Before I officially sign out for the weekend, there are a few things that need to be spoken about.

Yesterday was a public holiday, for Womens day. And it seems that the entire of Cape Town has taken the Friday off too! This is quite normal in a city where there are too many awesome things to do when the weather is nice. However, today the weather is not nice. And still people are taking the day off. Where are they? Oh I will tell you. They are acting like mall rats and arbitrarily strolling around shopping centres such as Cavendish Square in Claremont!

I was there a little earlier in the day and it is complete chaos. I hate it when people have nothing to do and then decided to just stroll around shopping centres, with absolutely no aim and direction. Get a life! I went to Cavendish to visit the pharmacy where I was going to get the weekend essentials like Badger Milk and Beaver Tranquilizers.

But seriously, drop the hippy act of “Life is so chilled, let’s stroll through Cavendish dude!” If you go to a “Shopping” Centre, then shop! Don’t get in my way in your stupid Prada coat and your Louis Vuitton this and your Gucci that. I don’t care that you have all this money to spend on fashion, and that you are now showing it off in a shopping centre. Do something useful for a change. And stop walking so slowly and pouting, I actually don’t have all day to walk behind you and your entourage(It is only a capital “C” when referring to the SLXS entourage) of “fashionistas” waiting for you to give me some space in the walkway to slip through.

I bought this killer new deodorant, which I have to tell you about. I got it at Dis-Chem, the SLXS pharmacy of choice in Cape Town. You will want this deodorant. I was the first one on this deodorant in this country I believe! I even have the e-mail to confirm this. My greatness is beyond belief! I think I will start a new trend with this deodorant, and I will be the face of it. Yes I will.

I also stocked up on McNab’s energy tablets(Review and details to come in the new week) and Gaviscon because I know I wil get heartburn at some point this weekend.

I also have a phone review for next week, on the Motorola Rizr.

Very exciting! I know you are all wanting to read the phone review now, but I don’t have time to write it.

You see, I have managed to score an invite to the Cosmopolitan Lingerie after party tonight! Can you believe it? Me neither!

It should be filled with the best looking, most preppy, self conscious, salad eating people on the planet. Wooooo hoooooo! I’m joking.

I will write up on that in the new week as well. I kind of wish it was Monday, so I could tell you all of this stuff. I bet you wish it was Monday as well. Except for that little thing called “Work” that commences again on Monday. It could be “Ork” I’m not sure, it might be a silent “W”.

Enjoy the weekend, I know I’m going to.

Sean Lloyd

Editor 

I was just searching for “Roosevelt Bliss party” on Google, and was wondering if  I would find anything else on it. Quite interesting that my write up was second on the listings! Sweet!

Granted, I’m probably the only person who wrote on it, but that’s what makes us so unique!

Where else would you read about that party?

Only here. Only here.

I’m going to sit in front of my computer now and write something else that is actually quite great. Well I think so at least.

It’s Friday, the weekend is already here unless of course you are in an “office” Then the weekend starts at 5pm, plus the traffic so the weekend will start tonight.

Enjoy it.

Sean Lloyd

Editor 

If you are thinking of something to do this weekend, there is the Cosmopolitan Lingerie party and then if I am correct, the after party is at Roosevelt! This all takes place tomorrow, Friday 10 August 2007. I need to get hold of a copy of that Cosmopolitan. You know, for research purposes. I always find my field of writing is expanded when reading as many publications as I can. It gives my writing more depth.

Also, Cape Town Fashion Week is currently running and it will be well worth going to check up on what hot models are going to be there. I believe it runs until Saturday. Here you can check out all the latest designs and designers. No doubt it is the place to be seen at and I’m sure you will see a couple of familiar faces from various high profile industries.

I will try attend it in the next couple of days, and hopefully get some photos. That is if I go. I have given a link to the website but it does not seem to work on my computer. Maybe it works on your computer. Anyway, enjoy.

Sean Lloyd

Editor

Roosevelt from across the street

I had actually never been to Roosevelt before, but considering that today is a public holiday(Womens day!) I decided to go out last night to town and hit up Roosevelt, to see what was happening there. Roosevelt finds itself situated in Bree Street, Cape Town. Rory had made sure that we were on the guest list, and I was in.

