The Bosch/ Bishops rugby write up (Read: Piss up) will be coming along today. I have written the words of wisdom. I’m just going out now to service an angel and then I’m going to come back and resize the photos and load them.

I’m joking I’m not going to service an angel.

I’m going to Woolworths. But you never know…I could score some model in the fruit and vag isle.

Veg isle…

Veg isle…

Sean Lloyd

Editor 

If you do anything today, please read THIS entire post by Don.

Spread that article to everyone you know. E-mail it around, make it viral.

Sean Lloyd

Editor

I created an event on Facebook for the Rondebosch / Bishops derby this past Saturday, and we ended up getting around 750 confirmed people on the group. So anyway, the day before the game, I sent a message out to all the members. When you receive the message, you receive it as part of the group, and it will say something like “To the members of the Bosch / Bishops rugby derby event”

Anyway, someone who clearly has a clutch plate for a brain(His real name is Alex. Nice one) replies to me:

“Fuck Off Shaun”

So I replied back:

“Ok thanks, Alex. It’s Sean. Honestly, you are SO cool, can I please have the honour of naming my first child after you?

PLEASE?”

So he replies back:

“dont send me stupid ass fucking messages about jock crap”

Alex, did you ever hear about capital letters at the beginning of a sentence? Also it’s “don’t” and not “dont”

Funny enough…wait…what’s that?

Ring ring

Ring ring

(Sean’s phone is ringing)

“You got Lloyd”

“Sean! SEAN!”

“God, is that you?”

“Yes, it’s God!”

“Sweet dude, I haven’t chatted in ages”

“Sean how’s your mom?”

“She’s alright, but enough about my mom. Are you drunk dialling me again?”

“Maybe…but I wanted to ask you if you got my gift?”

“What gift?”

“Alex. Alex is God’s gift to earth! Have to run, chat later double Lizzle O- Y Dizzle”

OH so THAT explains why Alex is on this planet, he is clearly God’s gift to earth, and he clearly thinks that I sent that message personally to him. Um…ok…sorry Alex, my SINCEREST apologies.

I get another message this morning, from some chick called Nikky. Her message:

“how do i kno u”

Are you actually joking with me Nikky? Are you trying to shatter my nerves?

Firstly, I didn’t send the message to you personally, because the only messages I send personally to girls, are girls that model. Do you model? I don’t think you do. And if you do, accept my apologies, and message me back.

Secondly, did you go to school? Do you have foetal alcohol syndrome? Was your English teacher on mescallin?

To correct your spelling, which a Chinese kid with no prior knowledge of English could even spell:

“How do I know you”

There, it’s that easy. Now please don’t waste my time with stupid questions because you don’t know me. Not everyone is going to get to meet me. Not because I don’t have time to meet everyone, but because I don’t want to meet everyone.

Like people who send me stupid messages on Facebook. This whole Facebook, Twitter and SMS thing is breeding a new herd of absolute delinquents, and I’m happy I’m not part of it.

If my English teacher (What’s up Mr Wilson!) saw me spelling like you tools, he would have cut my hands off and glued a dictionary INTO my eyes.

I’m not joking. He was that hectic.

Now get back to your Pokemon and tik addictions, silly children.

Sean Lloyd

Editor 

Caprice last night:

“Don’t get too excited, I’m only the wingman”

Awesome stuff!

Naturally, being a Sunday, and with all of us knowing that Mondays in Cape Town don’t exist, Cape Town’s Spiciest Individual was there! Click HERE to see the most awesome video of your life.

Sick!

Sean Lloyd

Editor

Following on from THIS post by Chris over at iMod, we were to experience the very worst of Beluga yesterday.

After bending Saturday out of shape at Bishops (More on that later), I could hardly eat the whole of yesterday due to my stomach feeling like a cement mixer. Hanging like the Mona Lisa, some of the girls decided we should hit Beluga for half price sushi. Which was a great idea after Saturday shattered our wallets as a truck load of alcohol was bought, and consumed. All in me!

