Always in the pursuit of happyness, I was searching around on some websites today doing research of sorts. I managed to window shop at Distell, Edward Snell and Brandhouse when I cam across an absolute treat and you probably don’t know about it yet. But that’s where I come in!

So I stumbled upon the Bergkelder Vinoteque Wine Bank. What is it you may ask? That’s exactly what I asked myself when I found it. Luckily there is a FAQ section. And I tell you what…this is quite something! On the about section you are told that you get your own private cellar, optimally matured wines, the services of a Cellar-master, delivery service, a unique tasting and entertainment facility and buying just one case of wine makes you a member!

So the Vinoteque is a wine bank where wines are matured under perfect conditions and you can select from the wines on offer. And the website says it’s only R22 per year to mature a case of wine.

Good Lord!

“Jones, won’t you get me another glass of that caber…caber…cabinet sov…sov-in…sovin-yon. Yes that Cabinet Sov-in-yon! Oh it’s delicious!”

“Why of course sir”

Jones the butler pours a tipple for his master.

“Oh I can taste the juniper berries…and…oooooh a hint of red pepper with a leafy oak tree on the end note and a just a hint of…is that…is that…raspberry…yes it is! Jones that is spectacular!”

“Sir that was your Grapetizer starter”

“What? Are you mad? Jones don’t ridicule me like that! I know my wines and I know them well and that is a damn good 1987 Cabinet Sooooo…vin…um…yon.”

“Of course yes sir”

Just goes to show, most of these flavours they talk about are made up.

But the wine bank is a cool idea anyway, if anything, when chatting to Cape Towns notorious ice queens at Ignite, you can tell them that you have your own wine cellar.

That should be a good ice breaker. Another good ice breaker with these Ice Queens is “I have a villa in Camps Bay and an AMEX Black card” They fall for rich guys ALL the time.

But this is not an option for all of us.

Click VINOTEQUE for the website and all the details.

While I’m at it, if you want to buy South African wine online then please visit GETWINE.CO.ZA

Oh…and there is also The Wine Of The Month Club.

It’s winter so let us drink to that!

Please drink responsibly and in moderation etc etc… it makes me sound good.

Sean Lloyd

Editor

So the week before last I was quite busy and I had to pay a little visity visit visit to Investec in Cape Town. Yeah the place where guys pack it in at 1pm to go to Beluga for lunch in their Bentleys and Rolls. So anyway, the situation was that I had to deliver three magnums of Moet & Chandon to Investec. God knows why, but it was expensive stuff(This is a true story)

So I roll in thinking that due to my stature and well cultivated name I would breeze past security and walk into the twilight zone, deliver the booze, lunge for Jane in accounts, get a handski in the mail room and then leave.

Well no!

I walked in the front doors to be met by the reception lady, who asked where I was from and who I was coming to visit. So I give her all the necessary details, and she tells me to get into the lift and go to the 4th floor or something. So I do this, and get to another floor where I see another reception desk, manned by quite a stunner. She was very domineering though and I didn’t even attempt to try and hook her, because that would be asking for my main chap to be chopped off and fed to the pigeons. So I see her, a security guard and a set of turnstiles which can only be accessed with this guys security card.

I stroll up to the desk of this chick in her power suit and tell her what I’m here for, which is to try and find a sexy girlfriend. No that’s a lie, but it would be cool. Winter is getting lonely! I let her know that I was the safeguarder of the Moet and that I was here to deliver it. She asks for my name and cellphone number, which I thought was very forward of her! I mean honestly…we hadn’t even spoken and I had not shown her mine, and she had not shown me hers. I was liking it, the whole dominatrix thing. Like a chick picking you up in a bar.

But this never happens because chicks who do that are a little rough, probably ride Harleys and chain smoke Texan plain. And they will chop your kok off and sacrifice it to the diesel dykes.

So then I think “Cool it’s over, she should let me through” She then says to me “Look into the camera”

By this stage I was highly confused and I think I was wearing my “I’m a brick and have an IQ of 12″ face. I did not have a clue why she was asking me to look into the camera, so I looked at it with the dumbest face possible. She could have at least said “Pose for the camera, you sexy man beast you” and at least then I could have angled my head a bit to show my chiseled cheek bones.

But no, I stood there, sweating from the drive, looking at the camera as though I were being sentenced to prison for shagging a goat, and I see her press a button ad BOOM…photo taken! This might sound really stupid, but I didn’t register at first that she was going to actually take a photo. I didn’t even register when she asked me to look into the camera.

Why else would she ask me to look into the camera? There is only one reason and that is to take a photo of me. But I am so stupid I didn’t realise this. Now Investec have my details on their system and my beautiful photo. It’s highly embarrassing that the worst photo ever taken of me has to be stored on Investecs database for everyone to laugh at! Funny guys…but after laugh laugh comes cry cry!