Arriving in Bree Street all I saw were cars. There were cars everywhere and I was hoping all these people were going to be at Roosevelt. We skipped the normal queue, and went straight in to party. While we were waiting at the door to be stamped, some girls decided that they had something to say to us and the bouncer.

Three girls were in the normal queue and said to the bouncer “They aren’t old enough to be here! Why are they just walking in?” The bouncer had obviously heard this drunk talk before and just smiled. But these girls would not stop going on! They kept saying I was not old enough to be at this club. So I said to them “Excuse me, I’m here for work”

They then did not believe this and said “Oh yeah work” in the most sarcastic tone possible. Not wanting to get into a war of words with drunk girls, I quietly left them bickering at the front door while I walked straight in. Sorry girls, try again next time, when you are mature enough. And sober enough.

Roosevelt is the type of place where people seem to go because it has quite an upmarket image. The crowd is the older, more established in their careers crowd. Then there were some people who were a lot older, trying to mix it up with the young people downstairs at the outside section. The crowd seemed a little bit image conscious for my liking and it seems to be the place to go when you want to announce to Cape Town that you are successful, or if you want people to think you are successful. Not really my style, but I was there anyway. The party never really seemed to get going, maybe people were too afraid to dance in case other people had something to say about the way they dance. I did not actually care, and started on a Saturday Night Fever style of partying! I do not care what people think in these situations, and that’s the way you should live.

The downstairs section has a bar running along the back wall. There are a couple of tables and couches on the wall(Well against the wall at least), and the DJ box finds itself situated right in front of you as you enter. Upstairs is a small dance floor with a DJ box and another bar and also a balcony.

Downstairs was quite classy with wooden parquet flooring(I know my wooden flooring!) and I can’t remember what was upstairs on the floors. I knew the place was a seriously classy joint when I looked over the balcony to see a BMW convertible and a Range Rover parked in the middle of the road. Why? Because they can. Please note the parking below, in the middle of the road. Fantastic.

Only because they can

I suppose it did not quite live up to the hype that I thought it had generated. I may find myself back there someday, but the crowd is not really my type, and it is a little bit older.

I suppose it is a great place to hang out though if you want a mix of class and style. And where you can show people that you have arrived.

Sean Lloyd

Editor 

I had sent in my invite for what I believed was going to be one of the maddest parties in Cape Town. It was organised by the same crew who thrilled us at The Deep Dish party. After waiting the entire week to see if I was in, I received an e-mail telling me that I was in. I was later sent an sms by the organisers with my unique code for entry.

“This is how a real party is organised!” I thought

However, I lost my phone on Friday night(Friday 3 August) and in so doing, lost the sms! Not to fear, they would know who I am by doing a check on their computers. The party was held on the 4th August.

The venue was Bar Rouge, Heritage Square, Shortmarket Street in Cape Town and it was looking good. Walking in I was greeted by a bouncer at the door, and after getting past him I strolled over to one of about 6 people who were stationed behind Apple Mac computers(They were going all out here)

I told the girl at the computer that I had lost my phone and the sms confirming my entry.

“No problem, can I please have your phone number”

I gave it to her.

“Sean Lloyd?” She asked

That’s correct sweetheart, that’s correct.

“That’s me, thanks”

She then directed me onto another person who clipped a wristband onto my wrist(Obviously) and gave me R50 worth of drink vouchers, and then I walked past another two bouncers.

I had arrived, this was it! I was impressed. This is the type of party I want to go to, one where not just anyone can stroll in. I want to be mind blown upon walking in. I want the organisation to be the best, and I want a crowd there who are going to want to party HARD. I also don’t want some stupid DJ playing CD’s at the decks while trying to chat up every girl who comes up to the DJ box. I want a DJ who is going to be mixing it up old school. And this is exactly what I received. The invite said it would be a battle of the DJ’s, and that it was.

