The first thing you notice when arriving in a city or country is obviously the airport. Unless you are a Mongolian trekker and you walk everywhere. Or you drove. Or ran or swam or whatever. But if you fly anywhere, the first impression is of the airport.

Well I tell you what, our boys at Cape Town International are PROPERLY throwing our name away. I will get into ACSA later because they are a disaster. But let’s take the News Cafe crew and their service.I might add here that I’m actually in no position to complain about their service- because there is none.

This is now at International arrivals and departures. Which means they should be making a damn good impression. But obviously News Cafe have other ideas.

Firstly we arrived and waited…for a waiter. Naturally my dad was a glass maker though and so I am see through. I’m like the invisible man on E TV’s late night. You cannot see me and therefore don’t need to serve me, or the 4 other people that I’m with. Cool, let’s take a stroll to find a waiter.

Find one just chilling at the front, mulling a couple of ideas around in his head probably:

“I wonder how I can be less helpful?”

“Did I pay the electricity bill?”

“Why is the earth round?”

He seemed like a cool guy though. But cool people are not necessarily intelligent. Like me. I’m a cool guy but I’m quite stupid. Fortunately for me I’m HILARIOUS and have a massive piece so all is forgiven. Plus I wear pink, drink Savanna, right now I’m listening to Rod Stewart and bizarrely I’m not gay. Awesome! Where was I going with this?

Ok so he was a cool guy. We tried to place an order.

“Wicked cool, go to the pool, back to school, to show daddy that I’m not a fool” I rapped to him.

I never did that but I felt it pertinent that I add that in to this article. That line has been in my head for absolute yonks doll! I sound like my aunt from Joburg. She wears a lot of gold. I think it’s my aunt. Call her that just because it’s easier than actually trying to find out exactly what she is.

“Cool, can I get two Amstels, one plain Coke, two double vodka’s with Coke Light and a Savanna”

“Ok sir”

I turn to leave.

“Sorry sir”

Wept.

“Yeah?”

“Just to check. Two Amstels, two double vodka and Coke and a plain Coke”

“It’s two double vodka’s with Coke Light and also add in a Savanna”

“Ok. Sir there is no Coke though”

Mother of Joseph! Is this guy trying to make my head implode? Is News Cafe going to be the final straw to shatter my back?

“No Coke at all?”

“No sir”

Ok well THAT is useful then. What’s next, there is no gravity at News Cafe? There is no oxygen?

By this stage the manager has arrived. Big guy, in need of a haircut maybe. Doesn’t look too clued up.

“Sir there is no Coke but we do have Pepsi and Pepsi Max. We are actually trying to promote Pepsi at the moment”

“Are you serious?”

“Yes sir”

“Ok well the girls aren’t keen on straight vodka so make the Coke a Pepsi then”

“We do have cans of Coke though, but they are only 200ml and we have machine Coke”

By the mother of God, was this guy being serious? Is he honestly trying to shatter my nerves?

Ok well now that Mr Manager has magically combined our waiters one brain cell with a Pepsi Max, by an act of the Gods they have managed to make Coke out of this concoction.

“Ok well just get us the two beers then, two double vodka’s with that watered down machine Coke, a plain Coke and a Savanna”

Finally we were allowed to go back to where we were sitting and actually spend some time with the person we were at the airport to see off.

About 15 minutes goes by when our boy arrives with the drinks. Somehow he managed to stuff the order up. He arrived with two plain vodkas and absolutely no Coke.

“Bud we need the Coke, I’m not about to eyeball Paul the vodka”

“Yes I’m getting the Coke now”

Well that’s expected I suppose.

He arrived back, gives us the Coke and scuttles off to go do nothing again.

So we tracked him down after that and ordered more booze.

This was one of those defining moments in my life.

He arrives back with our drinks order, everything perfect. He then says

“And the milkshake?”

Our boy was standing with a chocolate milkshake in his hand. Not one of us had mentioned “chocolate” or “milkshake” in our previous order.

He looked at us confused as though we were trying to trick him.

“Sorry that’s not ours, you must have the wrong table”

Off he went.

Eventually, on the verge of a nervous breakdown, or something lighter, like suicide, we ask for the bill.

We ask again.

We ask a third time.

No bill arrives.

Ok well it’s free then. If we literally have to beg to pay these people, and they don’t budge, then they obviously don’t need the money.

So we just got up and walked off. Suddenly our boy got a bit of Maurice Green in him and sprinted after us.

“Sir you never paid”

“Yeah I know. Well I can’t pay without getting a bill, and I can’t wait an eternity for the bill”

Eventually we paid, had a massive argument with the manager, who was now someone else as our other boy had obviously gone for a little siesta. Because he had spent all day not managing his restaurant.

So when the new Oxford Dictionary comes out, look up the word “disaster” and you will see next to it two words:

News

Cafe

Well done guys, humour like that is definitely not found on a cereal packet.

To find News Cafe on the internet click HERE. You know…if that’s your thing.

Sean Lloyd

Editor