Every so often people tell me about things that I will “die for”, in the hope that I will talk about them and make them “popular” or something like that. People mistake me for some sort of publicity machine, able to turn rubbish brands into Gucci or Prada. Look, make no mistake, I do possess this power but I don’t use it all that often. Because with great power comes great responsibility.

Today I wield my power stick, and smash you on the head with it.

I was told to head to Pick ‘n Pay (Already a sin) to buy a pinotage called “Cafe Culture” from KWV. Now what I have done with my brain, is I have rewired it. I have rewired it so that when “cafe” is mentioned, I don’t think of something classy like wine, or even a regular cafe. I think of a 7-11 cafe. And so whenever cafe is mentioned, my mind shuts off from the conversation, to avoid me having to deal with conversations related to 7-11, which does not suit my lifestyle.

Anyway my buddy who told me about this wine is quite a reliable source and so I put my brain on override and allowed my thought processes to delve into the word “cafe”. At first it was tricky as I kept on thinking on 7-11 and how the klonkies are always naaing each other outside your standard 7-11. I overrode this thought and suddenly I was standing on a cliff, looking over an oasis of pleasure.

In my peripheral vision chicks were naked, there were other chicks rubbing coconut oil onto my tanned skin, booze was aplenty and the sun was shining bright. The SLXS yacht was parked off with a lingerie shoot taking place on it.

But there was this little island of wine and it was called Cafe Culture. Suddenly I snapped back to reality and I was sitting in my plush, red velvet chair with the most gorgeous glass of wine in my hands. My buddy was sitting opposite me asking what I thought of it.

“It…it…it’s beautiful!” I crooned.

GET INSIDE ME!

And by George, I was drinking a wine so damn good for it’s price that I just had to make mention of it here in this magazine. Wait…in this internet.

The wine is Cafe Culture Pinotage and luckily for me, this cafe is open 24 hours a day!

Anyway, have a divine little squiz over the back label on the bottle:

The Cafe Culture is home to free spirits and trend setters. Their wine is different, a unique Pinotage with a distinct coffee character. Deliciously ripe pinotage…

Wow wee, I must interrupt you to mention that I’m busy watching Legend Of The Fall while drinking this wine, and so I’m RATHER emotional!

…grapes have been persuaded to show an often hidden mocha flavour — nothing is added and nothing is taken away.

They enjoy it on its own while chatting and debating into the night, or with whatever food they choose, even dessert! And they know it’s best while still young. Become a member — you won’t go back.

HECTIC! I know. It is complete madness in a bottle. Do you like it how they have persuaded the grapes to release the flavour? Like they really had a conversation with the grapes! I’ve probably hit about four bottles in as many days and it’s amazing. I love wine like I dig my chicks..young.

Seriously though, the reason I like my wine young is because I can never hold myself back. I used to try and buy wines that would age well but I’d normally get shit faced and just drink them young anyway. I’d buy expensive bottles and then put them in the cellar, and then get drunk and pry them out the cellar. But I would be so drunk that I wouldn’t even be able to enjoy the flavour.

Like when I go to the whisky festival and use my last tickets on Glenfiddich. I can’t taste the flavour, but it’s just so good knowing that you are wasting money in an extravagant manner. Nothing like a disgusting display of wealth!

I don’t know a lot about wine, the only thing I know is that I consume a lot of it. I can’t describe the more delicate flavours, but to me a wine is either smooth and I like it, or it’s bitter and stuff and I hate it.

This wine is completely different. I couldn’t believe that it had a mocha flavour! Seriously it’s got a mocha taste that is hard to describe in a wine. It’s just so good and lends itself to becoming a fully fledged alcoholic because you replace your morning coffee with Cafe Culture wine because it’s so good!

I rate that in about two weeks you will be well on your way to having a drinking problem with this wine, which is not as bad as it sounds. All the cool kids have addictions so it’s worthwhile to get one. I love it, it gives me so much joy. All the celebrities have addictions so it’s not that bad.

And if your parents start to worry, or your friends, just say “Well at least it’s not crack”

I always like to compare myself to others. Like when you think you are poor, just think of little Bilo in Uzbekistan who had to eat his foot last week for nourishment. That puts things in perspective and makes you feel better. Or when I think I’m ugly, I just think of Lyle Lovett. Or when I’m sad, I just think of most chicks at 16 years old…they’re so baked on hormones they don’t know whether to embrace the action or shy away from it. They don’t know whether to be straight or lesbian. That makes me happier.

So as we navigate this Cape Town road together it’s always good to know that relationships come and go, friendships start and end, sex comes and goes…but the one thing that will always be by your side is Cafe Culture Pinotage.

It’s that friend that comforts you when you’re all messed up, it makes you happy when you’re sad, it fills in as a meal when you realise that eating is cheating, it’s that partner that never leaves you, it’s the partner that also pleasures you from the inside (Niiiice…), it goes in and around your mouth (Oooooh ladies…naughty naughty!), it’s available for around R45 a bottle at Pick ‘n Pay which is cheaper than even a Claremont Main Roader (Taking a wild guess), it looks good, it picks you up when you’re down, and drops you when you’re too high, it picks you up and and calms you down at the same time.

Ladies and gentleman, this wine is amazing and I strongly suggest that you go out and buy it. It’s the only wine I’ve tasted recently that has that mocha flavour that arouses me.

This wine will change your life.

Oh my word Brad Pitt is holding a baby in Legend Of The Fall and it’s adorable.

Wine. Legends Of The Fall. Sports Illustrated. Sean Lloyd. It’s all too much on an emotional level.

Until next time.

I love you. x

Sean Lloyd

Editor