That when you shower the soap does not lather?

Clean.

Sean Lloyd

Editor 

You found that good right?

Was it as good for you as it was for me?

You know…Bobby on the beat. iBob on the beat. iBobby on the beat.

I’m a lyrical master.

A little thanks needs to go out to our computer guy, iBob, for throwing the Fitfuel ad on the site. iBob will be coming in handy over the next few weeks as more adverts get put on. Many of you constantly lose sleep over this enigmatic character, wondering if he is actually real. Many believe iBob is fictional, only existing in myth.

I can confirm that iBob is real in fact and is not a figment of my imagination in order to compensate for a lack of real friends.

I’m joking! I’m loved by the whole of Cape Town…hello?

Is anyone there?

Mom. Dad. Why do my calls go unanswered? Maybe…good grief…maybe I’m not loved…

Anyway, iBob does exist is what I’m trying to say, and there are even rumours currently sweeping through Cape Town that there is a photo of this enigmatic stunt engineer(I just made that up. I don’t even know what it means). A photo not revealing his true identity, but proving that he may in fact grace you with his presence, even if you are not aware of it.

iBob has more of a cult following than anything else and while we could reveal what he does when not helping us out here, that would be telling. He is a an international man of mystery and we will probably never reveal his true identity. What I can tell you is that he works for some big guns, the real moguls in Cape Town. Actually his work breaks all boundaries, and people overseas may even enjoy the work he does, although they will never know it.

I’m not going to lie to you, iBob is kind of a big deal. People know him. He has many leather bound books and his apartment smells of rich mahogany.

While we go on a savage journey to the source of this alleged photo of iBob, we also take time out to ponder the meaning of the journey. The SLXS journey will take you places.

Look I don’t know what I’m talking about. I just read over this post and I don’t even remember writing it.

I must go now before I break down in tears.

Sean Lloyd

Editor

Some of you may be wondering as to what sneaky things SLXS are up to now. One day we start up and the next day we are cracking our whip at the big guns such as Google and a little company called “Newscorp” That’s a lie but I’m pretty sure if we continue as we are that we will take over the world. So stick with us and enjoy the ride.

You will notice the first advertiser here being Fitfuel, which ties in perfectly with my current interest in looking more like Brad Pitt from Fight Club, and less like Jon Heder in Blades of Glory. I just bought a Nike speed skipping rope and am in the process of mounting my speed ball. Yes you better believe it, a speed ball. Just like Iron Mike and Ali used to hit at a rate of knots. I just want everything to be done at speed these days. I want to write quicker, grow SLXS quicker and be quicker.

Which is why I’m training for the Two Oceans Half Marathon. A full marathon is a little too hectic seeing as though I was blessed with legs that might resemble a very small branch on a tree. Like a very very small branch. Some people call it a stick.

Anyway we are proud to have Fitfuel chilling on the right hand side of the page. Fitfuel are an online health store focusing on extremely good prices. Cape Town in summer is hectic and you want to hit the beach looking your best so Fitfuel is the place to visit to cater for that part of your life.

Living a lifestyle like I do involves mountain biking, trail running, my new interest in a boxers workout and pretty much doing everything fast and to the maximum. Fitfuel fit in perfectly with this aspect of my life, and yours!

I trust we will all take a gander over to Fitfuel at the link provided and purchase whatever we need to be looking good. This will make Cape Town even more awesome than it already is which is no doubt going to make it the best place on earth…again!

I will be going into more depth on Fitfuel in the coming days but it’s hectic here at SLXS. And by “hectic” I mean that I can’t decide whether I really need to spend more time at Llandudno, or whether to knock the life out of the speedball or just take some time to myself and listen to this rad new DVD I have featuring Elton John, Eric Clapton, Sting and even Phil Collins.

Fridays are so Xtreme in Cape Town.

Anyway it IS the weekend and I trust you are not at work at this time. And if you are at work I trust you will e-mail me the name of your company and who your boss is so I can personally kick your boss into touch and tell him to not mess up the relaxed atmosphere of Cape Town on a Friday.

Let’s get out of here.

Sean Lloyd

Editor

Never one to be too interested in what is going on in the lives of celebrities, I never mention them on this site because this site is dedicated to Cape Town( that’s YOU!) Anyway, I was sent a link to something about Tom Cruise. So one moment I was sitting at my POWER desk typing up POWER e-mails, in my POWER suit, at my POWER computer, with my POWER hair and my POWER strong hand, and the next moment I was rolling around uncontrollably on the floor laughing. Tom Cruise is a God for using the most absurd pick up line ever.

I have heard many pick up lines in my time, the most classic being “So you come here often?” It’s best that when using this you make sure that the establishment you are in is actually a place that this lady could in fact frequent often. So don’t say it at a house party(UNLESS of course it’s her house. But this is lame as well because then of course she goes there often)

You can also walk up to a girl, put your hand in her drink and grab the ice, throw it to the floor HARD, then stand on the ice, shattering it. You then casually say “Well there’s the ice breaker, wanna shag?”