Investec is like a palace though, with gourmet food being seen on some of the desks, people sitting takka takka takka-ing on their keyboards, making millions, thinking about the Camps Bay party in the evening, trying to hook up with the hot girls working with them and so the story goes. I won’t lie there were a few people working there that I would definitely tap. Unfortunately my look on the day was not dapper, it was rather of me wearing worn cargo pants, sweating like a hooker with three magnums of Moet under my arm.

I either looked like a serial killer or a raging alchoholic.

Not the best of looks when you are trying to impress these 30 something angels in their power suits.

Sean Lloyd

Editor

Every so often something on the internet catches my eye. Sometimes it’s Gisele Bundchen naked, sometimes it’s breaking news, other times it’s just stupid celebrity stuff such as Megan Fox looking smoking hot. But a lot of the time it has got to do with money, and the excess lifestyle that can be had if you are heir to an oil fortune or just happen to have parents that invented Tik(Methamphetamine) Then you generally have loads of cash. However, there are some things you just cannot afford, even if you are fairly wealthy and stay in a decent suburb.

I bet you cannot afford R250000 per night to stay in a villa in Cape Town during World Cup 2010! Thats a quarter of a million ront every single day! And it doesn’t even come with a happy ending…nor are the walls sand blasted with cocaine! It’s quite outrageous, but even more outrageous is the fact that there will be someone out there who will be able to afford it. Think about it, 8 nights stay there and you could have pumped a R2 million house…and kept it!

But then again R250000 is not that much when you see how much money some people have. It’s probably a days worth of interest for some. In those terms it’s nothing really. R250000 is probably their equivalent of my R250. I won’t lie though, you would definitely come right in that villa. I don’t even know why I mentioned that because it’s SO obvious.

Bra…off

Panties…off

Making kids while enjoying the view…affirmative

You play it all cool though. You come off Clifton, tanned, white boardshorts, and put on a cream linen shirt. You comb your hair back and slip on your Gucci shades. All very low key stuff here.

You walk up to La Med and take a seat near to the hottest women at La Med. You inch closer to her. Eventually you are sitting right next to her, with a Coke looking drink in your hand(There is a reason)

“Hello” you say, in a faux European accent vibe thing.

“I hope I’m not disturbing you” you purr.

“Um…sort of…” she says nervously.

“Can I buy you a drink?” you say, with a twinkle in your eyes.

“Um…I kind of have a boyfriend, and he is going to be here soon, but thanks”

“I don’t know how to put this…but I have a very small penis”

“Um…what? Can you please move away from me freak show”

“That came out all wrong. I have a very small penis, and so to compensate for that I decided my only chance was to become disgustingly wealthy. I’m kind of…I’m kind of a billionaire”

“A billionaire drinking that shitty drink”

“That is a Lagavulin my lady”

“No buddy that’s Coke!”

“Yes, a Lagavulin and Coke. I sometimes actually wash my dishes with Lagavulin, I have tons of the stuff. What I wanted to tell you was that I have no natural charm. And a very small wang. But I’m very rich”

At this point you get up, and drop a bank statement in her lap confirming that you are a billionaire. She looks up at you with those “I could swallow a tree trunk” eyes. She stands up, you take her hand, you crack wood.

Right then her boyfriend comes sauntering up and confronts you.

“What are you doing with my girlfriend FOOL” he demands, as you are now holding her delightfully perky ass.

“I have a one inch penis”

And then you just walk off, leaving him dazed and confused. That’s it really. If you had huge cash, a situation like this would not be far out of reach. Obviously the boyfriend might want to kill you, but that is why you have a bodyguard.

I don’t know where this story was going, but it just goes to show that no matter how ugly, or small you are, money will cure all.

So if you are battling to come right or are just not as well hung as Ron Jeremy, then you should consider becoming a billionaire. It works wonders.

Trust me, this villa is what we refer to as a panty dropper.

Click HERE to check out some more pics. And anyone wanting to sponsor me a night at the villa for free, don’t hesitate to contact.

Sean Lloyd

Editor

A little reminder, there are a few parties coming up.

Click URBAN WAVE and TWENTY BRAND to see what is happening.

Sweet.

Sean Lloyd

Editor

An interesting thing about last week’s Good Food and Wine show was that it was actually labelled The GOOD Food and Wine Show. Clearly their idea of good and my idea of good are two completely opposite things. For one they had a pie stand. This is great because I was hammered beyond all means and pies did look good, and they were free. But it’s not really what you would expect at a food show. There was also the stand giving away samples of crumbed chicken. Again, when completely debauched this looks like a good option and it is. But it does not really fall under the theme of “good”

I won’t lie the only reason I went was because there was loads of wine on offer. I don’t really drink wine but for R45 I could not resist tasting every single available wine three or four times over.

