I was thinking the other day of who uses more electricity in the world, males or females. Obviously it’s impossible to calculate(Because my brain is the size of a small squirrels), but we can draw up a fun table to see how each of the sexes abuse the world’s energy situation. From oil to coal, we are cleaning up at a rapid rate! In the first part of this two part series (If I feel like writing the second part…probably not), we look at men. That’s me!
We don’t recycle and then say things like “Recycle. What? That’s gay!”
We only work hard, so we can afford money for big cars and private jets in order to impress the chicks. Uglier guys use more fuel than good looking guys(Me) because they need a private jet to impress the ladies. Whereas in my case I can drive a terrible car but to pull the angels I just use my super chiselled cheek bones, cheese grater abs and slightly dry twist of humour all the while sipping on a rare whisky. That’s right, you read that all correctly.
We do extreme fuel abusing sports. From car racing, to motorbike racing, to wakeboarding, to flying fighter jets, the more fuel we use the more extreme we are. Our fuel use is almost directly proportional to our score rate. The more fuel we use, the more titties we get to see.
Chicks dig it
We like to get away. While girls are sometimes happy with just chilling round the pool at the apartment, guys freak out when they are in the city too long, and just pack up and go on massive road trips across the country. Because they can. While on road trips they use petrol to make fires and also make petrol bombs with old t-shirts and beer bottles. Once again, only because they can.
We make huge braais. Sometimes, and this is no joke, I will use two or three bags of wood to cook a few pieces of chicken. Because I like to sit around watching the first two bags burn down while I try hammer my way through a case of beer. Then on the last bag, I will cook my chicken. And then watch the rest of the coals burn out while I try hammer my way through the bottle of Absolut vodka.
One piece of chicken? Don’t pan fry it, coal braai it!
I still find it amazing to this day that myself and my guy friends can have a get together and just chill. We invite all the girls and while they sit inside, no doubt talking about us and what idiots we are, telling their friends that we need to make more money, drink less, do more work around the house and whatever else…15 of my guy mates and myself can just stare into the flames while getting absolutely broken on home brewed beer…with no drama whatsoever. We don’t have to say a word…there is a mutual understanding that standing at the braai with a beer is a good time, interpsersed with the odd grabbing of a piece of boerie, looking towards the girls and shouting “Want some of this?” which is met by replies of “God you guys are disgusting!” and “I’m not your girlfriend tonight”
Throw 15 girls into a room and they need to get the low down on everyone…and inevitably one of them ends up crying about boyfriend problems even though their boyfriend treats them so well you would think they are royalty.
Older guys drive everywhere. Many years spent drinking beer while watching the fire burn down lead to conditions such as arthritis and gout. Unable to possibly walk to the shop, we drive, using up loads of fuel in the process.
We like imported things. While girls are happy buying wine from a local winery, or drinking Savannah which is locally produced, guys like real manly drinks. I like my whisky to come from Scotland and America(Whiskey), and I like my vodka to come from Sweden. I also like my women to come from Brazil. With a Brazilian…I thank you!
We just like to eat meat. It’s well known that to rear animals takes up a lot of resources, and eating vegetarian is kinder to the planet. Men like to eat steak and drink beer(I meant to say funnel beer). But this is negated by the fact that men live shorter lives due to these dietary choices. We have massive heart attacks at the age of 50, while women like to live until about 90. And in these 40 years, they use a lot of the worlds resources(Especially mens money)
We fly across the world to visit girls. They broke up with us when they moved away or we moved away. They kept in contact, saying they still love us. We made lots of money so we could afford plane tickets to get overseas. We get overseas and find out they have been shagging Antonio, the greasy Italian who works at the pizza joint. My God…what a waste of petrol!
We burn everything. It’s so much fun to burn things. Guys just get together and burn old stuff. That wooden chair that you inherited from your grandparents but is ugly as sin? Don’t sell it, burn it! And release C02 into the atmosphere.
We like to blow things up. Look at wars all around the world. Guys just like to use fuel to make bombs and blow things up. For no particular reason. George Bush however does have a reason- To get his hands on more oil! Which will then be used to abuse the planet even more.
We go into industries that use lot’s of oil because there is lots of money to be made in these industries. We do this to make money to impress all the beautiful girls. Eventually we make loads of money only to be rejected by these girls because we are in a “dirty” business. Then these girls go shack up with Bruno, the ugliest man in the world who was at school with you and was 1st team chess and a 1st team mathlete. He went on to find out a way to effectively store electricity from wind and solar farms and then put it into the national grid on demand. Now he gets the hot girl and we quietly take a box of rat poison and wash it down with a bottle of Jack Daniels.
We invent cool things. All the coolest stuff in the world has been invented by men. I’m actually just taking a wild guess but it’s probably semi true. Cool things use loads of power. It’s a curse…
We don’ think “Local is lekker” we think “Foreign means no worryin’!” We are convinced foreign products are better and that’s why we like to use dirty shipping to get our hands on products that are only available overseas.
We like to have extreme mind adventures. Drinking absinthe is the most fun you can have without really doing drugs. Imported absinthe makes you see fairies. Guys enjoy this sort of stuff, and therefore import products, just so their minds can see things that are not there. Girls will just do bus loads of cocaine and champagne. I guess these cancel each other out.
Guys watch extreme movies. While girls enjoy tame, soppy rubbish like the Notebook(Admittedly, most guys did cry. Obviously not me. I cried tears of rusty CV joints) and Must Love Dogs(Gay), us guys like to see Tom Cruise in movies where there are lot’s of explosions caused by oil that the earth has painstakingly produced over millions of years. We also like to see Marky Mark Wahlberg blowing things up in Shooter, because it’s fun and makes us feel alive.
We enjoy the smell of petrol. I never want to fill my car up with corn, or sugar ethanol or any of that stuff. I don’t want an electric car. I want to sit there and get high on proper petrol, from the earth. I want to stop my car at the petrol station after sitting in an hours worth of traffic. I want to arrive in a bad mood. I then want to sit there while the tank gets filled and inhale real petrol fumes. I want to get high, so that when I leave I am in a good mood and I don’t drive home. I fly home.
This is the world I envision. A real tough guy, Chuck Norris world.
Sean Lloyd
Editor
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