There is a general idea in Cape Town that SLXS is an organisation made up juvenile delinquents who just party all the time and do no work. This is partly the truth. We only party for about 6 hours of every day and the rest of the time is spent chillaxing and surveying the various things we have conquered. We definitely do subscribe to the two hour work day, and of these two hours a couple of minutes are spent doing actual work.

It’s a lifestyle that is hard to beat because we are never under any stress and we can still do anything we want to do. We still manage to get the things done that really need to be done. On a Monday you might find us chilling on the beach, or mountain biking, or just having lunch somewhere. There are however times when some serious work needs to be done. I have for the first time let people know that I’m working on some exciting projects but I can’t yet let it be known what they are. But what I’m willing to do is let you in on the shenanigans that go down at the office.

Obviously we have an office rotation system and I spend my days between the various offices. I’m either at SLXS or helping out with some of the other ventures. It’s probably the most fun you will ever have. If you work with me or any of my associates you will never be able to go back to a regular office because we just do the most awesome things. Needless to say we don’t have a dress code and we make sure that everything is casual and comfortable.

We have a bit of a Google vibe going in that sense. So as you know last week I spent some time in a meeting with some colleagues. I can’t give out too much on what went down but I can give you a couple of photos. Because I’m tired of getting e-mails from people complaining that they work so hard and don’t get to have fun. Then they slate me because I don’t seem to work and still have the most fun imaginable. So to set the record straight, here at SLXS we do work. It just depends on what your definition of “work” is. For us work is more of a lifestyle than anything else.

Our bored meetings are where we strategise and conceptualise. Because SLXS is more than just writing, it’s a company that is involved in everything. We probably own your company. True story.

The first thing I like to do when getting into the office, or the “Chill Zone” as it’s affectionately known, is to make calls to my colleagues and ask them why the hell they are not at work. The usual replies of “Hanging like sleeve of wizard” and “Me and uncle jager are no longer friends” are met with chuckles by me, because I then know that I can also take the day off. If the whole office is out, no one can contact us and we don’t have to worry. Trust me, the world waits for SLXS.

The words on the hat say “Super Genius”

Once I have realised that all work for the day is off I like to take some time to exercise. Because I hate companies where the health of the workers is not taken care of. We have gone a little bit off of the mainstream concept of a gym though and we just have a push thingy whatever you call it. I like to do a couple of laps around the office before replacing the sweat with a nice cold beer.

After a strenuous workout that burns many calories, I like to take some time to myself and mark out various strategies in something I like to call a “White Board” It’s a new invention and is great. Apparently soon they are inventing an electronic one called a “computer” Yeah, sure! I will believe that one when I see it. I usually like to draw up the companies goals and financial plans and make them easy to understand by translating them to to bar and pie graphs. As you can see, I am letting out some classified information, but those strategies have already been put into place and so I’m allowed to reveal them.

All of the above usually takes about an hour of my day and then I am free to roam Cape Town and find cool new ideas for cool new articles. And that’s how you come to read the various poetic pieces on SLXS.

It’s quite a rigorous and demanding lifestyle that makes me break as much of a mental sweat as a physical sweat.

But I guess someones got to do it!

Alright now stop buggering around on SLXS and get back to work.

I’m going to go smash around some Playstation.

Sean Lloyd

Editor

So so so…not only did I study journalism but now it seems I’m redefining the language! As you know, on the weekend we discovered “in italics” Well today I have two new terms on Urban Dictionary.

The first one is “Swallowed a Weber” which you can view over HERE on Urban Dictionary.

The second one is “Bentley Belt” and can be viewed over HERE on Urban Dictionary.

Once again, if you could click on the thumbs up sign next to my posts on Urban Dictionary, it would be appreciated.

Yes yes…save the applause for later. Gifts to the usual address.

Sean D Lloyd

Editor and Wordsmith

Many groundbreaking things happen when the crew get together and yesterday afternoon was spent in the hallowed grounds of Forresters Arms. We were there to conceptualise and drink and so on and so forth.

