I must be honest, I do shop at Pick ‘n Pay for some things, but mostly I shop at Woolworths. I know it’s a little more expensive, but then again it’s also a well known fact that Woolworths food stays fresher longer, they don’t use MSG in any of their products, they are far ahead on the organic food front and they have a lot of energy saving initiatives in place, and are constantly working on little things that help save the environment.

I was drinking some soda water with my whisky when I realised something on the bottle. It’s a bottle of Pick ‘n Pay brand soda water, which is just carbonated water, no flavouring whatsoever. Check this label out:

Can you handle it? FLAVOURED SOFT DRINK?

Are people these days in such a blind rush through life that no one else noticed this? Surely someone else has seen this? Please don’t tell me I’m the only one.

Um…how many idiots did this actually get past before it was put into production?

Does it take a fool like me to notice this?

Pick ‘n Pay what the hell is going on?

Are you on drugs? Is it tik? Because if it is, I know this cool rehab place.

Seriously, if it’s drugs, we can fix it. Just let me know, because I think your head is crazy.

UPDATE: Click here, that might also be of interest, on the Woolworths front.

Sean Lloyd

Editor

It’s interesting to note that in an industry that is based on service, that carlucci’s has none.

As the old saying goes regarding places like these:

You can’t complain about the service, because there is none.

A reader, Andre, commented over here saying that he and a few colleagues were at carlucci’s this morning (15 September 2008) and firstly waited a couple of minutes before even being asked if they would like coffee.

Brown or white bread was offered with the breakfast…and…dum dum dum…drum roll…NO BROWN BREAD!

—-Insert remixed scene here from the movie 300. “There’s no brown bread? This is madness!” Andre shouts.

Waitress looks at Andre, grimacing:

“THIS…IS….CARLUCCI’S!” As the waitress ferociously kicks Andre off his chair, into a pit, which incidentally is what we could refer to carlucci’s as. A pit. A pit of nothingness-ness-ness —-

OH MY WORD! We would never expect carlucci’s to be out of stock of something as basic as that. You know…as basic as lettuce as well (I will use as many as’s as I like. And I will use the word “as’s”.

I don’t quite know what sort of vibe carlucci’s are going for, because I have never come across this vibe before. It’s uniquely carlucci’s, a mixture of poor service and of not stocking the essentials.

Seth would be interested to know that they do stock Tabasco sauce (Click that, the funniest Tabasco sauce article around. Fact), but not much else.

So you can have Tabasco sauce on your salads and breads…wait…that’s if they have any stock of those.

I’m not sure if carlucci’s are trying to kill all their patrons, or just see what a bad reputation they can get around town. But whatever they are seemingly trying to do, they are doing a good job of it.

And in the left corner, wearing the tattered trunks and comprising of no service, and no essentials, we have car-luuuuuuuuuuuuuu-ci’s!

Sean Lloyd

Editor

I recently discovered The Google inside The Internet Machine and it’s absolutely amazing! I was searching fairly simple things like Midget Porn, Circus Freaks and Ron Jeremy when I decided to put this so called “search engine” to use.

And the results were admirable!

I searched for carlucci’s in rondebosch and came across a little piece on a webplot called My Rondebosch if you click here. It contains this pearler, and I quote:

“Sounds delicious, and if the comment from our waiter – that carlucci’s is already turning over three times more in a day than Blake’s did – is anything to go by, then owner Ian Williams is sure to make a success of it”

Sweet mother of God.

If carlucci’s is turning over three times as much in a day than Blake’s did, all I can say is Blake’s must have been SUPER KAK! Or alternatively, Blake’s were turning out between 5 and 6 customers a day.

Or al-alternatively, the reason they are turning over so much more is because you literally need to pay in Jesus Christ for a chicken sambo!

And besides, carlucci’s don’t even have a website. If they were half decent, they would have a website. It’s like any chick in Cape Town who tells you “Well actually I’m a model, and an actress, but I’m just not working at the moment, taking a bit of time off from the industry”

How funny is it that they refer to it as THE INDUSTRY?! As thought it’s the only industry that keeps the coreolis (Spelling?) effect of the earth going! BULLSHIT! If you were any decent you would be modeling in New York, or you would be in Cape Town with loads of work, or you would be acting in LA.

I’m struggling to get my head around all of this on a Monday morning.

