Good morning to you, and it is a beauty.

*Everyone looks at Sean’s ripped body, shirt off*

Go ahead, don’t be shy. Looking is for free, but touching is gonna cost you something!

Look I don’t know what I did there.

Anyway, click on the “Vote for this blog” on the right of this page and scroll down to Best undiscovered Blog, 2nd last category and vote for SLXS. Once you have done this it is imperative(Nice word editor!) that you check your e-mail because you have to then paste a link into your browser to confirm your vote.

Voting for SLXS? It’s like paying your taxes.

You won’t get anything out of it, but it’s going to make you feel a whole lot better about yourself!

Sean Lloyd

Editor

You would think we are in some sort of wild 60′s acid trip the way this naweek (Weekend) is heading. Firstly, we are going to take a brick tonight, and smash the Paul van Dyk party in it’s face! Protoculture is going to be there, I have hired some circus midgets and it’s going to be wild. I’m also getting the VR3 back today. Put some NOS in the beast. Not quite street legal, but neither am I.

I would also like to say good luck to all the Cape Argus Pick ‘n Pay cycle tour riders. Sunday is going to be a pearler. Unfortunately I’m not riding this year, and Frank the Tank(Click HERE to see what I’m talking about) has substituted me and will now be hitting the Argus with the minimal of training and the maximum of partying. BMP is also riding and has trained for 96 minutes so he should do quite well too.

So we can all shave our legs now, wear spandex and not feel like total idiots.

And on Sunday Goldfish happen to be playing at Kirstenbosch so you can ride the Argus, and while your arse is still numb you can go sit on the grass and have a drink. Great success.

So good luck to the people going to Paul van Dyk, good luck to the riders in the Argus because you will need it and enjoy Goldfish on Sunday.

And if you see me around high five me.

Just because you can.

Sean Lloyd

Editor 

You might every now and again see clubs advertising a “Robot party” For a robot party, you wear green if you are single, orange if you are unsure and red if you are taken. Everytime I find myself at these parties I either wear black or white. And I will tell you why I (And most other people) refuse to wear green, orange or black.

Let’s firstly look at green. If you are a guy and you wear green you are basically saying you have not come right in ages and that you are in desperate need of hooking up with someone, anyone! Even if it’s one of the stragglers at 2am at Tin Roof. It’s a desperate situation you find yourself in and you are basically advertising yourself as a R20 man whore. Girls are looking at you thinking that you are just looking for action and they will avoid you at all costs.

Well…there are some that might jump at the opportunity! But you best avoid them anyway if you don’t want to go on antibiotics for the rest of your(Short lived) life.

If you look below at the photo which I conveniently took, there are two ways to tell that this guy is desperate(This “guy” happens to be me. This picture is for illustrative purposes so don’t read too much into it)

This is NOT good for my image, which is already in tatters. My image is made worse by the use of the word “tatters”

You would need to put this photo in context so let us pretend that I was was in a club, wearing jeans and a green shirt.

The first way to tell that I’m desperate is that I’m wearing green. Easy enough.

The second way to tell is that there is a massive plank in my pants. It’s actually the pleats. Not very flattering in the crotchal region.

Anyway so this at least gives you a visual guide as to what to look out for girls. Avoid these guys( Once again no need to avoid me, this was PURELY for illustrative purposes)

If a girl wears green guys are going to think it’s a girl who is just looking for action. Some guys will go for this but not all guys. Oddly enough, some of us guys are not quite attracted by the easy ones. If you are wearing green you might look a little desperate and we will avoid you. And the guys that do go for you are not the guys you necessarily want. Unless it’s antibiotics you are after.

As we all know, Paris Hilton is fond of green. All year round Paris Hilton is a green robot. And it’s like race day with ALL of LA’s cars lining up, all waiting to give the green light a good rev.

