It seems that we are only just getting into the festivities of summer when…BOOM…the invites to weddings start throwing themselves at us. Having already attended two summer weddings in the past two weeks, I think it’s necessary that I give you some tips for making weddings successful. Cape Town wedding season is currently having a good go at my body! Here we go!
Don’t act desperately single
I think this goes without saying but it’s necessary to point it out. There is nothing worse than seeing someone, broken out of their tree on the free booze, sitting miserably in the corner wishing a light would shine down from heaven and deliver them an angel. You need to be confident in your single status. You are not at wedding to play the game, you are there to BE the game. Loads of people there will either be married or in relationships. Which is great because it narrows down your options. It’s nice to be spoiled for choice, but sometimes it clouds the mind.
Don’t get emotionally drunk
Weddings are emotional enough if you are single. Seeing all these happy couples is bound to turn you into a train wreck. You will no doubt be thinking “Oh my God, I’m actually going to be single for the rest of my life” Add in a few drinks and you will have visions of yourself in a couple years time, a bottle of red wine(By this stage you will be over drinking out of a glass) in hand watching entire seasons of Friends by yourself in the hope that you meet someone and life will be happy like it is on TV.
Mingle with the crowd
So don’t get there and immediately be overwhelmed with feelings of loneliness that you believe only the open bar can cure. Go chat to friends you know, and more specifically chat to the older people. Go tell Bertha the granny that her dress looks beautiful. She will laugh, and all the single girls will notice you and the fact that you are not afraid to chat to the older crowd. In their heads they will probably be thinking “Oh my God! If I married him, he would still treat me like that when I’m an old woman and have lost these exquisite breasts”
If you are not that keen on settling down immediately, it’s probably best to avoid chatting to any of the kids of friends you know, even if to just be polite. Avoid it. This will no doubt see you surrounded by stage 5 clingers, those girls who see you as the father of their children. They will have already chosen the names of your first three kids and will soon be asking your opinion on the naming of the next three kids.
If this does happen you might want to opt for a sneaky exit. However, these girls are often tricky to dodge, because as you are running out of the wedding, you will hear a high pitched shriek, ala Wedding Crashers “Don’t ever leave me, because I’ll find you!”
Don’t dress your age
This may seem odd, but it works. If you are older, try wearing something like a linen jacket with a Caribbean floral printed shirt underneath and a crisp pair of dark blue denims. It shows that you are young at heart but because of your age you are a gentleman. If you are young however, dress a bit older. That way, girls know that you still have a rippling six pack, are fun and carefree, but know the old school rules of treating a lady right. You know…opening car doors for chicks and all that shit.
For the last wedding I went to, I took it right back to the Hollywood film star of old. I punished it to the max. I wore black pants, coupled with a white shirt with grey stripes and a grey waistcoat. I topped it off with a Michel Herbelin Meharee watch, because anything big and over the top screams of young and trendy. Remember, you are going for the old school look. Michel Herbelin is for the individual, and the Meharee is the perfect dress watch. I finished the package off with a side parting to put Leo di Caprio to shame. I was sporting the look! See below for what it is that people were staring at on the day:
Go ahead, don’t be shy. Looking is for free, but touching is gonna cost you something.
Be the last to get married
If I ever had to trade in my current lifestyle for something more sedate(Ha! Hilarious!) I would only get married, or only have a serious relationship once all my friends have been tied down. Because I WANT to be single at weddings. There is nothing better than a bit of a boom boom with the bridesmaids.
You need to be careful though, because no doubt when close family are getting married, there are bound to be friends of your parents there. And they are bound to have smoking hot daughters who look so much older than they are. And you are bound to try chat them up(Or drunkenly stare at them), and you are bound to get disapproving stares from the parents. Look, I’m obviously talking in generalities here. It’s something I heard via the “grapevine” as my folks used to like to say.
Arrive last, leave first
Always be the last to arrive at the church, that way you avoid sitting in a hot church in summer, making small talk with the old people who you don’t recognise, but they somehow recognise you.
“I remember when you were this big!” They say, motioning to a height at about the centre of your shins.
And be the first to leave after the ceremony. You want to make sure that you arrive at the reception first so you can get first choice on the snacks being passed around, and you can drink champagne to your hearts content.
I arrived on Saturday and shotgunned four glasses of champagne almost immediately, setting me up for a day of debaucherous proportions.
Avoid saying things too loudly
This applies when you are at the reception and chilling with people that maybe you don’t know too well. I was tempted to say the other day at the wedding “Who is that belter?” to someone. Luckily I didn’t because I later found out it was his sister. Rather keep these thoughts in your head.
Get messy
The wedding ceremony is for the bride and groom. The reception however is a free for all, and is designed to give the single people a bit of joy and happiness in their lives. While all the couples leave early, it is the singles who party like animals. I stayed until 3:30am on Saturday, and left with no pants on. I had been playing nicely in the jacuzzi in my boxer shorts, and could not put my suit pants back on in that state(Don’t stress, I wasn’t driving)
Weddings are just an excuse to have a party, so drink and eat as much as is physically possible. It’s a time to celebrate, and drinking and eating are signs of celebration.
Prepare for a hangover
Don’t plant a run or a cycle for the morning after a wedding, even if you say “No I’m not going to get too smashed” Because you will. And you will not feel good in the morning. Missing a training session for the Argus Cycle Tour or the Two Oceans Marathon will not kill you. Running with a bottle of Jack being processed by your liver might kill you though. At the very least you will pass out.
I hope this small selection of tips makes your Cape Town wedding season a successful one. Mine is going great, and as I learn more this summer, I will definitely keep you posted on any more inside scoop I have on making wedding season one of debauchery.
Sean Lloyd
Editor
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