Sean Lloyd

Editor

There is an auction over here on MyTrade.co.za, and they are auctioning the original Mona Lisa. Actually four copies of it.

So now, if you are a normal person, you know for a fact that this is a joke. I mean, it is so obvious I don’t even need to go into it.

Anyway, click here, and you will be directed to the comments about it on Muti.

Some chick. Wait…some chick called Janet comments:

“I suppose it’s a prank, why would you be selling the Mona Lisa??”

Ha ha! I SUPPOSE!

Then directly after that, another comment from Albert Einstein:

“Is this real or is it a prank?”

GRIEF JANET! Somebody please remove this person from planet earth.

It’s long been said that if you don’t have anything worthwhile to comment, then don’t comment at all.

Janet, I think you should shut your face, because you are clearly trying to kill me with your intellectual abilities.

Sean Lloyd

Editor

I was buggering around now on the internet because I really have absolutely nothing to do, such is the lifestyle. I ended up on the Laugh It Off website, which carries the good stuff!

You will all recall Justin Nurse and his epic battle against SAB Miller in connection with his Black Label “Black Labour, White Guilt” t-shirts. Justin actually went to the same school as me, Bosch tends to leave you with a sense of humour unmatched anywhere in the world. Love that place.

Check out these awesome t-shirts.

Nothing wrong with an honest living

Nice for wanking at work

YEAH! I mean…kids…NO!

That’ll look good on me

All of these may or may not be applicable to me and what I believe in. According to the Laugh It Off website the t-shirts are available in Cape Town at Big Blue in Green Point and Big Blue in Cavendish Square.

Check out the Laugh It Off website over here.

Sean Lloyd

Editor

We decided on Wednesday morning, seeing as though we were hanging quite badly, to stop off at Carlucci’s in Rondebosch, because we were on our way past it in pursuit of the V&A Waterfront for Sebago Docksides and Diesel Jeans.

The name carlucci’s sounds pretty good and from the outside the place looks semi-alrightish, but walking in and actually experiencing the horror show is another story.

carlucci’s in Rondebosch. Not my vibe. 

To fit in with my vibe of healthy eating during the day, and red wine abuse at night, I thought I would order the chicken salad. A chicken wrap was ordered for my wingman, and a toasted chicken sandwich for my other wingman.

So we order…and we wait…and I start to feel like shotgunning all those drinks the previous night was a bad idea. About 10 minutes go by when Albert Einstein who happens to be manning the restaurant today ambles along and tells us there is no lettuce.

The way she told us was classical though, saying that there would be no lettuce to put in the chicken wrap. Quietly not mentioning the fact that I had actually ordered something based on lettuce!

So I mentioned this, and then ordered something else which we won’t speak of as it’s not even worth mentioning.

I’m not very religious, but a God of sorts was clearly directly above us, just playing the fool! The chicken sandwich arrived and if I had shown a photo here of that thing, you would actually die.

Two pieces of white bread, no lettuce, hardly any chicken to speak of and it came in at R28. Do you know what sandwich you can get at Woolworths for R28? An awesome one! And Woolies sandwiches are fairly expensive. Albert did pull R3 off the price of the sambo when we told her that we didn’t even get lettuce on it.

The bill arrived and I had been charged R44 for a salad that I actually didn’t receive. I told Albert this, and she then apologised and charged me the R33 or something instead for the most hideous roll I have ever had in my life.

JESUS carlucci’s, what type of business are you trying to run? Kids at market days could offer much better service and quality than this.

If you want to experience this, it’s actually worth wasting the R27 and trying out the chicken sandwich at carlucci’s. It is absolutely mind bending how shit it is. You could try a salad, but they probably won’t have lettuce.

We probably should have taken note of the fact that there is never anyone at carlucci’s, that inside it is like a dark cellar, and that on the day in question, there were three other people in the place.

I for one thought that carlucci’s were in the mob business and they were trying to kill me. Surely service and food like this WILL kill a person? Better yet, I thought that maybe they were organising a hit on me. I was certain Bugsy was going to walk in with a henchman, and he would point a machine gun at me. I would flip the table over, and he would shoot at it. I would naturally not get hit by any of these bullets, as in these movie scenes, we all know that wooden tables are miraculously bullet proof.

They would run out of ammo and have to reload. I would take a small gun out of my leather manbag, and pop two caps directly into the thugs heads, killing them. I would go on to be the new leader of the carlucci’s Mob.