Naturally an afternoon at Forres is going to end with some sort of enlightment because hours of inspired drinking make you think up groundbreaking ideas and words.

I don’t quite know how we came upon this, or if it existed before, but myself and Leanne are claiming it. It’s official, we have claimed “In italics” That’s it. It’s quite simple really.

We were musing over something when somehow we came to the theory that words in italics are kind of falling over. Like they are drunk! So we translated it into real life by saying if someone is drunk that they are in italics.

I know! Genius! Can you handle it? Personally I can’t.

So that’s it, myself and Leanne have claimed it. It’s ours. You can use.

Just tell everyone where you learnt it though. Only at the home of excess!

HERE is our definition in Urban Dictionary.

One more thing: If you could click on the thumbs up sign next to the definition that would be great, because then we can make “in italics” super famous.

Thanks!

Sean Lloyd

Editor

Naturally we went to the rugby yesterday afternoon to see the Stormers smash the Cheetahs. Highlights included all the overweight Western Cape police, the guy standing near The Sports Science Institute wearing a yellow coat with the words “Oom tas” on the back all the while drinking a bottle of port(No jokes), the large group of guys with shaved heads wearing pink shirts(Bizarre) and all the okes wearing a kort broek wif a rugby jersey. Ja nee! Ooh ja dis lekker!

Just before the game got underway the Stormers cheerleading angels came on and started dancing. Naturally they ripped their pants off and showed us the fittest bodies we are ever likely to see. But unfortunately for me, I was not close enough to fully appreciate their form.

I then began to think “It would be SO much better if I could watch the Stormers cheerleaders at home. On my massive plasma screen”

Cheerleaders, plasma screen, port, wood fire- Just enjoying your own company…

Chilling with a glass of port.

By myself.

A little bit of the White Barry crooning some love songs in the background.

Soft lighting.

The fire flickering in the lounge.

A roofie and some eye drops mixed into my port.

A needle injecting pain killers into my hand to make it numb.

And the next thing you know the entire day and night has disappeared!

Sean Lloyd

Editor

Reading through The Sunday Times today I was shocked at the amount of unrest in the world, fuelled by rising food prices, which are fuelled by rising costs of fuel.

If food is the common denominator here, and the world is unable to produce enough food for everyone, we obviously need to start cutting back on food. When I see a stick thin model walking down Long Street in Cape Town I think “Good on you angel, taking care of the planet!” When I see a fat person eating a bag of Nik Naks and washing it down with a Coke I immediately think “Jee-zuz, there are food riots in the world, which are being caused by YOU!”

Look, we all know that the worlds top fashion models subsist on a diet of champagne and cocaine. This blatant abuse of substances is in effect saving the world, one trip at a time. Also referred to as “The runway diet”, it has helped many models make obscene amounts of money, while at the same time being able to divert food to the worlds poor. The less the developed world eat, the more the poor world can thrive.

People often gasp at the thought of the amounts of drugs that people like Robbie Williams, Ozzy Osbourne and Ronnie wood have put into their bodies. But these men are saviours. On the female side, I think that Amy Winehouse and Kate Moss are doing a sterling job. Absolutely stunning girls! Keep it up and that little Chinese kid won’t have to starve for much longer. On the other hand I see people eating Big Macs and I think “You know what, you greedy son of a bitch! You just took away a meal from Bing Bong, the little orphan who lives in a crate on a polluted Chinese street with his brother Ming Ho”

Most poor countries live on a diet of grains such as wheat, maize and rice. And here we are in the rich world eating vegetables and salads, because all the health reports say so! If we all just supported the people who made drugs, we could possibly save the world from disaster. The drugs would kill our appetites, and possibly us.

Save food, drink Vincent Van Gogh vodka!

