Sometimes you think there can’t possibly be any more money and complete excess in this city and then something else comes along and blows your mind to pieces. Kids just run amok in Cape Town and I must admit, I’m fine with it. My school days were a little different at a public school where…you know…our parents were not quite in the same league as some of the other schools.

Look we still maxed out the fun though, from drawing disgusting things on the school board to throwing chicken skin onto the roof of Docs Biology class which earned me a nice little afternoon in detention, which is where the conceptualisation for SLXS came from. Actually it didn’t, but anyway.

So we all know about the Lamborghini that is seen at Bishops, but now there seems to be a new matric kid on the block.

I was driving through Rondebosch and saw, I think it was either a Bentley or a Rolls Royce, with the number plate “Matric 08″ Unfortunately I drive a monumentally slower car and so lost sighting of this beast and could not get a photo. So if anyone has a photo of this car, or sees it and manages to get a photo, it would be THE radness if you could e-mail it to me at seanl@slxs.co.za You know, so we can show people how kids in this city roll. Damn there is a lot of money floating around! These are the same kids that will finish school and go on to have disgustingly expensive cocaine addictions. Probably. Because cocaine’s a hell of a drug!

I highly doubt the car belongs to the parents of a Rustenberg girl or a SACS boy. I’m thinking along the lines of…Herschel.

I still remember being so broke in school I used to sell crack sandwiches to the kids outside the junior school. Because once you get the kids hooked young, they are customers for life. I still get a nice income from returning customers and with that money I buy small little things. Only small things though that the tiny bit of crack money offers. Like Michel Herbelin watches and Gucci sunglasses.

Drug money- Buys me nice lifestyle accessories

You think I’m joking? A lifestyle like this does not get earned through an honest living! I mean my name might not even be Sean.

Up until 6 months ago I thought everyone earned an income from selling crack. While most people see regular work as being an accountant or a doctor, I literally thought everyone made their money selling drugs.

I thought they called my dad “The Jackhammer” because he killed people with a Jackhammer if they did not pay him.

It turns out he used to work on construction sites when he was 19. Weird!

Look obviously I made all this up because it’s Friday and sometimes the truth is boring…this week nothing exciting has happened that is truthful and funny so I just had to make the drug thing up. It’s little things like this that constantly filter through my brain that have me thinking “I’m pretty sure my mom dropped me on my head when I was young”

Alternatively she smoked a crack pipe when she was pregnant. It’s definitely one or the other.

Or both…
Sean Lloyd

Editor

Obviously the other day when I wrote about the non existent service at News Cafe at Cape Town International Airport, I sent them a link to the article and explained what had happened. So…I received a reply yesterday:

Hi Sean

Thank you for taking the time to inform us of your experience at News Cafe and please accept my apologies for the poor service received.

News Cafe is at a key entry-exit point and therefore any experience created there, could have a lasting impression on a visitor’s overall experience of Cape Town.

Please be assured that this matter has been addressed with our managers at the unit. They do not take this matter lightly and are committed to providing a great experience everytime.

When you do pass by the airport again, please do visit us and rate our service; I would appreciate your feedback.

(I was then given the contact numbers of the operations manager and the manager at News Cafe in Cape Town)

Regards

Jacques James

So that is where we are at the moment and I will definitely make a stop past News Cafe next time I’m at Cape Town International Airport. The great thing is that I now have the managers number so if anything goes wrong, I can just give him a call directly from my table. Awesome!

I also has some readers e-mailing me asking if I made that story at News Cafe up. Trust me, you cannot make a story like that up! It’s too bizarre to think of a story like that. We left there with some anger but for me it was more amusement than anything else, just thinking that service like that existed in the world.

Anyway that’s the story at the moment I will let you know what happens next time.

I mean it can’t possibly get any worse, so anything will be an improvement on last time.

Sean Lloyd

Editor

As we notice that the days are getting a little cooler, I remind you of the last chance to hire our pool boy before summer leaves us and we don’t use the pool anymore.

JD is a pool boy with vast experience in the field of aquatics. A former waterpolo player turned playa, he is now available to clean your pool. Your regular pool boy is probably old. JD is young and athletic and will give any bored housewife something to look at. Operating in nothing but a Speedo, you can ply him with alcohol as he goes about his work. He also mixes those pool chemicals like a chemist!

Cape Town pool boy for hire- Chicks dig it! 

Unfortunately this pool boy is aimed at the elite market and thus a premium price is charged. It’s R10000 a day to hire this pool boy and he will not do anything more than that. He also only operates in the Bishops Court area to the female population.