Alternatively you can say “Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?” I doubt this is too successful, in fact, I don’t think pick up lines are successful at all. Unless you throw them out with such flair, such pizazz, such devilishly handsome charm and with such confidence and a slight bit of sarcasm that the girl is bound to fall for you.

Another classic is if you are really good looking, some girls tend to get nervous around you(Ho ho don’t you know it! Jokes…sigh), and when you add in a few drinks they start to stumble. You will be introduced to them and they will be in such awe of you that they might fall over or trip when in your vicinity. You can then gently put a hand on their waist, and say “Babe we have only just met and you’re already falling for me” It’s so cheesy that all that is missing is the pizza base.

HOLD UP!

Have I written this before? I’m getting a sense of deja vu here and it feels like I might have written an article similiar to this before. So please forgive me if you have read this.

While these pick up lines are absolutely pathetic and I would urge you not to use them, there is one pick up line that eclipses these. It’s made by tom Cruise.

I should add that you can use pick up lines if you have nothing to lose.

A situation where you have nothing to lose would be if you are in a club where you are playing way out of your league and you may as well amuse yourself and your friends by using pick up lines on the most beautiful girls you have ever seen in your life. You would also probably be blind drunk here, which is another case for having nothing to lose. Or you could be in a situation in life where you just think that you are never going to meet someone that actually likes you and here again you could try pick up lines even if just to lightly amuse yourself. After all they say laughter is the best medicine.

I tend to disagree with that as often my laughter tends to turn into crying, which ends up with me falling asleep by myself to the sweet sounds of the Bee Gees.

Good grief! Did I just type that previous paragraph? I must apologise. I have this great photo and video editing program on the Macbook Pro in the other room, we can edit that part where you read that previous paragraph right out of your life. So don’t stress.

So back to Tom Cruise who at one was apparently quite keen to eat the placenta of his newborn child. I’m not even spicing this story up with the Bombay After Burner available at the curry shop down the road from me. No really I’m not! The Daily Mail reported it HERE a while back. Truly special!

I was perusing THAT article on The Superficial, and found it hilarious that as recently as 2004, Tom Cruise was leaving voice messages on Jennifer Garners voice mail asking “if she knew what freedom was” The Superficial then basically say that that is his pick up line. Do you know what freedom is?

Good beef it’s all too hilarious! But laugh as we may…because we all know that after laugh laugh comes cry cry. And I fear that if that line is not used in and amongst the nightclubs and beaches of Cape Town, that we will not be getting the most out of the city of Cape Town. I think by using that simple tactic of copying Tom Cruise, the creator of all things good in the world, Cape Town will monumentally increase its score rate.

Let’s get serious for a second here. If you are a girl you probably know what I look like if you are a regular here on SLXS. Just imagine me right now staring into your eyes. Your big puppy dog eyes. Imagine me moving my lips ever so slowly, at first not saying anything, just breathing gently on you. Getting you ready for the knock out pick up line that will have you falling for me. Imagine you are actually expecting something more serious and intelligent, when out of the blue:

“So angel, do you KNOW what freedom is?”

Be honest with yourself here, you would not be able to resist me after that. Take another scenario and replace me with Donald Trump. By the way, why does Donald Trump have a dead raccoon on his head all day? If he is trying to set a fashion trend then it’s not working.

So have you replaced myself with him? Yes you have. Now Donald is uglier than me, that I can be honest about. But you would still fall for The Don because that pick up line is exactly what the ladies want to hear.

I mean in todays world of office jobs and constant worry about work, everyone wants to be a little more free. Tom Cruise can offer you freedom, but now thanks to the internet, I have sourced this article for you and you can also offer the women of your dreams some “freedom”

I don’t see how this pick up line cannot work, and I will be stunned if you e-mail me and tell me that you got rejected after throwing this fine piece of poetry towards a young lass. I will be shocked.

We will leave it at that. Tales of rejection or scoring to the usual address.

Sean Lloyd

Editor

I’m sure many of you think that I just kind of chill out and relax, which is chillaxing. I’m sure you think my writing talent is wasted on the life of leisure, pleasure and all those good things.

I’m probably also sure that you think that I don’t really know how to write, and during periods of blackouts in my mind I write my various articles for SLXS.

However, just to reassure you that I am actually of fair intelligence and that I am not like Brick in Anchorman, I wrote a piece especially for another website, which is up now. YES YES YES! Where is it Sean?

I’m sure you are asking that.

Well, this particular piece can be found over HERE which will direct you to Reporter.co.za

Go on, have a look, don’t be shy. So I thought that would put your minds at ease, and I also thought that it might let you know that SLXS are a freight train from hell, storming right through the internet and we won’t surrender!