Things at the CTICC are not always planned too well, and sometimes we go to things there that are not ideal. I heard Winex was a bit of a mess. Look, if I had not drunk as much as I did as the Good Food and Wine Show, it might not have been that good. But I did and it was.

Another interesting thing was the bag you received upon entry. You are more likely to get better food at a night shelter…and I’m not joking. I didn’t expect to receive any food in the bad but I did get a packet of ACE instant porridge(Maize) Classy. Then there was the Royco Cottage Pie Cook in Sauce. Again, classy. Packed with MSG and with nothing “good” about it, you would think we were sitting in at amateur hour.

Maize. A delicacy. In Zimbabwe.

I don’t really have much more to say because it bores me, but the game could be stepped up for next year.

Alternatively I will have to drink a vat of wine again and see what happens…

Apologies to the sober people at the food show. You were probably bored. I wasn’t, I had the time of my life.

By the display I put on I think the whole of Cape Town knows I had an awesome time!

Sean Lloyd

Editor

In the old days I used to see loads of jeans that I liked and that I wanted to EAT. My current pair of Levi’s are around 7 years old and are now starting to fall apart. Every time I repair a hole, a new one appears and so I decided to test the waters of the jean industry this past week and see how it has changed since I last bought jeans (Levi’s 507 bootcut, old school) Well it seems the industry has turned into an absolute mess!

The trend to be emo is clear with skinny black jeans being all the rage. For men. Another trend I’m noticing is the revival of anything on the back of the jeans that has to do with metal. Jeans used to have rivets on the back of them but these were removed in response to school boards complaining that the rivets on the jeans that students wore were damaging the school chairs. Cowboys also complained that these rivets were damaging their saddles(SOURCE). This was in the 1960’s and clearly the people who now make jeans are on a large amount of drugs.

Jeans from the likes of Energie and even Levi’s are being produced with zips on the back of them, and even massive metal buttons. I know it’s not quite as popular as in the John Travolta days, but I still like to sit on my car. I do. That’s what I like to do. But if I buy these new jeans, it’s going to look like little Timmy from next door took sandpaper and sanded my entire bonnet down. Do these jeans makers think car paint has changed much since the 1960’s? Do they now think paint is non scratch? It’s ridiculous!

So I had to pass on these jeans because they will damage my car. Then I found some cool jeans from Nudie at Woolworths but they were so tight as to ensure that I will not have kids one day. I could barely move without popping a nut(Sorry, I had to) Besides my immense piece was on show in these jeans, and while much of my day to day inspiration is taken from Ron Jeremy (Ron can actually give himself a mouthski, awesome), I prefer to keep more low key. Then eventually I found a nice fitting pair of jeans at Levi’s, but I didn’t like the over dyed look. Personally I want the fit of the Levi’s and the look of the Nudie jeans. But I can’t find anything like this. I personally believe that they should only have ever made three pairs of mens skinny pants ever. EVER. And these would have been made for The Bee Gees, the classic nuthugger look.

Wear skinny pants. If you are one of these three men.

So I strolled into Diesel at the V&A Waterfront because there were signs on the window saying “Sale 50% off” Which would have been great if they stocked anything! Seriously…there were about four pairs of jeans on the shelves. What is the point? Ok so maybe everyone came in and bought jeans on sale, but get some more stock you idiots. And have a 50% sale constantly, that will make the average pair of jeans about R1 million.After the mess that I had been witness to I could not actually be bothered looking for jeans, so I paid my R10 parking and left. R10 for about an hour? What, are the V&A Waterfront staff eating lunch at Beluga every day? The Waterfront is a beautiful place, if you’re a tourist and coming in with pounds. The shop assistants hear your accent is American, and immediately prices jump by 300% and your credit card gets raped and pillaged. Nice.

Sean Lloyd

Editor 

I know this sounds quite weird, but I read a lot of fashion magazines and I kind of have a photographic memory when it comes to magazines and people in them. I don’t have a photographic memory for anything else though. If I did I wouldn’t have got 31% for standard grade maths in matric. True story. Not even Master Maths could help me.

So the other day I’m taking a stroll through Canal Walk when I see possibly the most stunning girl of my life. Like seriously sexy, wearing her come to bed eyes and looking like sex. I made a beeline towards her as she was coming down the escalator to the bottom floor where Stuttafords is. I then heard her accent and I have no idea what it was, but it was not english.The crazy thing is, she looked like Esther Canadas! Foir those of you not aware of Esther, click HERE to see her. I’m not joking, I nearly tripped on wood when I saw her and heard her accent.

I quickly scuttled away, unable to stop blushing. I was like a little school kid!

Anyway a few days later I go to the Sexpo, and see some guy who I was sure was Shaun de Wet. I remember this because GQ featured him a while ago (The photographic memory thing)

Then I go to the Good Food and Wine Show and I’m chilling afterwards at Neighbourhood when I look across and I think I see Damien van Zyl.