That’s it ladies, your last chance to hire this pool boy.

If you need the services of this pool boy please e-mail me at: seanl@slxs.co.za and I will put you in contact with him. He won’t necessarily take the work, even if offered R10000 a day, but you never know…you might just get lucky.

Now that’s a sweet offer!

Sean Lloyd

Editor 

I have, in my time, been known to enjoy a party from time to time. And so on Friday I spent some time with G-Unit and his crew and we had a nice little drink. A little drink turned into many and it inspired this piece. Throughout the night I was using terms that are commonplace in my vocabulary, but that might be foreign to others. Here I present to you, the terms you need to learn in order to successfully party in Cape Town.

Lunge

The lunge is basically just when you think the time is right to pull in, and you lunge forward to kiss someone. The lunge, if unsuccessful leads to…

The bat

Basically you get batted if the girl/ guy rejects the lunge. In really bad cases(Say you go for the lunge, and the girl pulls away and slaps you) then this is known as being “Hit for six”

Minger

This is someone who is no oil painting in the looks department. Swamp donkey etc.

Chew off your arm

Sometimes the beer goggles get combined with the jager bomb goggles and this can actually blind a person. So you take the minger home and when you wake up the next morning, he/she/it is lying on your arm. In order not to wake he/she/it, because you cannot possibly stomach the thought of it, you chew your arm off in order to make a sneaky escape. Only do this once though, otherwise you will have chewed both arms off. Not ideal.

Tactical chunder

An all too familiar word in my books. Affectionately referred to as the TC, it is a life saver, in line with The Hoff. Say you are really hammered, and the room is spinning, but you can’t vomit but REALLY need to otherwise you think you will spin off the earth. This is where you make like Kate Moss, and make yourself vomit. A great way to avoid a hangover and feel better immediately. Also a great way to lose pounds before a runway show to the schmodels out there.

The tactical chunder is a hard boozers best friend.

School boy error

Refers to any error in partying that a school boy might make. For instance downing a bottle of vodka is a school boy error. No one of age will do this, as they have already done it at school an know that it will kill you.

Scoring your best friends sister might also be a school boy error. You do it once in school and realise it’s a really bad idea.

Toni Braxton- Unbreak my heart. Sorry, just the current track playing on the “SLXS Love Songs Crooner Come Right Tonight Mix”

Ninja bomb

Essentially, a ninja bomb is when you make yourself disappear. If you are at a party and are fading fast after drinking too much, too quickly, you will pull a ninja bomb. You leave the party without telling anyone. Usually no one will realise you have left for at least an hour. In which time you are already sleeping and your phone has been turned off.

A ninja bomb is used in many situations. Sometimes it’s easier just to leave than to have to explain to everyone that you are fading.

Also, if you are at your best friends party, and he has a smoking hot sister, and you want to pull her, you would naturally not leave with her and let him know that. The ninja bomb works a charm here.

The 24 hour medic

If you have cut yourself or have been in some sort of accident, you will need to call on a medic. However, if you have had a massive accident and quite possible crashed The Cane Train, you need a medic of a different kind. Enter the 24 hour shops. Petrol stations selling pies, Woolworths selling everything that dreams are made of and Barcellos pumping out two chicken burgers for about R20. Steers at the Engen in Claremont is also one of Gods greatest inventions. Especially if you have bent it out of shape on a Tiger Tuesday student night and you find yourself at Engen at 3am.

Because then it’s actually Wednesday and you score a Wacky Wednesday!

The Cane Train

This refers to the art of jumping on the cane train by drinking copious amounts of cane, traditionally mixed with cream soda. It’s the drink you make yourself when you are a poor student. But then when you become wealthy you still drink it because it tastes good and brings back so many good memories of nights in Hermanus spent drinking on the beach.

The Cane Train

The hangover look

This is for the guys really. Girls always need to look good. Guys can wake up with red eyes, green teeth, hectic stubble and yet still walk down the street with a Coke and a pie and feel like a million bucks.

Bender

Using the term would go like this “JEEEEE-ZUZ we had a bender of note last night!” A bender is essentially where the night loses it’s shape, it get’s bent out of shape and things get messy. We might also say the night has gone “Pear shaped”

On a bender!

