So a couple of Thursdays ago I get this call from these chicks, all hysterical. Laughing, giggling and then some crying. Now you must remember here that these girls are all models in Cape Town and are therefore NOT bad looking at all. In fact they are nothing short of spectacularly delicious looking. So the call comes through and I answer in my ice cool voice:

“Hello this is Sean’s Pink Palace of Love, what can I do you for?”

“Oh my God Sean you have to come out tonight and save us from these disgusting guys that are out tonight. They are all just drunk and rude and keep trying to chat to us. Can you come through?”

“Of course I can sugar, see you now”

“Oh and Sean one more thing”

“What is it sweet cheeks?”

“We…we kind of…we have not really had any action in a while. And we want you to take care of all of us tonight. If you know what I mean”

“Your wish is my command, angel”

So I start rollin’ through the ‘hood in the VR3 and get close to the scene of the clubs when I realise what the models were talking about. The guys were absolutely shattered and smashed. I wondered what went through their minds when they decided to drink that much. I mean I was only having four of 6 drinks because I had stupidly agreed to do a “little” bike ride in Tokai on Friday morning. Three hours is not little, guys. Anyway, these guys at the clubs were getting onto the cane train in a hectic manner.

I thought for a while and then realised “Oh yes. It’s phuza Thursday!” So that explains why these guys were so smashed. I also take it Thursday was a student night somewhere, and these boys were out to take full advantage.

I snapped this pearler of a specimen on the pavement. Utterly, utterly debauched! It’s things like this in life that are too beautiful!

1,2,3…HANGOVER! 

I’m actually surprised I’m writing today.

I mean it is Friday. I can tell this because there is the smell of cheap booze in the air and there are crack heads scuttling down my road on their way to the nearby school. Hook the customers young and they are a customer for life.

Good business skills.

Sean Lloyd

Editor

I was in Cavendish Square yesterday going to buy an assortment of drugs from some of the informal traders in between Cavendish Square and Cavendish Connect. That’s not the point of the story. The point was that crack has gone up exponentially, meaning we can’t afford our bond repayments and are now building a wigwam.

Anyway myself and Charlie V were bombing up the parking circle thing in the Lambogreenie when we noticed something. Some old dude in an advertisment. Naturally my first thought was that this guy was advertising Viagra, like Pele did, or Piel as people referred to him after his Viagra stint. This realisation came to an end when I noticed it was Jeremy Maggs or Jeremy Faggs as he is affectionately known to everyone that does not like him.

Jeremy Maggs HAS slept with your mom 

Actually he is not such a bad guy, but I hate anyone famous. Not because they’re famous but because I’m jealous and it makes me nasty. Not that Jeremy is actually famous in the Hollywood sense of the word, but I’m drinking and I don’t know what I’m talking about.

But I just love how E-TV are advertising their new 24 hour news channel that will air on DSTV. That way they make sure that all the people that previously used to watch it will not watch it anymore because they cannot afford DSTV. These were the very people that actually cared to watch E-TV news because it pertained to news in South Africa.

Now that news will be shown 24 hours a day to wealthier people who don’t care about the local news, but would rather stay tuned to Sky News all day, because they want to know what’s happening in the rest of the world because all their money is held off shore.

I also quite enjoy the fact that they are taking their news readers back to the style of old.

The male newsreader who used to drink, smoke, pose for the camera, shag anyone he wanted, tell any stories he likes because people will believe him and generally be better known for his personality than for his actual news reading skills.

I bet Jeremy cruises around the news room all day just throwing one liners:

“Hey Nicola, you looking good”

“Thanks Jere…”

“Fancy a shag bitch?”

You do now realise, that Jeremy Maggs OWNS YOU?! It’s a little bit crazy I think.

What? It’s Friday? Well drinks don’t mix themselves!

INTERN! Get the boss man a G&T!

Sean Lloyd

Editor 

Cape Town is a very, shall we say, shallow city at times. Everyone is more concerned about their looks and what other people think of them, than anything else in the world. This is true for all of us probably. Maybe…I don’t know.

I remember when vida e caffe opened in Cape Town and suddenly everyone and their dog was drinking coffee. People who never drank coffee were going “No bru I can’t walk if I don’t have my triple screaming foaming skinny mocha choca latte with wings from vida e”

To me this was always a little bit over the top. It’s not that I don’t think vida e are brilliant, it’s just that I don’t think the untrained palette can taste the difference between vida e and Seattle. However, vida e were(are) clever and created a young lifestyle brand. Vida e became a part of people just like Levi’s and other famous brands have over the years. But because we are shallow, and don’t like to admit it, we would always say

“No I only go to vida because they make the best coffee. No I don’t go there to be seen”

Yeah, AND THE POPE IS JEWISH!

