This is not really something that I was going to talk about but I thought it is now necessary.
A couple of months ago I had to renew my cellphone contract. Renewing your cellphone contract is kind of like chaining yourself up in a maximum security prison while Babba looks at you like a rare steak. It’s a 2 year mess of money, money, money and loads of tears when the bill comes.
Anyway… I was renewing my contract and the lady at the counter said:
“Oh sir we are running a promotion and you get a free digital camera with your contract”
I was not that impressed because I already own a digital camera. Anyway I said:
“Cool, if it’s free it’s for me”
So she went into the back and came out with this digital camera that looked all very nice. Cellphone contracts take forever to renew and by now Kauai opposite the cellphone shop was looking like a sure deal while they filled in 1,2 million forms and asked for my signature as though I was a superstar. Wait…I’m a megastar. So she handed me over the camera and it looked delicious enough to eat.
Then some more forms and she then said:
“Sorry sir I seem to have made a mistake”
“Jesus wept” I LOUDLY shouted in my head
“What’s happening?” I said, sure that, like a fat kid, I was about to have my choc-chip cookies taken away from me.
“I’m actually supposed to give you a video recorder”
“Oh sick, hand it over bitch!” I never really said that but it sounds like something they would say in an American teen movie.
She handed me over this little beauty, probably the most beautiful thing I had touched all year other than myself.
All the usual rubbish happened and I took it home and never opened it because I’m not good at reading instruction books and all.
Less than a week later I get a call from the lady:
“Hi Sean have you opened the video recorder yet?”
“Um no it’s still in the box” I replied, unaware that she wanted it back.
“Well I actually made a mistake and I was supposed to give you the camera, not the video recorder. If everything is still in the box would it be possible to return it? Otherwise I have to pay in the difference which is quite a bit”
“Uh you know what I actually remember giving the video recorder to my brother to keep and I think it’s at his dig’s house. I can call him and see if they have used it or not”
“That would be great, can I call you back later?”
“Yeah sure go for gold” I said.
A few hours went by as I knew I was being the biggest idiot on the planet by not giving the recorder back. There was a twinge of guilt…but also a bit of excitement as I realised all my life I had been a pretty decent person. And sometimes you just want to break the law and stand on people, and steal shit. I kept saying “It’s not that bad, it’s not like you killed someone”
That made me feel better and I was ready for the call later in the afternoon.
“Well actually the video recorder is not open so you can have it back” I told her.
“Great! Sean when can you drop it off?”
“Well I’m not just going to give it back to you. I need something in return”
We then chatted and I quietly mentioned a handski would be nice. She said Sir Moosa from the store room was better at this though. I was reluctant at first but I just closed my eyes and pretended it was Gisele Bundchen. So basically I got a handski AND a digital camera!
It was singularly the best cellphone contract ever. It rocked my world.
What did they put in this whisky? Did someone slip me a roof-a-lux? Sorry I don’t remember writing that last part.
No I never got action from her or him, of course I would not do something like that! I mean…I guess I wouldn’t…wait…hold up..I guess…this is bizarre.
So here is the true story. She calls me back and asks about the camera.
“Well actually, and this is most unfortunate, I would dearly love to give it back but my brother has already used it, his digs mates have been using it to put videos on YouTube”
She seemed a little disappointed and I had a massive guilt hangover.
Then finally yesterday I decided to play around with the camera and film some funny shit for SLXS. I turn the beast on and it says “No tape”
I was confused as it was digital. A little more probing and I realised that by some divine act of God, it was not actually a digital video camera, but some old piece of junk tape camera which is the most pathetic thing I have ever heard of. Even more embarrassing is the fact that I told the girl form the cellphone shop that they were loading the videos onto YouTube. Which is not possible on this camera!
Imagine she had caught me out, it would have been the most embarrassing thing on the planet!
“Sir it’s tape, for YouTube you might need digital”
But luckily she was not that intelligent. I mean she had given me a camera, then taken that away and given me a video recorder. Now she was wanting the video recorder back so I was not too worried about her intelligence levels.
So now I’m the idiot, and I should have known this would happen. I’m good all year round, for real, and I do one little thing like this and get punished HARD. At least with the digital camera I could have taken pictures. Now I’m stuck with a tape recorder that I will never use in my life. I think I can take photos with this beast, butfor a camera it’s the size of a small family.
Don’t you just hate it that you try one sneaky thing and it comes back to hit you in the face with a brick? But then there are other people that you remember from school, those arrogant pricks that treat girls like shit, open up dodgy businesses, make a lot of money illegally, eat rubbish and get fat, and they live until like 80.
Here I am pretty decent, put up with all the crap girls give me, eat right and all the rest and one day my wife will probably leave me for a Vietnamese circus midget and I will have a heart attack at the age of 40. Then before my body can be taken away a meteorite will hit it and destroy it and I will fade into oblivion.
It’s cool though, NOT depressing at all.
And even though this is a “product review” I think you can forgive me for not reviewing this piece of junk. It would be worthless because none of you care about tape anymore. It’s all digital these days. Typical cellphone shops- Clean out your bank account, tie you to a 2 year contract and then make you feel better by giving you a “Digital cam” that they know you can’t use. Samsung probably had a clearance sale where they gave cellphone shops all these accessories for free.
It makes me TENSE!
Sean Lloyd
Editor
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