Anyway, we arrived at Beluga yesterday at 4pm, where I was met by three girls. Luckily two more guys arrived, otherwise I would have looked like the gay best friend. Not ideal when I’m trying to score supermodels.

So our waiter Dave took our orders and we waited…and waited…and waited. Then another waiter arrived and said he was taking over from Dave, but bizarrely, Dave was still around, just serving other tables. After waiting over an hour for sushi for six people, I strolled over to the manager to see if our chef was maybe not still catching the fish in Norway, and harvesting the rice in India. I also thought he might have taken a quick jog to Clifton to get some seaweed.

The manager assured me that everything would be taken care of, and he said it was strange that our order took so long because it was not busy at all.

I then went back to our table, we poured some soy sauce into the bowl vibe, and out came a fruit fly. Awesome. I’m not too stressed about that though, as it’s hardly going to kill me. I partied at Tin Roof in the day so my immune system is like an iron wall.

Then we realised that both of the bottles of soy sauce were the low sodium variety, but one had a red cap (Indicating regular soy sauce) and the other had a green cap (Indicating low sodium) Both bottles stated low sodium. Now this isn’t too much of a problem, and I’m not one of those tools who complains about these minor details, but sometimes it’s the attention to detail that turns a place from good into great.

So our sushi eventually arrived, we smashed it down, and when the bill came we had been given R100 off, plus one or two free Cokes (Cola, not cocaine).

Which is cool, but I still can’t understand why Beluga is slipping like this. Word spreads quickly in Cape Town of bad service, and while I will still go back to Beluga, you can’t offer service like that to international visitors.

Anyway, I’m sure we will be back soon to see if things have been corrected.

Click HERE for the Beluga website.

Sean Lloyd

Editor

To those of you new to SLXS today, and wanting to get into the SLXS vibe, I wrote a pearler of a piece yesterday. It was probably my finest hour.

Some of you may ask how I write these things?

Wine. And lot’s of it. Nothing fancy. Nederburg Baronne.

Check out this weeks top rated article on Smarties and fatties over HERE.

Sean Lloyd

Editor

Darkie will showcase its brand new spring/summer range at this year’s Cape Town fashion week which is taking place 13-16 August.

Expect fresh and fast forward streetwear, innovative cuts, funky prints and a show inspired by music from the past, present and future.

Since the dawn of time music and fashion have shared the same space. Both are strong memory indicators. When you think back to key moments in your life, what you were listening to sticks with you just as strongly as what you were wearing.

In terms of tone and attitude the Darkie fashion show will be inspired by musical legends and style icons.

AFTER PARTY: A GLOBAL BREAKTHROUGH PRODUCTION!

Darkie is a street brand with an underground edge. And so it wasn’t long before the match was made and Global Breakthrough was tasked with producing the mother of all after parties. All in attendance will be presented with a visual experience as enticing as the aural force already anticipated by those in the know.

The Global Breakthrough DJ line up:

Pierre

Marshall

Leighton Moody

Peter A

OSKIDO

VJ: After Life

Pierre and Marshall will pick up from where the fashion show ends with an eclectic concoction of sounds blending into all things deep in house.

The location for the after party is The Auto Atlantic – MINI Showroom.

Just a 5 minute walk from the CTICC it is sure to be a big draw card, but it’s the music and the mind blowing custom visuals that will keep people talking long after the party ends.

Purchase tickets:

Online at www.globalbreakthrough.com

Regime- 159 Long Street, Cape Town.

S-Bar – Wembley Square, Cape Town

Sean Lloyd

Editor 

In between my role as the editor of this kick ass website called SLXS and saviour of the earth, other people require my expertees (Expertise? Shows what an expert I really am!) I’m more than happy to help these people as long as sex, alcohol or money is used as a bartering system.

Anyway, being an international man of leisure and pleasure, and a writer with quite some prowess, I was asked to write for www.southafrica-direct.com.

