I’m not quite sure if all cities around the world have so many functions, but in Cape Town hardly a week walks by when I’m not invited to attend some sort of function. Normally it’s the opening of something where they basically feed you alcohol and snacks and you don’t even know what type of business they are trying to promote. I don’t drive to functions because I know I won’t be able to drive home afterwards.
Anyway it’s hilarious because for some bizarre reason, people think that inviting me to the opening of various things in Cape Town will do something amazing for business. I don’t know where this theory comes from but it exists.
As you all know I live life for the thrill and hardly ever take anything seriously. Unless I have to be serious. But in any event where I can maximise the fun, I go right ahead and do it.
Last week I was to attend some sort of function/gathering/ Freemason meeting/ Messiah gathering/ product launch or something of the type. I actually had no clue what it was but I knew I was going to burn it. So based on my previous functions, and largely on my latest function, here is the SLXS guide to successfully attending a function:
Ignore the invite
To be honest, meetings and phone calls are when business is done and I hardly ever take a function seriously. Everyone knows it’s just an excuse to get drunk. Remember this. If the invite says 6pm, arrive at about 6:30. That way all the people who want to “run some ideas by you” are already in conversation with hideously boring people.
There is nothing worse than arriving there and punishing half a bottle of red wine and then you get some geek in a suit with pants that are too short asking if “we can just touch base” So many business people throw that line out there just like they are throwing out the trash. “Just touch base” Listen dude, you can touch base with your wife or girlfriend, but I’m NOT touching base with you!
Unless you magically transform into a 6ft female model which I highly doubt you can. Although you will assure me that this will be possible in the very near future. Shut up this isn’t a damn science convention. I’m here to get sloshed. Go play with your PalmPilot. Cross reference some hedge funds. Chase the bull market. Check how Bear Sterns are doing. Whatever you do keep your genetic superiority away from me. Nerd.
Ignore the dress code
A decent amount of the time these functions will have a casual dress code but every now and then we get someone trying to be a hero and they will say “Black tie” or “Formal” As a rule I don’t own a black suit. It’s way too common. I’m into more of the old skool dapper vibe. I acquired a tweed suit a while ago and at my last function, the dress code was formal. Don’t ask why the following photo is sideways. It’s saved upright but for some reason this computer won’t work and I don’t have time to mess around now. I’m going to some sort of lunch thing and it’s more interesting than trying to figure out photo editing.
No jokes here, every single person(Around 300 people attended) was wearing a black suit. Your editor? Hell no! I rocked up in tweed and proceeded to blow the function apart. By the end of the night people did not know if I was an investment banker or an oil tycoon.
Change your name and your business
I’m lucky that I don’t need to go to functions and sell myself, and best of all, whatever funny things happen at these functions, it just gives me something to write about. I hardly ever give my real name or my job description. I have gone from owning the Exclusive Books in Cavendish to being a Wall Street mogul who intends to develop apartments in Cape Town. Life is so much more fun when you are just telling stories. If I tell people I’m a writer, it’s not fun.
It was between that and Muhammad
But if I grossly exaggerate things, it’s fun. Plus they are not really that interested in what I have to say. They are only attending these functions to see who they can use as leverage in order to expand their business interests and make more money. I throw them right off the track and have fun.
Honestly, who wants to go to a function at 8pm, then get drunk and talk business? I surely don’t. And the best is when you have to have a little card on you with your name. Last time I was simply “McLovin” The best part was that I was the youngest person there by at least ten years. But most people were cruising past 50 or so, so I had a good laugh. They don’t know that McLovin is a character from SuperBad.
No ways the 80′s music channel is playing “Never gonna give you up” by Rick Astley. SICK!
So I played the situation.
“McLovin?”
“Yeah that’s right my parents couldn’t afford to get me another name”
“Really?”
“No I’m actually not sure I have always just had this name though”
“Oh interesting I’ve never seen that before”
“Yeah it’s kind of weird. Like my third nipple”
Then you just play it from there, tell them you are a serial entrepeneur with a thirst for developing alternative energy sources to reduce the strain on Eskom and to reduce CO2 emissions in accordance with Kyoto.
If you are talking to a person who knows nothing about the topic you are speaking about then they don’t have a foot to stand on. They believe every word you say and just nod in agreement. You could basically tell them that you are starring alongside Colin Farrel in his next film and they will believe you.
I do things like this all the time. I leave functions and no one knows that I was actually there. I arrive and leave no trace of my being there. Like a super stealth law enforcement agent.
Take advantage
Look I’m not shy at these functions. Don’t think “Oh I better not eat all the sushi what if some other people want who have not had the chance to eat”
No no no! Life is brutal and the city is a battle for survival. Do you think the animal kingdom are worried about the other little animals that need to eat? No. Exactly. If there is sushi and some other snacks, eat all the sushi first. Eat as much as you can. Don’t be shy. Wine? Drink as much as you like. No need to be a minster here, you are here to party. I mean…you were born to party!
I like to attend functions by the motto of “If it’s free it’s for me”
On the other hand when I go to the rugby I like to apply the 3-2-1 rule.
3L bakkie. 2L Coke. 1L brandewyn.
Go to lot’s of functions
As much as I act like I don’t care at functions, I go to enough of them to actually now be confident in my composure and character at these events. Like anything else in life, it’s all about practise. I used to arrive at functions all keen and interested until I realised my purpose on earth is to have fun, party and make people laugh so that they have more fun.
Be carefree, mingle with the good crowd, eat the good snacks, drink the good drink and have fun. Life is not ALL about work, ALL the time.
Play with your food
When you are at these dinner functions for various societies you claim to belong to, have fun with the food. My parents always told me not to play with my food. The last thing they saw was a roundhouse kick. I will play with my food if I want to. I will make my food into shapes.
Gentlemen, welcome to Filth Club
There is not all that much to say really about these functions. But to end this off have fun, play the fool and never take life too seriously. There is plenty of time to “network” and “touch base” Functions are there to chillax and take advantage of stuff you are not paying for.
I suppose this is the last time anyone invites me to a function!
Good luck out there.
NOTE: Some people might wonder why I altered the images above. The reason is if I let people know my organisations and affiliations they stalk me. True story. Then they throw their underwear at me. Which looks cool at a rock concert but it’s not cool in real life.
Sean Lloyd
Editor
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