Walking in there was a bar to my left and a bar straight ahead and the service was quick and sharp. No waiting around for drinks orders, as they had not over packed the venue with people. It was a nice mix of class and good numbers.To my right there were two doors leading to an outside section where the DJ’s would be battling it out. It was sick!

The rumble in the jungle

They had set up the DJ’s in a boxing ring, complete with the ring girls dressed in GOLD HOTPANTS! Just like the Deep Dish party, and just like Kylie Minogue! They obviously had two DJ’s in the ring at a time and while they battled it out, I decided to ascend the stairs at the outside section. I walked up them, looking around to see if I could spot some naughty girls to chat to and naturally impress. When I got to the top, there was yet another bar! This one was huge, stretching along the entire wall. The upstairs section was awesome as it was a balcony and we looked over the DJ’s battling it out, and the girls dancing. I mingled upstairs for a while, and I’m not sure where parts of the night even went. I had arrived with Charlie V and my brother, and we had met up with our Entourage, who happened to be seriously good looking. Including two hot sisters! Who have boyfriends…sigh.

Just chilling with the sisters- Hello!

So I was mingling around in a bit of a vodka daze, when myself and Charlie V decided to sit down on a couch overlooking the DJ ring. After that I am not too sure what exactly happened, but Charlie started chatting to some naughty girl and I don’t even really remember seeing her at that time. What I do remember is that Charlie seemed to be gone for a long time. Apparently I had disappeared and was chatting to one of the sisters. I have no idea what I said. All I remember is commenting on her tattoo, which was in QUITE a spectacular position.

Things then started to go wrong when I heard the cops were shutting the party down. I naturally thought that this was a joke, as it was a Camel sponsored party. Anyway, I can’t remember saying goodbye to anyone but the next thing I knew we were partying at Wadda and Tiger in Claremont! I don’t really have too many things to say about the party because it never really got started. I believe it was shut down just after 12pm!

The problem here is that the last party we went to was better than we had expected. All these parties are free, and I suppose when something is free, you don’t expect it to be good! But Camel really go out big with these parties and spend huge amounts of money on the organisation. They had given us free drinks upon entry, entrance was free, the whole venue was hired out, cigarettes were free, they had hired dancers and DJ’s for the night and we even had Cokey Falkow the comedian as the ring master for the evening. This kind of planning is not cheap.

So to whoever the guys are who work at Camel….someone is fired. The party was shut down due to residents nearby complaining of noise. Now to me someone should have been aware of this in the first place. Either the people who worked on the organisation side for Camel should have scouted the venue out and checked that there were no residential areas nearby that might be affected by the noise. They are event planners, this is their job! Get it together people.

Secondly, the owners of Bar Rouge should not have let their venue be rented out for a party of this magnitude. Surely they must have known that residents would complain? You cannot tell me no one knew about this? So I’m guessing that some people who worked on the event planning for Camel for this party, should find themselves out of a job this week.

And this is fine. Camel must have spent ludicrous amounts of money to give us this party, and we did not have to pay for anything. Other than the money spent on planning the night, it gives the Camel brand a bad reputation as people think that they cannot organise a party.

To me what the organisers need to do now is send us all an e-mail, apologising for what happened on Saturday. I have not received one yet, but I’m sure I will. Any respectable company would do this, and recognise their mistakes, and tell me that someone is fired. The owners of Bar Rouge also need to send out a little apology for letting their club be used for this party knowing that residents nearby might complain. It just seems that they have let themselves down this time. Not to say I won’t attend the next party, because I know how good they can be, but it is a bit disappointing. Also, to the people who attended one of these parties for the first time, they are not going to be impressed worth the Camel brand, and it’s associated people who let this party go ahead.

I will keep you up to date on what they have to say about this whole mess.

UPDATE: Still no word from the organisers, UrbanWave, about what happened. Disappointing…

Sean Lloyd

Editor

These are the type of articles SLXS strive for. While we have been mumbling for the past few posts, this is where the real work comes in and this is the quality I base this site on. Please do enjoy it.

