This is probably the most pathetic thing that myself and my friends do, but being guys we find it hilarious nonetheless. And it’s got to do with winning. I know it’s not confined to us and lot’s of other people know about it and do it, but I just find it hilarious because the first time I heard it was about four years ago when I was at school.
The way it works is that to end any argument, or pretty much anything, even if you don’t have a decent defense is just to say “But…I win” Like for instance I will be telling someone about this time myself and Gisele Bundchen were on my private yacht, and she was busy making me breakfast after the craziest night on earth. Then someone like Jerry D will say “No you lying, that never happened!” We will debate like this for a while until I realise that I have lost the fight, because I know deep inside that I don’t know Gisele. Knowing that I am about to lose an argument, I will just bring out the deal breaker.
I will catch Jerry D mid sentence, with a left hook to the mouth.
“But Jerry…I WIN!”
And that’s it. Jerry D knows that I have won. He knows that he cannot possibly carry on with this pathetic argument, because I have finished him off.
We also used to do it when we got results back from tests and exams. Specifically maths, which I always failed. I would be sitting in class and the teacher would read the results out.
“Lloyd, 14%”
WHAT!? Are you joking? I would say these things in my head, alarmed at the fact that it was possible to get such a low mark. But I would keep these words to myself, because I could not possibly let anyone know that I cared about my marks. So I would act cool like I did not care about what marks I got. I would just quietly turn around, look at Charlie V or Jerry D, and say:
“Yeah but I’m worried because I still win!”
Immediately all my friends would forget about laughing at my marks because they know that I have won in any case. The teachers could never beat us at anything, because they never knew about the saying “I win”
I think the crowning glory came when in Grade 11 I was given my report with comment slips on it. My maths teacher wrote on it that I deserved to fail maths. Ha! How funny is that?! I remember coming into his class early in the year and he said that he had chosen to teach us(We were the bottom of the pack class, the class where all the failures go to chill) because he knew that he could turn us around and make us all pass at the end of the year.
Well I certainly proved that wrong! I think I failed at the end of the year but the fact still remains that I won!
When you know the art of the saying “I win” you are bound to lead a more successful life. I sometimes use it totally out of context, and pretty much abuse the saying. Someone will say “Lindsay Lohan is such a druggie” They will be chilling in my TV room when saying this, and I will be in the kitchen. I will hear this and suddenly bound over to the TV room and shout “I WIN!” Totally out of context, totally unnecessary, but funny nonetheless. Or at least everyone laughs because they know that if they don’t laugh, then I will win again. So in fact in that situation I will win twice if they don’t laugh. So they laugh to make sure that I only win once. Which still means that I win. Sheer genius really!
You should try it sometime if you haven’t already.
Another thing we like to do is what I call “The Reverser” I learnt it from the movie Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy. There is a scene in the film where he is calling Veronica to try and get her to leave, by saying she is pregnant or something. She then says something like this:
“You’re pathetic”
To which Ron replies “No, you’re pathetic!”
So he has basically turned the situation on her! You use someone elses sentence to beat them, fantastic!
So if someone tells you that you are a worthless, lowlife FOOL, you just repeat it to them. They will immediately know that you have tricked them, by turning their words on them. This is where you can even pull a sneaky one.
Once they know you have pulled “The Reverser”, they will probably be speechless as to how clever you are. As they sit there, unable to comprehend the enormity of what you have done, you just look them directly in the eyes, and with an air of cool say:
I
WIN
YES! BAM! Knockout punch to the face!
Well done, you have won again
Sean Lloyd
Editor
If you enjoyed this post, show your support. We appreciate it!
