Some may call parts of this crude. However, THE Editor, Sean Lloyd, releases these words in the interest of public health and safety:

The hug/kiss dilemma is an age old, shall we say, “tradition”. Traditionally you come across the hug/kiss dilemma when you are a young child and you meet your parents friends. For the first few years when you are really young they just say hello to you and there is no physical contact such as a hug, or a kiss on the cheek.

But then a couple of years go by and they see that you have matured. If you are a girl they will notice this maturation by the size of your exquisite breasts. In my case, I grew an IMMENSE PIECE which could be seen through even the baggiest of K-Fed pants. This did seem to attract the attentions of various MILFS that my parents knew. And some Mom’s I would-not Like to F…. So once they realise you have matured, they want some sort of physical contact. And they are either huggers, kissers, or both.

If you are a girl, your parents male friends will go in for the hug so that they get some breast contact. Because when they hug their wives, they get no breast contact as their wives exquisite breasts are now just too hideous to comprehend. The only breast contact they get is when they jiggle their feet and they realise they are jiggling their wifes tits, which are peeking out at the bunions on their wives feet.

If you are a male, you will definitely get the hug and kiss from the females. The hug to get close to you and brush their hands on your main chap, and the kiss to TASTE you. It’s not enough for women of this age to have one sensation because they want them all. They want to smell your manly scent of whisky and cigarettes. They want to feel your IMMENSE PIECE. They want to see that puppy dog look in your eyes as they squeeze your Jack Johnson so tight that you nearly hit a high note like The Bee Gees.

The problem is you never know when someone is going to go for a single kiss, or a single hug, or combine the two. Even more mind boggling is the fact that sometimes they want a kiss on each cheek.

So you see the old dirty bitch from across the room and you know she wants to ravage you in the bedroom like a RABID HYENA. You see her walking across the room to attack you and you try backtrack before she completely abuses your current hormonal situation which is so off the hook that you pitch a tent when the hot biology teacher(Ms Venter) bends over to reach for an overhead slide.

Anyway she has autopilot on and she also had missile lock on you(Some of these slappers even have missile cock) You know that the situation is unavoidable and you reluctantly crack a smile.

“Hey! How you doing?!” You say, with a surprise in your tone of voice that could be compared to the tone of voice you would use when you woke up smashed at the school social and Bernice the fat chick was pulling into you while simultaneously massaging your bag.

“OH. MY. GOD! SEAN! I have not seen you in yonks?!” Slag says.

“I know, Christ you look AMAZING Agatha! How much did your husband pay for your face?” I say all giddy and excited.

“Oh don’t worry about the price. God how you’ve grown!”

“I know. Probably about half a metre since I last saw you?”

“Oh I was thinking at least another 6 inches”

“Oh you’re looking there! You saucy old bitch you!”

“Sean I don’t know if I ever told you this but I totally want to cut off your skin and wear it to my birthday…ha ha…it’s coming up…”

“Agatha you know I have a restraining order against you?”

“OH that thing!”

This is the point where Agatha leans in for the hug and kiss. Not knowing what in Manto Tshabalala Msimangs name is going on, I lean in just for the kiss. A kiss is WAY better than the full on fondle of my kid factory. So I give her a light little pecker(While she tries to zone in on my eagle) on the cheek and immediately go for the release, pulling away from slag bag.

Not content with this, she pulls me in for the hug. At this point my body has totally released itself from the kiss and I am in a movement away from her. Defying my away movement she pulls me in and this has my body going completely off balance. This is the pinnacle(She would call it climax) of the hug kiss dilemma.

It’s that moment where you look and feel awkward as you lose your balance and basically fall into her arms. Trying to keep your face away from her neck(To avoid that hideous floral perfume/toilet spray), you have your head looking sideways as your arms are spread out beside you trying to balance your body.

And that’s it, the point where everyone sees the awkwardness of the situation as you basically fall over, into this old chicks arms.

Another variation is when YOU go in for the hug and the kiss. This is normally warranted when you are dealing with a genuine MILF. So anyway, her husband is hung like Ron Jeremy, and she is not that interested in you. So she is just going for the kiss, and as she is pulling out of the kiss, you are still leaning in for the hug.

At the last moment you realise it will not work so you kind of try pull back, but your balance is way off now. Then you just kind of arbitrarily pat her on the back with one hand while pulling your head away and the awkwardness of the situation can only be described as like going for “The Lunge”

It’s also awkward when dealing with a genuine MILF because then you might be flying half mast. Some of you might be pitching a tent. Or a marquee in my case. The problem here is what to do with the marquee pole. The best thing to do here is just to flip it up into your waist band.

Also when dealing with a genuine MILF who is way out of your league, you might as well just give the situation a full rev seeing as though you have nothing to lose. She might say something like:

“Sean come here I want to give you a kiss on the cheek!”

This is when I say:

“Well Agatha, actually, the funny thing is, my cheek just happens to be on my KOK!”

It’s always funny and when you have nothing left to lose, you might as well laugh.

To those of you unaware, the lunge is quite simply that moment where you definitely think you are going to pull into someone. You might be hammered at a club one night, dancing with a guy/girl, and you think that they are TOTALLY into you. So you wait a while, make some eye contact, make sure that the set up is right and then…BAM…LUNGE! You pull in for the kiss, and when you get half way, you realise they are not going to pull in.

The awkwardness of this situation is actually so bad that it puts many people out of the game for weeks, even months. You don’t want to try kiss anyone just in case it goes pear shaped. It’s highly embarrassing and if you speak to my mate Gary G he will tell you many amusing stories about “The Lunge” We always have a good laugh about it.

There are many variations of the hug/kiss dilemma and I have just drawn out two situations here. However I think it serves as a pretty decent test of what the hug/kiss dilemma is. When coming across any other variations of the situation, you will know it’s happening when it happens and you can be safe in the knowledge that it has happened to almost everyone who has ever lived.

It’s happened to me, but I seem to have gotten over it now. So you too can survive the hug/kiss dilemma and go on to lead a normal life.

If by “normal” you mean that everyone drinks a bottle of whisky every day to try and cope with the embarrassment that was put on them when they were young and got hit with the dilemma.

Sean Lloyd

Editor