This is rubbish because before vida e you never complained about Seattle. However, all the models and fashionistas attached themselves to vida e and to reaffirm your coolness you had to drink coffee there. Because all the cool people were going there and if was the place to be seen. Whenever I go to Seattle I see an older crowd there, and they don’t seem to think the coffee leaves a bitter taste in their mouths.

The coffee trend has died down a little bit and suddenly none of my friends seem to want to “go for coffee” anymore. Honestly, from someone calling every day saying “Let’s go to vida for a coffee” I have had no calls of the sorts in months.

You see, your shallowness has now been replaced with sushi, this seasons hot ticket.

“Bru do you want to go out for sushi at Beluga? It’ll only cost you like R150″

“No I don’t want to go to Beluga for sushi, but I’d love to take your MOTHER Jenny out for a nice seafood dinner and then never call her again” I’m tempted to reply.

Again, it’s not attacking any coffee or sushi brand, or coffee the drink, or sushi the food, it’s attacking the shallowness of people. Just like Cape Town girls had the whole Gucci shades and Vuitton handbag craze a while back, it seems to have died. Jeez Louise, what next?

Well, SUSHI is it for the moment!

Sushi has been around for ages, but once people caught onto it and it’s worldwide “cool factor” it became all the rage. The best thing about it is the fact that people actually think it’s cheap.

Like R13 for a sliver of salmon wrapped in rice is value for money! Jesus, I can buy an entire bag of rice for R20! For an extra R20 the Chinese kid who farmed it gets thrown in as well. And the tiny piece of salmon is hardly worth much itself. People will complain that a burger these days at a place such as Gourmet Burger or Forres is around R50, but they will happily pay R30 for a “plate” of sushi. To those of you aware, a plate for R30 consists of a piece of salmon wrapped in rice, maybe with a bit of mayo and seaweed. My God, are we all on drugs? Are we smoking the crack pipe and taking ketamine?

“You WON’T believe it” people say, as though they have discovered that the petrol price has dropped to R1 a litre, “but I ate like 10 plates of sushi today and it only cost me R150, they having a special on at the moment. Normally that would cost me like over R200″

Well I will be damned, R200 to eat? I can buy a chunk of salmon for R100 and a bag of rice for R20 and make enough sushi to sink the Titanic.

“R35 bucks for that is cheap!” They say, all giddy. “Yeah but your moms still cheaper” I reply.

What are these “specials” actually on? A special for all the stupid people out there that think R150 for sticky rice and raw fish is cheap? Since when did R150 for this become “cheap” I will smash a steak for that price. I will smash you for that price.

What is sushi cheap compared to? Gold? Heidi Fleiss in her day? Brent crude oil? Kryptonite? A trip to the moon?

And since when has sushi suddenly appealed to all our taste buds? What is SO great about it that has everyone talking? I mean, what specifically gets people in a big wank fest about it? Is it the plain rice? Is it really the raw fish? Personally I think people just dig the mayonnaise. But then a chicken burger is also a bit shit if you don’t have that nice big piece of mayonnaise in the centre.

I enjoy sushi, but I’m not tempted to pay R150 for lunch just because it’s cool. What do I gain from this other than to advertise my wealth on Facebook by saying “Sean has just eaten himself sick on sushi at Beluga”

Do I really care? Does anyone really care? Why don’t people put their Facebook profiles as “Joanne just ate herself sick on burgers”?

You know why? It’s because burgers are not cool and they don’t boost your status. It’s not the “Cape Town thing” at the moment.

I mean, for the love of child slave labour, it’s RICE and RAW FISH. Come on, get over yourselves.

You see in Cape Town we always have new ways to guage our success. You were not cool or successful if you didn’t drink coffee. Now you are not cool or successful if you don’t shout your love of sushi form the rooftops.

It’s like in todays blogging world in South Africa, everyone is suddenly an “online marketing guru” or “tech geek” or my favourite, which I gathered from Shaun Oakes, everyone is a “Web 2.0 expert”

Come on guys, the only thing you’re an expert at is being a fully fledged idiot. Just as the blogging world has it’s “cool things”, so does the city of Cape Town.

