So I’m at a friends birthday party who I find sexually erotic and delicious extremely gorgeous, and it was a combined party with her friend who is also an absolute belter. We’re at their Hout Bay “house”, but it’s more like a middle sized country. Apparently they even had to have their own election, choosing a president, mayor and all that stuff. They pump oil, grow vegetables, deal in slave labour and laugh at the poor, so it’s basically you’re regular first world vibe right there.

I’m just chilling, leaning slightly forward, bum out, throwing out the vibe (Oh cool story — I never came right, WHAT a surprise!) at the fire and wondering how on earth everyone at the party just happened to be professional models, when two guys just kind of lose all composure at the fire and pass out. And what do we do when people pass out?

Normally we’d draw dicks on them in permanent marker, but we didn’t have permanent marker. So we built a braai on them.

Then threw a bench on top of them.

Oh…and the wheel barrow.

Success!

You must remember now that during this whole time they didn’t wake up. I’m not sure how they are, I just kind of left after that.

But really whaaaaaaaaaaa ha ha ha! How funny is that?

That’s the sort of thing though that happens in The Republic of Wood Bay, so while you might think “wow”, everyone in Wood Bay doesn’t even bat an eyelid.

Wood Bay is characterised by massive spliffs and a chilled vibe. You’d be crazy not to have a dos with a wheel barrow on you!

SICK TIMES!

So yeah, that’s basically what I do for a living. I guess someone has to do it!

(Oh yeah and to the angel in the photo, add me on Facebook, I think it’s your boyfriend we need to tag in the photos…It is VITAL that this reaches Facebook)

Sean Lloyd

Editor 

So I’m chilling back at this house party/ birthday party soiree at a girlfriends house (ABSOLUTE BELTER, mind you…) in Hout Bay on Sunday night and I’m chatting to my mate Jamo’s girlfriend, you know asking how he is and more importantly, why was he missing out on the party. So Jamo’s girlfriend let’s me know he’s working, and he’s also chucking to Austria very soon for flying a paper jet. I started panicking, checking if no one had slipped some acid in my drink, or God forbid, a roofie…That would have been cool, because then someone would have taken full advantage of me and at least I would have come right.

ENOUGH about my personal life though, thank you very much.

So anyway, I think Jamo was cruising through UCT campus or something and they were having trials for the Red Bull Paper Wings competition. Jamo decided at the last minute to pull in and make a jet…and the guy cracks it! BOOM! On a plane to Austria. That’s how Jamo rolls…he’s like that. I just grabbed a completely random pic from his Facebook page:

Jamo — This is how he always looks.

So they’re flying these people in from all over the world, to fly paper jets. Wait…please enjoy this profile pic from Jamo’s Facebook page:

Ha ha YES!

So Red Bull continue to live the rock star lifestyle in the midst of an economic recession, I actually love it! They are rock star and so am I, hence the one or two Red Bulls on my desk.

Riiiiiiight…

Anyway, click HERE for more on this Red Bull Worldwide Paper Plane contest.

It’s pretty rad if you ask me!

So good luck Jamo, kick some ass!

Kick his ass Seabass!

Sean Lloyd

Editor 

I tend to forget things that I write, and I see people in public and they mention something hilarious that I wrote, and then I just kind of play along, because I have long since forgotten what I wrote and don’t want my fans to feel awkward in my no doubt astonishing presence.

In all honesty I forget most of the stuff I write due to the sheer amount that I write and my mental state at the time. What you read here is but a small part of the prose that flows out of my mind. I also forget what magazines I write to and what article and letters I submit, because I do it so often. GQ have been somewhat good to me and about three years ago I cleaned up on their winning letters. I can’t even remember the amount of times I’ve been published in the GQ letters page. For some reason they just dig the vibe I chuck out.

So I received an e-mail today from Max asking if it was indeed me in the letters page of the May 2009 GQ, and not some fool impostor. I had completely forgotten that I wrote to them, but then I opened my GQ and it was indeed me! Mentions in mainstream media used to give me a raging hard on, but not anymore. But I thought you needed to see this, brings back some high school memories.