So I contributed a piece entitled “South Africa and their confused energy leaders”

That’s right, go have a read over that. Admire my intellectual mind, my sexual body…my…my…buggered liver.

I also contributed the zeno…xino…ok well the article over HERE.

I trust you would expect nothing less of me.

Sean Lloyd

Editor

I generally try to hang around good looking chicks, because otherwise I get a bad reputation. It’s not that I’m a doos or anything, but I know the fat chick mentality.

They see me talking to one fat chick at a club, and suddenly they think I am “fat chick friendly” which I most certainly am not. I’m as cold as ice towards fat chicks. You also don’t want to talk to them because the slightest hint of friendliness has them thinking that they are going to sleep with you. Trust me…I have experienced these beasts before.

What? I’m serious, I’m not shallow. I just like hot girls.

Anyway, you will all know a fat chick by association. Because all hot girls walk around with a bunch of mingers, so they look ultra hot. As soon as Nicole Ritchie started losing her pies, Paris Hilton dropped her. You see, it’s even proven in Hollywood.

Anyway, talking of fat chicks, I think there are some of you (Not you my readers, some other girls I know, and they know who they are) that have been eating way too many pies over winter. It’s time to go for a run, tubby.

Right back to the Smarties. I give this fat chick…

Wait…is it suddenly rude to say “fat chick”? Must I say big boned?

Well I would pumpkin tits, but bones do NOT get cellulite on them!

And anyway, you call guys fat and it seems ok. At least we get fat by drinking beer and having fun with our friends, instead of having a girls sleep over where you all cry over boyfriends and then tuck into Oreos and ice cream.

Shoooo! I’m mean today…this is the lean and angry editor!

So this chick I know, which I will deny to my death, leaves a box of Smarties in my car the other day. I had to lift her somewhere because she cannot walk. She is not disabled, she’s just lazy. And hence she is fat.

So now I see the God forsaken box in my car and immediately it reminds me of her, which is not a good thing. I pick up the box, careful to use a tissue so as not to get sweat from her grubby paws on my delicately crafted hands.

Smarties: Pull fat chicks into a trance

Anyway I start to read the box and realise why tubby has been given a false sense of security over eating a box of Smarties. The box says:

“Did you know? Smarties is a rich source of energy. Each 25 g serving (25 Smarties) provides 483 kilojoules”

Since when can manufacturers do this? McDonalds could also do this.

“McDonalds is the BEST source of energy in the world!”

Then in small print:

“You going to get thunder thighs you tub of lard”

Honestly, it’s not false information, but it’s putting information in the wrong context I suppose. I mean, it’s ridiculous. And I don’t have time to take Nestle to court (Too busy boning supermodels at the pool) but I’m not worried if they lie or not.

But when they lie, and it affects the girls round me, then I get angry. I know one box of Smarties won’t make you fat, just as one drink won’t make you an alcoholic. But let’s be honest, who can only have one drink? I mean really, I refuse to leave the bottle until it is finished.

Have some dignity, there are sober kids in India and here we leave a bottle half empty!

I can see the scenario already, I’m going to walk into a club one night and see one huge ass bitch. As per usual, I will avoid her, but she will call me.

“Sssssshhhhh…ssssshhhh…..SSSSSSeeeeeaaaaaNNNN!” She will splutter, as another Sweetie Pie gets shoved down the hatch.

“Sorry the slaughterhouse is that way, and they don’t do donkeys” I would casually say.

“SSSSEEEEEaaaaaN it’s me! Kate!”

“Oh Jesus Mary and Joseph! What didn’t you eat skank? You are quite a fatty boom boom!”

“Sean I’m not fat! I’m NOT fat! I’m a rich source of energy!”

“Well unless we want to send another man to the moon, or all want drive Hummers, I don’t think we have a need for that amount energy you pie eating machine”

You see what we are dealing with by Smarties replacing “Smarties are fattening” to “Smarties are a rich source of energy”?