Just imagine if all your rich friends started doing obscene amounts of narcotics…they would buy less food. They would probably also cut their life spans in half. But this could be beneficial. All these rich people would start to die off slowly and there would be less people in the world, and therefore more food! I don’t know if you see where I’m going on this, but I think I’m onto something. Unfortunately South Africa does not make cocaine though, or French champagne(For obvious reasons). So we need Columbia to start pumping out more Charlie, and we need JC Le Roux to start making more sparkling wine.

Good Lord…it’s the diet of the eco-conscious! It’s the diet of the ambassadors of the world, such as Angelina and Brad who constantly campaign for the poor people of the world.

Reading this article will totally change your views on the world…you will ridicule those who smoke weed because it gives them the munchies, and they eat all the food that could otherwise be distributed to rural Africa. You will curse at those who eat more than once a day, because it steals a meal from Ming Ho. You will praise those addicted to cocaine, booze, over the counter medicines, Vicodin, Oxycontin, cigarettes and the like.

In a lifetime of your average hard living rock star, they have probably saved entire villages by not eating. Robbie Williams has done enough booze and drugs to kill an entire army. But he has not killed an army, nor himself, but he has saved a village. Possibly a country. Amy Winehouse is the ultimate ambassador for third world starving people. Kate Moss is the new Mother Theresa. Ronnie Wood should have grain farms dedicated to him.

World markets will change because no one will care what they look like. We will adopt more of a Pete Doherty style than anything else, and the fashion and beauty industries will crash. Money that normally goes into these industries can be spent on developing alternative fuels and alternative electricity supplies for a power starved world. Ugly people will get more action as the narcotic effect strips all inhibitions and distorts the view on the world.

Civilization as we know it will be completely changed. The world power will go into those in the narcotics trade. It will be a new fun filled world of acid trips, green fairies and rocks that come to life.

I might just have the blueprint for The New World with this idea.

BOOM! It’s go time.

Sean Lloyd

Editor 

I managed to fit in some time today to have a little chat with my fathers previous wife. That would be my mother.

She was telling me how she got a call today on her cellphone. She is a Vodacom customer and she receives a call from someone from Cell C.

They start off:

“Hello Mrs ‘mother of Cape Towns greatest writer’(Actually not, but it can’t hurt to pretend) You have been pre-approved for a new cellphone contract” etc etc etc I don’t feel like writing it all out.

So my fathers previous wife responds “No thanks I already have a contract”

Expecting that this should be the end of the worlds gayest conversation, my mom expects the person to say “Ok thanks BYE!”

Instead the Cell C robot says “Do you want another contract?”

I mean…have you EVER doll!(Stealing lines from my aunt in Joburg. Wears lot’s of gold, whitens her teeth etc)

It’s the most pathetic attempt at trying to get customers I have ever heard of in my life. Calling on the competitions customers and trying to get them to buy into their cellphone contracts.

Cell C seem as though they are competing in amateur hour here, it’s pathetic.

I wouldn’t use them just because of the way they try to get customers.

It’s completely bizarre and I don’t know where they learnt their marketing tactics. Or where they bought their marketing tactics. Probably at the spaza shop.

Sean Lloyd

Editor

I know, it’s just been a bit of a crazy week. People scheduling board meetings (That would be me) Seriously yesterday I wanted to chill and I was in a meeting from 9:30 until about 14:00. Not ideal in the slightest.

Some of you may wonder what goes on in the offices at your typical SLXS board meeting. It’s not all writing and we do a lot of other things…various projects we are working on. Unfortunately for you it is Friday and I refuse to do any work because I think the details of the board meeting need to wait until Monday. Obviously I can’t tell you what we discussed until the projects are up and running, but I can show you a couple of photos of what we get up to in the “office” It’s more like a playground where we chill for a couple of hours, act the fool, throw one or two ideas around and then go have a massive party in celebration of the work we have done.

That reminds me, I’m reading a book called the 4 hour work week. It’s not really my style of book though because I’m just shocked that they want you to work that many hours in a week. I think 4 hours is definitely pushing it a bit, don’t you think?