Not that I’m immune from all this. After all I do live in a consumerism based society and we all have our flaws.

But come on, let’s get over the sushi before I blow a gasket here. Someone get me a quadruple gin and tonic before I overheat and die or at the very least go burn down every sushi bar in Cape Town.

Honestly, you don’t understand how the sushi craze makes me feel inside.

As a little side note here, just to do the whole Cape Town name dropping thing, the first time I NEVER tasted sushi was on a movie set called Ask the Dust. I was a stand in for Justin Kirk, and one day they started walking around on set offering everyone sushi and I was asking people why they were serving such shit food because I did not eat raw fish.

That turned out to be the blindest thing ever said as Colin Farrell’s stand in let me know that Colin had in fact bought that out of his own cash as a treat for everyone on set. Whether that was true or not I never found out, but it sure as hell wasn’t craft service that made it! Once again…you can take the boy out of Claremont, but you can’t take Claremont out of the boy. I’m pure class!

Sean Lloyd

Editor

You might recall a post I wrote a while back entitled “Have you seen the Bentley?” Ok obviously we now know it’s not a Bentley, but Baglett seems to have found the car and taken a photo.

Basically some weird guy has a numberplate “Gynae 1″ Check it out HERE.

For my original post, with it’s incorrect title, click HERE.

Sean Lloyd

Editor

I love it when the press do little things like this because it always brightens up my day. It’s kind of like the movie makers of the old days where they would slip one frame into the film of a naked person, and you would sit there thinking “Did I just see some tits?”. Or illustrators would discreetly show Jessica Rabbit with no underwear.

Peoples Post managed to slip this one by yesterday. Enjoy the headline:

SACS sex case heads to the high court.

Enjoy the fact that the whole story has been revolving around handskis, mouthskis, stick up the bumskis and the like. Obviously a mouthski is also known as “getting head” and someone managed to slip this into the headline.

I nearly veered off the road when I saw this because it was truly shocking. You just don’t expect to see such smut in a family neighbourhood.

Oh but you people are so immature… 

Yeah but my immense piece more than makes up for it.

Sean Lloyd

Editor 

In my life I have been blessed with many talents. One of those talents is eating which I like to partake in every day. I also drink every day and so am somewhat of an expert in those fields. I also like to look at women every day, to choose who my wife will be. Obviously I’m not ready to get married just yet, because I still need to have elective surgery to bring me down from a staggering 42 inches to a semi manageable 20 inches.

Until then people refuse to marry me, or even date me.

So due to this God given talent of being able to spot someone who would suit me and my lifestyle, I also have an eye for spotting girls who would do well in modelling shoots and sometimes act as a bit of a model scout.

I actually don’t work for any agency but just try get photos of hot chicks which I then keep on my hard drive for future reference. You know…to see the stitching on their clothing because I’m an avid fashion designer as well.

Last week myself and my good buddy Charlie V went to the quaint area of Pinelands in Cape Town to do some scouting. Because Pinelands is such a quiet and secluded suburb, we thought it would be the ideal place to search for models. It’s often these places where you find smoking belters, because they have not yet been picked up by Cape Town modelling agencies and therefore are not bitchy and I still might have a chance of scoring them.

I acted as the driver while Charlie V snapped away. I think Pinelands might be this years hottest find and Shine will probably be calling me up soon and asking me to help them with some model scouting. Having eagle eyes for spotting birds, myself and Charlie V define this years “look” by showcasing the best of Pinelands. Calm yourself boys…

First up we have Betty, keeping herself in Gisele Bundchen shape by cycling everywhere. She is also taking care of the planet by cycling and she likes long walks on the beach, in the rain, while listening to “Yellow” by Coldplay.

Betty

Next up we have Door Handle who likes Bill Bryson books and lazy days around the pool sipping champagne. I never asked about her cocaine habit though, but I’m sure she has one. She perfectly illustrates below her skill at ramp modelling complete with the lady in the red top speechless at how gorgeous she looks.

Door Handle

Here we have the team of Gertrude and Billy. Gertrude is the dominating factor here, seen as she strides ahead of Billy while he tries to pull other chicks by cracking out the “Blue Steel” Billy is also famous for the other move called the “Lollipop” where he puts his finger in his mouth, and gives an uber sexual look as if to say “I’m a lady slayer”

Gertrude and Billy

Below here we have Skipping Rope who would be the perfect model. Suffering from a major alcohol addiction she even has an Alcoholics Anonymous sticker on her back windscreen, letting people know that they must not offer her alcohol, nor should they tow her if she is found blind drunk in the street, on a red line.