This is going to be the first post where I will not sign out as The Editor. I have outsourced a writer here which I thought was quite clever! Knowing a couple of people in advertising, I had heard of The Loerie Awards and wanted to write on them. However, not being in advertising, I could not attend them and so got the help of Mike Pearson, of FoxP2 advertising, to write the article on the awards. FoxP2 are Finweek’s New Agency of 2007, and so they carry some credentials. Just what I needed! Let’s hand this over to Mike:

The Loerie awards are like the Oscars of South African advertising, only much more important.

Every year the thousands of creative kiddies across SA spend an entire year working their asses off to produce the finest work possible so that they can go to Margate and feature at the Loeries.

There are various categories at the Loeries, including Advertising, Design, Experiential (direct mail, live events etc) and Integrated Campaigns. All the work has to be submitted by the 15^th of June and is then judged by a panel of the top Creative Directors from across the country. From the entries they receive (between 6000 – 10000) the judges narrow the entries down to a shortlist of 200, then on the night of the ceremony they announce the winners from that list… just like the Oscars!

Right, now that mechanics of the awards are explained, the real reason everyone wants to do well at the Loeries is because if you win a gold, silver or bronze you get to go to Margate and get laid/drunk//lapsakdooie(Another word for trashed) or all of the aforementioned. Loeries is the biggest party of the year, so big in fact that Heat magazine actually runs a party just to get photos of wasted advertising alumni. Awesome.

So, lets head back in time… the date is June 27^th and everyone is waiting for the shortlist to be announced… and at about 9:31.08 the list hits the net. Foxp2 (our hero agency) clocks in with 32 finalists – beating some huge agencies in the process. Tequilas at Fireman’s Arms immediately!

Then we wait for the trip.

The FoxP2 crew-Living excessively

On the morning of July 27^th we leave for Margate. We arrive at the airport at 7:30am, unfortunately the Dros isn’t serving Stella Artois yet so we have to wait for the aerobar!

By the time we arrive in Durban the effects of double alcohol at altitude have knocked us on our backs. Splendid. Off to Margate.

We arrive in scenic Margate, along with half of the population of Joburg. The town is fully kitted out for the Loeries, steel roll down doors, wire mesh windows – oh yeah baby you know what’s good for you!

Our apartment is actually very nice, cool marble bar (keep that in mind), some decent couches (that too) and enough beds for 10 people.

The FoxP2 view from the apartment- Not bad at all

On the night of the 27^th there is no ceremony, so we held the inaugural Foxp2 Friday birthday party! As you can see from some of the attached pictures even a 20 bedroom apartment wouldn’t have been able to contain us. We went off our tits so hard that someone got tackled right through the marble bar (yup the nice one) and the same guy bomb-dropped through the couch! Fortunately we invited the Heat photography girls, so some of it may be hitting shelf soon…

Waking up on Saturday morning was a somewhat painful affair, because between 30 people we had polished off 216 beers, 2 bottles of Jagermeister (with a case of Red Bull), 3 bottles of vodka, 2 bottles of whiskey and a half bottle of semi-sweet white wine.

On Saturday, the production house Velocity holds the most legendary of Loerie parties – the Velocity Pool Party. This stellar event comes complete with free drinks, girls in bikinis with tequila water pistols and live music. All you need for an afternoon bender!

After watching my liver, and several creative directors and CEOs go down fighting we stumble back to our apartment to get changed for the ceremony – as flip flops and shorts will not do.

We arrive at the ceremony area – a giant tent on the fields of Margate Junior School – and find our seats. The arena is packed with everybody who’s anybody in advertising. Some of them no longer know exactly who they are but hey, everyone else does. The ceremony kicks off with Hip-Hop Pantsula banging out a few hits to get the crowd going (as if the Jager Bombs before hadn’t) and then the awards start flowing…

It’s always a tense occasion, having your year’s work awarded or robbed on a single night, but fortunately Foxp2 kicked into top speed, winning seven Loeries on the first night! Check out www.theloerieawards.co.za to see the work. The judges also handed out a few Grand Prix’s for the finest work of the year, and fine work it was.

After the ceremony we head back to our apartment to drop off our statues and pre-match it a bit, then we head out to the Margate party street.