All in all not the best book then, I mean if I wanted to work that much I would, I don’t need a book to tell me it.

Gosh…idiot!

And there is a share trading course coming up at the end of the month. It’s the beginner one though and it’s in Cape Town. I will tell you about it in a seperate post. I missed the first one I wrote about last year, but I’m keen to catch this one. You know…throw a couple bucks around on the stock market. It’s fun to play with a few rands on the stock market and that way I won’t spend all day at the office playing Playstation.

Sean Lloyd

Editor

Do people still call from anonymous numbers? Well it seems they do!

For the past month, at least three times a day, I have been getting calls from an anonymous number. I don’t know if my not answering your calls has triggered a little switch in your brain that says “Well let me keep calling and NOT leave a message” but it’s getting ridiculous now. I don’t answer anonymous calls. If you constantly call me and I don’t answer, does this not tell you something?

I will never answer your call so please stop calling. If it is so important then please leave a message. But for the love of God, please don’t call me at 7am and 10pm and have your number hidden because I’m not going to take you call. Seriously…never.

No one is too important that they can’t  show me their number. And if you are the president, I don’t care. Leave me alone. I’m trying to pirate a DVD.

It makes me MAD!

Sean Lloyd

Editor

On my various missions around Cape Town, I’m either seeing people off or welcoming them to Cape Town(I just made that up). Last week we bid farewell to one of the closer members of the SLXS crew. One moment we are all chilling in Cape Town, and the next they are leaving to some far away place. Naturally when seeing people off, you chill at the departure terminal and have a couple(A lot) of drinks, and suddenly need the bathroom.

Which unfortunately is operated by the Airports Company South Africa.

I always see South Africa, and especially Cape Town, as an awesome tourist destination. Just living here, I never get bored of this city. I love it more every day and never run out of ways to have fun. Any city is what you make of it. I make the most of what Cape Town has to offer. Like any place in the world, be it Los Angeles or London, we all have our problems.

The main problem is that everyone thinks they can easily escape the problems of their city.

“Oh but I would much rather live in Australia”

Ok you go do that. You try and fit the entire 6 billion people on the planet into Australia. It’s not even a question.

But as they always say, first impressions last. And if your first impression of Cape Town is the bathrooms, then it’s not a good impression that will last. “Filthy” was a word that came to mind.

After the disastrous drinks order at News Cafe, I decided to go to the bathroom. I was presented with this:

Clean

There was no one around to clean anything and when I did walk out of the bathroom, there was someone complaining about the females bathroom as well! I must also add this: Who makes a mess like this in a guys bathroom? You are trash if you do this! Look at yourself. Come on, WERE you born in a barn?

Now the first point of entry in any city for people flying is the airport, and the image reflected here should be immaculate. I can’t understand how the gateway to Cape Town can be left is a mess like this. And it was not just one toilet…

When I was at Hemisphere two weeks ago, in the bathroom they have a person waiting with a fresh towel for after you have washed your hands. They have cleaning staff on hand all the time to make sure the bathrooms are clean. Same goes for most of Cape Towns top nightclubs…they have people manning the bathrooms at all times. And here we have our cities airport with no one on duty.

If Cape Town’s nightclubs can have people watching over the bathrooms the entire time, I think so can our airport. The people at nightclubs get tips from everyone and they do a good job, and the nightclubs do a good job of having this service.

Maybe I caught them at a bad time, but there should always be someone on call at the bathrooms to keep them in order.

Because it’s an impression like this that we don’t need. We already have people complaining about everything else, we don’t need any more reasons!

Come on people, sort yourselves out! Next time I go to Cape Town International Airport I’m kicking ass and taking names…

Sean Lloyd

Editor

I realise this is not news as such, but everyone would have heard that next year Cape Town will not play host to MyCokeFest. We all know this. But let’s look deeper into the cancellation of the event. I realise the sponsors can’t take the risk, but I think the public who complained need to be PUNISHED!