Skipping Rope

Lastly we have Foxy Roxy, sporting this winters new black, which is green. See how delicately the green blends in with the surrounding bushes. Clearly Roxy has an eye for spotting colours, and therefore she has a keen fashion sense. Modelling seems the obvious next step.

And that’s it really, Pinelands is clearly the fashion capital of Cape Town, and possibly the world. Remember…you heard it first on SLXS, Cape Towns most notorious, crude and hated website!

Sean Lloyd

Editor

We just heard that The Roundhouse Restaurant in Cape Town opened today. I’m pretty sure we will visit it somewhere along the line. This is just a short mention of it for the meantime, with a link to The Roundhouse Restaurant over HERE.

For reservation please call 072 277 2236 or e-mail info@theroundhouserestaurant.com

Wooo hoooo another new place to eat and get drunk in Cape Town!

As if I need any encouragement…

Sean Lloyd

Editor

We were in Stellenbosch on Saturday on a 12 hour binge and while utterly,utterly legless I started thinking of crazy things that I would do for big cash. Some of them are not fit for human eyes to read, but in our cane/vodka/beer/whisky/gin state we all started saying the craziest things. Like would you have sex with a goat? Have two fingers removed? Eat a pile of horse shit? Stand naked in the middle of Cape Town for a week?

And mostly, maybe because we were drunk, we said we would do it for R3 million. Thinking about the interest alone on R3 million was enough to seal the deal for us. You could pay off a nice apartment, or you could just pay off the bond and rent the place out. You could even buy a whole property.

You could chill all day, and while not living a completely excessive life, you wouldn’t be too worried about life. You could take your money and give it to some place like Allan Gray to invest and get even better returns on your cash. It’s like a pilot we all know, who once said he will fly anywhere for money.

“Hell I’ll even fly up your ass if the money is right!”

There is some crazy stuff we would do, but it all comes down to the new culture of earning ridiculous amounts of money for doing virtually nothing. No studying, no working, but big bucks.

It’s probably best we stop drinking before we actually go ahead and do something crazy like that with the goat.

Hell, some people do that for free…

Sean Lloyd

Editor 

While I’m not much of a fan of comments on blogs for some bizarre reason( I’m bulimic) there have been loads of e-mails asking me why I don’t allow comments. The latest e-mail came from none other than Shaun Oakes Himself and I would be a fool not to listen.

So now like a little kid bowing to peer pressure and eating the tik sandwich then feeling up the art teacher, you can now comment.

This allows you to promote your own website while at the same time telling me what an idiot I am and that you hate me. Awesome!

I probably won’t reply to comments because deep down inside I’m lazy, so if you really want to know something pertaining to Cape Town, chicks, booze, or you need anything organised in Cape Town, or you really just want a reply, then don’t hesitate to e-mail me at seanl@slxs.co.za

Now stop buggering around and get back to work, it’s Monday. I’m going to Stellenbosch to play X-Box.

Sean Lloyd

Editor

When not out partying, I sometimes write some rubbish that people find mildly amusing. They then e-mail me and tell me how funny I am. More often than not people send me the telephone numbers of drug rehab centres because they are concerned that I might be in the deep throes of a raging tik addiction. Some people even think I’m on ketamine (A horse tranquilizer) None of this is true but here are some articles that I received the most e-mails about. Just click the names of them to be directed to the article:

The history of Jan Smuts Drive in Cape Town- A pearler of a piece, I might have been a bottle of whisky down when writing it. I can’t really remember. Maybe I was drinking gin and tonic. Who knows…

Cocaine and champagne could save the world- To all of you who aspire to be like Robbie Williams and Kate Moss, this is for you.

News Cafe and their rubbish service- After a particularly bad experience at News Cafe at Cape Town International, I felt compelled to type up one of the funnier restaurant reviews of my life. Awesome. People still e-mail me about it. Humour of the highest quality.

The hug/kiss dilemma- Probably my most popular piece to date, it looks at that dilemma we all come across. The one of when meeting someone, do you hug them, kiss them, or do both? Rude and dirty, this one is a treat.

That’s it really because I don’t have too much more on my mind at the moment. Other than filth, as you will have gathered by the previous couple of posts. It’s probably only going to get worse before it gets better.