This year is going to be a cracker. So much to do! So many articles stuck in my head, waiting to sent out, waiting to grow the empire. It’s all a little much this early in the morning, but I’m sure you will enjoy it.

Sean Lloyd

Editor

I have been really good lately in not going out and exercising a lot in preparation for stuff(Obviously being Fight Club I’m not allowed to talk about it so I won’t) No really I did some skipping with my new Nike Speed Rope(R160 at Sportsmans Warehouse in Rondebosch, Klipfontein Road I believe) this morning and now my calves feel like they are on fire. Wait until I hang my speedball up, I think in me, we have the next Iron Mike Tyson on our hands seeing as though I am doing the boxers workout.

What I wanted to say is that I twisted my arm today. In fact my friends twisted it into going to Tiger Tiger tonight for the “Golf pros and tennis hoes” party. Something about the name of that party just sounds correct in my mind.

So if you are young-ish, you can head off to Tiger Tiger tonight either dressed as a golf pro or a tennis ho. Naturally I was going to go as a tennis ho, but then I realised I don’t even like tennis that much.

It’s just that I have that nice pink Nike dress I used to like to wear when I went through my Maria Sharapova stalker stage.

GOOD LORD! Did I JUST type that loud?

Please do excuse me I am totally out of character.

Apparently if you dress in theme you get in free and if you are a student( Ahhh the days…) you get their new VIP student card. Wicked!

It’s a lot they are giving out there. VIP student cards, no entrance fee and loads of pros and hoes. Wah wah wee wah! I like! Sexy time!

Look I need to go rummage through the old golf bag and see if I can kit myself out tonight. Although I fear I may not be able to dress as a golf pro, so I’m going as a golf mogul.

“Did anybody say good shot?”

“Ah great shot Mr President!”

Some of you may understand that. Whatever, use it or lose it.

So that’s your schedule tonight.

Sean Lloyd

Editor

Mmmmm…good!

For quite some time now I have known about the word “Crackberry” and I saved it for a blustery Cape Town day like today, where I know you will be on the computer and not on the beach or having an extended breakfast that extends right the way through dinner and you end up stumbling away at 4am after hitting countless “Hand grenades”

I first heard the word Crackberry listening to Ryan Seacrest, on E! Entertainment. I don’t see what girls see in him. He is so irritating and so overrated. Somebody fire him.

I SAID NOW! SON OF A BITCH!

Sorry.

Anyway…

He mentioned the word Crackberry, which is a mixture of crack(The stuff Auntie Bertha used to smoke in the school yard, waiting to pick the kids up), and berry, which comes from “Blackberry”, the device used to do everything but touch you in nice ways.

It seems that people are becoming addicted to their Blackberry’s and are checking e-mails constantly wherever they are.

I have long been a fan of the internet, because there are ludicrous ways to make money on it, which always appeals. When my computer was away for a few days I just sat in the corner sucking my thumb and cried for cookies. No one brought them to me. I was on my own.

I see these addictions everywhere and that is why I refuse to install the Facebook application on my phone and there is a 100% chance that I will never ever speak to you on Mxit. You see people all the time who you are trying to have a conversation with but they are so busy on Mxit and Facebook that they waste your time.

Get back to me when you have stopped chatting to a screen…

It’s not surprising really that people feel the need to be in contact all day because it makes them feel busy and important.

We live in such a twisted world that people feel the need to sound busy, even if they aren’t. I see nothing wrong with doing nothing with your day if all your work is done, or if you work freelance. People expect us to work from 9-5 every day, and if you don’t they ask you “So what do you DO with your time?”

Well there are plenty of things to do! You can cook, read books, write, visit friends, climb the mountain, sleep, watch TV or whatever you feel like doing. There is nothing wrong with doing something that other people feel is “nothing” I don’t see the point of sitting behind a computer screen doing nothing just to sound busy.

It reminds me of a story I read ages ago somewhere. If you sit at home all day doing nothing, people will look at you as if you are lazy and have no life ambition. However, transfer yourself to the beach for 5 hours, and people are suddenly saying “Oh cool!” Just because you were on the beach doing nothing, it immediately sounds productive.

This world is too much for me. And YOU no doubt!

There is actually an entry on the word “Crackberry” over on MERRIAM- WEBSTER’S OPEN DICTIONARY.

It’s all very intriguing and the best way to avoid it is to not have these devices. I take it back to the old school with my phone. Granted I do hate my Motorola Rizr V3 or Z3 or whatever it’s called.

But at least there is no e-mail, Facebook or Mxit installed on it.

I like to be out of touch with the world. Does it ever amaze you that you miss a call on your phone and people call you back later saying “Why don’t you answer your phone?”

Well did you ever think that I was doing something else during that time? Did you ever think that I am not a robot and cannot do a million things at once? Did you ever think that maybe I was busy, or exercising, or trying to speak to someone else in real life?