Let’s look at it like this: MyCokeFest is a 12 hour music festival and it was held at Kenilworth Race Course in Cape Town. I know that it was hectically loud(I was in the area), but it was a ROCK CONCERT! I mean…let’s be honest…what were people expecting? Were they expecting a violin and a banjo to be played all day, with whisper soft vocals from a Grade 2 choir?

12 hours. That’s exactly half a day. That’s one seven hundred and thirtieth of the year people! When you are 100 years old and about to drop kick the bucket, is your last thought really going to be “I’m so happy I complained and got MyCokeFest cancelled”? I highly doubt it.

Cape Town is full of little quiet places to go if you don’t want to be around on that particular day. Seriously, why don’t you try and get out a bit more. Or if you don’t like getting out of the house, then what is the point of living in Cape Town?

Is a 12 hour concert so much to deal with considering that there are quite a few other things that are important in the world? Number one being having a life.

I actually never got around to reading The Tatler because I can just imagine what people wrote to The Tatler. They love writing “strongly worded” letters. They want to sue, they want to move out of the city and they want the government to intervene. What they don’t realise is that they are but a small part of the world. Not everything revolves around these people, but they seem to think so.

To be very honest here, if I were Coca Cola, or BIG Concerts, and I had full control over how the concert was run, I would run it next year in Cape Town. But I would PUMP the volume up even more. I would turn it up so loud that people in their New York apartments would be able to hear it. I would also double the concert time and make it a 24 hour concert of pure rock ‘n roll excess. There would also be times during the concert when I would ask all 20000 people to jump up and down in rhythm, thus shaking the ground and causing as much noise as possible.

I would teach everyone a lesson in excess. That way if they complain about that concert, you can negotiate with them. You can tell them that you will return the concert back to it’s original format of 12 hours and you will also return the noise to the normal level. It’s a case of using reverse psychology(Or something to that effect)

If people are going to complain about things such as MyCokeFest, and Eskom, and crime, and the petrol price, and the food price, and the rain, and the sun, and God knows what else, then don’t you think it’s time they move? Because I DO! Honestly if you are so unhappy and fail to see anything positive then please do go. I’m sure one of the airlines will sponsor a free flight, full of these people, to get out of here. If I owned an airline that operated in South Africa, I know I would take a salary cut to send these people packing! Just a quick recap, in photos, of what Cape Town has to offer at various times of the year:

UGLY!

POOR!

TERRIBLE!

I know…But some people still want to complain about everything. They WANT to write letters to community newspapers. They want the young people not to have fun. They want to feel important.

“Oooooh my letter helped get MyCokeFest cancelled, I’m SO important”

Please pack your bag and get on one of the sponsored flights that will leave promptly. The flight that will just have a mechanical problem and the crew will jump out safely, while the complainers go to a depth of about…ah let’s see…to the depth of about the Titanic. Then they can complain as much as they want because from the ocean floor…no one will hear them! Not to mention the death thing either…

It’s just that…you know…life is more important than constantly finding things to complain about. I don’t know if it’s got to do with our newspapers here, but it just seems that we are always complaining about something. As soon as things are going smoothly…bang…we find something new to complain about. When things are going well we think “Why are they going so well?” Then we find things that are not going well and focus all our energy on them. MyCokeFest signals that Cape Town is a happy place that just wants to party. But no, we must NOT be happy. We must not have fun. We must be more quiet.

It’s getting pathetic.

Let me run MyCokeFest and I will make a nuclear explosion sound tame.

Come on people, let’s just stop complaining for once, please? One hundred and twenty people have now managed to ruin a day of excess for 20000 people.(UPDATE: According to the Peoples Post, another happy go lucky newspaper who people write letters to, complaints are still coming in)
Surely the government can give us funding to get rid of these people? Send them somewhere quiet like the Kalahari. Or just somewhere far away where they can live their own little miserable lives and die without having experienced what it is to live a remotely interesting life. Because they can then die complaining and let the rest of us rock out in Cape Town.