HATES a rev

Orange for both sexes basically says:

“Yeah I’m in a relationship but my other half is away and I’m keen to SMASH you”

These people, once again are best avoided. It’s never ideal to hook up with someone who is in a relationship. It could ruin your image and you probably won’t feel that good about yourself in the morning. Although once again, some of you might feel alright about this. That’s cool, whatever your vibe is I’m alright with it. I’m not angry with you…just disappointed.

Red does not necessarily mean that you are in a relationship. If you wear red you are a very clever person. You see, from my years spent in clubs, I can confidently tell you that there are some freaks out there. The stalkers. The ones who you meet that night, and when you are leaving say:

“Call me TONIGHT when you get home! And remember Sean, don’t try leave the country because I’ll find you! And I’ll have your kids whether you like it or not! And I’ll tie you down! And we WILL have 5 kids! And I’ll kill you one day!”

Those girls are best avoided. Yes I may be a stunningly handsome beast with pecks like bricks and abs like brick paving, but you cannot possibly fall in love with me after having chatted to me for two hours. Besides you had Savanna goggles on and I had beer goggles on. I can’t even see! I mean I was shot gunning a quart of brake fluid with my mates in the parking lot before hand so give me a break!

Red means you are there to avoid stalkers. Wear green or orange and you are practically prey to the club vultures.

I just can’t quite understand why they still have these parties because no one actually dresses in the colours. I wear black or white. That’s what I do. Or some other colour completely different to green, orange or red.

Wear any of the robot colours and you will be judged by the whole club. For good reason. They all read SLXS and they know what you want.

Stalkers to the left of me, slappers to right, here I am, stuck in the middle with SLXS.

The middle is a good place to be. It’s safe, the Jagerbombs flow freely, everyone is having a laugh and no one is worrying about being stalked or catching Paris Hilton’s latest disease that scientists have not named yet.

With SLXS it’s all good.

Sean Lloyd

Editor

Happy Birthday to the editor

UPDATE: I’m not sure who wrote this, it must be the “Tech guys” I don’t know if it’s my birthday today. I don’t know when I was born. I always believed that a stalk dropped me here. Unless…good Lord…is iBob my father?

I think a BIG thanks needs to go out to everyone who nominated us for the SA Blog Awards! We managed to crack a nod at “Best Undiscovered Blog” which is awesome.

So now once again we are going to need your help here. Due to the unwavering comical content here, we are going to win this category. But we need you!

So I’m going to give you a link at the bottom of this post. This one is quite simple really. On the link you need to scroll to the bottom of the page, “Best Undiscovered Blog” is the second last category.

Then click the little circle thing next to SLXS.

Then simply scroll to the bottom of the page, enter your e-mail address and click “Submit”

After that you just need to keep an eye on your inbox because you will be sent an e-mail to confirm your vote. It’s important that you read this e-mail(Check your junk/spam box it might get sent there) because there will be a link in it that you need to click to confirm your vote.

It’s that simple!

And it would mean the world to me.

So get your entire office voting. Even Mildred, the guy who was fired months ago but still arrives at work and gets sent to the basement to file stuff. Get him up to an internet connection and get him to make his vote. Tell him it’s got to do with National Security. Tell him if he votes he gets to date Gisele for a year. Just lie, do whatever you have to do.

This means the world to me.

Please click VOTE SLXS! to be directed to the voting page.

It’s go time!

UPDATE: Please note that if the link you get sent on your e-mail address does not work, then you just have to reply to that e-mail with the word “Confirm” and the judges will manually confirm your vote.

Sean Lloyd

Editor

I’m pretty sure you have all seen those ridiculous HomeMark TV adverts that show all the time. I was chilling today catching a few rays and checking up on various investments when this horrendous advert came on TV. For Epil Stop spray and wipe away. The only thing worse could be the sight of Isabel Jones who used to appear on Verimark commercials. What a fox…

NOT!

Basically Epil Stop is a spray bottle, with some sort of hair removing action to it. In the ad they spray it onto this dudes back. This man is possibly related to the woolly mammoth because he is a beast. A demon. So the spray is applied, and then simple wiped off with a cloth and all the hair is gone.