When I say the Margate party street, I mean it in no metaphorical, rhetorical way – there is only one party street in Margate. With two clubs – Johnny Rockets and Backline. Rockets manages to maintain a small amount of respectability, Backline however brings back sweet memories of throwing bottles and tetanus shots at Springboks pub in Claremont. Thing of beauty!

After a hard nights partying we head back to our apartment to sleep until healed. Or until someone shouts JAGERBOMB loudly enough.

Re-fuelling for more debauchery on the marble top

Sunday is more of a recovery day, with a chilled battle of the bands event being the daytime highlight. Here bands made up of various agencies’ staff strum, drum and squawk their way to victory. However this was too chilled, so we headed over to the Vida e Caffe(Popular coffee shop) stand to hang with the crazy men! As expected Vida is the place to be, even in Margate, it’s only 11 o’clock and these champions are smashing Heinekens at a rate of 10 per hour! Beauties!

After about 20 beers each the true madness begins. With us at Vida is a certain 6foot 10, 140kilogram man of repute, he is big, he is strong but another drinker decides he wants to arm wrestle the big chap. King, as we will call him, says no, but the arm wrestler will not be deterred. Eventually he takes things a step too far and things get crazy. The King grabs the arm wrestler by the waist, walks across the road and throws him into a construction site! YES HE DID! This is met with absolute hilarity by all. Until the second biggest guy there (We’ll call him Ogre) decides to take on the King. Unfortunately this results in the Ogre being crash tackled directly THROUGH a wall. Not around, not over, but in a Hulk Hoganesque maneuver straight through. Wow. Now it does need to be mentioned that everyone involved in this fantastic behaviour is either a CEO or MD of their respective companies!

But back to the Loeries…

Once again we head to the ceremony tent. This time we have the Dirty Skirts rocking the halls. And this time Foxp2 picks up 5 Loeries! What beauties!

So back to Backline, and Johnny Rockets and the pavement every now and again…

All in all the Loeries is a splendid event, despite all the drinking and partying the main focus of the weekend is in fact creative excellence and driving the South African advertising industry forward, but the partying helps…

Mike Pearson

FoxP2

Finweek’s New Agency of 2007

I quite enjoy the fact that my computer is not working like it should at the moment. I can’t load photos, the internet disconnects from time to time and it is complete mayhem here. Readers are becoming disillusioned, thinking I am on drugs and too lazy to write.

I then realised that what we need is iBob! You see, because iBob, the SLXS computer guy…wait he would probably prefer to be called an “IT” guy. Say that like “eye-tea” Not like “it” as in “There it is” Although, at the moment iBob could also be considered the IT guy, as I kind of do need him. iBob is the IT guy in the same vain as Paris Hilton was the IT girl. However, getting hold of iBob is quite hard work. iBob, like most of the world these days, is more of a freelancer than an actual worker. When I need him I can’t get hold of him. Granted, I don’t pay him, and when he does look a little dull I send him a bag of brown rice. Unfortunately he can’t cook it because I have not given him money to pay for water and electricity.

I never really know where iBob is or who he is working for. I just call him iBob because he is into technology, and it kind of sounds cool like an iPod. Awesome! I would give you his surname but I don’t know it. I actually think his first name could be Apple. Then his surname would be iBob. Apple iBob. I think this could be the start of a new trend. Better copyright it in case Apple think of stealing it. What will probably happen is Apple will want the name, and iBob will sell it to them. He will collect his $100 million and then leave the country and go buy his own island while I will be stuck here trying to entertain the masses.

But what I really need to do now is get hold of iBob. I need this thing fixed. I have a busy week and a slight backlog of articles wanting to be READ by YOU. Unfortunately, iBob is probably good mates with our very own Mark Shuttleworth and right now he is probably walking on the moon or something and looking down at earth laughing.

“Ha ha ha” he will be laughing in his most evil laugh. “Look at all the common people down on earth and look at myself, iBob, The Elite, walking in Neil Armstrongs footsteps!”

I’m currently trying to get his contact details so I can send him something really special to entice him back to work. I’m thinking something really hectic…like a whole roast chicken!

