I spent a decent part of my life trying to be intellectual all the time, trying to make a meaningful contribution to conversations. Then I cruised into high school and met the craziest bunch of people of my life. We literally took everything as a joke and everything we said was sarcastic. I don’t recall a day at school where I actually bothered to be serious. And that is how I came to live this life: Through a network of friends that will probably laugh at me if I fall over and break something, and only then help me up. But I would do the same in return, so it’s all fair.
That brings us to the section of the Misverstand Diaries where we just clowned around, literally the entire time! Between wake boarding, skiing, knee boarding, tubing and putting on SPF 500 we managed to break all the rules. Because that what we like to do; break the law!
It was quite a natural and serene setting we found ourselves in, which was naturally broken once we arrived. This might have us banned from attending in future, but you only live once, so max everything out. Which is what we do. I remember the one morning, the peacocks had come to our door looking for food. I took one look at the beer in my hand and said to this bird:
“Not a %&#$ buddy! Go drink at the dam.” I said, SCOLDING the bird.
Brendon, being a more upstanding member of society took to the kinder side of his heart, and crumbled up his bread, and fed it gently to the birds. For a moment I looked at the birds, in their natural setting, and realised that man and beast can work as one. As a harmonious team. It nearly brought a tear to my eye. It was then that I realised that this was a new side to me. The sensitive side that will cry when a butterfly dies, or shed a tear for the bee that drowned in the dogs water bowl.
Brendon: Sensitive
But I realised everything I am based on, and everything I have lived for my entire life, has been based on having a laugh and at times being mean in order to be funny. Realising that I hated the new sensitive Sean, I downed my early morning beer and slammed the bottle on the table, FURIOUS that I had two sides. I don’t want a sensitive and a daring side. I want one side. I don’t want to be schizho. I’m not like a piece of paper; there is only one side to this story, and it’s the devilish side. With my beer now fallen over, I took a run up from inside the house to fool the birds.
The poor bastards would never have seen me coming. I shot out the door like a rabid cheetah and bounded past Brendon who was shocked at my sudden arrival. I leaped and start frog hopping after these little buggers, determined to give them a good run. All they had done the entire time was eat our bread and walk around. And we all know that leads to weight gain. I didn’t want fat peacocks around. So I took them for a run. As captured by this action shot, I’m the best personal trainer around.
Anyway, I heard one of the birds chirping me:
“Hey Sean why you so skinny? Eat something. Oh look you have Wednesday legs” The bird said.
“What did you say?” I replied, snarling my top lip.
“I said you have Wednesday legs. As in ‘When’s dey gonna break!’ Ha ha ha! ”
“Well done bird, so you think you funny? You think you are suddenly Mr Ricky Gervais?”
“Yes I do”
“Listen bird. I’m human. I have the keys to a 4.0L Jeep Wrangler and it will mangle you. I will literally drive you into the ground. Don’t mess with the bull young bird, because you’ll get the horns”
“Try me” The bird replied back.
With that I casually walked inside.
“Charlie give me the keys to the Jeep. Now.”
“Why?” Charlie enquired.
“Because I said so”
At that Charlie threw the keys like a boomerang, and the keys swung into my hand. I fired the engine up, and two minutes later the last thing the bird saw going through it’s mind was a massive tyre.
Bird: Trashed
“How you like them tyres?” I said to the bird.
It never replied.
After the fury the bird caused me I wanted to break more rules. The first rule to actually breaking rules is to find the rules in the first place. We found a little sign saying “No stone throwing” We looked for not a stone, but a rock, and threw it. Funny enough no one bothered stopping us.
Breaking the law! Breaking the law!
We literally set the place on fire(Figuratively…in a literal way…whatever…) with our wicked witty styles. Naturally after punishing one bird, the others never learned their lesson and we did not want to have to take the Jeep out again. So I recruited something more bio-friendly. Yeah…I used one of the cats that had been bouncing around all nimbly bimbly from tree to tree, drinking milk out of a saucer and eating mice. I set it upon the peacocks.
Four birds. One puss. No boots. No mayhem.
Unfortunately it was too lazy and did bugger all.
Do I have to do everything around here? I realised that we had spent too much time with these birds and just decided to leave them to their own devices.
They have no idea what life is about. Especially the language barriers encountered in this area…
(P.S Naturally no bird was actually harmed in the making of this fine piece of literature. The bird in picture was already dead when we arrived. So before you go all PETA and SPCA on me, chill out…I’m not that mean!)
Sean Lloyd
Editor
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