My readers would argue that writing rubbish like this on a Friday morning must surely mean that I am drunk. Well surely I should be drunk, considering the weekend started yesterday? Surely? So yes, your suspicions are correct.

So that’s another place in Cape Town not to got to. Not that you would have considered it anyway. I have driven past carlucci’s in Rondebosch hundreds of times, and not once have I felt the need to go in. A hangover made me do it.

But now you know…Skip carlucci’s in Rondebosch.

I’m pretty sure with that service and quality of food, it will be closing down soon.

I will let you know when it happens so we can toast to it. It’s definitely worth cracking a bottle of Veuve for that day.

Sean Lloyd

Editor 

There has been a lot of talk lately of this Large Hadron Collider thing, and I have no idea what it’s about. Apparently they are trying to find out the meaning of life, or something like that. I wish this collider thing would figure out the inner workings of womens brains so we could all rest a little easier.

Guys are easy to figure out. Eat. Sleep. Drink. Sex. Drive fast.

Anyway, there is an interesting website on whether the large hadron collider has destroyed earth yet.

It’s quite interesting really and definitely something to keep an eye on, as apparently if something goes wrong, it would be a bit of a cock up. You know…if earth gets destroyed…it won’t be ideal.

Click HERE for the website.

Sean Lloyd

Editor

Earthdance: Sweet logo 

I’m sure you are all already aware of this, but I thought I should mention it. I’m supposed to go up but then suddenly spending R7000 on car repairs, and having to go to a MASSIVE birthday party on Saturday, and only getting my car back on Friday sometime has hampered proceedings somewhat.

But no doubt about it…I will be drunk at some point this weekend. Most likely from Saturday afternoon until about Sunday morning. Nothing like a booze up on the day of the Lord. Just getting back to my roots. Red wine.

Anyway this whole earth dance thing might sound a bit hippy and stuff, but let me just tell you that there are going to be so many belters there, you would actually cry if I had to name them. All the hot chicks I know (Well they are the only ones I know) are going. All their hot friends are going.

I have taken the liberty to do some Facebook stalking and have taken quite an in depth look at the confirmed list, and it is an absolute mind wank! Honestly I would be surprised if at any point of the weekend you did not get a massive boner. I have one right now just thinking of the vibe at Earthdance.

It’s a fact that drunk people who have not slept over an entire weekend are easier to take advantage of. Not that I would ever promote this type of unbecoming behaviour…But I need to make you aware of the options.

I seriously don’t care if it is a hippy vibe, I would happily smash some belter wearing a hemp t-shirt and praying to the fairies or something like that. I don’t give a damn…you go ahead and hug those trees, right after hugging my tree trunk (For the less endowed..ha ha…they can perch on your twig)

I have just this second browsed the Earthdance Cape Town event list and there are 4049 people confirmed. When you go to a club, and there are maybe 300 people, and you come right, you are guaranteed to come right at Earthdance. Even if you look like the back end of a bus, surely within 4049 people (I’m sure there will be more) you can at least pull out the charm stick and try and get some.

Think about it…this is your chance tiger! Take it and run!

I won’t go into all the details, but you can get more information over here. And it starts tomorrow. Tell your boss to go get lost because you want to party and get some action. He will understand. Give me his e-mail address and I will personally make sure you don’t get in trouble for taking tomorrow and Monday off work.

SICK!

Sean Lloyd

Editor 

If you read this link, and you read “Wanking for work” you will see that God killed 17 kittens on Monday.

Quite unnecessary to punish me like that, I would say.

Sean Lloyd

Editor

I do have a little bit of a taste for the finer things in life i.e alcohol.

Due to my connections in the alcohol, mainly wine industry, I’m often given various things to put inside my body. Free of charge. It’s an occupational hazard/ benefit.

And I can tell you right now that I have just put the most delicious bottle of wine inside my body. INSIDE! Can you believe it, all that money is in me right now.

And by George, it feels good!

I know absolutely nothing about wine and all the tastings but I can tell you that this is quite possibly the finest wine I have tasted in my life.

Normally a bottle down of the cheap stuff, and it starts to get bitter and I don’t feel so well. However at the end of this bottle I was still swirling it around in my mouth and it kept getting smoother. I can confidently say that I wanted to cry drinking this, such is its absolute beauty.

I’m not joking when I say it gave me a feeling unlike anything else I have felt before. I cannot even describe this wine to you, it’s amazing. Phenomenal. Stunning.