DO you see? DO YOU?

I think the consequences are dire for planet earth. The last thing we need are more girls who are wider than they are tall. No wonder I’m single, all the nice girls are big, and all the skinny girls are stuck up.

I know big girls are nice, and intellectual, and fun to speak to, but honestly, If I wanted to look at your brain, or talk to it, I would.

It’s clear though that I want you to be in shape so you don’t break my back and I at least have some sort of credibility in this town. And please don’t read this and cry…because I know when you cry you eat ice cream.

And let’s be honest…that’s the last thing you or your ass needs right now, because a moment on the lips (Facial) means a lifetime on the hips.

Sean Lloyd

Editor

You have probably already heard this, but I still cannot get over it because it is absolutely sickening! We were at the Red Bull Big Wave Africa a short time ago and I though the waves there were massive.

But while I was shaving my legs and moisturising this evening, I thought of how much more hardcore these guys are than me! Look, I can still pound the cane train, so I do win in that regard. But seriously, take a look at Twiggy over here, in a wave surfed off an unsurfed reef called Tafelberg Reef about 2 kilometres out to sea from Dungeons this past Saturday(While most sane people were hungover or still drinking):

Twiggy: Probably wearing a brown wetsuit

Let’s be honest, that is utterly insane! Firstly, congratulations to Twiggy, that is one of the most awesome displays of control you will ever see. To ride a beast that is around 70 foot is something only a few people will ever be able to do, and to even think of it here behind my computer is quite scary.

Apparently after surfing the wave, Twiggy threw up, courtesy of his best friend, adrenaline.

God it must be cool to be a big wave surfer. Tanned, chilled, chicks absolutely love it and after surfing what can only be described as the ABSA building in Cape Town, you won’t ever have to pay for a drink again.

Look, if I were Twiggy I would go to Hemisphere afterwards, walk up to the hottest chick and say:

“Good evening dear lady, I would like one mouthski please”

She would then probably tell me to go get fu…d.

I would then say:

“Listen bee-atch, I just surfed a 70 foot wave, so the least you can do is surf my 40 incher. In my sport people say you need huge balls, and I rock out with two coconuts every day. Now just touch it…”

This scenario wouldn’t be too far from the truth, because chicks would just bow in to your demands. Unless they are those uber bitchy Cape Town “Yeah I’m a model” chicks. Yeah you know the ones.

The ones who you have to give a Powerpoint presentation to in order to get just a kiss. Then you have to flash the AMEX black card to get them back to your place. Only when they walk into your palace and everything is gold will they sleep with you. Even then some freak out.

“What are you trying to do, are you trying to have sex with me?”

“Um no…I just spent R2000 on drinks for you and your ugly friends, drove you home in my SLK to my palace, and what I really want to do is watch South Park with you”

“Because I don’t just sleep with guys. Besides, I thought we could just be friends”

Oh good God almighty, please take this women away.

Then there are the other psychos, and this is true. Girl hits on guy all night, invites him back to her place. He gets there, starts putting out the moves and then suddenly:

“What the f*%k are you doing? Get out of my house!”

True story. You think this town is crazy, you have not seen Cape Town ca-razee!

Off the topic there though. Anyway, congratulations to Twiggy, you are not well in the head, but major respect to you!

Via WAVESCAPE

Sean Lloyd

Editor

You’ve probably read “You are what you eat” and Patrick Holford’s “Optimum Nutrition Bible” and taken a couple of the tips and used them. There are others you would have avoided, such as “avoid alcohol” You would have also avoided the notes saying you should avoid Steers or any take aways.

Let me ask you this Patrick, how the hell am I supposed to cure a hangover by eating lettuce? It’s not happening. What I do need though is a minced cow pumped full of steroids, placed on a low fibre roll topped with processed cheese that has been made from cows milk that contains r-BST hormone and a piece of lettuce that has been sprayed with chemicals.