This months GQ: I’m basically INSIDE them…saucy…

Here is the letter I wrote to GQ:

Dear GQ

When I was in high school , my buddies and I used to go on these massive missions, getting as high as was humanely possible and then embarking on road trips. We believed we were Hunter S Thompson — minus the mescaline, acid, coke, ether and amyls. At the time, we had also watched Super Troopers and there was a scene where the guys tell the cop he is crossing the border for “French fries and gravy — protein”

Now at the time, I realised that this was a joke because it was a stoner movie. Then I read the Jan/Feb issue of GQ, and there on page 121 it said, ‘Protein — Foods rich in protein, like potatoes…’ I don’t know if I live in a parallel universe like Leo did in The Beach, but this is completely mind-bending. Where are these potatoes that GQ and Super Troopers speak of? I love potatoes, but I just checked my bag of sweet potatoes and they contain only 1.1g of protein per 100g. Say I need 70g of protein per day, I would need to eat some 6kg of sweet potatoes per day. For me to do this, I would need to be smoking a load of chronic for munchies that are out of this world.

You guys must have been smoking weed while writing that article (Or watching some Super Troopers, or both) because I fail to see how potatoes are high in protein.

Sean Lloyd

P.S If you guys are smoking, let me know what it is. It sounds like some good shit.

GQ’s response:

White Widow, Northern Lights, Rooibard, AK-47, Pineapple, Blueberry Kush and potatoes. You have a point. The potato is mostly strach and water. The protein content is 1.87g, which, according to the International Year of the Potato website, is ‘high’ in comparison to other roots and tubers. Check it out.

So that’s it my readers! I trust that fulfilled your need to delve deep into every aspect of my life.

Short of making sweet love to each and every one of you, I don’t think there is much more I can do, especially on a public holiday!

I trust I have fulfilled your deepest desires for my celebrity.

Prost!

So grab the GQ, this months issue really is a cracker, and not just because it contains a piece of me. It’s really good!

Sean Lloyd

Editor 

Obviously it’s now winter, and a lot of guys are going “Shit son, I didn’t get a girlfriend in summer, I’m in for a cold winter!”

And this is where Clicks come in. In a sort of sneaky way. The world is so censored these days that everything has to be hidden in some sort of code. Da Vinci code, chicks giving us all sorts of looks that FHM and Cosmo “decode” for us, drinks that somehow reflect your sexuality.

So if you’re a guy drinking a Brutal Fruit at a club, this immediately makes you gay. Did no one ever stop to think that Brutal Fruit just tastes really good?

Car’s apparently also hide some sort of sexuality code. A guy driving a BMW 1 series convertible, or a similar small convertible is suddenly gay. The world really is mental!

Anyway, Clicks have put together what is probably the most comprehensive kit for any guy wanting to come right without relying on his natural charm. It’s perfect for the Maths/ Chess nerd, or anyone lacking in skills with the opposite sex.

Great!

Let’s take a look at the products on the back page of their catalogue, labeled “Essentials”:

Eye drops. Mmmmmm the old eye drops! Three or four drops in a drink and you’re guaranteed action!

O’My Bed Warmer. For when your “date” is out cold.

Durex Condoms. Clicks promoting responsible unresponsible sex.

K.Y Gel. Because you have to be awake to produce…well…ahem.

Biral, which is a “mild tranquiliser of natural origin” Good grief Clicks, what are we teaching the youth? Eye drops and tranquiliser, all under the “Essentials”! Essential for what? The up and coming pedophile? The up and coming Bundy, Fritzl?
We won’t actually go anymore into this, I think we all get the picture of what Clicks are promoting.
Naughty…

Sean Lloyd

Editor 

I meet some brilliant people in my day to day shenanigans, some unique people, and then…shall we say, some alternative people.

So I’m chatting to this chick the other day…no…wait…I was going to call her alternative, but if I must be honest with myself, this chick was a complete CLUTCH PLATE!

I somehow got off the topic of myself and how awesome I am, and we were onto fashion, her calling me a slave to trends and all this rubbish, which to be honest, is true, but if you’re going to be calling me this, you better damn well be an individual in the truest sense of the word. In the Keith Richards sense of the word.