You will see that I am quite important by the bottle I have. It’s the Cape Winemakers Guild bottle, and is a sample bottle, not for resale.

That’s how I do things, only the best and most exclusive.

What I want you to do though is go to a quality bottle store right now and buy this! Ask for it.

Kumkani Cradle Hill Cabernet Sauvignon 2005, phenomenal.

It’s the finer things in life such as this beautiful wine that make life so much more enjoyable. I cannot for a second begin to think of how boring life would be without all this alcohol.

I like to live this Ronnie Wood lifestyle in the evenings.

I will probably trash a hotel room soon.

Motley Crue, YEAH!

You won’t regret paying decent cash for this bottle, if anything, you will be praising me for letting you know about this wine. It’s a pleasure.

Sean Lloyd

Editor 

I’ve always had quite the temperamental skin and if you look in my vanity cupboard you will notice that I carry an assortment of moisturisers for this delicate hide of mine (Mostly organic moisturisers, I can’t be stuffing around with this body as it’s the money maker)

Then the other day my lip ice ran out and I was pretty sure I was going to be pulling some random that night, and my lips needed to be in good nic. They were pretty trashed and so I strolled into The Wellness Warehouse to get some balm for my smackers. I knew with this fabulous weather coming up that I would need something hardcore because the sun is rough out on Clifton 4th and Llandudno.

I settled on this stuff called Lipsano and LET ME TELL YOU DOLL!

It’s amazing stuff, plus it has an SPF of 35 so you won’t be burning your lips (Facial. Ladies…mind out the gutter…tisk tisk. You’re not Elsa Benitez, are you?)

It is made of lanolin (Like…like sheep’s wool?) beeswax, shea butter, cocoa butter and vitamin E. Plus it has menthol and camphor in the mix which gives a nice cooling effect on your sun stroked lips. I use the old school tub, and am not afraid to look like a chick applying it. It’s kind of taking it back to the old school, especially when I apply it in the company of the ladies. They all end up using it anyway. They don’t worry that I have put my fingers in it.

They don’t know where my fingers have been.

They don’t know what me and the cats and dogs get up to in the evenings. And mornings.

Jokes. Seriously though, it’s R18 for the 7 gram jar which is very cheap. I mean, how much do you pay for your 7 grams of coke?

And crack cocaine gives you chapped, cocaine covered lips which is not a good look. Ask Rick James:

Yes it is

So go out and get it. To prove to you that it’s good all the girls I have kissed in the last three days have said I have the softest lips they have ever kissed.

That’s a lie I’m hitting a bit of bad form lately and have kissed no one. But when I do (Don’t wait up) I will report back on what the minxes have to say.

Check my lips out, so smooth!

My parents will also be pleased to know that…yes MOM AND DAD…open the champagne…that is a bit of stubble! It’s not much but it’s something! I knew this day would come. I knew I would make you proud! It took 23 years but by George it was worth the wait!

My voice has also gone from a high pitched shrill to a deeper purr. Think Barry White after a cigarette and whisky binge. Oh yeah!

They might be less interested to know that I just get first hair on ball.

Sean Lloyd

Editor

I’m about to flip writing this, after standing in the queue at Tiger Tiger on Tuesday.

I knew I hadn’t organised guest list, so myself and wingman number one arrived at Tiger Tiger in Claremont at 19:45. The queue was not long at all, but clearly queue management and Tiger Tiger do not mix well. We were standing just at the end of the framing shop there, so we were not exactly far from the entrance. It took us an hour and twenty minutes to get in, I eventually stepped my blue suede shoes into Tiger Tiger at 21:05. We walked in and the dance floor was empty. Tiger Tiger was not that full.

I see what happens.

There is a vibe at Tiger Tiger on Tuesdays where they offer free drinks from 8pm until 10pm on most bottles and also the classic mixers. Obviously they keep people out for most of the time so they don’t lose too much money of the drinks.

But what happens then is that people start to lose the plot, like I did.

I walked in with a mission on Tuesday, and that was to drink more than I normally would so I could take full advantage.

Myself and Charlie V walked in, walked straight to the main bar on the left, the one near the cocktail bar and we set to work.

We stood there, ordered a double cane and cream soda each, downed it. We ordered four more, and within 15 or 20 minutes we had smashed 5 inside us. That was a good start, and after that we had 2 more within the free drinks special still. Normally we would not drink this much, but we did because they made us wait in that queue.

