I pumped out a couple of messages this evening to some chicks I know (Well I know them…they probably claim they know nothing of me) and quite bizarrely I got no replies!

I don’t quite understand what chicks don’t dig about me!

Rude, arrogant, self centred, superficial, vain…what’s not to like?

So I realised I was starting to sound a bit weird when I started sending messages to these chicks saying things such as:

“Seriously just come round and touch it”

“Let’s just bang. For the feeling”

“This is your last chance at banging a legend”

“You’ll never work in this town again”

“I don’t care if you don’t come round anyway, you’re not hot, I just thought I could use you to get to your hot friends”

“Ah babe I thought we could cuddle tonight, I love cuddling in this stormy weather”

“Has anyone told you lately that you are beautiful? I think you have a stunning personality, I’m more a personality man than  a boobs man”

So those didn’t get me any replies either, just more hatred.

SWEET!

It was then that I decided to seduce myself with a bit of Rod Stewart. I’ve been listening to Rod Stewart for many years, ever since I was a little girl.

I was at the Rod Stewart concert in Cape Town last year and it was sexual. Not only did all the chicks want to bang Rod…hell, in the heat of the moment I wanted to bang Rod!

I sat down tonight, not even bothering to turn my phone off as I knew no messages would be coming through, and I maxed out to Rod Stewart Live At The Royal Albert Hall.

The lights were low.

Tears rolled down my eyes.

I remembered the times when I was king of the world, I had fans for miles and miles, every restaurant had a table reserved for me every night, just in case I arrived, doors opened magically for me, action was like beer…on tap.

Ahhh those were the days!

They were so great, I never had to pay for drugs and I would say stupid things like “I painted my dining room today” and people would burst into laughter.

I was like an onion. Many layers to the legend. But now I’ve been reduced to rubble!

And then I realised, I have the perfect life.

Life is complete with Rod Stewart in it. I wiped away my tears and told myself to harden up. I jammed “Maggie May” through the stereo. I knocked back the tears. I lay back on the couch, Ronnie Wood played a solo during Maggie May, and I smiled.

It is good to be me.

I quietly chuckled to myself. “What economic recession?” I thought.

I lay there, like the bronzed gladiator I am, and realised that as shallow as I am, I’m actually quite deep.

I also realised I should think more before I do things…

I think I’ll hit another bong.

The evening’s entertainment was provided by Rod Stewart Live At The Royal Albert Hall, on DVD, available by clicking HERE.

Sean Lloyd

Editor