So there she is, Mrs “I strive to not conform so much that I actually conform anyway” She was telling me how she parties only in Obz and how she wears what she wants. What she was wearing however, was the classic bohemian outfit, so favoured by the so called “non conformists” The bohemian outfit no doubt inspired by Sienna Miller. The hippy, fairy worshipping earth children. Flowing earth dresses and Ugg style boots. Stupid fairy clips in her hair. Glitter on her face. She was the type of person who will go to Rocking The Daisies, buy some ridiculous shirt saying “I’m Green”, but then fail to do anything else with her life that is actually eco-friendly, other than hugging trees while she’s tripping on acid.

I was waiting for a daisy to sprout from her head because she’s so in touch with planetary cycles.

I was waiting for her to fill her car up with biofuel, fermented from algae.

Sienna Miller Obz Style

So anyway, it just struck me as odd that while she was going out of her way to tell me that I’m a typical city person, following trends and all that, she was basically a walking trend herself. Why is it that every non conformist goes to Obz? Why is it that every non conformist chick that goes to Obz wears the same fairy rubbish as all of the rest of the people?

Surely if we’re all individuals, we’d all dress differently?

Seriously, am I on crazy pills?

I just feel like I’m going mad. Every alternative person does the same stuff as every other alternative person, in some twisted sense making them conformists. All emo’s wear black, GHD their hair and look as if their best look would be that of being attached to the party end of a shotgun.

They all look about as happy as bloodshed.

In the end, we all conform to something anyway. I conform to awesome, but hey, thats just me.

So while you’re drinking your cider in Obz and being friendly to everything, I’ll be at Chevelle drinking a ridiculously overpriced Red Bull and something or other, and judging everyone that walks past me.

Vain, superficial and shallow? Guilty.

Honest? Always.

And it’s in the honesty that we should be judged.

Sean Lloyd

Editor 

They always say you should respect your elders.

I say you should respect your elders, unless they are seriously taking the piss. For this, it’s maximum respect!  The only newspaper I ever buy is The Sunday Times, so I can read the lifestyle section. I have no interest in the news because it’s all a load of rubbish. Every newspaper in the world is about sensationalism, and I must be honest, I’m more chilled not reading the news.

So anyway I was reading the page on Wilbur Smith today entitled “My Cape Town”

Not too sure of the Panama Hat goes with running shoes

Now it’s clear that we are in a recession, not because I say so, but because I keep hearing people talk about it.

“Mmmmm had to sell off all my kids again. Yip, all gone. Little Timmy? Working on a rice paddy in Tibet. Little Johnny? Training to be a Navy Seal. Sarah? Oh she’s doing some “personal work” in Amsterdam”

And then there’s Wilbur Smith!

Check this question they posed to him:

If you inherited R100 million, what would you do with it?

His answer:

“Peanuts! It wouldn’t even buy a decent private jet. Let’s talk real money”

NOOOOOOOOOO! No come on Wilbur, please tell me you’re making a joke here?

I can get away with saying this, because clearly I don’t have R100 million, so if I was saying it, it would be funny in a sarcastic sort of way. People would laugh because clearly I would be taking the piss.

But we know you’re mega wealthy, I do just hope you’re having a light hearted poke at the recession.

You are aren’t you?

Because HONESTLY, who in their right mind speaks like that?!!

I mean come on, to even wealthy people, no one talks about money like that. Not in such a flamboyant sense. I’m all for vulgar displays of wealth, I really am, but this? Pushing it a touch.

The thing is, if you were my age, you could probably get away with this. If I had your wealth, I could get away with this, because the sheer awesomeness of speaking about money like that at 24 years old would be hilarious. But at your age it’s just starting to come off as a touch…shall we say…recession unaware?

Don’t get me wrong, I know all about arrogance. We’re all arrogant. All humans are. We all think that in some way, we are awesome. We all think the world wouldn’t go on were we not here.

Wait maybe that’s just me.