Wow this is getting way out of control, I’m going to go do nothing. That is something.

Sean Lloyd

Editor

I was taking a look at that place now called “Blu Bar”(Spelling may be wrong, who cares) in Claremont in Cape Town, opposite God’s gift to the inebriated, the 24 hour Woolworths! By the way if you want to make lot’s of cash, just open a Woolworths in Cape Town. Anywhere in Cape Town. As long as there is some sort of life nearby, you WILL make money.

I dug deep to think of this places old name. Oh yes. Sobhar. I had one or two good times at Sobhar, but nothing to get aroused about. But then I thought back to the last good party I had in that building…and it was when it was Billy The Bums!

Billy The Bums for some or other reason was just the sickest place on the planet. If my memory serves me correct here, Bob Skinstad had something to do with Billy’s. It was so rad there that ever since closing, it just completely lost the vibe. Re-inventing it by changing the name has not worked either. It seems that when the name Billy The Bums died, so did the soul of the place.

I saw it across from Woolworths the other day, and tears started welling up in my eyes(Nearly) and I just wished we could turn back time. I remember partying there until no one knows what time. Clocks did not work that late. There was something unpretentious about it, even though the big names went there, especially after sports games.

It was one of those clubs that just captured the Cape Town spirit, but the relaxed atmosphere of it all was what made it good for me. Not to mention the fine looking people there! Ooooh…so fine! So fine to touch!

It reminds me of The Green Man which used to be next to Boardmans in Claremont, just outside of Cavendish Square. Joel Stransky had a hand in that, and then it moved to its current spot, which might as well be in the depths of some gutter. It also changed it’s name to Tin Roof which has become the ridicule of Cape Town. People call it the Tin Dog, The Roof and “THAT muck place, I’m not ever going there again”, but every now and then you find yourself on a drunken evening, in there with your mates, who are at least 8 years older than the regular crew, and you party hard! Its got to do with the booze. Tin Roof is not a pretty sight when you are sober.

Many people have two speeds. Sober and trashed. When you are sober you can watch a DVD of Finding Neverland. When you are trashed, you can dream of a bad land and head to “Tinners” as it is also now affectionately called. That’s if we can mention “Affectionately” and an offshoot of the Tin Roof name in the same sentence. I don’t think we can do that. So we won’t do it again.

The only places to really keep their soul in Cape Town seem to be the old watering holes. It’s no big secret that I’m a big fan of Kelvin Grove, which is more of an institution than a club. If your parents were a member there, then you are no doubt also a member there.

Forres also comes to mind as one of those places that you go to, and your parents went to, and everyone knows everyone there. I often find myself knowing more old people there than people my age!

If Joel Stransky and Bob Skinstad can make clubs have such a cool vibe, I think it’s time more sports people open clubs! I’m keen for an awesome party.

Rather don’t let Andre Nel open a club though…we are looking for a place where sane people can chill out with a cold one.

Sean Lloyd

Editor

Due to the reach we have in Cape Town, we often hear stories. Some deserve mentions, others are too hectic to mention, and others are not worth mentioning. So it was with some serious interest that we are hearing reports of barmen at weddings actually coming right with the women AT these weddings! Obviously we cannot confirm this but we can say that we would not post this if it was not on good authority. It makes me want to pack away this writing thing and be a barman. FULL TIME!
So this brings up some interesting points for those at school or university, looking to make a bit of summer holiday money. To be honest, it is possibly the best way to make money. Working at a pub is mayhem as it is mostly drunk old guys(Keen to hang out with their wang out), and chaos as people rush to the bar, staring at you and waving R100 bills in the hope that it will make you serve them. You also get those weird girls falling in love with you, and they wait until closing time to see you. They then follow you home without you knowing. They find your address. Then one day…
At approximately 2:34am you hear a “Ting…ting…ting” on your rooms window, which faces the road. It’s this ballistic woman throwing little pebbles at your window, trying to wake you up. She gets your attention and says she wants to come in.

This is where a restraining order comes in handy. Obviously I’m making this up, either that or I heard it via “The grapevine” OBVIOUSLY this is not a real Cape Town story. Obviously this never happened to anyone.

It’s too crazy to be true isn’t it?

Right…where were we…oh yes…Weddings are a more casual affair(Ha ha! Affair…You like that?) than greasy pubs and you can literally pour drinks at your leisure, while scoping the reception for someone that is:

A) Single

B) Good looking

C) Tipsy

D) Horny

E) All of the above obviously

f) Dare I say this- Easy?

Imagine saying that your job comprises of serving alcohol(Sheer bliss) and attending functions where there is a possibility that you are going to get some decent action. Imagine being paid to do this, in between sleeping for four hours a day during so called “lectures” at UCT?

