I won’t go too deep into this, for fear of liver failure.
I chose quite a bad time to stop drinking. Seriously, I’m toning it down. I know, it’s crazy!
Anyway my dog still brought the newspaper in today, and there are crazy specials at Midmar in N1 City.
Check this liver buster:
95 cents! I mean come on, is this serious? You know how Four Cousins gives you a hangover? Now imagine how Four Inbred Cousins will give you a hangover? Ha, it would be too much to deal with!
This bottle should come standard with a rental shotgun and one bullet so you can kill yourself instead of facing the hangover from hell.
I honestly never knew anything could still be sold for under R1.
Other than Chappies.
Some people are going to be in their chops in after these specials are over.
Milk Thistle and Prohep sales should do well though. And don’t forget the Rehidrat.
Sean Lloyd
Editor
Read More Add a CommentSo what happened last week was that a couple of engineers who work on Rolls Royce engines for planes were down in Cape Town. You know planes don’t you? Those big things in the sky that carry people. Yes they land at the Republic International Airport of Cape Town. That’s the one. So I missioned off with these guys last week on a little boat cruise to Clifton just to scope the scene out and survey my territory.
“Ahhhh yes, that’s all mine” I said, hand on forehead, looking over Cape Town from the boat.
We decided on the ever popular Tigger 2 charter, and unfortunately on that particular day the more luxurious Tigger 2 Royale was already booked. We’ll have to try that another time in the summer.
So the day kicked off with me waking up and thinking “You know Sean, if I were a chick, I’d totally do you” A quick spritz with some Hugo Boss had me smelling like teenage desire, and a quick little style of the hair had me looking like some sort of male model. Without the billboard face and chiselled abs.
The Tigger 2 is one my favourite choices in charters and I’m quite alarmed that I haven’t written on it before. So I arrived at my departure point, which is just near Quay Four for you Cape Town regulars. Yeah, there by Alba. Our host on the boat, Juan, probably has the best job in Cape Town. When I asked him what he does, he said he is the host for all the boat trips.
Obviously thinking he can’t possibly live so excessively ALL the time, I asked what else he does, you know, like in winter.
“I do this all year” He casually replied. So Juan basically chills on the Tigger ALL year, shmoozing with guests, making chicks laugh, pouring drinks and socialising. I bet you wish you weren’t in an office! Imagine having, like, an all year round tan, being able to wear Sebago Docksides to work, and generally laughing at the people on the production line in offices. Well Juan does this every day!
“Chicks dig it” I crooned, lifting my champagne glass to the mighty Atlantic.
The cruise got off and we all marvelled at the power of the ocean.
Imagine how many drugs get transported across the ocean? Imagine how many people park their yachts off of Clifton, have sex all day and laugh at the poor people of the world? Imagine how much money is lying in the ocean?
Drugs? Slaves?
It was just too much for words and I couldn’t take the deck anymore. I decided to have a word with the skipper.
“Skip, you mind if I drive?”
“Are you qualified?” He said.
“No, but dude, I’m way too drunk to walk, I need to drive”
“Oh shit son!” He said “You’re Sean from SLXS, right?”
“Indeed” I said, cool as ice.
“Ah go ahead, drive all you want. In fact, here is my wallet and the keys to my house. What’s mine is yours, Sean. You are TOO cool. Seriously, how many chicks must throw themselves at you every day?”
“Well I’ve only really hooked up with 3000 chicks this year you know”
“Liar! It must be much more!”
“I know, it is! It’s so mental, chicks just can’t get enough of me. I mean, I am quite devilishly handsome. I have no personality but my looks make up for it, not to mention my massive cock!”
Ok all that stuff was a lie, but imagine if it was true, how mental would it be?! I did get a stint behind the wheel though.
“Starboard, starboard, this is SLXS rider requesting a drunken fly by”
“Negative SLXS, the pattern is full”
“Cock toboggan Starboard”
“Repeat, SLXS Rider”
“Oh nothing cock balls”
It was so mad, like we were in Top Gun! Obviously a fly by here would be replaced by a sail by.
–You know you look at yourself and you are fine, the next thing you know 2 days have gone by where you haven’t seen anybody, the two bottles of whiskey are empty and you haven’t eaten a thing–
Don’t worry about that, I’m fine.
The day we chose was a little bit windy but I quite enjoyed it. Nothing like the wind blowing on your freshly shaved balls and some sun on your face to cheer you up. A happy ending at Clifton would be great, but we can’t have everything can we? Unless you’re me, then you can organise most things. Like chilling with Rolls Royce engineers.
