that I’m just rad at life, and therefore rad at making coffee, or it’s the quality of the Woolworths Organic coffee and the Woolworths Organic Maple Syrup.

The first thing when making coffee is to grind your own beans. It’s the only way to do it, and the only way I do it. Then get some good maple syrup and go wild. Just pour it on. Pour it on your breasts. Get that glint in your eye, pout the lips, touch yourself…there… Think of me while you’re doing this.

And then tomorrow you’ll break up with your boyfriend. Call me babes!

But seriously now, I’m telling you right now that maple syrup will change your life. Not cane syrup flavoured like maple syrup. I’m talking the real deal.

For a 250ml jar at Woolworths, it’s R75. Hey? No don’t worry, there is no recession, we’ve spoken about this before.

The only problem is when to stop? How much coffee can you drink in a day without killing yourself? I’m nearly half a bag of beans down and nearly a whole bottle of syrup down, and the end is not near. I’m anxious, I cannot blink and I have a raging boner. I can only liken doing all this stuff to making like Jason Statham in Crank. I’m about to spin off the planet.

Your basic insomniac kit

Maybe this was a bad idea. The two Red Bulls probably aren’t helping either. The ephedrine can’t be too healthy either.

Dammit, I get addicted to everything I do.

That’s why I’m addicted to you.

Sean Lloyd

Editor