Fourteen drinks in under an hour between the two of us. This is what happens when you keep people in a queue for unnecessary reasons.

And seriously Tiger, control your queue. One of the other reasons we waited so long, is because people kept feeding in from the front of the queue. People coming off the escalators would just feed in from the side of the queue.

The queue never got longer at the back, but it got wider at the front.

Seriously, what are you trying to do? Organise your queue man! Thankfully there were some belters inside, that sort of made up for it.

So did the fact that Graeme Smith was there, shouting Biff at him never ceases to amuse me when I’m drunk.

Come on Tiger, sort your vibe out, I’m getting over it.

And please, have a railing that organises the queue!

EXTRA: I forgot this earlier, but it’s funny. We are chilling in the queue and a guy behind me was complaining that he had been in the queue for so long and it was going nowhere. So this portly chick behind him says

“Oh, so do you have a problem with queues hey?”

To which he replies:

“Yeah I do, just like you have a problem with your Body Mass Index”

Hectic…
Sean Lloyd

Editor

When I was a little tyke I always remember my dad being into the whole sailing vibe. Whether he did it for the enjoyment of sailing, or just for the bitches and booze remains to be discussed.

Anyway, he always used to wear Sebago Docksides, possibly one of the most classical pieces of footwear in the world. Designed to be worn without socks, and designed to withstand the rigours of sailing and just being in water, these shoes have gained a somewhat iconic status.

Those of you acquainted with the lifestyle of champagne and excess will come to know Sebago Docksides as an understated mark of wealth. The shoes are very understated, but anyone who is anyone knows that you mean business if you are wearing a pair of Sebago Docksides. You can save a few hundred bucks and go for another brand, but that’s like buying the poor mans Sebago’s then, and we don’t want that.

YES YES YES!

Anyway living a life of decadence as a youngster, I used to rattle off the names such as Bertie Reed and John Martin as though I was best buddies with them. Those of you in the know will know the whole Bertie Reed/ John Martin story ( Over HERE)

Absolutely stunning

So I was at the V&A Waterfront yesterday…I must interrupt you to make it known that the blonde American chick I saw at St Elmos was the hottest girl I have ever seen in my life. And even cuter was the fact that she was chilling eating pizza with her mom and dad. Damn it was cute. It’s cute that she could eat pizza, because she had the body that can handle a few extra calories. She was not skinny, but she had a real womans body which is quite nice.

We will probably have our wedding ceremony in the Hamptons in the summer of 2011. You will all be invited.

So I strolled, at a brisk pace, into Yacht Squadron and cracked a semi when I saw the Sebago’s. There is always something from your childhood that sticks with you, and Sebago’s are one of my memories.

That and sniffing petrol at the petrol station. And having the dude wash the window. I kid you not, I am at my most calm and stable when I’m sniffing petrol at the petrol station while the attendant washes the window, it’s like a zen moment for me.

Kicking it

Well Yacht Squadron do stock Sebago Docksides, and they come in at around R1200. Not cheap, but who cares, it’s only money! What’s money anyway? There is so much of it around, to drop a few rands on shoes is nothing.

If anything, a chick with any sort of pedigree in Cape Town will immediately know that you either come from wealth, or have impeccable class and style.

If you do in fact come from wealth, and she hooks up with you, you are sorted. If you don’t come from wealth, and she hooks up with you, you are sorted because then the chances are that she comes from wealth.

Look…either way… YOU WIN!

It’s a fact that Sebago Docksides will change your whole life. R1200 and you will be getting action and marrying a rich girl.

Because remember…money does buy happiness.

Don’t let any of those religious freaks tell you otherwise.

Happiness cannot be directly bought as such. But it can buy you alcohol. Alcohol leads to everyone becoming easier. This leads to sex.

So money does buy happiness! Flip flops, sandals, whatever, are always going to be in.

But in Cape Town this summer, all the cool kids who know the underground word will be wearing Sebago Docksides.

You do want to be cool don’t you?

Let me re-phrase that, you do want to be like me don’t you?

For the Sebago website, click here.

Sean Lloyd

Editor

I was kicking it today with my Mainest O (Trademark) Jerry D and we were browsing Gumtree for a TV for the Pimp Pad (Trademarked) and we came (No pun intended) across the most BIZARRE stuff ever! Ok you must be over 18 apparently to access this, there are no pictures, just hilarity in the form of words.