Looking at Clifton from the Tigger 2
Not stressed at all
All the cleverness got a bit much for me though on the deck, what with so many clever people around me. I decided to head back to a place close to my heart, kidneys and liver.
Let’s go to the baaaaaaaaaaaa!
I shimmied my way down from the lounge area on the Tigger 2, past the vomiting sea sick guy in the bathroom and straight into the bar.
Well craft me a dream with angels, there was absolutely no one in the bar! I’m serious, these Rolls guys had no idea. While they were busy marveling at crap like Table Mountain and that stupid “2010 World Cup Stadium”, I was getting right to the centre of the fun brigade.
2010 World Cup Stadium — Coming along nicely
“Who’s paying for the drinks today?”
“Um…the clients sir”
“Rolls Royce?”
“I believe so sir”
“Gimme a bottle of scotch, make it snappy”
In a happy place
YES! There I was chilling with a glass of bubbly, a bottle of Jannie Stapper and nothing but myself. I’m used to living the life of solitude as a celebrated writer, playwright, chicks dig it kind of guy. So I was right at home at the bar while everyone enjoyed the salty air and the ridiculous views.
Honestly I don’t see what the big deal about Cape Town is.
Wouldn’t you rather be living in London?
I think with a sunset like this, I would much rather be in the UK. Because look how kak it is!
Average
I know…pathetic Cape Town. Can’t we put on a better sunset?
The boat trip seemed to be all over in a moment as I spent some solitary time at the bar, away from the hustle and bustle of people looking marveling at how RAD Cape Town is. I already know it’s rad. We landed back at our arrival point, got off the boat and I was welcomed by applause as I made it back alive. If I had fallen overboard, Cape Town would have fallen apart. It can’t do without me.
Arriving back at the V&A Waterfront, Cape Town
Kak
I slipped Juan a R500 tip and asked if he could empty the contents of the bar into my car.
“Sean I can’t do that!”
“Um…ok…um…why not?”
“That’s stealing”
“You’re stealing” I shouted, stripped off my clothes and ran naked into the sunset shouting “Cock toboggan! Toboggan shmishmortion!”, the whole of Cape Town seeing my bronzed body and massive shlong falling free. Like life should be…free…
It’s a pleasure Cape Town, it’s a pleasure.
(“Thanks to everyone involved including our great host Juan and the crew on the Tigger 2. The Tigger 2 and Tigger 2 Royale depart from the V&A Waterfront in Cape Town and offer cruises along the Atlantic seaboard in fine style. Drinks, snacks…anything can be organised for any occasion from booze cruises with mates, to weddings, functions and much more. The cruises can cater for up to 50 people and a cruise on the Tigger is one of the greatest ways to see Cape Town from a completely different angle. There is a TV and DVD player inside so if you want, you can jam out a Rod Stewart concert all the while cruising along Cape Town’s coast. This might actually give you a bone, I won’t lie. Click here to get to the Tigger 2 website and make your booking for this Cape Town summer. Highly recommended and personally approved by myself to help you live a life of complete excess, SLXS style” — Sean)
Sean Lloyd
Editor
Read More Add a CommentThe whole point of the Nokia launch party at the V&A Waterfront in Cape Town was to celebrate and introduce Nokia OVI to the South African crowd. Nokia OVI is an innovative tool and solution to keeping you in touch with your world — all from your cellphone.
Nokia have always stood out as making tough and reliable phones, but phones do get stolen, lost or dropped in the ocean on booze cruises. This is where Nokia OVI shines, so let’s take a look at a few of the features:
OVI for contacts:
You can sync your calendar and contacts on OVI, and you will see this updated information whether you access OVI from your mobile or your PC. Your calendar and contacts can be backed up on OVI, so if you lose your phone — never fear, all that information is not lost. On OVI you can add, edit and track your contacts, appointments and to do lists. When you edit this information online, it’s a simple process to update this information to your mobile.
Share on OVI:
We often take photos on our mobiles and just keep them there where they don’t get seen. Now with OVI, you simply take a photo on your mobile, then access OVI from your mobile and you can share all your photos and videos with friends and family. The storage on OVI is free and unlimited, so you can access all your media from one place. You can access your media from your PC, mobile or Mac.
Another great feature is that you can share your media with just one person, or a group, or you can make it available to the entire world. The choice lies in your hands.