The advert makes it out to be the greatest invention of our time and as with any TV advert I was a little skeptical. This skepticism was correct because opening a little can of “Googletizer” from the internet fridge had me stumbling upon some reviews that are not so sexy time!

It’s well known that I like women who are smooth. Women also like me because I am smooth. People also seem to like me because I am polite and I am rarely late. I like to eat ice cream and really enjoy a pair of slacks.

Years later a doctor will tell me that I have an IQ of 48 and are what some people call “mentally retarded”

That’s a given. I also realise that women find shaving a hassle(Obviously) but on the flip side, they could cut the hassle of shaving or waxing and then also cut out the hassle of ever having a boyfriend, fiance or husband. Some might say “All right!” but we know you can’t quite live without us.

I mean, imagine what you wouldn’t be able to do without us! Let me list a few things:

1- Ummmm

2- Ahhhh

3- Well this is proving to be tricky isn’t it!

4- Ok a guy revolutionised the modern transportation with the automobile. Granted that little invention did go on to destroy the world but lets pretend global warming does not exist. That’s better!

5- There are lots of things I could list here, BUT the list is too long to mention. And if I start something I have to finish it and I will need all the time in the world which I don’t have.

6- Basically guys can’t live without girls, girls can’t live without guys. Sometimes guys and girls wonder how they actually do live with the opposite sex, but I guess it’s one of those wonders of the world.

So anyway I do realise that shaving is a serious mission and waxing is painful(Brazilian- Ouch) SO I thought I would see if this product helps.

Girls…I hate to break it to you…but for the near future shaving and waxing are going to be the only ways to look uber sexy like you currently do. I know it hurts babe.

But you know what hurts me? THESE(Click) reviews! They say the product does not work. They say it SUCKS!

Knowing that you are looking so sexy but that it’s causing you so much pain hurts my heart. I know that people call me Mother Theresa because I’m a friggin’ miracle worker, but I have not yet found an invention that is easy to use and will remove hair for a long time.

But in between my various missions around town, I constantly think of you. Not only do I think of you, but I think of the poor girl who actually has to wax people all day as a living.

I think of all of you girls.

But know that I love you.

Hugs and kisses

xxx

Hugs and kisses.

Be…strong!

Sean Lloyd

Editor

Considering what we are dealing with in this case, in some sort of way/vibe THIS just sounds odd.

The heading I mean. “Side”.

Don’t read too much into it. My mind works in mysterious ways.

Sean Lloyd

Editor

Thinking back to the other night where Jerry D was drinking a bottle of Jager, while Nick E Louder PUNISHED the decks, it forced me to learn more about the Jagerbomb. This is so exciting! I took a little browse at the Wikipedia library down the internet road from SLXS and came upon some phenomenal insight into the Jagerbomb. You might enjoy this.

You can reverse a Jagerbomb. Not in the sense of reversing it’s intoxicating and often hilarious effects, but rather reversing it by reversing the ratio of the Jager and Red Bull. It goes by the names of “Reverse Jagerbomb”, “Suicide Bomb”, “Jager Nuke” and “Jager Suicide” Sounds quite healthy then!

Basically what you do, is instead of of putting a shot of Jagermeister into a glass of Red Bull, you put a shot of Red Bull into a glass of Jagermeister. Why I never thought of this in between drinking molten lava is beyond me.

SLXS also lay claim to owning(I believe) the word “Jager Atomic Bomb” Seeing as though you and I actually now own the word “excess” we need to live up to that word. I can’t be letting people down. Enter the SLXS Jager Atomic Bomb.

Jager Atomic Bomb

You get on of those black municipal bins and put a big bucket inside it. I feed my security gate Vets Choice and it comes in a nice big bucket. You fill the smaller white bucket with Jagermeister and then put it into the larger black bin. Then fill Red Bull up until it’s nearly level with the white bucket.

Drink and enjoy! This can also be reversed, but I don’t think it will make much of a difference because either way…you will die.