Check THIS out.

Read that. Enjoy it.

I mean…have you ever?!

Oh my word, have a look at this one too! Over HERE.

A wank buddy! Whhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh wooooooooooooooooooooooooo hooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

CHUCKLE CHUCKLE CHUCKLE!

YES!

Sean Lloyd

Editor

You will by now surely have noticed a certain them on this website, a mixture of utter rubbish and also more thoughtful posts, ones that might make you think, or might make you laugh. Or ones that might educate you (Few and far between) You will also realise that I get paid to mention certain companies, and others I mention because I just really like them.

So I’m going to put this out there right now, I’m not getting paid for this piece. If money was offered, sure I would normally take it, but in this instance I’m not sure if I would have taken the money if it was offered.

Because I would basically be paying myself for a hand job then. Imagine paying yourself to give yourself a handski! What would my parents think of me?

The product in question here is the Tenga Masturbator (Jesus…I can’t believe I agreed to this) After writing on Mantality a little while back, I was offered to review this product by the team at Mantality. Naturally I wouldn’t have to pay for the product, it would be sent free of charge (I don’t quite know how to put this…but in Cape Town…I’m kind of a big deal. People know me…)

So I agreed and about a week later, I had a jacking off machine in my PO Box, waiting to be abused. It’s actually called a Deep Throat Cup, and if you think Deep Throat refers to William Mark Felt Sr, then you are an idiot. A complete idiot. Go play with your Pokemon collection.

It’s basically like getting great head without all the hassles, but then it also comes without all the real life benefits, like an actual person. With the Tenga Deep Throat Cup, there are no teeth, so you don’t have any of the hassles of a “biter” Because that hurts. Also, it’s not warm like a mouth, so it might take a few tugs to get it warm. Also, sometimes at house parties, it’s nice to sit back,get a mouthski and use your one hand to eat a bag of chips and the other to drink your vodka and Coke. Unfortunately, when you are using the Tenga to basically give yourself a mouthski/ handski, you only have one hand. So you can’t relax and eat chips and a Coke, you have to do one or the other.

I mean, you could admit to sitting on your hand until it goes numb, and then having a wank so it feels like someone else is doing it. What? Forget I said that. Nothing important. Never tried it.

The great thing about the Tenga is that you don’t have some bird (Or guy, we need to appeal to a wide audience here) coming up afterwards and, with a mouth full, saying “Baby tell me you love me?”

Because as good as it feels at the time, using the L word is extremely difficult to use! Especially at my age. I just want to booze it up with my mates and have a kick ass time, no time for settling down (I’m sure I will receive some hate mail here, go ahead, send it along)

But to make this review as real as possible, I decided that some seduction techniques needed to be used. As there was no actual woman involved, I decided that seducing myself was in order.

I closed the curtains.

Barry White crooned over the stereo.

I looked at myself.

Touched myself.

You like that Sean?

I DO like that Sean!

I threw a couple of pick up lines at myself:

“You come here often?”

“Maybe?”

“Don’t tease me!”

“Do you wanna go halvies on a baby?”

Wait, that’s the one I used on that chick last week at Tiger. It doesn’t quite work on myself.

I was quite nervous around myself, as I’m quite a sexual being. I literally touch myself and sparks fly.

So I decided that I needed to be boozed, because let’s be honest, it’s much easier to chat yourself/ someone else up after a few boozers.

Because Mantality had paid for the product, I thought I had to at least chip in some money to this review so I ambled over to my wine fridge and yanked (Not wanked) out a bottle of Chateau Beychevelle Saint Julien Grand Vin 1995. I can’t remember what I paid for it all those years back, but it’s quite a decent wine and I was saving it for a special occasion. Whether giving yourself a handski is a special occasion or not is yet to be debated (Never maths debated) I also drank a bottle of High Constantia Clos Andre, Cuvee Brut, Methode Cap Classique and I am positively shit faced as I write this.

Absolutely trashed

You like that?

The Tenga has this silicon inside that is SO soft it’s unbelievable. Obviously just putting your cock into a dry piece of silicon would be like shagging Paris Hilton, all dried up from overuse and stuff like that.

So you need lube, which I happened to have lying around. I’m going with the story that it was for a STD 6 (Standard…not sexually transmitted disease) science project.