Anyway, I do hope you were drunk or high, or being sarcastic when you called R100 million “peanuts”

I’ll be honest, I haven’t read your books, or much on you. I tend to go for reading with unnecessary sexual references, and reading that requires very little brain power, such as my own writing. I also enjoyed My Booky Wook by Russell Brand for it’s decadent drug use and sex addiction (HERE)

So I don’t really know your humour or your vibe in general.

But I take it that this is some sort of in joke, speaking of R100 million like it’s a bag of coal.

Vulgar displays of arrogance like this are fine if you’re under 30, because they’re then just hilarious, but at your age? Pure arrogance. Nice! No but really I hope you’re joking, because R100 million is quite a bit of money.

If you’re load shedding your bank account, mine is “Power Down”, so any excess can slip into my account.

Sean Lloyd

Editor 

Armin Van Buuren is set to ignite Cape Town at the Godskitchen event of June 2009, possibly setting the entire of Cape Town on fire.

Van Buuren, voted the worlds number one DJ, will be playing the Godskitchen event on Monday 15 June at The Bellville Velodrome.

That’s all the information that is currently available, so check back for more details on Armin Van Buuren live in Cape Town.

UPDATE: Click HERE for more information.

UPDATE UPDATE: Buy tickets for Armin van Buuren in Cape Town over HERE.

Sean Lloyd

Editor

Ok, I don’t quite know how to put this or if I should put this at all, but I’m a humanitarian of sorts and I’m throwing this out there.

Lindsay Lohan can come and stay with me for a month. Obviously the life will be terrible, with this being the average view from the pool, if we choose to stay at the villa:

I’ve never really considered having a movie star stay with me but I’m at the point in my life where I feel it’s right. Obviously the lifestyle will have certain advantages, such as the Cape Town crowd being so casual around celebrities that you will pretty much blend into the background and no one will take notice of you.You’ll be free to do whatever you like!

We’ll also probably be making a music video in that time, so you may care to take part in it. I think we’ll have Nash producing, with Swaz playing creative director.

Cape Town is essentially what you need to sort your life out, get away from L.A and all the shenanigans and centre your vibe. Your accommodation will be sorted, you’ll be hanging with the crew all the time (Those of you who form part of my crew and have day jobs WILL take a months leave)

I think it will be cool to chill, we’ll be spending ridiculous amounts of time exploring leisure pursuits, chilling shooting the breeze, coming up with sick new creative ideas and videos, and basically things will kick along at a slow pace.

We’re pretty used to hanging around celebrities as we essentially have to hang around ourselves the whole time, so we can do “celeb”.

So, Lindsay Lohan, if you’re keen to escape the craziness of L.A, or wherever you are now, and keen to spend a month or whatever in the raddest city in the world, then you can contact me.

Details? Drop me a line at seanl (at) slxs (dot) co (dot) za

We’ll organise and you can come kick it with the crew.

So get in contact, live the dream.

Sean Lloyd

Editor

I’ve posted one or two of my own, and this one is not mine, Marcel claimed this:

“Marcel still has no family members amongst his Facebook friends and can thus safely post that he had sex with an Asian circus midget last night. He could even upload graphic photos if he wanted to.”

YES! That is what I’m talking about!

Victory!

Sean Lloyd

Editor

I got these weird messages on my cellular telephonic device yesterday, I think in the evening. I lost track of time watching so much Top Gear, but anyway.

So I get my first message yesterday (I’m very aroused):

“We can win a majority in the Western Cape, but only if every DA supporter votes. Maak asseblief seker dat u stem vandag, en stem DA. Groete, Helen Zille”

I’m not too sure how Helli Belli got my number, but I’m cool with it, she’s a cool chick.

Just chilling babes!

I then got one later on:

“Dankie as u al gestem het. If not, please vote before 9pm. Vote to win. Steam DA. Skakel (random number) vir hulp. Groete, Helen Zille. Reply STOP to unsubscribe”

I think what’s happening is that Helen in fact really digs the sick vibe I throw out, but she tried to make the message sound like it was sent as a bulk message by throwing in the “Reply STOP to unsubscribe” part at the end.

Babes if you want to go for coffee or something, just go straight out…ask me.

