“Sweet mother of God” I commented to myself as I piloted the VR3 through the pristine landscape of Stellenbosch. The comment came in reference to the number of places that I was passing that were somehow involved in the manufacture of alcoholic beverages. I had seen Distell, J.C Le Roux, Van Ryn’s brandy, Welmoed and a whole host of other places manufacturing pure goodness from the earth. In fact, Van Ryn’s brandy and J.C Le Roux fall under the Distell brand. Distell must be laughing, knowing that they can get the whole of Cape Town pissed at any time if that’s what they wish to do. Cool party trick.
“It’s…it’s…it’s beautiful!” I said out loud as I removed my sunglasses, fluttering my eyelids as though I had just seen the light in life.
This place was too good to be true, and although I had been to Stellenbosch many times before, I had forgotten the beauty of what actually brings the big bucks into Stellenbosch. I eventually arrived at Jerry’s place, not really that amped to move all his possessions out of his place. I arrived, and we transferred into his car, The Black Viper.
” Fo shizzle dizzle, it’s the big Neptizzle, with the snoopy dee- oh double gizzle” Was blearing over the speakers in the Black Viper, replacement for The Bomber.
“Jerry this is SICK” I commented.
“I know” Jerry remarked, with a smirk on his face. There we were, two white English guys, cruising through an Afrikaans area, listening to everyones hero, none other than Snoop Dogg, who we all know but remember him from Old School. The contrasts were too much, but that’s what makes it so awesome!
We were in the area to move Jerry’s possessions into the new place, and we planned to do it ourselves. However, as we are men of leisure and pleasure, it did not quite turn out this way.
I arrived there and nearly had cardiac arrest looking at all the possessions of Jerry’s. It is astounding that someone who lives on his own can actually own so much. For the love of Gisele, he had a fan in his room the size of the Royal Astoria. Not to mention enough electronics to kill an army. From mixing decks to the 73cm flat screen to the X-Box and enough cellphone boxes to connect the whole of Africa. Jerry literally changes phones while he is speaking, it’s bizarre.
So we started packing all this stuff into boxes, not really taking care as to what was being broken or not. If anything broke, Jerry told me not to worry as we would just buy new stuff. I like the mans style. I was a little nervous when Jerry started shoving the TV into the box, literally hitting the top of it so that it would fit into the styrofoam that it came in. I have never hit anything as hard as Jerry hit that TV. It was glorious.
After packing all this in the boxes, it was time to pack it on the trailer and drop it at the new pad. Before that though we visited the petrol station, which was right below Jerry’s old place.
The view of BP Express and McHealthy from the old palace
I must just let you know that the talent walking around Stellenbosch is astounding. And due to the relaxed nature out there, minimal clothing is needed. It’s clear the people in Stellenbosch like nothing more than to have some sex. If you walk into a normal petrol station, you will usually find condoms, maybe behind the till. And then, there will be a small selection. Mother of Durex, the range at this petrol station was like a pharmacy of every condom ever made by Durex. And it was not behind the till, it was just chilling on the counter where you paid. Chilling there basically saying “You know you need me”
We then rolled to the new palace and realised that carrying all this stuff up to the third floor with no lift was not going to be fun.
“Call those guys over there” Jerry said, referring to some workers on a lunch break at the construction site.
“Hey guys you keen to earn some cash?”
They were up in a flash and walked out on their lunch to help us out. They had the trailer cleared of everything and had taken it three floors up to the new palace of excess. R100 for 6 minutes work was not too bad for the guys.
We rolled back to the old place and realised that we were not born to do stuff like this, rather we were born to party! We whipped out the decks and Jerry mixed it up while I smashed out a bit of soccer on the X-Box. That was more our style.
“I’m actually beat” Jerry said to me, after spinning the decks.
“Me too” I said after playing the X-Box
Just another day in the office for us
We then decided that we could probably move all the stuff out the apartment if we REALLY set our minds to it. As we said though we were born to party. A quick call was made to the removal company and BANG, everything was out of the apartment without us having to actually move from the perch on the balcony.
“These guys are quick, they stormed this place like it was Normandy!” I said to Jerry
“Yeah well for the money I’m paying them I’m expecting them to build me a new house as well”
“True. True.”
While they did their thing, we took the Viper out for a spin.
“Check this guys car” Jerry said, motioning to his right hand side.
“Ha he must be POOR!” I remarked sarcastically.
“Check this out”
Jerry began to wind down his window, and said to the guy in his panty dropping Mercedes AMG
“You must come right with that car!”
The guy looked at us, gave a smile and floored the accelerator, leaving us to eat pieces of tar as he drove off into the distance and into the heart of the Stellenbosch dream.
Interesting things are be seen in Stellenbosch, and we had out fair share of visual delights. One such thing was a car with the logo “The Bonsai Guy” It said that you can hire Bonsai trees for special occasions. Um…ok. I have always actually had a fetish for hiring Bonsai trees to make special occasions even more “special”. I guess each to their own. Some people just hire strippers. Naturally. Other interesting things to be seen:
This beauties orange Land Cruiser:
And this hero’s motorbike, with a luminous yellow windshield vibe thing. I mean come on! Are you serious? It was outrageous.
No surely not?
We stepped out the Black Viper in an absolute blaze of glory, and noticed to our left hand side a Fidelity cash van, no doubt carrying loads of cash.
“We should rob it” Jerry said
“We should, there is some good cash to be made. Obviously after I remove 100 bullets from my frame” I smirked
“No seriously we should do it. I can tie the guys up with the tape we just bought”
“Yeah and they not going to resist idiot?”
“Lloyd you idiot, I figured this out already. You’re eating peri peri cashew nuts. Throw them in the guys eyes, I will tape them up and we can make some money right now”
“I’m not sure, it sounds a little dodgy”
“Yeah I suppose”
We rolled back to the pad and everything had been emptied, and we were off to the new place. I cracked open a Just Juice(Jus Jooce), and admired how hard we had worked. It was then that I remembered Jerry’s birthday party at the old pad earlier in the year.
We were on the balcony having Jager bombs when we saw this women, about 50 years old, and started chatting to her, telling her to come upstairs for a drink. She was laughing but seemed like she would have been keen. It all went downhill from there as we all started to act like we really wanted her. My shirt lifted and I remember tweaking my nipples or something. At this pointed I was tempted to shout “Got MILF!” I never did though.
But I’m sure the new place will also have it’s parties where new memories will be made, new drinks drunk and we will surely take the excess to a new level.
Look I should go now before I divulge too many details about what happened that night…
Sean Lloyd
Editor
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