Imagine what sort of an excess lifestyle that would be? Could you get anything better at a young age? I’m sure you could, like winning the lottery, or NOT sleeping with Britney Spears, but that’s too unrealistic. I mean, realistically, all you guys out there, including myself, will sleep with Spit Me Beers some day. Probably sooner rather than later. If she does not kick the bucket before then. Which is a possibility. Quick boys sleep with her now!
While I cannot give you the name of the companies that these guys are working for, and where they come right, I can let you know of one of South Africa’s premier agencies that you can work for as a barman. It’s Liquid Chefs. I know of them because they have served me more times than I can remember at various shindigs in and around Cape Town( Kaap Stad of jy ken die boerewors curtain).

Obviously I’m not saying you will come right, or that anyone from Liquid Chefs has come right at a wedding, or that they promote this behaviour etc etc blah blah boring get the lawyers on it.

What I will say is that Liquid Chefs offer the best service at weddings(I know) and functions and I’m sure many blackouts on my behalf can be indirectly attributed to them. They are good. I’m sure they promote responsible drinking, but it’s not their fault people get blind drunk off their booze. It’s the weddings fault. Weddings have an aura about them that makes you want to take your kit off.

So for your very own chance of working in Cape Town as a barman(Is it barperson now?), earning some solid money, and exponentially increasing your chances of coming right at a wedding, where a fair amount of action is to be had due to many marriages being on the brink of meltdown, then click LIQUID CHEFS and apply for a job.

If you start to make decent money, and increase your score rate, there is no need to thank me.

Just keep me topped up at the next function you see me at and we’re all cool.

(Oh and if any Paris Hilton type videos get made at the reception, you know who to send them to. The usual address: seanl@slxs.co.za)

I’ll leave it at that. You know what to do. I have provided you with lemons. Now go make barrels of lemonade.

Sean Lloyd

Editor

It was about two or three weeks ago, on the weekend, when I nearly crashed my car. I was taking a leisurely drive around these Cape Town parts when something ANGERED me! It frustrated me!

It was a sign on a lamp post from one of the weekend papers and it said something like this:

Why leisure is bad for you

Angry that such a remark could be made, I set out to hunt that paper down and DESTROY it. So I bought the paper and immediately read it while still in the forecourt of the Shell petrol station next to Bishops school.

It then went on to say some rubbish about leisure being bad for you. It was mumbling on about how when you work during the year, and then take a sudden break at the end of the year, you get sick because it’s such a change to the body or something along those lines. I was not really interested because I knew it was rubbish and it was a cheap ploy to make the leisurely people of Cape Town buy the paper.

I obviously knew this was rubbish and I OBVIOUSLY knew the solution. One of the solutions is to not scare the body in any way by being leisurely all year round. That way we reverse the situation, and can confidently say that work is bad for you. That’s why people get stuck in dead end jobs, because they are too scared to leave in case their bodies explode.

In the same way, people who are clever live a life of leisure from the start, occupying their time with freelance “work”, but it’s more like freelance “partying”, and also spending time on the beach and in various clubs. They also have loads of time to think of great big ideas that will earn them obscene amounts of money. That’s leisure for you.

To prove that leisure will not harm you, just in case you are worrying, I will show you a few pictures to shatter and destroy the myth that chilling will cause total chaos in your body.

Here we go:

Case 1: Here we have some of the crew from Casa del Sandenbergh in Hout Bay. Currently they are whiling away their time in Maun which is in Botswana. They are just chilling there at their lodge, and I can confidently say that they are doing bugger all. The picture below is one of sheer joy as they spend their day floating in the water, hydrating on beer. It gets very hot up there and hydration is vital. Please notice the lack of a stressful vibe in the photo. Enjoy the peace and serenity. Enjoy that they have been there for some two months now, with no sign of a return.

Case 2: Here we have Jerry D sometime last week chillaxing at the Tropic of Capricorn. I have no idea where it is because I’m sure I failed Geography in school. I don’t know how he got there, but I can categorically state that by looking at the photo, there is absolutely no work to be done where he is! Never mind there not being an “office” there to do any “work”, there is actually nothing there. Like literally nothing but dry earth.

Case 3: Finally we have Charlie V, chilling on what could be described as a yacht. Just chilling in the summer sun. It’s probably off Clifton. Please once again notice the distinct lack of an “office” As you can see Charlie V is about to crack open another drink. Screams of “leisure” to me.

I will add here that not one of these people has shown any signs of sickness recently. Furthermore, they are the happiest people I know.

So once again I have to prove the local papers wrong with their poor journalism. I refuse to have a weekend paper ruining the whole leisure lifestyle for those who enjoy it.

I trust I have put your mind at ease here with my case study, and I trust that you will now allow me to take the rest of the day off.

Wicked.