And I speak Engels, ek praat fokol van die taal, so you don’t have to send Afrikaans/English messages.

Kisses.

xxx

Sean Lloyd

Editor 

I’ve basically been attached to Top Gear through my TV (New invention, I’m claiming it) the entire day, while the Cape Town weather thunders and goes mental. It’s just so good to sit inside and do nothing, but absorb Top Gear! I always read the columns of Jeremy Clarkson, and laugh at The Hamster, but I rarely look for anything more on James May, or “Captain Slow” as he is called. James always puts out dry humour on the show, and he is the composed one on Top Gear. But I found something that you are going to love! I found it via WikiWikiCool.

James May worked as a sub editor for AutoCar magazine, but he was fired from his position there. Enjoy this!

At the end of the year, AutoCar put together a “Road Test Year Book” Each spread featured four car reviews and each review started with a large, red, drop capital letter. James May had to put the entire supplement together which he said was extremely boring and took several months: James went on to say:

“So I had this idea that if I re-edited the beginnings of all the little texts, I could make these red letters spell out a message through the magazine, which I thought was brilliant. I can’t remember exactly what it said, but it was to the effect that ‘You might think this is a really great thing, but if you were sitting here making it up you’d realise it’s a real pain in the arse’ It took me about two months to do it and on the day it came out I’d actually forgotten that I’d done it because there’s a bit of a gap between it being “put to bed” and coming out on the shelves. When I arrived at work that morning everybody was looking at their shoes and I was summoned to the managing director of the company’s office. The thing had come out and nobody at work had spottedwhat I’d done because I’d made the words work around the pages so you never saw a whole word. But all the readers had seen it and they’d written in thinking they’d won a prize or a car or something”

Ha

Ha ha

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa haaaaaaaa haaaaaaaa!

Let’s have a look, shall we? I think we shall!

“So you think its really good yeah you should try making the bloody thing up its a real pain in the arse”

Personally I think this is one of the best things I have ever heard. I know how bad sub editing is just from studying it, I cannot imagine how boring it must be to do it for a living! So to add some magical humour like this, esecially when you’re James May, is nothing short of AWESOME.

James May: Old School Cool

I mean, I’ve just watched James May getting driving lessons from Jackie Stewart, and it’s crazy to know he got there from his raddening days at AutoCar magazine.

I think it’s marvellous, James May is rad and that is a fact that you cannot deny!

Nice!
Sean Lloyd

Editor

I was reading the news on IOL now (nothing noteworthy) when I saw this spicy characters profile on the right side:

A 40 year old dude looking to meet women between the ages of 18 and 100.It’s kind of like searching for a holiday, ranging from the lush, moist rain forests of Brazil to the…well…the dry plains of the Kalahari.

Personally I love those High School girls man! As you know…I keep getting older….they stay the same age.

Sean Lloyd

Editor

I really love these Cape Town girls, man. Especially these Cape Town High School girls…I keep getting older…they stay the same age! I came upon (Never in) this Facebook group called “Bitch please,I’m from Cape Town” The group is now sitting at 4998 members, and you need to request to join the group. On the other hand, the group “Bitch please…I’m from Joburg” has only 260 members.

Whaaaaaaa ha ha ha! EPIC FAIL!

But seriously, if you ever needed a reason to move to Cape Town, it’s got to be the girls! This is the group description:

All the joburg, durban, pretoria, whatever all you chicks from anywhere else in the whole world…i’m from cape town and i can take you down…

Here are some reasons why it’s better to be a Cape Town girl:

1) We’re the hottest girls in all of SA (possibly the world)

2) We have the hottest guys to choose from

3) We can party it up like no other girls I know

4) We love our mountain and our beach

5) We don’t need to go shopping in high heels like the Joburg girls do

6) All our best clubs are within max 15 mins from where we live

7) We can still wear miniskirts in winter without freezing our asses off!