Without having to hear their miserable whining.

*By the way I think all the figures here are right. I got them from Facebook, so…but I think it’s all correct*

Sean Lloyd

Editor

It seems that Eskom will be shedding my load(Nice) in about an hour. Rather than be all keen and think “Oh let me type that article up before then”, I have taken the liberty of doing absolutely nothing. When I get into my freelance articles I like an uninterrupted supply of power, women and whisky. Which is not made possible by Eskom. The women and whisky are fine.

I hear you shouting “You’re leaving me!” Yes I am. I also hate goodbyes. But I need to say goodbye sometime. If only for a little time. So for the next three or four hours I’m just going to cruise the coast in the VR3. Maybe play a little of The White Barry. Stop off for lunch. Trade some shares. The day could go many ways, but it seems that it might go pear shaped.

Over and out.

Sean Lloyd

Editor

People have always been of the notion that you can’t afford to drink and drive because of the risks you pose to yourself and other innocent people. Which is common sense. Nobody should drink and drive.

It now seems that campaigns to discourage and prevent drinking and driving are no longer needed.

Because with the rising costs of petrol and alcohol, you literally cannot afford to drink and drive. Petrol costs obviously rise due to the price of oil worldwide rising, and people who drink in South Africa are punished by Trevor Manuel. He likes to call alcohol a “sin tax” Makes me feel like a criminal…

So now you obviously have to choose either to drink, or to drive. Because you can’t afford to do both!

Johnny Walker are on the right track in this regard:

Jannie Stapper: Stap Aan

It translates nicely into Afrikaans.
Sean Lloyd

Editor 

I was attending a birthday party the other day. My ex-girlfriend(We broke up about a year ago) was turning twelve and I thought:

“Jesus Jones, this chick is all just high maintenance. It’s presents, presents and more presents!”

I had bought her a lucky packet, a Hello Kitty handbag and the chick just wanted more more MORE! So I decided to end the gift giving thing by giving her a perma-present. I gave her a wire rose that I bought for R10 on the side of the road. A few weeks later when she said I had not bought her stuff in ages, I pointed to the rose, which was still alive. I said:

“Cork it, that present will never die. It’s your birthday present, Christmas present, and your everything present”

Obviously we broke up but thinking back on that relationship it made me realise the importance of a perma-gift in todays material world where everything just keeps getting more expensive. Perma-gifts are part of any successful persons life. You don’t have time to keep on thinking of new gifts to give people, and it cuts down on waste material that gets dumped into the planet. It’s the eco-friendly gift, and it’s cheap as chips.

Perma-gifts will literally last a lifetime and it will save you probably thousands, if not hundreds of thousands of rands in your lifetime. Roses for girls are always nice presents, and not to mention the ever popular roofies. I roofie myself every day and have now built up my immunity against roofies. The reason I do it is because I am in high demand with the ladies, and whenever I go partying in Cape Town, I look into my drink and it has lost it’s liquid consistency. My drink usually turns into a paste as women throw hundreds of different narcotics into my bottles and glasses in a feeble attempt to sleep with me.

Tisk tisk…all you have to do is ask.

Perma-gifts are never forgotten because they just don’t ever leave. Unless the recipient throws them away, in which case it is their fault, not yours.

But you may ask, do celebrities give perma-gifts? Of course they do! Paris Hilton even gives perma-gifts. Albeit in the form of STD’s. But Paris Hilton truly gives the gift that keeps on giving- You are going to need more than vitamin C to kick a bout of her STD’s!

Soooooo… I bought another rose from these guys on the side of the road to show you what you need to buy.

Mmmmm…

Good grief, looking at the current state of my desk you would think I run a gay brothel. Savanna(With perma-rose in it), “Waterless hand cleanser”, a zen garden(Don’t ask), and incense burning in the background.

I have ABSOLUTELY no idea how the CD cover for The White Barry got there. I suppose you can’t get enough of my love.