Sean Lloyd

Editor 

If you are not sure who Elton’s Johnson is…um…I mean Elton John, he is that guy who is Godfather to a few famous kids, like the Beckhams or something. His little fits aside(Where he screams at people like Madonna), he seems to be a pretty decent performer and often let’s people stay at his pad. I think Liz Hurley stayed there when her kid was born, but I have not chatted to Liz in a while, so I can’t confirm that.

The Johnmeister will be playing at the Newlands Stadium(Sahara Park Newlands if the advertisers insist) on Sunday 13th of January 2008. That’s right, it’s this Sunday!

Due to the people who live nearby, I offer you this bit of insight. I remember last time there was a concert of sorts at Newlands, all the usual suspects complained. The people who have no lives and have nothing better to do than to write “strongly worded” letters to The Tatler in between cucumber sandwiches, tea, and games of lazy tennis at Kelvin Grove. So be warned, Elton John is going to be rocking out, and there is nothing you can do about it.

Campground Road will be closed between Mariendahl and Palmyra Roads from 15:00 on the 13th of January 2008. The road will re-open at 23:00, so don’t stress. Elton John will be performing his hits between 20:00 and 22:30 on Sunday the 13th of January 2008.

If there is something really bothering you, and you want to make a scene, which you should not, you can contact John Langford at BIG Concerts at 0825613541.

I trust that it will be unnecessary to call him. If you are young and living near Newlands, you won’t even have to go to Newlands to impress your other half! Although he/she will think you are cheap if they realise you are sitting in the garden listening to Elton John, instead of spending money on a ticket.

Just say “Oh babe I never even knew he was playing! I have been dragging bags of rice up a hill to feed the starving kids for the past few weeks, I’m so out of touch with Cape Town”

If he/ she replies, “But I have seen you every day” you just say “Yeah, and what do you think I’m doing when I’m not with you?”

Problem solved.

You can chill in your garden while Elton John belts out Candle In The Wind.

You can pour another glass of red as the newborn kittens play in the grass. You can toast to a life of excess. You can get tipsy. You can get frisky. You can thank Elton John for coming right that night. You can nibble her ear. She can stroke your six pack.

Thank you Elton John. Sweet dreams…

Click ELTON JOHN to book at Computicket.

Sean Lloyd

Editor

It seems that we are only just getting into the festivities of summer when…BOOM…the invites to weddings start throwing themselves at us. Having already attended two summer weddings in the past two weeks, I think it’s necessary that I give you some tips for making weddings successful. Cape Town wedding season is currently having a good go at my body! Here we go!

Don’t act desperately single
I think this goes without saying but it’s necessary to point it out. There is nothing worse than seeing someone, broken out of their tree on the free booze, sitting miserably in the corner wishing a light would shine down from heaven and deliver them an angel. You need to be confident in your single status. You are not at wedding to play the game, you are there to BE the game. Loads of people there will either be married or in relationships. Which is great because it narrows down your options. It’s nice to be spoiled for choice, but sometimes it clouds the mind.

Don’t get emotionally drunk

Weddings are emotional enough if you are single. Seeing all these happy couples is bound to turn you into a train wreck. You will no doubt be thinking “Oh my God, I’m actually going to be single for the rest of my life” Add in a few drinks and you will have visions of yourself in a couple years time, a bottle of red wine(By this stage you will be over drinking out of a glass) in hand watching entire seasons of Friends by yourself in the hope that you meet someone and life will be happy like it is on TV.

Mingle with the crowd

So don’t get there and immediately be overwhelmed with feelings of loneliness that you believe only the open bar can cure. Go chat to friends you know, and more specifically chat to the older people. Go tell Bertha the granny that her dress looks beautiful. She will laugh, and all the single girls will notice you and the fact that you are not afraid to chat to the older crowd. In their heads they will probably be thinking “Oh my God! If I married him, he would still treat me like that when I’m an old woman and have lost these exquisite breasts”

If you are not that keen on settling down immediately, it’s probably best to avoid chatting to any of the kids of friends you know, even if to just be polite. Avoid it. This will no doubt see you surrounded by stage 5 clingers, those girls who see you as the father of their children. They will have already chosen the names of your first three kids and will soon be asking your opinion on the naming of the next three kids.

If this does happen you might want to opt for a sneaky exit. However, these girls are often tricky to dodge, because as you are running out of the wedding, you will hear a high pitched shriek, ala Wedding Crashers “Don’t ever leave me, because I’ll find you!”

Don’t dress your age

This may seem odd, but it works. If you are older, try wearing something like a linen jacket with a Caribbean floral printed shirt underneath and a crisp pair of dark blue denims. It shows that you are young at heart but because of your age you are a gentleman. If you are young however, dress a bit older. That way, girls know that you still have a rippling six pack, are fun and carefree, but know the old school rules of treating a lady right. You know…opening car doors for chicks and all that shit.