But I just kept it quiet, because most people will think I am mad, you know, recognising male models and all.

I know these guys are South African, so it would not be out of place to see them in South Africa, but they usually work overseas.

Does anyone know if they are actually in Cape Town, or am I just a raging tik addict?

And for the female models out there, you do realise that I’m still single don’t you?

Sean Lloyd

Editor

This is just a little quick note before my body says cheers for the day and I collapse. Because after last night I have been reduced to rubble! RUBBLE! What has come of my life?

Last night we went to this Good Food and Wine Show thing, after getting our tickets for R25,95 by purchasing Marie Claire. Upon entrance we had to buy a wine glass for R20. So basically you are looking at R45,95 and you can, and will, drink as much wine as you like. I couldn’t actually function last night, but it was great. There were some weird things such as the name being “The Good Food and Wine Show” but in the bag they give you at the entrance, you get a packet of Royco Cottage Pie cook in sauce and a packet of ACE Instant Porridge. Not quite high class, but things at the CTICC are always a little funky.

Thanks to the guys at the pie stand, where I spent ther last 30 minutes or so of my visit. I was utterly utterly debauched and all the food that looked good needed to be paid for. I was not keen on paying for food, I wanted to do this on the cheap. So I sat at the pie stand just eating all the samples! I even made them cook more samples for me, they were like Gods to me last night. Thank you! The biltong on sale was delicious as well, get the biltong from the stand next to the tequila stand. It’s not dried out like most of the donkey meat we buy these days.

As I said earlier, I never took many photos but oddly enough I do have photos of the people from Piemans! Quite bizarre to say the least. I also have some of the mini tasting glasses from Paulaner in Cape Town. I don’t think I was supposed to take them home but I now have three in my house. Paulaner, if you want them, drop me an e-mail. It was quite a crisis last night, because there is no limit on how many wines you can taste. Considering that most of the stands pour you a very small amount, maybe a quarter of a glass at most, I must have tasted around 80 wines. Ballpark.

Photo 1

Photo 2. That’s all I took! I should be fired.

If you go on any one of the days, visit the NOMU stand and buy some of the NOMU tomato and chilli pesto mix, it’s awesome. I might also interview one of the exhibitors who has made a really cool wine rack. If I get round to the interview. Not right now I’m afraid, I’m on nuclear alert.

NOMU: Tasty

That’s it for now because it’s Friday and I’m not feeling too much love. Just picked up a rad order from the post office which I will tell you about in the new week.

BOOM!

P.S I’m going again tonight, see you all there! The show runs until Sunday, radness!

Sean Lloyd

Editor

Well well well! I don’t know if you saw me out in Cape Town last night. I was at The Good Food and Wine Show. After that I went out to Neighbourhood. You might have seen or heard our crew. Wow. Crazy. You might even have a couple of our business cards. Ignore that, I go on frenzies where I hand them out. Thanks to everyone involved, I’m sure there is a write up somewhere once this demon child gets out of my body.

Bad vibes this morning. I’m considering going to the Good Food and Wine Show again this evening because last night got messy and I forgot to take photos.

Having an unlimited supply of wine for R25 is always going to end very very messy. If you go tonight, be sure to visit the blonde girl at the Tang stand. We probably hit about 6 shooters there, I couldn’t get enough of her.

She thought I was stalking her.

I thought I was playing it smooth.

I woke up alone this morning.

Just another day in my life!

Sean Lloyd

Editor 

It turns out there is a Good Food and Wine Show happening at the Cape Town International Convention Centre (CTICC) and tickets are R75. I’m not keen on paying that for a show that I’m not particularly intrigued about because I eat and drink every day. Well we now have the answer.

Go out and buy the May 2008 Marie Claire and you get a free ticket! The magazine is retailing for R25,95. Guys can buy the magazine as well as I have done. I don’t care, I’m saving R50. Granted that smoking belter that was behind me in the queue now thinks I’m gay, but I don’t care. She’s a model. But I had her in Plett in ‘97 and she was rubbish. She has put on a lot of weight though since I spent the night with her. Probably like 30kg’s, she looks at least 55kg’s now. Cracker bee-atch.

Incidentally the editor of Marie Claire is Kate Wilson. Kate is the cousin of my friend Mike(Your boy in advertising in Cape Town). Kate has a sister(Single) who is around my age. She is easy on the eyes. Blonde.

Mike…your cousins quite nice!

Anyway before I dig a deeper hole for myself I must go. Here is what the ticket looks like(By the way it’s only valid for Thursday 15 May and Friday 16 May between 10h00 and 21h00). I included a little something as well, found on page 106 and 107 of Marie Claire. The chick is not quite my vibe, but she does have a fit body and I definitely would.

Cheeky girl!

I’d tap that.

Sean Lloyd

Editor