I don’t really eat like this though, but in order to keep my name at the top of the leader board of drinking and excess, I even need to make drinking water a cool thing to do. I probably drink about two litres of water a day (Filtered, OBVIOUSLY!) but it does not really fit into my lifestyle of alcohol abuse.

So yesterday I went out to buy a carafe at Boardmans, but they did not have one. I also tried @Home, but they were also out of anything decent. So instead I decided to call it quits, go home, finish all my alcohol and then use those bottles as my water bottles.

GENIUS!

I have some very expensive looking bottles such as Vincent Van Gogh vodka, Skyy vodka and even a bottle of Jack Daniels Single Barrel which can be used for your ice tea!

Gorgeous

So anyway, I filter the water through my Brita water filter which I stole from the Wellness Warehouse and then just decant (“Cant” with an “a”) the clean water into expensive vodka bottles. So when people arrive at my house it looks as though I have been living like a rockstar, even though I just had a thai chicken salad from Kauai! They then see me drinking the “vodka” straight out of the bottle and I basically just sit there while they lap praise on me and the lifestyle I lead. I then get a handski and fall asleep…

There are also some other sneaky tricks I use to be healthy without people knowing. When I go away, obviously I don’t carry my water filter with me, because this would blow my street cred to absolutely nothing.

Instead, I take these things called vivatap, which I also bought at The Wellness Warehouse. All you do is take out one of the mini sachets, drop it into one or two litres of water, stir or shake it well for 4 seconds, then leave it for 5 minutes in the water. Then simple take the sachet out and you have clean water!

I don’t quite know how this works, but apparently it does. It removes chlorine from the water and adds minerals. For a pack of 18 sachets it will cost you R25 and it purifies 36 litres of water.

And there we have it…the healthy way to live all the while keeping up that rockstar image you have been working on!

Sean Lloyd

Editor

So we’ve been chilling in this villa in Cape Town for quite a while now, and I can honestly say that I am doing absolutely nothing right now! I don’t really have to leave this place and it is awesome. But yet I still find myself complaining about things. Which I shouldn’t because I have acres of space to play on, a tennis court, pool table, jacuzzi and a basketball thing going on.

I suppose it’s not too bad…

Anyway every morning when this temple of a body rises I have my day set out for me. A day here comprises of absolutely nothing but chilling! So naturally some TV time is going to come into the equation and if this sounds like an easy lifestyle, I will have you know that it’s NOT!

Nicolas Cage: Bleak that I don’t have to work

I thought I would bang out some Lord of War on the PVR. Easy enough, a lot less stressful than being in an office. Cool, the TV goes on, but now I want to pump the sound through the amp. Right, what turns what on?

12 remotes just chilling 

Ok, THAT makes a lot of sense! Good grief, it looks like some sort of apparatus to launch a space shuttle. Or a control unit for Andy Dick’s vibrator. So even though readers are getting bleak with me because I never seem to do any work, I think we can all agree that watching this TV is not really a pastime but more of a full time occupation.

What? Someone has to do it!

I’ll probably get lost in my walk in cupboard later.

You’re right, things are not going that bad at the moment. Apologies for saying they were.

Sean Lloyd

Editor 

I sometimes still can’t get over what I write. It’s not often that this happens, but the hug/ kiss dilemma will live on as an SLXS literary classic.

Click HERE to read it.

Sean Lloyd

Editor

I don’t normally join all these random groups on Facebook, but I feel this one deserves a special mention because it’s SO close to home! There is a guy at Reddam House (The school) in Cape Town whose name is Benjamin Fogel. He has pledged that if 5000 people join his Facebook group over HERE, then he will do whatever it takes at home affairs to change his middle name to McLovin.

Can you imagine going to school and your name is Benjamin McLovin Fogel? It’s actually too hilarious to not join this group! It’s just something that we as the people of Cape Town have to do.

Cape Town needs this to happen! I need this to happen!

So I’m asking all of you here who are on Facebook to please click HERE and join the group.

