It’s interesting that I wrote in my James Blunt/ Celine Dion post that many people will cry when listening to their music. It’s only natural that you have a good cry from time to time, but there are times when you want to cry, or even want to fake a cry, and you should not be doing it. To help you along in life I compiled this little list of when it is appropriate to cry and when it is not ideal to cry. Obviously as the list grows we will write new pieces on this. I continue to amaze:
WHEN TO CRY:
When you win the lottery:
This is worth a cry, because it will be your last cry. Trust me. Try crying when you are surrounded by chicks, drinking champagne in the jacuzzi on the balcony of your Bantry Bay house after which you will dry yourself off with R500 notes. It’s impossible to cry in this situation, so when you win the lottery just let the tears flow. Then wipe your eyes and know that that is the last time you will ever cry. Great! Bliss!
When her dog dies:
For the love of everything peaceful in this world, show some sympathy when a girls dog dies. Everyone gets upset when their animals die, but not all guys go so far as to cry even if they really do miss their dog and it was the only thing on earth that they could trust.
But when a girls animal dies, just CRY! Seriously, no questions asked, just do it. I’m sure there have been many times when I have been called an insensitive bastard who deserves to die just because some tears did not appear from my eyes when an animal passed away. I think I have even been told that I have no feelings, a heart of stone and that I am colder than dry ice. And that I deserve to die lonely. And also that I deserve to die. Lonely. Lonely. Die. Die. Lonely.
Seriously, that’s how bad it will get if you don’t cry and you don’t want to experience it. Take my wise words and you will not regret it.
When Leo dies in Titanic:
It’s universally accepted that everyone cries in this scene. You probably cried the whole movie, knowing that Leo will die! Also, if you are with your other half and you don’t cry, she will think that you have no feelings and that you are just in the relationship for action, and that in health you will be with her, but in sickness you will leave her. You might also be called an insensitive bastard who deserves to die lonely. True story.
Cry in The Notebook:
Any movie like this deserves a few tears to be shed. If you don’t you get the usual crap about being insensitive and that you are cold and that you deserve to die. So shed a couple of tears for the sake of not getting kicked in the head later. And possibly losing your girlfriend.
When you get kicked in the jewels:
If you don’t cry here there will forever be speculation that you are a girl. You don’t want that. Even if you splash some Energade (Even if it’s blue) on your eyes, make sure some sort of water exits your eyes. Although this should not be necessary. Although most times when people kick me there(Often), they break their entire leg. You see mine is gold because I lost it in an unfortunate shmelting accident when I was the PA to Austin Powers Fajer! They end up crying. I just laugh. Then go for a 10km run. And eat a steak. Bloody. Off the animal.
WHEN NOT TO CRY:
When your plane is going down:
You see, when your airplane is going to crash you never really know if it will make contact with the ground as pilots have been known to do some miraculous things, such as landing planes with one engine like our Nationwide boys. If you start crying in order to try hook up with the girl next to you before you die, you are making a mistake.
Girls are not going to join The Mile High Club with some sobbing little girly man sitting next to them. They want to know that their last time was with a real adventurer, a real tough guy. Like Chuck Norris or McGuyver. They don’t want their last time to be with someone who resembles a 4 year old girl whose Barbie doll has just been eaten by the dog.
If you keep your cool, you will definitely score. Girls dig a guy that can look death in the eye, laugh at it and then get his game on as the plane is about to crash. Plus, the chances are the pilot will do some sort of acrobatic maneuver and save everyone anyway. Trust me, the LAST thing you want in your life is for you to not to die, because then those tears will be a real waste. The girl won’t even give you a second look as she exits the plane and walks into the distance, leaving you with fake tears in your eyes.
If you don’t cry though you will be hopping into a chauffeur driven BMW 750i while the driver(Whose name will be Barton) leaves you two in peace while the champagne spills everywhere.
When you are with the brandy and coke crew:
These guys do not cry, even if Tom Cruise pays their house a call. Tom Cruise is enough to make me an utter wreck because he is so bizarre, but not these guys. Don’t show any feeling around these guys because you will probably be kicked. HARD. In the head. Don’t even look at your watch to check the time. These guys are not interested in time. If I had to wear my gold and silver watch around these guys, I would be kicked. In the head. HARD.
Crying would almost certainly result in death via boot. To the head. HARD.
When a lady beetle drowns in the dogs water bowl:
Enough said.
When Joost and Amor appear on the cover of YOU magazine:
If you had to cry everytime this happened, you would dehydrate. No jokes.
When Jack Bauer DESTROYS someone:
Once again, dehydration would kill you after one episode.
I know this is a very short list, but it’s a start. Everything starts with something small. Look at SLXS when we started. Look at us now. Look at YOU now! Damn it you look good!
Wow that’s nice. Shoo…Is that La Senza? Did I buy that for you? Rad.
Sean Lloyd
Editor
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