You might look like this after a bender. Collapsing in the passage on your way to the apartment

A sneaky bender

A sneaky bender is commonplace in a place like Cape Town. Because we don’t really work for more than two hours a day, we have loads of time to spend at beachside cafes and at bars around the city, laughing and drinking as though a global recession does not exist. Sneaky benders often occur at Forresters Arms in Newlands of Peddlars (On the bend) I think “On the bend” is actually put in there, not because Peddlars finds itself situated on a bend in the road, but because everyone there is always getting smashed, thus being constantly “on the bend”

And when they are not on the bend, they are chilling at a 24 hour medic, “on the mend”

Did you see that? What I did there? I’m a poet and I didn’t even know it! What’s the plan, Japan?

Ok pushing it a little far there.

So a sneaky bender is when you receive an sms from someone at around 12 or 1′ish. I usually get my Forres updates from Lex. It normally says something along the lines of “If you’re not wasted, then the day is. Get to Forres” or “If anybody is over this day, I’m at Forres having ONE drink” It’s the whole phenomenon of having “just one drink” that turns into many and before you know it, a little lunch time post siesta drink has turned into the whole crew absolutely mashed and thinking of hitting Tiger until 3am then getting to Barcellos to mend our ways.

Sneaky benders are basically afternoon meetings, with sober intentions, that turn into alcohol fueled binges that last until the next day.

I think that gives you a fairly good guide into the SLXS party dictionary. Seriously, use these terms, don’t lose them.

Now someone get me a beer.

I said NOW!

Son of a bitch!

Sean Lloyd

Editor

Not since the Crazy Monkey boys invented Foot Skating have I been so excited about a uniquely urban, cutting edge sport. I’m tired of traditional sports and it’s always like a dream come true when something new is invented in your home town. By people that went to the same school as you. And I even know some of the crew involved in this ground breaking sport. It makes me all excited and once you hear what it’s about, you will be excited as well.

Like all things these days, Xtreme Sterrie Stumping was brought to my knowledge through the internet. In particular Facebook where I stumbled upon their group “Xtreme Sterrie Stumping” Not quite sure how I would react to it, I needed something calming. So I went down to DVD Nouveau in Newlands to hire some comedy in the form of Chris Rock and Dave Chapelle. Awesome.

But I reacted well to it and I can confidently say that Xtreme Sterrie Stumping is the best sport to hit the streets since the foot skating days. It’s virtually insane how xtreme these guys are and the lengths they are willing to go to honour their sport. Already the members have started naming the various moves and have claimed the names “The Waterfall”, “The Cyclops”, “The Two Hand Long Arm” and “Double Dragon” On the breaking edge of urban culture, this is a sport that seems to be born out of necessity for survival in the urban jungle. It’s a sport that unapologetically abuses the human bodies limits.

The Cyclops: With the Steri Stumpie positioned perfectly between the eyes

In a world gone crazy, a world gone global warming, a world gone eco-friendly, comes a sport that will shatter all expectations of what it is to be “xtreme” Redefining boundaries, merging xtreme physical fitness with absolute raw talent, Xtreme Sterrie Stumping is the sport for the generation tired of being force fed ideas on what exactly “sport” is. The Xtreme Sterrie Stumping team disregard their own personal safety in pursuit of the next big thrill.

This can quite clearly be seen when viewing photos of the team doing “The Waterfall”

The Waterfall: A long, continuous flow of the blue bubble gum Steri Stumpie

Such physically demanding and mentally tiring pursuits are hard to come by in a world where safety is a priority. These guys probably purposefully don’t take out life insurance, such is the way they live their lives. On the knife edge.

It’s been along time since the urban setting of Cape Town has seen such a group of revolutionaries, a group full of raw talent waiting to be discovered, a group of people who defy gravity and defy the odds to become the best they can be.

Some of the athletes: Take their sport seriously

This is Xtreme Sterrie Stumping, and it’s coming to a neighbourhood near you.

As the group says “This group is on the breaking edge of defining a whole new culture of old school, bite it from the bottom,crazy manoeuvering…”

Click HERE for the Facebook group (You will obviously need a Facebook account to log in)

Sean Lloyd

Editor 

There is a general idea in Cape Town that SLXS is an organisation made up juvenile delinquents who just party all the time and do no work. This is partly the truth. We only party for about 6 hours of every day and the rest of the time is spent chillaxing and surveying the various things we have conquered. We definitely do subscribe to the two hour work day, and of these two hours a couple of minutes are spent doing actual work.

It’s a lifestyle that is hard to beat because we are never under any stress and we can still do anything we want to do. We still manage to get the things done that really need to be done. On a Monday you might find us chilling on the beach, or mountain biking, or just having lunch somewhere. There are however times when some serious work needs to be done. I have for the first time let people know that I’m working on some exciting projects but I can’t yet let it be known what they are. But what I’m willing to do is let you in on the shenanigans that go down at the office.