And it’s quite easy really, you don’t have to be nice to the Tenga for it to go down on you. You don’t have to complement it on it’s lovely hair, or it’s beautiful eyes. You quite simple slam your piece into it without even letting it know.

(Say this to the effect of Horation Cane in CSI)— I think…I’m getting…a boner…YEAH!

I have never done this in real life, that chick at that standard 7 after party asked me to surprise her, and I did. Don’t cry over a sneaky pole in the mouth.

Good grief that’s good! It’s weird because I happened to test it out on a rugby test match day and I declined all the invites to watch the rugby at the pub. It was kind of strange because the one moment you have this picture of Gisele in your mind and it’s all cool, and the next moment you are having a great time by yourself and you are watching Percival Montgomery and thinking “I wonder if he uses EAS or USN? Canterbury or Nike?”

Ooooooooooooooh oooooooohhhhhhhh tik tik tik aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!

And then you blow your load at Percy, it’s quite weird really. To give you the exact thoughts in my head at the time, I was wondering what shampoo and conditioner he uses. I know…quite odd.

I’m obviously making this up as I’m quite drunk right now thanks to that bottle of High Constantia sparkling wine and three USN Spikes and one Red Bull. A couple of Phedra Cuts and I would be flying.

Shit, it feels good though. It’s so soft, and if you wank it fast enough it sounds like it’s choking on your main chap! Jesus, it’s hilarous! It can’t open up wider though so the chances of tea bagging it are pretty much zero. Also, in real life, it’s fun to blow your load in and around the mouth (The money shot) but I wouldn’t quite blow my load into this thing, for re-use purposes. It is re-usable though and I won’t admit to re-using it 17 times today. My piece looks like a piece of biltong, BUT…I’m doing this for work. Imagine spending en ENTIRE Monday wanking.

I suppose I don’t have the worst job in the world…

Another RAD feature is that it has a one way valve (Not vulva) that creates suction, just like real life! It’s amazing looking at this white piece of plastic, and to think that the job it does, is the exact same job all the Bishopscourt mommies do to drive nice cars and live in nice houses. It’s quite mind blowing, that blowing will get you all those lifestyle accessories.

Naturally I went the whole nine yards for this review, including dressing myself in the whipped cream bikini and smearing my balls with peanut butter and getting the dogs to lick it off. WHAT? It’s MY dog ok! I can tease you a bit though with the peanut butter nipple:

Yum Yum

To be quite honest, it is kind of weird telling people that you own a masturbator, but it’s also like telling people that you have a GHD, or that you spend 30 minutes on your hair in the morning. It’s something that makes you happy, but you wouldn’t quite admit it.

I wouldn’t normally go down into the pub and talk about my wanking device, but I did. Cape Town is going to know now anyway, so I casually told a couple of mates down at Forries the other day. I can get away with it because it’s my job.

The problem with my lifestyle is that everyone knows what I do all the time, so I’m sure they will laugh. But then they will in all likelihood click HERE and buy a Tenga Deep Throat Cup.

I’m not going to lie to you, it’s a shit load of fun! Play some Barry White, get drunk, seduce yourself…and then try jizz 5 metres onto your dog lying on the floor.

I lie, I wouldn’t do that.

It’s weird that the dog is pregnant though.

Strange.

Anyway, looking over the Tenga Deep Throat Cup, it’s quite a cool thing for those lazy days when you can’t get some, and is definitely something that is quite a laugh to have. You know you won’t admit to owning one, but you will admit to wanking over Elsa Benitez (Ummm…NSFW). So whether you use your own hand, or the Tenga, I don’t think it makes much difference.

And to be honest, if you are single, people know you are a wanker anyway! So just come to terms with it, and with online ordering from Mantality, you don’t have to walk into a shop blushing and pick it up. Mantality deliver straight to your door! Brilliant!

It’s no longer embarrassing, like it was buying those condoms in school from the petrol station at Bishops.

Hey? Oh nothing…just mumbling to myself.

You can even order lube at Mantality over HERE. Unfortunately they don’t sell condoms yet, but I’m sure I can have a word with them and see what’s possible. For the product I tested, click HERE.

NOTE: The reviewing time of this product was 47.3 seconds.

YEAH!

A new record!

I’m just going to have a quick smoke and I’ll be back…

UPDATE: Apparently, if you click here, I killed 17 kittens on Monday.

Sean Lloyd

Editor