I will one day do an interview with him, if he ever is in one place long enough for me to get a question in. Sometimes I will be about to fire off a question like “Why don’t my photos load iBob?” Before I have even opened my mouth, iBob is off in a flash, like Buzz Lightyear. He has evidently found a higher paying job on a beach somewhere. Knowing iBob, he has hooked up some sick job fixing up the Sports Illustrated Swimwear website and is now being pleaded by the make up assistant to “Rub more oil on the left breast and the right, super tight, very tanned butt cheek. And also get the oil into the cleavage. Don’t be afraid to rub HARD to make sure the oil absorbs a little bit”

If he is not doing that then iBob is probably freelancing in Jamaica at the moment, earning top dollar, sipping a Mojito, wearing a trenchcoat (Because he is iBob, he WILL wear a trenchcoat on a beach, that is how cool he is) while I slave away here in the rain.

I just wish he would come back.

Has anyone seen iBob?

I’m kind of struggling here by myself in a place called “Cape Town”

iBob, you do remember Cape Town dont you? Because I know currently the only names you know are “Monaco” “The Moon” and “Bling bling”

I will find you

Sean Lloyd

Editor

DEFINITELY a rental

Yes I have been gone a while, but great work takes time my loved ones. While magazines have editors, sub editors, fashion police, writers and all that jazz, I run this joint by myself. I am a busy man, believe it or not. I have just finished a little piece on Claremont Main Road, and am just waiting for permission to use some photos from various websites dedicated to these apartments. So here is my newest piece…enjoy. While I suppose I should not recommend this to my readers, I think it is still worth a mention. It’s the art of gently abusing what is not yours.

The whole trend started a couple of years back when I knew some people working for a production company and I used to see them driving around in rental cars like Mercedes Sprinters and the like. Then one day I decided to go for a drive around in the car and realised that it was in pretty bad shape. Pieces of panelling were falling off and the cars gearbox was sounding a little rough. I also heard stories of abuse happening with these cars such as driving on dirt roads not meant for these cars abilities.

I always wondered why people treated rental stuff so badly. And that’s when one of the drivers introduced me to the phrase:

“Don’t be gentle, it’s a rental!”

And at other times these drivers were also heard to say “What’s the difference between a rental and a four by four?”

“What?” Is what you should naturally ask.

“A rental is a REAL four by four!”

And ever since then I have had this urge to rent stuff and just abuse it. I’m still quite keen on hiring a car, then taking out the maximum insurance and then taking it on a destruction derby trip up to Hermanus and literally hitting every single street pole on the way up there. Maybe even on the way back ramp it off Sir Lowrys pass. You know…just go completely crazy! Take it for a bit of Colin McRae rally action through some vineyards on the way.

But due to the fact that SLXS is the home of excess, you also want to give the car back to the rental company in style. I have devised a plan in my head that is so outrageous that it tends to have amusing results. What I would do is go past the rental place early on the morning that I need to deliver the car. I mean really early. Like 5am. You will find out why now. You then drive around the corner and walk back to the front of the agency, with a couple of 5 litre bottles of cooking oil and spill oil in the road to make it nice and slippery. Get it slippery like an ice rink, to prepare for the delivery of the rental. You need to take this abuse to the absolute limit.

You want to spill the oil at 5am, to allow it to seep into the tar, and also no one is going to actually clean it up at this time. Especially not if it’s a Monday morning!

Then say the car has to be back by 10am. You must take it back at 7am so that no one will have cleaned the road yet. Just before delivering the car you would want to make a test run past, to make sure some of the guys are at work, preparing for the day. This is the best time for this trick because they will not officially be open yet, and won’t have customers to attend to. So they can focus their full attention on the terror that is about to be unleashed outside.

For the delivery, you should be at the end of the road waiting in the beast of a rental car, revving it to the redline, making sure the engine is properly spent. Because it is no use having wrecked the body, but not the engine. You want to make sure that you have got the most from the money you paid for the insurance.

So here is what you do:

Start revving the car, to the redline and beyond. At this point, the bodywork will be looking completely debauched from hitting lamp posts and ramping the car off various sidewalks etc on your Hermanus trip.