It will only take a second and it will make Benjamin a legend, he will score more chicks, get more sex, get given free drinks wherever he goes and he will basically be a better person for it.

He will probably go on to become the mayor of Cape Town…

Sean Lloyd

Editor

I was chilling at the villa the other evening and we were all chatting around the braai, having a few drinks and maxing out the vibe. The story turns onto one of the guys and how long he takes to get ready every day, with people calling him “such a chick” They then laughed at how he has to shower, moisturise, do his hair and only then can he leave the house.

Not wanting to let them know that I actually do these sorts of things myself, I sat there quietly, sipping on a Savannah, all the while wondering if I had my put my Philips Bodygroom on charge!

There was no way I was actually going to make a mention of the fact that I had paid Hemporium a visit a couple of days prior to get some body moisturiser! They would have platzed!

Hemporium is a South African hemp company that was founded in 1996 and uses hemp to make their products. The benefits of hemp is that it is easy to grow, and doesn’t require the vast amounts of water and pesticides that cotton uses. Because some 25% of the worlds pesticides go to cotton farming, making the cotton industry an absolute nightmare to nature.

Unfortunately, many governments see hemp in the same light as weed (Ask your mom to say it. “Mara- joo – wana”) This is not the case though, because it’s not really going to get you high. In any case, the people who want to smoke weed can so easily get hold of it it’s a joke. I can get a pre-rolled bat for ten bucks down the road from me.

You know…if I wanted to…

Industrial hemp has the ability to save so many of our planets resources and it can be used for so many things. One of them being clothing, as Hemporium have shown with their range of hemp clothing.

It can also be made into skincare products, and the one I purchased was the Moisturising Hemp Body Lotion. Good grief, it’s delicious! The smell of it is so natural that I’m tempted to eat it. It’s made with hemp seed oil, vanilla and lavendar essential oils. It also comes in a glass bottle, not plastic, so it’s easy to recycle. It’s not sticky at all and makes you glow, like a runway model! Without the coke addiction…

Hemporium Hemp Body Lotion: All over your body

The problem with government is that they are a bunch of (re)tards. They don’t want industrial hemp to be legalised, but they are so corrupt it’s insane. Do you think that they confiscate cocaine at the airport, and then destroy it? When our cops are getting paid probably less than R5000 per month to put their lives on the line, do you really think they are going to throw out millions of rands of cocaine? Don’t you maybe think it goes back onto the market? Say what you will, but I’m convinced most of the drugs confiscated in South Africa go straight back into circulation. Just an opinion…

Besides, what does our government know anyway? They can’t control the crystal meth (tik) problem, which is far more serious than a couple of stoners enjoying a blunt,going to the corner shop for the munchies and generally not causing any harm.

ANYWAY!

Off the topic, sorry about that.

But Hemporium is an awesome place and they have a great vision and goal of legalising industrial hemp. But as with anything, legalising it will take time. But you can go onto the Hemporium website over HERE and register with them to show your support for the hemp industry, thus further reinforcing and strengthening their goals.

And one day hopefully hemp will become legal. The best way to do this is vote with your wallet and support hemp products from Hemporium. With more demand comes greater trust in the product. and hopefully the clowns sitting in governments around the world will wake up and realise that the cotton industry is killing us and the planet with it’s excessive use of pesticides.

I was a bit bleak when I visited Hemporium because I found a flyer printed on hemp paper. As much as I wanted to blaze the beast up, the lady at the shop assured me that I would not get high. Not ideal.

Hemp paper: Not blazable

Wow, all that writing, and the next thing I know, it’s half way through the morning!

The Hemporium shop in Cape Town is situated in an old cottage and walking in makes you feel right at home. I browsed around, and when the guys called I said I was on my way to play touch rugby, eat steak and drink beer.
Hemporium Cape Town

114 Constantia Main Road

Wynberg

7800

Cape Town

South Africa

Click HERE for the website

Sean Lloyd

Editor