Obviously we have an office rotation system and I spend my days between the various offices. I’m either at SLXS or helping out with some of the other ventures. It’s probably the most fun you will ever have. If you work with me or any of my associates you will never be able to go back to a regular office because we just do the most awesome things. Needless to say we don’t have a dress code and we make sure that everything is casual and comfortable.

We have a bit of a Google vibe going in that sense. So as you know last week I spent some time in a meeting with some colleagues. I can’t give out too much on what went down but I can give you a couple of photos. Because I’m tired of getting e-mails from people complaining that they work so hard and don’t get to have fun. Then they slate me because I don’t seem to work and still have the most fun imaginable. So to set the record straight, here at SLXS we do work. It just depends on what your definition of “work” is. For us work is more of a lifestyle than anything else.

Our bored meetings are where we strategise and conceptualise. Because SLXS is more than just writing, it’s a company that is involved in everything. We probably own your company. True story.

The first thing I like to do when getting into the office, or the “Chill Zone” as it’s affectionately known, is to make calls to my colleagues and ask them why the hell they are not at work. The usual replies of “Hanging like sleeve of wizard” and “Me and uncle jager are no longer friends” are met with chuckles by me, because I then know that I can also take the day off. If the whole office is out, no one can contact us and we don’t have to worry. Trust me, the world waits for SLXS.

The words on the hat say “Super Genius”

Once I have realised that all work for the day is off I like to take some time to exercise. Because I hate companies where the health of the workers is not taken care of. We have gone a little bit off of the mainstream concept of a gym though and we just have a push thingy whatever you call it. I like to do a couple of laps around the office before replacing the sweat with a nice cold beer.

After a strenuous workout that burns many calories, I like to take some time to myself and mark out various strategies in something I like to call a “White Board” It’s a new invention and is great. Apparently soon they are inventing an electronic one called a “computer” Yeah, sure! I will believe that one when I see it. I usually like to draw up the companies goals and financial plans and make them easy to understand by translating them to to bar and pie graphs. As you can see, I am letting out some classified information, but those strategies have already been put into place and so I’m allowed to reveal them.

All of the above usually takes about an hour of my day and then I am free to roam Cape Town and find cool new ideas for cool new articles. And that’s how you come to read the various poetic pieces on SLXS.

It’s quite a rigorous and demanding lifestyle that makes me break as much of a mental sweat as a physical sweat.

But I guess someones got to do it!

Alright now stop buggering around on SLXS and get back to work.

I’m going to go smash around some Playstation.

Sean Lloyd

Editor

So so so…not only did I study journalism but now it seems I’m redefining the language! As you know, on the weekend we discovered “in italics” Well today I have two new terms on Urban Dictionary.

The first one is “Swallowed a Weber” which you can view over HERE on Urban Dictionary.

The second one is “Bentley Belt” and can be viewed over HERE on Urban Dictionary.

Once again, if you could click on the thumbs up sign next to my posts on Urban Dictionary, it would be appreciated.

Yes yes…save the applause for later. Gifts to the usual address.

Sean D Lloyd

Editor and Wordsmith

Many groundbreaking things happen when the crew get together and yesterday afternoon was spent in the hallowed grounds of Forresters Arms. We were there to conceptualise and drink and so on and so forth.

Naturally an afternoon at Forres is going to end with some sort of enlightment because hours of inspired drinking make you think up groundbreaking ideas and words.

I don’t quite know how we came upon this, or if it existed before, but myself and Leanne are claiming it. It’s official, we have claimed “In italics” That’s it. It’s quite simple really.

We were musing over something when somehow we came to the theory that words in italics are kind of falling over. Like they are drunk! So we translated it into real life by saying if someone is drunk that they are in italics.

I know! Genius! Can you handle it? Personally I can’t.

So that’s it, myself and Leanne have claimed it. It’s ours. You can use.

Just tell everyone where you learnt it though. Only at the home of excess!

HERE is our definition in Urban Dictionary.

One more thing: If you could click on the thumbs up sign next to the definition that would be great, because then we can make “in italics” super famous.

Thanks!

Sean Lloyd

Editor

Naturally we went to the rugby yesterday afternoon to see the Stormers smash the Cheetahs. Highlights included all the overweight Western Cape police, the guy standing near The Sports Science Institute wearing a yellow coat with the words “Oom tas” on the back all the while drinking a bottle of port(No jokes), the large group of guys with shaved heads wearing pink shirts(Bizarre) and all the okes wearing a kort broek wif a rugby jersey. Ja nee! Ooh ja dis lekker!