For the last wedding I went to, I took it right back to the Hollywood film star of old. I punished it to the max. I wore black pants, coupled with a white shirt with grey stripes and a grey waistcoat. I topped it off with a Michel Herbelin Meharee watch, because anything big and over the top screams of young and trendy. Remember, you are going for the old school look. Michel Herbelin is for the individual, and the Meharee is the perfect dress watch. I finished the package off with a side parting to put Leo di Caprio to shame. I was sporting the look! See below for what it is that people were staring at on the day:

Go ahead, don’t be shy. Looking is for free, but touching is gonna cost you something. 

Be the last to get married

If I ever had to trade in my current lifestyle for something more sedate(Ha! Hilarious!) I would only get married, or only have a serious relationship once all my friends have been tied down. Because I WANT to be single at weddings. There is nothing better than a bit of a boom boom with the bridesmaids.

You need to be careful though, because no doubt when close family are getting married, there are bound to be friends of your parents there. And they are bound to have smoking hot daughters who look so much older than they are. And you are bound to try chat them up(Or drunkenly stare at them), and you are bound to get disapproving stares from the parents. Look, I’m obviously talking in generalities here. It’s something I heard via the “grapevine” as my folks used to like to say.

Arrive last, leave first

Always be the last to arrive at the church, that way you avoid sitting in a hot church in summer, making small talk with the old people who you don’t recognise, but they somehow recognise you.

“I remember when you were this big!” They say, motioning to a height at about the centre of your shins.

And be the first to leave after the ceremony. You want to make sure that you arrive at the reception first so you can get first choice on the snacks being passed around, and you can drink champagne to your hearts content.

I arrived on Saturday and shotgunned four glasses of champagne almost immediately, setting me up for a day of debaucherous proportions.

Avoid saying things too loudly

This applies when you are at the reception and chilling with people that maybe you don’t know too well. I was tempted to say the other day at the wedding “Who is that belter?” to someone. Luckily I didn’t because I later found out it was his sister. Rather keep these thoughts in your head.

Get messy

The wedding ceremony is for the bride and groom. The reception however is a free for all, and is designed to give the single people a bit of joy and happiness in their lives. While all the couples leave early, it is the singles who party like animals. I stayed until 3:30am on Saturday, and left with no pants on. I had been playing nicely in the jacuzzi in my boxer shorts, and could not put my suit pants back on in that state(Don’t stress, I wasn’t driving)

Weddings are just an excuse to have a party, so drink and eat as much as is physically possible. It’s a time to celebrate, and drinking and eating are signs of celebration.

Prepare for a hangover

Don’t plant a run or a cycle for the morning after a wedding, even if you say “No I’m not going to get too smashed” Because you will. And you will not feel good in the morning. Missing a training session for the Argus Cycle Tour or the Two Oceans Marathon will not kill you. Running with a bottle of Jack being processed by your liver might kill you though. At the very least you will pass out.

I hope this small selection of tips makes your Cape Town wedding season a successful one. Mine is going great, and as I learn more this summer, I will definitely keep you posted on any more inside scoop I have on making wedding season one of debauchery.

Sean Lloyd

Editor 

While I was baking my gladiator body at Clifton yesterday, I thought back to the Red Bull cars I had seen earlier in the day. I’m always amazed that Red Bull manage to find such smoking hot promotion girls to drive those cars around Cape Town all day while checking themselves in the mirror to see that they are still looking completely over the top hot. You have all seen the Red Bull promotion cars. The ones with the big Red Bull can on the back and the big jugs up front. They don’t emit that petrol or oil or pollution smell. No, not even CO2. It’s pure teenage desire burning out the exhaust.

Why is there a guy driving this Mini? 

You can be sure that if you date a Red Bull promotion girl that the stars and the planets have aligned in your life. I remember one day at college we were given Red Bulls by these promotion girls. The combination of their looks and the Red Bull had me smacking down the pleat in my pants.

Can you get pleats in short cargo pants?

This thought linked in with another article I had planned to write a while back when one of the SLXS girls bought herself a Mini Cooper(Which, when she goes on holiday, I will drive INTO the ground) It just kind of occurred to me that every girl in Cape Town that drives a Mini Cooper is a serious piece of artwork. Van Gogh had donkeys bollocks on these art works. The girls driving Mini Coopers look perfectly finished off and would be a fine addition to my home.

Look around next time you are in Cape Town and see if you can spot a girl that is NOT a ten driving a Mini Cooper. If she is a 9 let it slide, she is allowed to drive it. If she is an 8 tell her to give me a house call. If you are a friend of mine and your girlfriend drives a Mini…I could be in a spot of trouble!

And God forbid if she is a 7 or lower. Highjack her car and tell her that you are more deserving of it.

SLXS declare that ONLY hot women will drive Mini Coopers in Cape Town. Hey…I don’t make the rules. It’s just that to keep the continuity of smoking hot girls driving Mini Coopers in Cape Town, we need to keep the standards high.

