In a move that should prompt Schweppes to pack lube(Durex Play- Heat, Feel etc for extra sensation or plain old KY for old times sake), we have a new playa on the block.

This rogering up the backside of Schweppes comes courtesy of Chele.

That’s a diet Chele tonic and Tanqueray because I told the supermodel if she puts on even 500 grams, I will throw her out the apartment. I think 41 kilograms is plenty of women to handle thank you very much.

You see for many years my parents told me that they would only pour me a gin and tonic if the tonic was from Schweppes. They also refused to pour me a vodka and cola if it was anything but Coca Cola. And so I agreed with them, and they allowed me to drink as much as I liked, thinking that by feeding me booze at a young age I would grow out of it.

Well mom and dad, I never did. Check this wicked photo of me earlier this week. But my folks will be glad to know that I made it into the room this time. I used to pass out vomiting on myself in the bath. But my body has grown stronger and now my legs get me to the room. Not quite into the bed, but I’m working on that. Another four years and I should be fine. Enjoy my Hugh Hefner robe:

A God. Drinking amongst mere mortals.

So what I have been meaning to say is that Chele seems to be the choice these days in various Cape Town establishments. Except when it comes to cola, they still use Coke and Coke Light because nothing comes close to Coke. If Chele could get into the creme soda business they might just dominate Terrace in Stellenbosch (Enjoy a cane and creme soda there in a plastic cup) Sparletta would then find themselves bending forwards, jug of lube in hand, as they feel a large one being inserted courtesy of Chele Cream Soda.

I don’t know why the sudden change from brands, but I’m guessing price plays a big part. Especially in clubs where everyone is so rat arsed that they actually can’t taste the difference between a gin and tonic and a vodka and coke, and so there is no chance they will taste the difference between Chele and Schweppes.

I must say, Chele offer a damn good tasting selection, and I have chosen them as my brand of choice.

And there we have it, a swift brand change taking place in Cape Town. Cape Town loves changing though and one week it’s coffee, the next it’s sushi. One week it’s Fez, the next week it’s Bang Bang. Where did Rhodes House go? Ah the fickle Cape Town crowd!(Myself included)

I’m surprised Tiger Tiger is still going strong. I can just see myself arriving next week waiting for Jane to give my my customary handski before we go in and I leave her in pursuit of the 2 for 1 cane and cream soda special, and then I arrive next week and she has found a better club. That would disappoint me.

God have you been to Tiger Tiger on a Saturday? It’s insane. You basically go in there as a young guy and wait for the sugar mommies to latch onto you. They aren’t subtle either. They grab, bite, touch, unzip…ooooh can you feel that?
You WILL pull 28 year olds. I’m not joking. True story.

So there we have it, this weeks brand round up.

And if Schweppes don’t watch out, Chele are going to round up all their beverage varieties and give them a good old Texas Cowboy.

Or even a Trojan War Helmet.

Sean Lloyd

Editor