OVI Files:
You can now use your phone to access files on your PC when you just can’t be at your PC. Photos, videos, audio, Office documents and Adobe PDF files can be accessed while you are on the move.
All of this is great but what phone to use? The Nokia N96 is the all in one tool incorporating a 5 megapixel camera so you never have to see those grainy images again, like you did with the first camera phones. It also has a massive 16GB memory. Check out the Nokia N96 by clicking here. Also look out for the Nokia 8500 touch screen phone in South Africa next year.
I had a play around with it at the Nokia launch party and it’s quite something.
I really think Nokia have launched a fabulous product here and it’s something that is going to get much bigger once everyone is using compatible phones. Now if Nokia would be so kind as to send me an N96 we can do a proper test session!
Click here and take a browse around OVI by Nokia, signing up is free.
Sean Lloyd
Editor
Read More Add a Comment
Not ideal
A couple of you have been e-mailing me asking about the photos and videos of the latest King Of The Mountain car race disaster. I won’t post it all here, but here are two great links.
Click here for the video.
Click here for the forum and the photos of some of the wreckage.
Sean Lloyd
Editor
Read More Add a CommentI had a fairly chilled day on Clifton 4th on Saturday, although I’m starting to notice a bit of a downward trend on Clifton 4th these days.
You know, as you walk onto the beach from the sidewalk, there seems to just be a lot of litter there. Not ideal. That’s why I change of plan was made yesterday to head to my favourite place in the world, Llandudno. Much better:
Llandudno…yesterday…touch yourself in inappropriate places…
Anyway on Saturday after Clifton we headed off to La Med to get some food, cocktails etc and just chill out because the day had been so demanding!
So I cruise off to the guys bathroom and never in my life have I seen such a disgusting display by a restaurant, especially a place such as La Med. I mean, we’d expect it at Tin Roof at 4am on a Friday, but not at La Med at around 5pm on a Saturday, when the place is not even that busy.
I just find it funny that brands such as Havaianas and Guess are now associating themselves with La Med, and all they can offer is a bathroom of filth. I don’t have photos, but anyone there would back me up, and no one at La Med can deny that the bathroom was disgusting. The place basically smelt like piss, there was a bin in the corner with flies hovering around it, and there were flies everywhere, even on the urinals.
I’m not quite sure what to make of it, but maybe guys, just maybe, a little revamp is in order? The bathrooms are not looking great and I think we can all agree on that. I always judge places by their bathrooms and if a bathroom is filthy, one wonders how hygienic the rest of the place is.
Places such as Hemisphere have their bathrooms sorted, but La Med are slacking in this regard. Just because the bathroom is not the entrance to the restaurant, does not mean that it should look and smell like filth.
In fact, the bathroom should be regularly cleaned and be one of the cleanest places in the restaurant.
I just think Saturday was a major let down, and if I were one of the brands associating myself with La Med, I would get them to sort out those bathrooms immediately if I were going to continue a working relationship with them.
Come on La Med, let’s sort it out now and get ready for a pumping summer.
Sean Lloyd
Editor
Read More Add a CommentYou all already know Goldfish, and chicks go mental for them. When chicks go mental for Goldfish, you know they are horny and just want to smash anything. That’s when you make your move. I’m making mine this Sunday. It’s just so cool that you don’t have to work on Mondays, that’s why Goldfish play on Sundays.
What? You work on Mondays? Sorry man, apologies.
What kind of company makes you do that?
Hand jobs, BJ’s, ZJ’s…chicks go mental
So get down to La Med in Cape Town on Sundays to watch Goldfish and get your piece played with by horny, suntanned, dirty, filthy Cape Town girls.
Tickets are R50 (Keeps the school kids, rommel and plebbs out). BANG!
Sean Lloyd
Editor
Read More Add a CommentWhile on my goodwill ambassador mission to the V&A Waterfront in Cape Town with the Rolls Royce engineers, I spotted Tweetie. Just chilling at the docks, next to the dry dock near the Cape Grace Hotel. I mean I would have thought this is a little out of Tweeties natural habitat.
Enjoy Tweetie chilling in the back
I just kind of wonder about the stability of people like this. I mean, it’s cool if Tweetie is your vibe, and you dig it, but to get a Hyundai, in yellow, with “Tweetie – WP”, with an actual Tweetie in the back windscreen and on the front window may be pushing it a touch.