The SLXS security gate runs on Vets Choice

Some of the ladies will have noticed that they can read my house number on the bin. In my share trading and stock exchange days that’s what we would call a “hot tip” Use it or lose it.

Then apparently Manly and Newcastle have banned the sale of Jager Bombs in nightclubs and pubs because the Jager Bomb encourages binge drinking and irresponsible behavior in the youth. True true…And adults as well!

Then the stronger versions of the Jager Bomb have been banned from many bars and clubs in Austin, Texas. Rad!

So it’s quite a potent drink we are talking about here and it seems that in South Africa we are not hindered by the banning of the Jager Bomb.

It’s just that…once it hits your lips…it’s so good!

I’ll do one! I’ll do one!

Frank Ricard

The Editor’s hero

It’s small things like this that excite me. I was browsing on Adii’s website, and came across THIS POST. Intrigued at actually owning a word on the internet, I knew it had to be bought. The mere thought of SLXS actually owning the word “excess” had me throwing beer all over myself. It was actually too much to comprehend at first.

So I cruised on over to The Big Word Project, and for $6(It worked out to like R50) I am now the owner of the word “excess” So now no one else can have it. It’s mine. It’s ours.

Basically SLXS now defines the word “excess” on the internet. And from The Big Word Project, that word links directly to SLXS. Brilliant! Have a gander over HERE. Ah the sweet smell of success!

We can use and abuse it freely now and we can mix it with beer. We can chew on it, we can play with it, we can lick it. Try it with some tomato sauce, mix it into your Jager bomb. We can now do whatever we like with the word “excess”

Go on, have a bit of fun with it.

I find this all quite fascinating and it’s a worthy addition to my portfolio. You know that portfolio. The one…

Sean Lloyd

Editor

With the many technologies that have infiltrated our lives, we find communication taking on different forms. From “talking” to people using sms, Mxit and social networking sites, the communication in the digital age is more impersonal but also better considering that people are constantly moving around the world. Communication is also faster and cheaper using new technology.

Some people still battle to find the words to end a relationship, or they just want to avoid the issue because it can be hectically difficult.

We have all heard the stories of how people break up, so here is a re-cap of them, and one newer one you might not have heard of.

The worst ways to break up:

By sms

Imagine you are just chilling one day and you get an sms from your other half saying that the relationship is over. Here are two people that at one point had many things in common, slept together(Possibly), shared many good memories and then when it comes to breaking up, they can’t even do it face to face. Sms as you can understand, is highly impersonal when ending a relationship!

But it does happen and you often hear of it happening. Especially with the celebrity type, where they see it as an alright thing to do. But celebrities do sleep with all the other celebrities and they also like 2 month marriages. They also like to meet someone, date for a week, get married in the second week and then pump out a couple of babies.

So breaking up by sms for a celebrity is not such a bad thing then.

On air

We all heard the stories of how Matt Damon broke up with Minnie Driver on Oprah Winfrey. Awesome! How cool is Matt Damon? Well they did deny this story but it just sounds so good I WANT to believe it. Telling the world you are breaking up with someone before you actually tell them, is to say the very least, stunningly phenomenal!

Imagine you are chilling on front of the TV, knowing that your partner is going to be interviewed. Things are going swimmingly, and they are discussing fame, money, culture and all that other rubbish.

Then suddenly Matt Damon says to Oprah:

“Yo O-Dog, guess who the Mattmeister is boning now?”

“Ummm…I’m guessing your girlfriend, Minnie Driver?” Oprah says.

“NOOOOOOOOO! Try Gisele!”

Minnie Driver is just chilling at home in her pajamas, with a glass of red wine at the fire when she hears this.