Let the clutch out quickly, so you wheelspin off the line, leaving a trail of smoke and absolutely trashed tyres. You literally want chunks of rubber to be flying off the tyres and hitting pedestrians on the side of the road. You want complete mayhem and carnage. You want it to look like a war zone, only worse.

Then get the car up to about 80km/hr before you get to the oil that you have conveniently smeared outside the rental agency in the morning.

What you want to do as you hit the oil is to steer to the left or the right, while pulling the handbrake up. This way, your car will be sideways, sliding through the oil and you will have a massive smile on your face. Next up you want the car to be drifting backwards so that when you pass the rental agency, you can give the manager a thumbs up, while he sees his car meeting a tragic death. The look of absolute shock on his face right now will be priceless! Maybe even set a friend up with a camera, to get a shot of his face, for the next Mastercard “Priceless” campaign. Now the car will be backwards and you will want to steer a little bit to the left or right, in order to make sure that the car once again is sideways.

You will soon find yourself running out of oil on the road, and as the car is sideways, this will make for magnificent results! The car will come off the oil, onto the dry road, it will gain traction and you will find the car flipping over several times! The sound of metal crunching into hard tar will make for a mind blowing experience, like a Quentin Tarantino gore-fest of metal.

The problem here is that, just because the car has crashed, this does not mean that the engine is going to be wrecked! So as you feel the car gaining traction on the dry road, you want to put the clutch in and put your foot on the accelerator HARD! This way,when you begin to go into the fourth or fifth flip, you should hear a loud bang, as the pistons shear off in dramatic fashion. The manager of the the rental company will see a spectacular sight, as white smoke shoots out of the exhaust and he sees his car meet an untimely end. The car will now look like a piece of tin foil as it has been completely obliterated.

At this point, the car should be slowing down, to a gentle roar of broken metal and pain. Hopefully the car will land on it’s roof and you will exit, wearing your tweed suit, with the papers of the rental contract in your hand.

As you walk into the rental agency you will hear the manager shouting

“Holy mother of $&^*! Are you insane child? Do you realise what you have fu#^%&* done? F%$#!”

That’s when you pull out the papers of the contract you signed, and say:

“Sorry sir we signed the full insurance, sorry for you!”

The manager will shout:

“F%$^ child you’re pathetic!”

You reply:

“No, you’re pathetic!”

You then calmly reach into your pocket, take the keys out, and toss them to the manager, and finish off with the classic line:

“See you later, alligator”

You also want to do this to a car like a BMW, because wrecking a Datsun does not have the same effect. You want to TOTAL something that you know is going to cost the company lots of money. But you want to completely wreck it. You know when you delete a file off your computer, that it goes into the recycle bin? Well this car will not be going to the recycle bin. You want to send it to the HELL BIN! You want to smash it into a million pieces. It’s literally the most fun you can have with a small amount of money. I checked the local Avis website, and for one day I can rent an Audi A4 for R720. Sometimes you will spend that on a night out, and that is not nearly as fun as taking a car to the wrecking crew! Obviously it will be more with full insurance, but it still comes in at a bargain.

Well done! You have now been introduced to the SLXS art of renting a car. If the manager asks anymore questions just say:

“But Sean always tells me ‘Don’t be gentle, it’s a rental!”

And walk off, knowing that you are the coolest person on the planet.

You win

That is how you rent a car!

Don’t even get me started on what to do with a rental house…

Please note: I take no responsibility for damage to people or cars from actions undertaken after reading this article and in no way do I endorse the actions I have written about. It is merely an idea. An idea in my head.My crazy head.

Be careful out there

Sean Lloyd

Editor

I am still working, yes. I know it’s been a couple of days but I’m writing this long article on apartments in Claremont. Well I have not started writing it, but it should be long. Unless I get lazy and make it short. For now I have an article entitled “Don’t be gentle, it’s a rental”

It’s quite brilliant but I can’t seem to load it because I am having trouble loading the photos for it, which are quite great.

I will see you all soon.

Please don’t leave me

Sean Lloyd

Editor