Either this is really weird, or it’s just too cool for me to actually realise how cool it is. Mind you, the car is from Hyundai in Belville. Goes a long way in explaining the situation. The Ville. Belville Bomber.
I’m not quite sure yet what I think about it. I really have taken so much Valium, Prozac and Oxycontin today that I actually can’t feel anything. Like literally, I cannot feel my body. I’m smashing the keyboard so hard that buttons are just breaking off.
Better not give myself a handski.
“Kate!”
“A hand around?”
“Yeah bee-atch, do you really think I employed you as a house servicer to actually clean the house? Are you on crack? And by the way Kate, you must end off every sentence with ‘Your Royalty’ ”
“Yes Your Royalty”
“Thanks cracker. Why don’t you scuttle along and get Your Royalty a gin and tonic. And a slice of lemon. And stir it counter clockwise!”
The shit I have to put up with in my life.
Sean Lloyd
Editor
Read More Add a CommentI don’t know what is wrong with you lot! I merely mention touching, licking, fingering, dildos and crabs and you’re mind is all in the gutter…vomiting on itself!
I really had no other motive for that headline other than to tell you that I was at the Two Oceans Aquarium in Cape Town last night.
You see I’ve been quite busy and naughty this week. Some Rolls Royce engineers have been down and we went to Moyo at Spier on Tuesday night and then to the Two Oceans Aquarium last night. Oh we also took a cruise on the Tigger 2 last night, gorgeous! More on all that later…
Now to the aquarium. It obviously started off with me arriving, and feeling the need to lick something. Obviously with all the school girls being in Plett it’s been a while since I perved a girl. Girls my age are too wise, I could NEVER go for them! And they think they know everything, and are just all over the place, so confused about life.
That’s what I love about these high school girls man. I keep getting older, they stay the same age.
So I went clowning around and I believe these are clown fish. Don’t quote me on that, I was high as shit! No really, they are clown fish. I licked the tank. I got a bit of the tank inside me.
It was late last night and the aquarium was closed to the public (Read: Plebbs) but it was open to this young sir. I decided to be naughty, and while no one was looking, I would finger something. At the touch pool.
Sea anemones, here I come! I’ve always had this fascination with how many fingers I can get into something. Nothing sexual, purely curious.
I tried one.
Good Lord, so loose!
I tried two.
Still so loose!
I went for the triple.
BOOM! Inside!
On four I knew this was something I had NEVER tried before. Bang! Four all inside.
Jeez Louise, what in the hell is going on here? They say you should try everything at least once, and I can confidently claim this is the first time I have tried to put my whole fist in.
It didn’t fit. If it did, that sea anemone would have been a right slapper!
I minced my way back and as I was passing the end of the touch tank, I saw something very naughty. I always like to be the first to finger and touch these things, but it seems someone else had come before me. It felt like that time I pulled that chick in like standard 9 and I was so happy that none of my other mates had pulled in (Cape Town is so small, you are bound to hook up with someone your buddy has), until later I heard they had all done that, and more. Shit man, I was broken about it!
And so I was broken about last night, knowing that someone had been playing with my anemone with a white dildo.
It shattered my heart knowing that once again, I had come on in second place.
It was then onto the massive crabs. Surely more massive than anything Paris Hilton has seen in her life.
Although I do stand to be corrected.
Check how big these bad boys are.
Yeah, try getting rid of those. I believe they are called Spider Crabs or something.
And that’s it really, I’ll probably go get my hair sheared now, it’s getting a bit long especially in this Cape Town wind that has been pomping me of late.
I still can’t believe you perceived the headline of this article in that way.
I ought to wash your mouth out with soap.
Potty mouth.
Sean Lloyd
Editor
Read More Add a CommentI think this is going to be a great event, Wavescapes Surf Film Festival have teamed up with Save Our Seas (SOS) to highlight the plight of the world’s sharks which are being killed off at a rate of some 100 million per year (Crazy).
The outdoor screening on Friday 5 December 2008 on Clifton 4th beach in Cape Town should be spectacular and it starts at 8:30pm for 9:00pm. It will be screened on a big screen, on the beach, great success!
The film being shown is called Beneath The Surface, which is a multi-disciplined journey around the world with different surfers, gear and waves. There will also be a giveaway of a surfboard, hampers and Save Our Seas t-shirts.
So take it easy on Friday, get mellow at the office bar and head through to the Wavescapes Surf Film Festival.
For more information check out this link.
Sean Lloyd
Editor
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