And it’s a foolproof way of judging if a girl is hot when you have your beer goggles on. Just say “So what car do you drive?”

If she replies “A Mini Cooper S” then you are sorted! She is a keeper. And she will probably have loads of cash floating around in the bank so this means you can quit studying/working that lame bar job/ stealing money from your parents and quietly move into her loft apartment.

You might want to cut your losses if she says a Datsun though…

Sean Lloyd

Editor

I was at a wedding the other day and noticed someone wearing a very old school pair of sunglasses, but super old school in fact! Trust me, ex- models know what is good in fashion. I never quite knew what to make of it until I was browsing through the internet(Oh yeah! I have internet!) and noticed a trend emerging. We can now safely predict that anyone who reads any fashion magazine or follows any trend in Cape Town will be wearing these sunglasses very soon. Cape Town loves trends, and not too long ago it was the Gucci, Dior and whoever else trend where sunglasses had to be huge. Some guys went overboard on the craze and started to resemble women themselves. Take it easy guys, just because it’s in a magazine or on the internet does not mean that it will suit you.

It did make for a very sexy bunch of girls in Cape Town. Just as long as there is nothing to hide behind those shades darling.

Anyway, the new trend is away from the whole sci-fi look and more into the old school film star look. The celebrity of old. Picture Jack Nicholson wearing a pair of these bad boys. Or here I will offer you a picture of what chicks dig; Brad Pitt:

Four minutes after punishing Angelina.

Also enjoy these limited edition bad boys:

Those are from Oakley and were a limited edition, and they are all already sold out on their online store(Click OAKLEY OLD SCHOOL for the shindig). When stuff like this sells out it makes it more exclusive, and people will be hunting them down. This opens up the market to everyone making these style of sunglasses. So expect the trend to come and go, as trends do.

I can just see every “celebrity” at this years J&B Met wearing them.

The best ones are made by Tom Ford and Ray Ban.

Expect Spitfire to start manufacturing poor quality versions of them very soon!

Now you know. Now you’re informed. Now I can go chill out at Forres.

The Ray Ban Wayfarers retail for R1725(ZAR) at Mellin Optomerists in Canal Walk, Cape Town. But any Ray Ban dealership in Cape Town such as Occhiali should stock them if they know what is good for their bank balance. For Cape Towns elite, the Tom Ford “Cary” retail for about R5000, according to GQ South Africa.

Sean Lloyd

Editor

The King is back in the building! Sorry for my extended hiatus, but I was giving birth to another two children. Don’t worry…I already sold them on the black market so they won’t interfere with our reader/editor relationship, which I might add, is getting quite heated at times.

Quick little recap on what’s been happening. As I said please for the love of all things good on this planet go to Ignite in Camps Bay on Sundays to pretty much be at the centre of a talent show. Brings vast quantities of money and try and smell like teenage desire. Needless to say you cannot just bring your A game to Ignite, on a Sunday night and come right. You need to BE the game. I was chatting with some guys from the UK, and they nodded in agreement to each other that Cape Town has the hottest girls in the world. The UK is alright but pasty skin and yellow teeth does not get my sexual wheel turning. If it gets you hot and bothered…then that’s cool…I’m not judging. I’m not angry with you. Just disappointed…

However, tanned skin, ice white teeth and those tiny brazilian bikinis the girls like to wear in Cape Town are just the ticket.

I also went to Clifton yesterday for a bit, and the talent there is vast. Never a dull moment as the most delicious looking people strolled past me, not even bothering to give me a second look.

Do you know who I am?

Neighbourhood in Long Street last night was great, and once again, the women in attendance were way over the top in the looks department. Someone said to me, while I was drooling over some bazookas, “Buddy, they are out of your league” I smirked, downed my beer, and casually said “Buddy, I AM the league” and walked off.

I’ll show them!

I ordered the vegetable nachos for R36 and it ended up feeding three of us. It’s so good once it hits your lips! No really…get the nachos and let me know what you think.

Other than that I have too much to write. Like serious amounts. I also need to write something on the new Springbok coach, but that might be published elsewhere in order to expand the ever growing SLXS empire, which we all call home.

I’m so tired right now, it’s 00:25 and it’s been a long day of fun and sun.

I will try not neglect you like this again. I know some of you went into moderate to serious bouts of depression while I was gone. It’s fine now…I’m back…Put down the bottle of Jack, take Dr Phil off speed dial and stop thinking “Oh well at least Britney is worse off than me”

It’s alright, I’m here to hold you. Whisper sweet nothings. Cuddle you.

Tear those clothes off with my teeth…

Wait I’m taking it too far.

I’m going to go to bed(Alone) but I’m thinking of you.

Because there are always dreams to be had.

Hush…

Sean Lloyd

Editor