8 )  Men come from all over the world to party with us

9) Come December time, we live in the best city ever

10) We can drive around with our windows down, without worrying about being hijacked…

11) We have surfers…enough said

12) We have Fiction, Bang Bang Club, Tiger Tiger, Chevelle, Long Street, Camps Bay, Claremont, Obs etc etc

13) We have a gay community — every girl needs a GBF (Gay Best Friend)

14) We might not have the best cars, but dammit our cars double up as bars at night!

15) We have great fashion sense — boho long street style

16) We get to party with all the celebs when they come here to shoot movies — Colin Farrell, Jared Leto, Robbie Williams etc etc

17) We have the winelands, which means we know our wine

18) We have beautiful hippy girls at Oude Molen

19) We don’t have Danny K, but we have Colin Moss (you choose…)

20) Our mayor is a Woman!

21) Some of us may have a passion gap (no front teeth) but we’re proud of it dammit, and it makes us better lovers…(Whaaaaaaa! — Sean)

22)We’re professional cocktail drinkers, thanks to half-price specials at Summerville, Beluga and Sevruga.

23) Our livers are extra strong, because the bergies taught us their hardcore drinking ways, so we can drink you under the table (or under the bridge…)

24) We can walk straight off the beach and into caprice/la med to carry on the party, havaianas and all

25) Even Prince Harry likes our girls (well one girl in particular…)

26) All we need is a bottle of crackling/ russian bear to make a party!

27) We have Cokey falkow — and he is kak funny!

28) We can have beautiful sunset picnics on any of our beautiful beaches

29) We are only an hour and a halfs drive away from the tip of Africa

30) Everyone loves a Cape Town girl!

MY

WORD

That is simply stunning girls, I love you! And on the topic of Bitch Please…I’m from Cape Town…There is a Bitch Please Movement happening as we speak!

On the 14th of May, at Chevelle in Cape Town, there will be a “Bitch please…I’m from Cape Town” party.

So simply click HERE to see the event details, and to register for the party.

Then click HERE for the Facebook group “Bitch please…I’m from Cape Town”

Yeah no problem! Loving Cape Town more than ever right now…

Sean Lloyd

Editor 

There is a whole vibe going on over at Sky News today about the threat of their bee population dying off (HERE), in particular because bees pollinate so much of the food we eat, namely fruit and vegetables. While I can see this being a problem in South Africa, and Cape Town in particular, I can’t see it being much of a problem in Britain.

Because clearly no one eats a single fruit or vegetable in Britain! There is even an article (HERE) entitled “Are British women fat and unkempt? This American man says so” He says they’re overweight, unkempt and lazy about grooming. Whhhhaaaaaa ha ha! Now this is not really the case in Cape Town. I just took a completely random photo from the J&B Met in Cape Town a couple of years ago and posted it here:

Toit

What, you want a close up?

No sis man! I’m not that type of person. Ok if you INSIST that I must be that type of person. Naughty naughty.

BAKING

That’s clearly some fruit and veg(Not to be confused with vag, keep your eye on the ball…ummm…whatever) going on there. Now that is what the average Cape Town chick looks like. Her bum looks like that of a 12 year old. And when I say average, this is what most Cape Town chicks look like. We sometimes forget how lucky we are in Cape Town, and take these sorts of bums for granted. Come on, admit it, we all do. We have a girlfriend with a bum like this, and yet we insist on an upgrade. We’re too comfortable around this sort of talent.

And then in Britain this is the average bird on her wedding (Pudding) day.

She looked in the mirror that day and honestly believed she looked stunning. The power of the mind!

And so I really don’t see the whole problem of the bees dying off in Britain, because clearly British chicks don’t eat the food that bees pollinate. And we should hope to God that none of the British blokes pollinate these British Pork Pies.

Sean Lloyd

Editor 

Well well, the squad has been announced for the British and Irish Lions squad who are touring South Africa. I’m all busy, missioning around Cape Town but I’ve got everything for you.

If you want to see the squad announcements, book Lions Tour Packages to South Africa and find accommodation, or anything else related to the British and Irish Lions Tour to South Africa, then see the links below.

Click HERE for the British and Irish Lions Squad to tour South Africa.

Click HERE for Lions Rugby Tour Packages to South Africa.

No stress!

Sean Lloyd

Editor