That’s quite straight Sean!

Can you imagine what this is doing for my reputation with the ladies.

This is not good.

I’m off to salvage my reputation. It’s trashed.

Mind you, after this bottle of Lagavulin, I’m pretty trashed myself.

Oh I have just been kicked in the groin by the girlfriend (Gisele Bundchen) and she took this photo while I was sleeping this morning. She says if I publish this photo it will reaffirm my reputation as writings current outlaw who writes with a bit of Hunter S Thompson inspiration by his side.

Right…Why is my hand so big?

Sean Lloyd

Editor

I won’t lie I’m quite a fan of Plush. I regularly see Ben out and always try give him a high five. He never returns it as I actually don’t really know him. I just like to act like I know lots of famous people. It’s what I do.

Seriously though they are great guys and always very approachable, which is rad. They are playing tomorrow at Kirstenbosch and YOU need to go. The world needs to go.

The concert is brought to you by UCT RAG and Old Mutual.

Here is what you need to know:

Date: 5 April 2008 at 17:00(Gates open at 15:00) It’s TOMORROW!

Venue: Kirstenbosch

Artists: The Singletrack- Winner of Launch Your band 2008

Plush- Performing a never before heard session with the orchestra.

UCT Symphony Orchestra conducted by Richard Cock, with

Loyiso, Zwai and Phelo(The Bala brothers)
The UCT choir

Prices: Adult R60

Student: (With free transport from lower campus UCT): R35

Scholar: R20

Prices differ on the Plush fan page and Computicket, but the price here is about right, plus/minus R5.

All proceeds go to SHAWCO.

I think it’s necessary to go to this. Pack food, drinks, filthy Cabana boys, whips, leather etc. Whatever gets you going.

And it’s not even expensive so I can’t think of anything better to do tomorrow.

Tickets are available at COMPUTICKET, at the venue and at the RAG office. Wherever the RAG office is. Click COMPUTICKET for more details.

Sean Lloyd

Editor

To all the dirty little skanks out there…

Calm down, it’s all a joke. April fools!

What I’m a few days late. Ok. Moving on swiftly…

Seriously though happy National Cleavage Day to all the girls out there. And the women. Right…I even direct this at the women who have restraining orders against me and regularly pepper spray me in Long Street (Jane, I cannot stay 500km away from you because then I will have to leave the city. Calm down for once, I know I hot boxed your apartment when you were at work, and I know the cat got high, and then tried to jump onto the windowsill, and missed, thereby jumping out the window and committing suicide. But calm down PLEASE?!)

So I never really knew that it was National Cleavage Day today. But there is this chick I have been dating for about three months now and she told me that it was National Cleavage Day. I naturally took it that she was lying though. She lies about a lot of stuff. She is a blatant pathological liar.

She tells me that she models which I HIGHLY doubt. I have definitely had better looking girls.There was this chick a couple years back, the days when I still had that Cabana boy working for me.

Good memories. But she was, and still is, an absolute minx. And she was not a model.

So my current bird, whose name is Gisele Bundchen, claims to model. I mean she has a smoking hot body but come now, a model? Ha ha ha! I think if she wants to model she needs some exposure, so I insisted on making her pose for me this morning. I don’t have a tripod for my camera, but with a body like hers, you kind of get a tripod effect anyway. So here she is, my current girlfriend. I say current because she won’t last long. I like good looking wealthy women. I just don’t think she fits the bill. Sorry babe.

Plus she just wants to mess around in bed all day. And obviously I have work to do. I actually halted global warming yesterday. Ain’t no thang!

So here is this chick:

Tame

I’m not so sure that I should stay with her. A little bit fat, definitely too pasty, hates to spend a day in bed, no money and ultimately not that good looking. I give her a D minus.

She just asked me now what I’m making her for breakfast.

Jeez Gisele!

Didn’t you eat last week?

Sean Lloyd

Editor 

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