Sean Lloyd

Editor

While my smut inspired dildo post was picked up at The House Of Marketing over HERE, I decided to delve deeper into the situation(Mind deep in the gutter at the moment, apologies to the younger readers)

From what I gather, the new fleet of dildos has been inspired by Kulula’s previous ad campaign,and is actually more subtle. However, if I was Kulula’s agency, which is King James, I would have combined the wording from the old adverts with the picture from the new ad. You might remember the old ads over HERE with the line “Come fun with us”

Enjoy those adverts on that link, because all the peoples mouths are wide open. I think Kulula.com are having an inside joke here, because with the line “Come fun with us”, wide open mouths and now the dildo, there is a definite connection! I just had to connect the dots. Awesome!

“Come fun with us”

With the filth on my mind at the moment I bet some of you are thinking that I have a potty mouth. Potty mouth potty mouth!

I won’t lie I could smash a drink right now. Gin and tonic. Do it. Do it.

Bartender!

Sean Lloyd

Editor

With the current debate (Not to be confused with a maths debate considering the current topic of conversation) over SACS and their kids playing fiddle fiddle, I thought it necessary to find out what this all stands for. Anyway I couldn’t find the answer myself, but some guy commented over HERE at Splattermail and let us know what the word SACS stands for.

Luckily this guy cleared it up so we can all get back to work.

It’s a beautiful day out isn’t it?

Sean Lloyd

Editor

Remember when I spent some time in Epping a couple of weeks ago? Well I went back yesterday to find the Holy Grail!

Now it has taken us 23 years to find this. I was beginning to believe reports that it doesn’t even exist. Charlie V points right to the spot.

That looks delicious. I’ll eat there.

VICTORY! Apparently some American Medical Journal is coming to interview us later today.

We are like modern day treasure hunters.

Sean Lloyd

Editor

Anyone with a fairly dirty mind and living in Cape Town will know that there is an advert on the N1(It is the N1 I believe. Mind like a brick at the moment) telling us that Kulula’s new fleet of planes has arrived. What someone forgot to tell Timothy at the ad agency, is that the new planes look like dildos in the photo. Or at least like an advert for some sort of “bubbled” condom, shying away from the “ribbed” of old.

That looks lovely

It’s awesome to have these massive flying Johnsons in the air above us.

“Air hostess, can I have some extra CHEESE on this sandwich. And some of that extra creamy sauce that is so delicious”

I know I have been quiet lately, but my mind is back in the gutter and we are looking at an onslaught of filth in the next few posts. Brace yourselves.

UPDATE: For more developments on this advert, please click HERE.

Sean Lloyd

Editor

Wow this has been a hectic silence. It kind of reminds me of the time I had this MILF in my bed, and was going around telling all my mates about it. Eventually I take out the video we had made the previous night called One Night In Louise

My mate pipes up:

“I’m going to kill you”

“Ha ha jealousy makes you nasty!” I SHOUTED.

“My mom is Louise you bastard!”

He didn’t speak to me for a while after that.

Anyway that didn’t really happen but it was a good story for illustrative purposes. For the purpose of illustrating the silence. Anyway I have been semi-busy and I was in Constantia yesterday on some sort of mission. I can’t really tell you about it because it’s classified. Kind of. What I can tell you is I nearly died a few weeks ago and in a piece I will probably call “A dog walker nearly caused my untimely death” you will see how I came to within pulling my foot back, striking, and missing the bucket. That’s right, I nearly kicked it. I nearly cancelled my life membership.

To those of you who know me, the answer is no. No, I was not running with scissors when this happened. Sometimes, as those of you who are allowed into the inner depths(I’m quite deep) of my life will know, I just like to run with scissors. Because it makes me feel dangerous.

I might have the post up by the end of the day but I’m off at 12:30 to do some shenanigans. And no they don’t involve my supermodel girlfriend. I also have an interview which I’m too lazy to type up. If someone could get me a gin and tonic I would be more than happy to write it up.

Tanqueray please Barton.

No really it’s a pearler of a day today and I’m sure I will spend the later hours in some sort of bar or restaurant. I don’t know, it’s all up in the air at the moment.

I will also let you in on a cool little story on how to blow R6 billion on something you don’t really need. It’s quite a rad day to be sitting on the grassy knowl in Cape Town today which I indeed will do.

AND…I also have a little something to say on Kulula’s new fleet of aircraft. And on something I really have been battling to find in Cape Town. Actually…I have been battling to find it anywhere.

Stay tuned you don’t want to miss this one!

Sean Lloyd

Editor