Just before the game got underway the Stormers cheerleading angels came on and started dancing. Naturally they ripped their pants off and showed us the fittest bodies we are ever likely to see. But unfortunately for me, I was not close enough to fully appreciate their form.

I then began to think “It would be SO much better if I could watch the Stormers cheerleaders at home. On my massive plasma screen”

Cheerleaders, plasma screen, port, wood fire- Just enjoying your own company…

Chilling with a glass of port.

By myself.

A little bit of the White Barry crooning some love songs in the background.

Soft lighting.

The fire flickering in the lounge.

A roofie and some eye drops mixed into my port.

A needle injecting pain killers into my hand to make it numb.

And the next thing you know the entire day and night has disappeared!

Sean Lloyd

Editor

Reading through The Sunday Times today I was shocked at the amount of unrest in the world, fuelled by rising food prices, which are fuelled by rising costs of fuel.

If food is the common denominator here, and the world is unable to produce enough food for everyone, we obviously need to start cutting back on food. When I see a stick thin model walking down Long Street in Cape Town I think “Good on you angel, taking care of the planet!” When I see a fat person eating a bag of Nik Naks and washing it down with a Coke I immediately think “Jee-zuz, there are food riots in the world, which are being caused by YOU!”

Look, we all know that the worlds top fashion models subsist on a diet of champagne and cocaine. This blatant abuse of substances is in effect saving the world, one trip at a time. Also referred to as “The runway diet”, it has helped many models make obscene amounts of money, while at the same time being able to divert food to the worlds poor. The less the developed world eat, the more the poor world can thrive.

People often gasp at the thought of the amounts of drugs that people like Robbie Williams, Ozzy Osbourne and Ronnie wood have put into their bodies. But these men are saviours. On the female side, I think that Amy Winehouse and Kate Moss are doing a sterling job. Absolutely stunning girls! Keep it up and that little Chinese kid won’t have to starve for much longer. On the other hand I see people eating Big Macs and I think “You know what, you greedy son of a bitch! You just took away a meal from Bing Bong, the little orphan who lives in a crate on a polluted Chinese street with his brother Ming Ho”

Most poor countries live on a diet of grains such as wheat, maize and rice. And here we are in the rich world eating vegetables and salads, because all the health reports say so! If we all just supported the people who made drugs, we could possibly save the world from disaster. The drugs would kill our appetites, and possibly us.

Save food, drink Vincent Van Gogh vodka!

Just imagine if all your rich friends started doing obscene amounts of narcotics…they would buy less food. They would probably also cut their life spans in half. But this could be beneficial. All these rich people would start to die off slowly and there would be less people in the world, and therefore more food! I don’t know if you see where I’m going on this, but I think I’m onto something. Unfortunately South Africa does not make cocaine though, or French champagne(For obvious reasons). So we need Columbia to start pumping out more Charlie, and we need JC Le Roux to start making more sparkling wine.

Good Lord…it’s the diet of the eco-conscious! It’s the diet of the ambassadors of the world, such as Angelina and Brad who constantly campaign for the poor people of the world.

Reading this article will totally change your views on the world…you will ridicule those who smoke weed because it gives them the munchies, and they eat all the food that could otherwise be distributed to rural Africa. You will curse at those who eat more than once a day, because it steals a meal from Ming Ho. You will praise those addicted to cocaine, booze, over the counter medicines, Vicodin, Oxycontin, cigarettes and the like.

In a lifetime of your average hard living rock star, they have probably saved entire villages by not eating. Robbie Williams has done enough booze and drugs to kill an entire army. But he has not killed an army, nor himself, but he has saved a village. Possibly a country. Amy Winehouse is the ultimate ambassador for third world starving people. Kate Moss is the new Mother Theresa. Ronnie Wood should have grain farms dedicated to him.

World markets will change because no one will care what they look like. We will adopt more of a Pete Doherty style than anything else, and the fashion and beauty industries will crash. Money that normally goes into these industries can be spent on developing alternative fuels and alternative electricity supplies for a power starved world. Ugly people will get more action as the narcotic effect strips all inhibitions and distorts the view on the world.

Civilization as we know it will be completely changed. The world power will go into those in the narcotics trade. It will be a new fun filled world of acid trips, green fairies and rocks that come to life.

I might just have the blueprint for The New World with this idea.

BOOM! It’s go time.

Sean Lloyd

Editor