This is the breaking point where Minnie sprints to the fridge, pulls out the FULL FAT ice cream and opens it. She then goes to the cupboard, opens up a box of Jolly Jammers and throws them into the ice cream. This goes into the microwave for thirty seconds to make some sort of ice cream/ Jolly Jammer slush, also collectively known as “Thunder thigh maker”

A similiar move would be when one day you log onto SLXS and I mention that myself and my lady friend(If I had one. But I will never have one. I will have five) have broken up. She reads it later in the day, and the whole of Cape Town knows about the break up before she does. Fantastic!

So ideally you don’t want to go for this sort of break up. It’s not cool.

Via e-mail

E-mail is a great thing but it’s not as personal as the old school art of letter writing(I can call it an art, because kids these days, with Facebook and Mxit seem to have lost the art of writing, and spelling it seems) But I love e-mail because my readers can immediately mail me to tell me I’m an arrogant prick but I’m still the funniest person alive. Not that such an e-mail has EVER been received by me, I’m just talking in generalities. It’s sort of a hypothetical situation. In return I can immediately e-mail them back a photo of my ripped, toned and bronzed body, and all thoughts of me being an arrogant prick are forgotten.

Rambling on there…

But e-mail to tell someone that the relationship is over? Disastrous! So the scenario would go something like this:

Your absolutely stunning girlfriend with the most exquisite breasts in the world cruises off to work in the morning. Chilling there she eats a low fat something or other to keep in shape for YOU. She is chatting to everyone and starts downloading her e-mail. The e-mails start coming in:

Cross reference of hedge funds

Bull running through bear market

FTSE loaded with pepper

JSE loses points on back of OPEC increase

We need to start seeing other people

Oh what is that? She opens it and there is a long e-mail from you telling her that the relationship is tickets. She starts crying, the boss lets her leave early, life collapses etc etc. Eats ice cream mixed with Jolly Jammers or Oreos, life goes even more downhill.

But the final and classic way to break up is by FACEBOOK! It’s comical.

From what I believe, if you “break up” with someone on Facebook, you can list yourself as single. However, your partner also has to list him/herself as single. So if you say list yourself as single(You’re a female), your partners will go from “Ryan is in a relationship with Jess” to “Ryan is in a relationship”

So you have been dating someone for some time, and you are both seen to be dating as well through Facebook. Ryan connects through the universe to Facebook and casually notices that he is just in a relationship, but with no one. Ryan goes to check on Jess’s page and she is listed as single. He tries to contact Jess but there is no answer.

Later on Ryan goes onto Facebook again and it says that he has been tagged in a photo. Oh surprise, where was the photo taken?

His jaw drops through the floor when he realises it is a photo of Jess with her new guy. She has tagged Ryan as the new guy so that the photo gets sent to Ryans Facebook profile! Ha ha unbelievable!

Thinking that this surely must be a joke, Ryan leaves it for a while. He then goes on to Facefok later to check whats going on because he still cannot get hold of Jess on the phone. He searches her name but the auto search does not come on, and he has to type her full name and hit enter.

A full search listing comes up and he finds Jess. It says:

Jess:

Send message

Poke her!

View friends

Add to friends

Ha ha she has deleted you from her friends list!

This is one of those moments in life when everything around you starts falling apart. You want to swear at the little kid riding his bicycle in the road. You want to ride over the guy selling plastic coat hangers on the side of the road.

You literally want a meteor to hit earth, killing everyone except you and Gisele Bundchen. So that you and Gisele have to start the human race all over again.

You want to burn the letter in the post from that charity organisation asking you to donate just R10 for the old aged home.

You want your girlfriends house to burn right to the ground. And then you want the ground below to start burning, so that everything just drops into hell.

It’s not the ideal situation in life and it’s sure to make you a wreck with no future in the city that the break up happened.

Personally I think the Facebook break up is the worst one of all the above mentioned break up techniques. Especially tagging the new guy/girl as YOU, so that the photo gets sent to your Facebook page.

As mean as all of this is I think we can all see some sort of humour here. I mean it’s just so bizarre that you have to laugh!

So if your relationship is on the rocks, please don’t use any of the above mentioned techniques. I don’t quite endorse them.

Sean Lloyd

Editor